Ever Had to Deal with Grandparents Who Play Favorites?

When my kids ask why their Grandma and Grandpa don't have them sleepover like their other cousins I actually do tell them to ask them not me. (But in all honesty I think they forget about it)

But in general, I just try to teach my kids whenever I can that life isn't fair.

How old are your kids???

Now: per my kids and some of our icky relatives, I simply taught my kids... that not all people are fair or nice. Even family, can be that way.
But in no way, should they take it personally. Because, it is that relative's "problem."
My kids KNEW... which relatives are that way. They would tell me and I would say YES, he/she is that way...and you are correct. It is selfish. BUT, you are your own person. Don't take it personally. They have a problem and don't know how to behave. It has nothing to do with you. Because, those relatives were like that, even BEFORE you were born.
And its true.
And my kids understand.
And they understand about people.
And that, relatives or not, ANYONE can be mean or not nice or play favorites.
But THEY do not have to take it or take it personally.
They are their own person.
And "gifts" do not mean, that one person is "better" than the other.
I taught my kids these things, since they were Toddlers.
Because, I have some icky relatives, just like that.
And I did too, as a child growing up.
And I KNEW which uncle or Aunty was mean, that way.
And it did not bother, me.
Because, I knew how they were.
And that it was their, problem.
Not mine.
And it is not, nice.

Whenever my kids would tell me of an observation of our relatives... that is icky or unfair in attitude/gesture, they were right. And I would tell them they are right. I did not sugar coat it or pretend about it.

Perhaps the only way to get through to your parents that lording over your children that they only shower their cousin with gifts is to stop taking your kids over there. If they miss your kids and have to visit you, maybe they will actually listen.

I think I would stop worrying about their defensiveness and start being matter-of-fact about the problem and just tell them point blank the same thing everytime they ask why you aren't coming over. "We've had this discussion before and you refuse to listen. You keep hurting my kids' feelings by what you're doing and you just make excuses for it. These are your grandkids too and they don't deserve this. Either you can come visit them at my house where they don't have to see you playing favorites, or you can miss them."

If you don't put your foot down NOW, your kids are going to end up hating their cousin. They also will have ZERO respect for your parents. And your kids will grow up wondering why you made them be around grandparents who made them feel worthless, eventually making you look as bad as the grandparents in their eyes. Don't put them through this.

Time for a boycott and mean it, mom. It won't be easy and your parents will act like butts about it. But if they want to see your kids, you need to make them do it on your terms. And you need to not back down.

It's rude, but, their house their rules - if you go to their house, you can't dictate what they do there (and that includes not being able to tell them to stop spoiling the baby).

My advice is to invite them to your house. Ensure that YOUR children get the undivided attention they deserve from their grandparents. It is really important to do that. You'll be promoting a good relationship between your children and their grandparents.

How old are your kids? Sometimes, you just have to explain to your kids that some people just don't treat others right. We have had to explain lots of things about our families to our kids. They learn how to treat others, and how NOT to treat others, by the people and family in their lives. I don't think it's too much to ask either, for them to not give the baby gifts in front of your kids. But you can't dictate what they do in their house, so you are stuck. Stop taking the kids over so much, and have your husband talk to his folks, and tell them why. I know it's easier said than done, but I have done that myself. Good luck to you.

My mom helps support my sister and her kids, and has never even bought a present for my kids, because she simply can't do for mine and help out my sister.

My husband and I can and do support our children, my sister needs the help. It's that simple, and that's how it was explained to my kids. My kids are fine with that, they know they are taken care of, even all of the extra's, and would prefer that their cousins have the same thing.

I get it, when they're young it's a little harder, but even then I started the conversation and as adults (well half of them) they hold no grudge. Life isn't fair, not everything is going to be equal, and the grandparents aren't doing it to hurt your kids, the situation is what it is.

Now if the situation changes and the same thing still happens, I'd lay down the law on fairness.

A. this question is as old as the MP site is. We all go through it and will continue to go through it.

At this point, I chalk it up to the human nature. After you are finished reading everyone's post, perhaps you will toss it to the wind too.

My MIL says, "You guys are fine" as she writes the check to my nephews baseball team. Ya, were fine, but you are 100% correct, it is rude.

There is nothing you or your husband can do, but let it go.

I think the grandparents ought to have more commonsense and better sense of boundaries.. Geez.. of course adults can decipher the difference that it's a baby and people are giving her gifts. However, kids are kids.. they don't always comprehend it as such ....
I know this from experience as a foster kid... Whenever we'd have to visit the parents of the foster parents, they were always cold to us foster kids and would not speak to us.. NEVER once did we ever receive anything from them but dirty looks.. whereas, the biological son was treated extra special, given gifts, money, taken to Disneyland (while we went to camp) he got ice cream while we sat and watched..
so yeah, I felt left out and definitely second if not third , fourth and fifth best..

tell those grandparents to smarten up! they are helping to create separation in the family..

My father-in-law provides my husbands sister and her kids with everything and anything. He even bought her a van. She is divorced, low income and has four children, so we don't mind about that so much. What does bother us is the amount of time he spends with her kids. He is very involved in their lives, and they live in the same area. He makes time to visit with our kids about once a year, and drops them a (gift) card at Christmas. That hurts way more than the money and the stuff.

My sister has dealt with this but on a larger scale-her solution was to set the boundaries & stick to her guns. It’s working, slowly.
My sister now meets them in neutral territory so the kids still get to see the grandparents but without the noticeable favoritism

Tell your kids to ask grandma where their present is when she brings one out where they're sitting right there.

But in real life I'd just tell them that everyone loves spoiling baby's and even mom and dad are taking something for the baby, would they like to pick out something too?

It's rude yes. We all go through this to some extent too. I agree that's is a lot about circumstances and feeling pitty, yes pitty for the helpless baby. Not so much favoritism. What baby doesn't deserve to be spoiled?... It's unfortunate that the parents can't do that. Maybe this can be twisted into a learning moment. Like, "grandma loves you kids the same. she just wants the baby to have what you have.... And because of ... circumstances she is the ones doing what their mom and dad would normally do."

It's rude, but I also think it's rude to expect a gift just because some one else gets one. I would emphasize to the kids that their grandparent's love and affection is more important than some thing.

My husband's parents spoil both of his sisters' kids rotten. It's always been that way. Our kids have learned to ignore it as have I.

There's really nothing you can do about it.

Yes, it happened with my parents too when a grandchild lived with them. They took on the role more as parents than grandparents. I believe that they were trying to make up for the lack of supporting parents. Whatever, it was what it was and under the circumstances not unexpected. They are involved on a continual basis with that child and closer than they were to other grandparents.

There is nothing you can do except stop reacting to it. When my children said something I said that is the way it is. It may not be fair, but they are trying their best to be helpful. Be thankful you can take care of your children and do continue to love this baby, she needs it.