Ever Feel like You're Loosing It? What Do You Do for Yourself?

I'm in the same boat many days. Some days are great, some I just wanna hide in my room and cry all day.

I feel that way every day. I am a working mom- 9 to 5 as a mental health therapist, have 3 very active (physically and in the community) kids - ages 12, 8, and 5 and my husband died 18 months ago so I am doing it all. But that doesn't matter, what matters is that a big change is coming for you, a new job and you are stressed about what to do with the kiddos, afraid of venturing out in the "real" world again, and you just had a baby and your hormones are still crazy. Talk to your doctor, I am not suggesting meds, make sure it's not physical first, I always reccomend that before antidepressants. But, don't think you are crazy. There is no such thing as a super mom and with your Type A personality, coming to that realization may be harder than for others. Good luck, you will do fine once everything falls into place.

I hear ya! I have 3 year old, an 18 month old, I'm hugely pregnant, my husband is away for three months working, then he'll be home for one month when the baby is due, then he'll be gone all year. I'm a painter and I make good money when I'm working, but I am getting NOTHING accomplished right now creatively for myself, or financially for the family. My every waking moment is with and for both kids, and right now they have bad colds so I keep hoisting myself of my seat to go wipe noses etc. I used to be a fashion designer running around NY for 15 years all stylish, and now I'm a huge housewife looking and feeling like a train wreck. I used to work around the clock 6-7 days a week executing insane amounts of challenging work, and now I can barely get to the grocery store once a week in one piece.

I actually feel great and happy, and here is what I do:

STAY IN THE MOMENT! If you think about the whole past week/month/years where you got nothing done or did nothing fun and all the stuff you haven't been doing or getting, or you look into the future week/month/year where no relief is in sight and at the long lists of things you need to do, you're sunk. Just breath deep, look at what's in front of you in the present moment, be thankful for your health and do what you can. One little thing, or take a little rest. Do it again the next moment.

Housework? Phooey, I'm lucky to keep one room at a time in order. So what. If my husband is home, he helps, if not, he's not here to complain. I don't beat myself up about it.

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS! Not trying to be cliche, but for real, even when you don't feel like it, say a prayer of thanks for your healthy kids and every little thing you have right now. So many people are trying to have kids and can't or have lost their kids. You have yours. You have to consciously make yourself enjoy it when you're feeling bogged down. This time with them needing you is short short short!

THIS IS ALL TEMPORARY: You're only going to be this bogged down temporarily. Everything will work itself out. Life has highs and lows. You have to be patient, and let yourself off the hook for not being fabulous right now. I get so mad that I'm not painting, but I knew for several months/year whatever that I wouldn't be able to. I have to be patient and thankful right now for the roof over my head and my beautiful kids and things I have, not things I don't.

BE ACCOUNTABLE: I remind myself all the time, I CHOSE to have the kids. I CHOSE to leave NY. I CHOSE to pursue painting, and I CHOSE my traveling husband. Feeling like a victim will always make you feel worse than embracing your choices.

When I'm physically able, I lug all my kids to the gym to feel better, and I've forced myself to go to bed early (RIGHT NOW, again, everything is temporary!) even though I'm a night owl who loves my late nights to myself. The extra sleep and exercise work wonders on my daily coping skills at this present time. I can have my nights back in the future.

Good luck, and great job finding work. The sitter/daycare will iron out. Don't WORRY in advance while making decisions. Just do each step. There isn't a mother out there who has an easy life-well that's not true, but most don't-we're all in this together! Reach out to your girlfriends and be nice to yourself. Your kids want to see you happy and treating yourself too. Even if you stop to browse a little too long in the cosmetics Aisle. I'm already teaching my 3 year old that sometimes we do things for ME, and I enforce it. She's already trying to bring me water or ask if I would like to lie down because she knows I want to, and she still lays down with me even if I'm not in the mood to read her books because I need to get through some backlogged art magazines. She looks at them with me or reads her own book. If you are gracious, happy, and keep your boundaries, your kids will respect it. Hang in there! You are the most important person in your family's lives!
And use that husband to enable your escape sometimes-I'm jealous! :)

YES and YES again . . . And I think when you return to work, you will find 'yourself' again. Then you will miss being home with the kids, but PT work really is the best of both worlds.

One thing I found when home FT -- (having worked for 20 years first) At home, all I see is what isN'T done. At work, I see what I accomplish, I can finish it, and it stays done. More comes along, true, but I accomplish things, and I feel good about myself.

As a mom, I have raised two girls who are now very successful in their respective careers, and as human beings. I have two teens on the launching pad. They are also great people. But when the first ones were 2 and 0, I never saw that far ahead. I didn't see the successes. The "child rearing successes" take a LONG time to mature -- like 18-25 years !! Don't let that get you down.

Since you have a career, even though you've slowed down some while being home, and you've come to exhibit some signs of depression (believer me, I've been there ! Nothing "serious", but definate slow-downs, sadness, inability to acoomplish the easy stuff cuz I don't get going) . . when you get back to work, you will find that the professional part of you that was missing will return and be rewarded. You'll come home to your family refreshed and glad to have been at work, you'll have more energy for the kids, more to share with your spouse, and while life will be more hectic, you'll be re-charged and ready to meet it.

In terms of the house? I'm kind of into lists. If I have a list, I can cross out the accomplishments and it helps some. I think we all go thru periods of accomplishment and periods of the doldrums.

Don't be afraid of them. Don't let them knock your self-esteem down. Walk through them. Think thru what you want to accomplish before you go back to work -- and go after it. Get it done. Take the kids for walks (if you can), and enjoy these last 2 months of time with them. The transition may be a wee bit rocky, but a happy, successful mom is good for her children. :-)

I think that you have described it for yourself. You are at home all of the time and with the kids. You probably feel that you have no time to yourself. We went through that when tom was home all the time with our son. He is working again and feels better and is not as cranky. See if once a week your husband can take the kids for the day or part of the day and do something for yourself like may be going have a pedicure or going somewhere that you like that gives you some piece of mind. I give it to those who stay home with the kids. It is very nerve racking. I would do in home day care. daycare are costly and charge you if you miss a day. my babysitter is wonderful and she is very reasonable and her price includes feeding my son his meals. he has become a better eater and has put on a few pounds since he started going to her a few months back.

I think all moms feel this way at one time or another. When I was a SAHM it was driving me crazy to be home...when I was a working mom it drove me crazy to be away from home. I think we want everything to be perfect and we freak out when we can't have it, which is almost always the case when you are a mom.

My sanity was exercise and sleep. I needed to get enough sleep so I had my husband take on as much as he could during the night. I also needed some "me" time and to burn off some steam. Cardio Kickboxing helped. Get moving when you can. Everyone says they can't and it's hard to start but you can find a few minutes a day to keep yourself sane. You can always try a mommy and baby class like Baby Boot Camp. www.babybootcamp.com

Take a deep breath and then look at all of the wonderful things you have going in your life. We all have experienced these feelings - and now thank God have a place to go with them.
If the beds are not made - close the bedroom door!
Someone is coming and the dishes are not washed - stash them in the oven!
The best things in life are you children and your husband. If you husband is not complaining about things at home - then all is well. If your children are happy and having a good time playing and learning - then all is well.
Don't be so hard on yourself!
If your children are in for a nap - at the same time LOL Then take a minute to write a list of all you have to be thankful for. Then take time to take a powernap, read an article in a magazine or what ever makes you happy - relaxed - and most all lets you know that you are a great M. and a great WIFE and PERSON!
Hang in there! There are many of us to support you!

M.,
I worked professionally for 20+ years before having my son. What a huge surprise it was to me that being at home with a child (let alone two--like you!) is by far, the hardest job you'll ever have! But it's also the most rewarding. I now work PT, and for me, it is truly the best of both worlds.

I'm sure with two little ones and a husband basically invading all aspects of your body for almost 4 years now--you could use a little "HANDS OFF ME" time! LOL

If I were you, I would start by picking O. thing you want to do: reading, exercise class, walking, scrap booking, etc. Try to work in about 2 hours three times per week so you can go (OUT OF THE HOUSE) and do that activity. That will be your hubby's time to care for the kids, or you could hire a babysitter if you know/trust a good O.. You will be amazed at how re-charged you will be when you return.
I like you, am a Type A, plus a bit of control freak (OK--a total control freak) which makes it hard to let some things go around the house. Like another poster said -- often all I see is what NEEDS to be done. Check out Flylady.net for some good time management strategies.
That said, nothing I do is more fulfilling than spending time with my son and seeing his little personality emerge. The most frustrating thing is the days when I fnd myself non-stop saying to my son "not now, wait til later, I need to do XYZ, maybe tomorrow" b/c I'm focusing on some stupid task which has grown in my mind to monumental importance! That's MY key to chuck the "work", grab some toys & head to the yard or the park & enjoy my son! The best thing you can do is work in dedicated, engaged play with your kids, then you will feel better about concentrating on your chores later.
Hang in there. It WILL get easier as your kids get older, but don't wish away these little years, they go very very quickly!

Hi M.,

First of all, get you an appointment book for your personal use.

Get one with four columns. Put your name in one column, your husband's in another and each of your two children in the other two.

Schedule all your important days and times in each column. May sure you plan time for yourself each day alone and time with your husband alone each day.

This is the start. Good luck. D.

I have been a SAHM for the last 4 years. It is hard to manage everything when the kids are so little. I have found that as the kids get older it becomes a little easier. They are more independent, you can enjoy a wider variety of activities with them, and they can also help out a bit. Here are some things I do (or have done in the past) to help keep it all together. Some won't be beneficial to you right now but may help as your kids get older.

I use a day planner to keep track of all appts, activities for the kids, etc.

I created a cleaning schedule in which I assign a room (or rooms) to each day of the week. For me it works because I don't feel overwhelmed trying to get it all done at once.

I teach my kids how to help around the house. My daughter loves to help sort laundry by person and type of clothing. I oversee cleaning their rooms and playroom (ie putting toys away) but they do the work. Both kids love to dust and use the Swiffer vac and mop. They also love to help outside raking leaves, watering plants, etc.

I have occassionally hired a mother's helper to play with/keep an eye on the kids while I get some work done.

I insist my kids have downtime. The will be turning 4 and 5 this summer and they rarely nap at naptime, but I send them to their rooms after lunch so they have some time to rest and wind down. This allows me time to clean, rest, read a book, whatever I want.

I have recently started reading again. I love to read but had trouble finding time for it. Now I make a point to make time for it. I also enjoy crafts and have gotten satisfaction from doing crafts with the kids.

I've lowered my standards regarding what needs to be done. I don't deep clean as often as I would like. I allow more clutter than I would like to see. I'm one person in a household of 4 so there is only so much I can do. Unfortunately, my husband isn't one to jump in and help with the household maintenance. I've told him if he isn't going to pitch in he is going to have to put up with it.

Good luck to you!

M. you are just overwhelmed first of all your 21/2 yr old needs attention all the time and your 10 month is getting ready to rock and roll soon. My kids were 2 yrs apart also so it can be tough. Work will be good for you you get to talk to another adult other than your husband LOL I hate to say intriduce tv but sesame steet is a great show for kids and my little ones like the wiggles they loved to dance. Don't worry M. you will find yourself again and you NEED to make time tell your husband watch the kids I'm going for a walk or I'm going to take an exercise class whatever. It is true when they say kids grow up at a blink of an eye before you know it they will be in school enjoy your time the housework will always be there. Hoped that helped. Meditation is good too take some deep deep abdominal breaths from below your belly buttom and you'll feel better as well M. C

UPDATE - **** GREAT POST FROM AMY J ****

Hi M.~

I just wanted to say a couple things... I have a 3 year old son, and went back to work when he was 7 months old. The first year was rough because I was full time, but for the last 2 years, I have worked part-time, 3 days/week, and it truly is the best of both worlds. I agree with some of your other posters, that once you get your childcare decided, and you get back into the swing of working, you will likely start to feel like you are getting back to being 'you' again.

It seems a little strange that adding another thing (work) to your already exhausting list of things to do can be a good thing, but I think that the sense of fulfilling your professional endeavors, coupled with the opportunity to engage with other adults and establish friendships with co-workers, will help you regain something that we kind of let go of when we are SAHM's. The extra money in the household helps too! And there are many days that I and other newer moms I work with all agree, it is actually easier to be at work, than at home. Now, let me clarify, that does not mean that we wouldn't rather be at home with our kids, just that it's easier to be at work. I think that is something that working dads never really get to understand. It seems they often feel like they are the only ones who 'went to work today'... but we moms know the truth... :)

I also think that Lisa had a lot of great insight and suggestions. And I agree with her on many things. We do hold ourselves to a really high standard when we are at home all day with our children... and we often don't give ourselves enough credit for the true accomplishment it is to stay at home and keep a household running with 2 little ones at home. I only have one child, but I am a single mom, so all the household and child rearing jobs are mine. And there were definitely days (many days) where it was just so difficult, if not impossible, to get anything done. Even now, I am cleaning up a mess in one room, while my son is making one in another, which is not easy for a mom who was previously a single woman responsible only for herself neat-freak... And so it goes. :)

I also like the idea of hiring a mommy's helper to give yourself some time to relax or get things done. Maybe a jr. high or high school student, to come over for a few hours a week just to play with and keep an eye on the kids while you do other things.

What I can tell you is that it does get easier when they get into the 3's. They are less dependent on you for everything, and can be occupied a little easier on their own. My son has always wanted to be involved with whatever I am doing, which in the past, was difficult. But now that he's 3, he can and does actually 'help' me with things. He helps me sort laundry by color, he will put his toys away (sometimes :), he likes to try to fold towels, wash plastic cups and dishes, etc. So basically, it does get easier.

I don't know if I'll ever have my house back to the way I remember it, but I wouldn't trade all the food messes, toy piles, play-doh in my carpet, crayon on my walls, pee on my bathroom floor, etc. for anything in the world. I know these days are fleeting and I am learning to treasure them, even the messy, stressful, non-productive ones. For whatever I didn't get done today at home, I spent precious time with my son.

Hang in there. You have a major transition coming up, and I have no doubt that whether you consciously realize it or not, it's weighing on you, and maybe making you feel overwhelmed. I think that once you get back to work, and get in a routine, you will start to feel better. I am an obsessive planner too, and I can't stand when something is looming over me making me uneasy. It can really get me out of whack. Just remember that they are only little for a very fleeting period of time, and there will come a day very soon when you will miss these days... so just try not to be too hard on yourself.

Best of luck to you.

I know exactly how you feel. I have 2 boys- ages 3&2, plus 2 dogs. My personality sounds like yours. I also work part-time. It will get easier as the boys get older, you'll get more time to do things around the house.
Here's what I do, I hope some of this helps. I stick to a schedule. While the boys are napping, I take an hour to myself and do something I want (not cleaning). My oldest naps for an hour so when he gets up, I get him occupied with something and then I'll do some type of household chore for the next hour till my youngest gets up. They also go to daycare twice a week to get some interaction with other kids and that gives me time to run errands or clean the house.
To get a break I go to Curves to work out. It helps me sleep and keeps my enery up. That only takes an hour.
My husband helps me out alot too. We take turns giving the kids their baths. So there is another half hour which I usually will get on the computer to check my e-mail.
Just remember, it will get easier as they get older.

Hi M., You are not alone. there have been many times over the years that I have felt like I was "loosing it". When I do there are a few things I try out, journaling, venting to a friend or even a counsler, taking a long drive with my favorite music blasting on the stero, going for a bike ride or even working out...ALONE. Part of your trouble might be the decision about daycare hanging over your head. Big concerns hanging over my head tend to make me nuts the longer I don't make a decision about them. So you also might want to make a decision about your child care needs soon. Personally I used a babysitter for my girls when they were small & I worked. We still have a great relationship with our sitter and my girls go out of state to stay with her & her family every summer now that they are teens. Now I babysit 3 days a week and they have become members of our family! Best wishes

Wait till you go back to work and see how you feel. I was a SAHM for 3 years like you and jsut went back to work full time and its so rough I cant tell you. I am tired all the time cant see my child like I used to have no energy amd basically out of touch with everything I hold dear. Its not the same and trying to keep it together is hard but somehow you manage to find the strenght. My motivator is MONEY...I keep telling my self its to better our life and have the things to give my daughter that she wants...but its a part of being an adult to make hard choices and stick with them. If it something deeper you have to find what that is and try to find the answer to your questions. Or see a professional and talk about it and atleast get it out to someone you trust to give you support. The key is to recognize what it is and adress it before you "loose it" and dont know how to cope. There are tools out there to use you just need to find the right one for you.
I know its hard to stay positive...and strong
your kids depend on you!

S.

Well what I've done is taking an anti depressant. It has HUGELY helped me. I am not one for taking medication but after my 2nd child, I was overwhelmed and found myself yelling at the top of my lungs, very moody, just awful and when I went on the meds, it gave me more control I guess. I recently went off them for 2 months and the yelling returned along w/the moodiness (like having PMS 24/7) and so I realized that and went back on and I'm a totally different person now. I have a better relationship w/my kids because of it. I had some personal issues going on and it was recommended for that, but I think it's helped me all around and if that's what it takes to be a better mom to my children, then I'll do it! HTH!!

Hi, it's been quite awhile for me but I do remember the days, months, feeling the same. I also have '2' boys now 6 & 8yrs. old and things will get easier/better. But I was in the same boat at one time, I nursed them too, loved them and am type 'A' and can relate. Here are my top 'few' ideas that were lifesavers to me. I joined a moms club in the 'Buckingham' area...there is one in Doylestown and Plumstead. Most members are SAHM's but some work part-time out of the home. It was more for me than for the boys, I always had people to talk to and relate. I picked up 'scrapbooking' with them (usually at night after kids in bed) and 2 yrs ago finally joined the book club (with the same women). I used to laugh at the idea of reading a book...who on earth had the time when I couldn't even get a shower? Second lifesaver... I joined a gym with a great daycare/preschool program (Cornerstone) but there are other good ones too. Anything physical works - walks at park in a stroller, at home pilates/yoga etc. Third...read anything (magazine probably all I had time for - but not baby/toddler related) Like Oprah Mag, Self etc. Fourth, work part-time at anything you're good at...I started teaching swimming part-time in the evenings simply to get out and feel human again! Starting this fall (my littlest '6'going to first grade) I plan to go back full-time at either the new YMCA or fitness area close by. I think it's a tremendous boost to anyone's self-esteem and instantly improved my self-worth which had taken a nose-dive! Lastly, know you are not alone, continue to reach out to others, family - friends, moms at the library/park/gym etc. I'm sure sharing is as much help to them as it is to you! P.S. make sure to share your feelings with your OBGYN or physician if things don't get easier. Turns out I did need medication for about a year but once I added the other stuff into my life, I got off. Best of luck! C.

It is always hard to tell from posts exactly how much these kinds of problems are bothering people... anyway, I think you've gotten a lot of good advice about handling the "little things." But if you feel like this is a more basic problem, let me just remind you that postpartum depression can occur anytime in the first year (and some docs are now saying two) of a baby's life. PPD is something to take very seriously, so if you feel like these feels have been going on for more than two weeks, or that your ability to enjoy life (and your kids!) is compromised, I urge you to talk to your doctor. There are lots of options to get you feeling like yourself again.