Ettiquiette Question

Personally, I'd send the "good job" email and mention the money in it. For example, "now that everything's done, I've had a chance to go over my receipts and I spent $xxx." Then you can ask there how they want to split the cost or make it less obvious that you're looking for money by saying, "not a bad cost for everything" or something to that effect. And if there's no reply about money after that then just let it go.

I would send them a letter or email saying that I was glad the party went so well, etc. Then I would say that the party cost me in around $. Were they still interested in contributing to it financially? Good luck.

I say let it go and in the future, just keep them as guests. You really can't tell your mom that they stiffed you because this will make her feel bad. You and your brother did a wonderful thing, your hearts were in the right place and no money can re-imburse the joy you got from giving your mom this party. And isn't there always someone who takes credit for stuff they didn't do? Don't let it bother you. Karma will take care of everything. You're a great daughter.

You need to just email them letting them know the total amount you spent and then how much you are expecting them to give you. Then i would just say "i am just giving you's a total to let you's know what i actually spent, if you's are not able to chip in like ORIGINALLY planned i would understand. I am sure they will send you a check. I would def. say something since they already said they would help, don't feel as though it is not proper, if they didn't want to help they wouldn't have offered!

Hi S.,

I would just politely "remind" them of the fact they said they would help pay. You could email like you said, congratulating for a job well done on everyone's part and maybe put, "i didn't know if you still wanted to chip in and help pay or not". That's an easy and friendly way to put it. You put the ball in their court and if they are willing to pay, they'll ask you how much, otherwise you know you and your brother absorbed all the costs! good luck!

S.,

You could possibly just share with them how much you spent and remind them that they said they would help and ask them how much they wanted to help with or if it turns out they can't now, that would be fine too.

M.

My suggestion is to send out an email. In the email, I would say something like this...

Text starts here---
Well, the party went really well and I think my mom was really pleased with it. Now that things have slowed down from the planning and I've recovered a bit from all the extra work it took to get everything scheduled and prepared, I'm getting the chance to tie up some loose ends. The party took over xx hours of my time to put together. Mom's smile and appreciation was payment enough for the time I put in. However, the financial cost of the party was $xx.xx. The breakdown of the cost was: (and give a breakdown here).

I wouldn't bug you with all of the details but you insisted on wanting to help with the cost. Could you please email me back to let me know when you could get me a check for your portion of the cost. I would really appreciate it. Putting the money back in my account will go a ways toward (pay my bills, start my holiday shopping, paying for xx).

Thank you again for volunteering to help with the cost of the party. I know Mom really appreciated the party and I really appreciate your help. Thank you in advance for getting back to me quickly.
--Text ends here

Something like this is thanking them for the offer to help and giving them the chance to help at the amount they want to. I don't know if you will get a 1/4 of the money back, more or nothing. But this allows you to bring it up in a nice friendly manner without demanding the money but at the same time making it clear that you hope they are going to honor their promises. It also asks for a response so hopefully they will let you know if something has changed that they can't honor those promises.

Anyhow, I hope everything works out for you. I'm glad that the party was a success and I hope that this message helps.

You know you did the work and not them and you didn't have the party so people would say you did it so let that be. Don't even send out thank you cards or anything, that would be your mom's job.

Did they ever mention how much they would help financially? How long since the party? Maybe just a phone call saying hi, etc and then nicely say that how wonderful the party was, how much fun your mom had and how generous it was for them to offer to help pay for it. Tell them the total cost and see what they offer. Don't push it or anything else cause remember they your mom's best friends and you don't want her to get a call complaining. They might just be waiting for a call from you.

You should just talk to your mother and tell her it was a hardship for you and your brother and is there anyway she can help you out as originally promised.
I with my sisters had an 80th party for my father and my husband and I were in the middle of paying some hefty bills so I spoke to my father and he gave me money to help out.
If after asking her she dose not offer to help out you will have to let it go and think twice before you do another expensive celebration again.

They're probably waiting on you to tell them the cost. They may feel uncomfortable or unsure about approaching you, not wanting to pressure you until things calm down. I would approach it assuming they're just waiting for me to give them their amount, or to discuss the cost and then they can tell me how much they can put in. Just give them each a call and let them know the total amount and ask how much they were able to pitch in, flat out. No need beating around the bush since they said they'd help. Take whatever they're willing to give, even if it's not much, and then thank them. I know I wouldn't feel comfortable having other people taking credit for it who didn't do as much as I did. And they're probably taking credit for it cuz they're assuming they'll be paying for some it, just waiting on you.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

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I agree with just letting this one go. You can't thank them for their help if they didn't help. It is too late to tactfully ask them for money. Chalk it up to knowledge and now you know them better than you did before. Don't count on them again. You did a great thing for your mom, just feel good about it and let the other feelings go.

Hi S., First off don't say anything to your mom, it will only spoil the memories and start problems. Second, if they didn't give you any cash or help before the party, then don't look for any now. If you say anything to them now you will look like the bad guy so just let it go. The most important thing is that your Mom had her party and it was great for her. In the future, don't put anyone's name as a host/hostess or credit for helping with a party unless they help from the start...with time, or cash. This is a lesson we all have to learn at some point or another... I think we all have been burned like this at least once!

Maybe the next time you're around your Mother's boyfriend and or best friend, you can say "Hey, Thanks again for helping. I really appreciate it." Maybe it will trigger their memory that they offered to help and maybe they'll cough up the cash. I've been in this situation before. It's not that you needed their help, but the fact that they offered it, and are taking credit for it. Good Luck.

S.,
Did they help in ANY way? If so I'd send a note saying thanks for the "help" it would be a gentle reminder that they offered to help financially.....

Dropping hints will leave you even more disappointed. Send the "Thanks, we did it!" email, but you have to include, "Your totals came to $___. Thanks so much for helping, my mom really had a blast." This isn't out of line at all if they agreed in advance to help pay. If they didn't agree to an amount, or it was sort of vague, you can phrase it like, "I appreciate your offer to help with costs, and I'm thinking $___ would be good, let me know what you think."

You have to do it. You may still hear from them since it's only been a week, but I wouldn't wait. If they're "just about to call you" about it, they won't mind the reminder. It will only get more awkward as time goes by.

I think that you should talk to your mom's boyfriend and best friend about it. They agreed to help you and they did not. There is no need for arguing just explain to them that you and your brother absorbed all of the cost for this when there was supposed to be another party bringing in money and that it has put you in a tough situation. If they are going to give you the money then great, but if they don't, next time do something within the budget and just send them invitations. As much as I love my family, we still have the belief that you do not mess with someone's financial situation and being that they did, I would definitely think twice about having them for dinner (always include your mom but try doing it without the boyfriend, but I am the type of person who would avoid her boyfriend and best friend for a while)I know that sounds petty but when they took credit for something they didn't do, fair is fair. About the taking credit, let them know that basically they did nothing and it is disrespectful to you and your brother that they are taking credit for work they did not do. There will always be people who take credit for others work but at least you will have spoken your piece. Then again, if someone says how nice it was that your mom's boyfriend and best friend put that party together, I would let them know tactfully that they didn't do squat but show up.

I would definitely mention it to them somehow. If you don't, you may end up feeling resentful about down the road. I agree with some of the others, send the email and casually add a specific amount at the end. They may have been waiting for the final amount, or they may be waiting for payday, who knows? If they get nasty or snippy about you asking for money, I would explain to them that they offered to help, you were expecting their help. Hopefully you get reimbursed without any problems.

S.,

Maybe they are waiting for you to give them the grand total. I would call (or email, if you feel more comfortable.) Say "here is the total bill....split by 3 is $$$ per person. Would you like me to pick up the money or do you want to send it by mail. I need it as soon as possible to pay off my credit card which I used to pay for the party. I don't want to incur any monthly interest charges(a little white lie, but tells them it is needed soon.)" Don't be embarrassed to ask...they offered...and they shouldn't have if they did not expect you to accept their offer. If they don't pay up then you have learned a lesson....and you won't do it again.

I would absolutely tell them how much they owe you. Tell them how much you spent, tell them you'll take $xx as your portion, your brother spent $xx and here is the rest for them to split.

My best friend had a 40th for me and when she called another of my dear friends to invite him he said he wanted to help and pretty much took over. The day after the party he said to me, "So, would you like to know how much that little soiree last night cost?" Tackiest thing I've ever heard. Don't tell your mom!!!

Glad to hear that your party was successful. However you need to decide what is more important, your credit or your mom's feelings about the party. Then it becomes "does it really matter?" Yes, it may be hard to swallow but in the end- you wanted a fabulous party-right?!
Now if the feelings of wanting to say something-Then I would just simply mail out (not email) personal thank you for coming out to the party,we appreciate your help.... simply signing...you & brother. That should square things away with your moms boyfriend and best friend.

Here is what I would do:
TAlly up all of the bills for the party on an Excel spreadsheet. Be as detailed as you can. Then divide that cost by 3. You then call them and say: "Hey, I finally got the party expenses for Mom all figured out! I put them on a spreadsheet for you to see how the money was allocated. I will send you your copy. I am going to be in your neighborhooed on Friday so I can just pick up the check so you don't have to worry about mailing it. Thank you SO MUCH for helping with this party! Mom had a blast and was really surprised. I definitely couldn't have done it without you."

That's all you have to do-End. Of. Story. They agreed to help you with the party and they must fullfill that agreement. You have GOT to work on the assumption that they are going to. If you get any push-back you have to be all innocent like "Oh???...back in the summer when I mentioned the party you said that you wanted to help pay for it... I still thought that you meant to cause when it came to the day of the party you let everyone know you had a role in it. Gosh, I wish that I would have known that you had changed your mind because I will now be in debt that I had not planned on going into the Christmas season.

Bottom line S.- Don't let them off the hook. They agreed and must now pony up. If they are giving you too much trouble then maybe break it down so they won't be in for an equal third.

Good Luck!

How you handle this depends upon your relationships. Your mom's best friend and her boyfriend both said they'd help, but did they say HOW they would help ? Also, what kind of relationships do they have with you ? If you are asking us what you should do, I'm thinking you don't have the kind of relationship with them that would say, "How much money were you thinking of helping with ?" It's possible that they weren't thinking money at all, but moral support, getting Mom there if it was a surprise, stuff like that. The best time to get help is when you need it, not AFTER you've done it all yourself. You probably should have asked one of them to pick up plates, napkins and stuff like that, and someone else to go purchase something else that you needed. But to do it all yourself, and THEN ask them to ante up is REALLY difficult.

Honestly, I think this is one of those times where you just have to suck it up and live and learn. Since you would have done the exact same thing had you been planning to pay for it yourself, then I think you're pretty much stuck in that boat. Next time someone offers to help, you should nail down HOW they want to help, or call them before the party, and say, "the other day you offered to help with Mom's party. How involved would you like to be ?" If I offered to help someone put a party together, and they never took me up on the offer, I would not be very happy with them if they later sent me a bill to help pay for it.

Probably not what you want to hear, but I don't think there's any graceful way to say, "Hey, were you going to help pay for this?" after the fact. Perhaps if you bump into them and it comes up in conversation, and they remember that they offered to help, they might ask if you'd like some money, but I think it's water over the dam at this point.

This is just me,but i wouldn't allow anyne to say they helped when they didn't.I would however mentioned to your moms boyfriend & her best friend that it is getting close to the party an just wanted to see if they was still able to help out.If you an your brother are taking care of it then you guys did it not them. I wouldn't stress about it to much isn't worth it. Just send an email or call an if nothing move forward an don't even worry about them.With or without them i am sure your mom will love everything you guys did for her. Good Luck

I think the email is a good idea, but you may add to it the total cost and ask them what if any they would like to reimburse with a friendly "since you both said you wanted to contribute..". If you haven't asked for it, don't expect to get it.