A friend of mine called to let me know that she and her husband will be in the area next weekend and was hoping we could join them for dinner for their anniversary. I told her that I would talk with my husband, but that I thought that we would be able to do that. When she called back and I told her that yes, we were free, she proceeded to let me know that they want to go to one of the two nicest restaurants in the area...way, way out of my family's budget! So, how do I tactfully let her know that we'd love to buy them dinner as an anniversary gift, but that we can't really even afford to pay our own way? I don't really want to ask her to pick a "cheaper" place, as I'm pretty sure she's got her heart set on dressing up, fancy food, and....ah, you know, playing grown up?? And I'm really bad at that too...Ugh, not sure what to do.
Any advice?
J. be honest. True friends will totally understand.
I agree to suggest drinks before or coffee and dessert afterwards.
This is not a big deal. Do not stress another moment about this.
Tell her that the more that you think about it you will be uncomfortable barging in on their special dinner-however you would love to meet them for a drink afterwards.
Or you could say something came up that you can't meet for dinner but can swing it for a cocktail afterwards.
Heya Gorgeous? J. as a heads up, we're rubbing elbows with broke, right now. There is no way we are going to miss seeing you, and getting all sparkly and done up is exactly what you deserve, but I need to get creative. Maybe we could meet you for cocktails after or before dinner? Get in laughs and hugs, and then you and hubby can have the romantic dinner part to yourselves?
Ask her if you can meet for dessert and coffee. Tell her that the restaurant is J. too expensive for you, but dessert would be fine. Look, she's a friend. She will understand. You don't have to be embarrassed. I promise you that you'll be far MORE embarrassed if they pick a $50 bottle of wine and expect you to pay half. It is so hard to deal with folks who don't have a clue, and you end up finding out that they've told the waiter to "split" the check when their entrees cost $10 more apiece than yours, and you drank water and they drank cocktails. Ouch!
Being honest is the best policy. If you are kind and honest, and provide an alternative that they will still like, (coming late for dessert and coffee), that IS tactful and they should understand.
Dawn
I'm sure (hopefully!) she's not expecting you to pay for their anniversary dinner. Honesty is best. Maybe something along the lines of..."I know you're celebrating your anniversary, and we don't want to take away from your plans, but that restaurant is really beyond us right now. So, how about you two enjoy your dinner, and then we can all meet up at X where hubby and I will treat you to dessert and drinks (or whatever)."
I agree. "Bella, that restaurant is wonderful, but it's not a place we can afford to breathe the air in right now. I hope you all have a wonderful time, though. How about coming to our house the night before for a barbecue? We'd love to relax with you and catch up on your lives."
If, perish the thought, your friend expresses amazement that you wouldn't go into debt to be with her, you can J. repeat your statement: "I hope you all have a wonderful time there."
I agree with the honesty thing...Say something tactfully like, "That's a great place, but I not sure we can handle the sticker shock right now...how about if you come over the night before (or whatever)."
If she's really worth your time, then you should be able to shoot straight with her. Tell her that type of restaurant is not in your budget & make a compromise. If she gets upset, then she isn't really a friend.
You J. say, you cannot afford it.
They are friends.
So you can say that.
They should understand.
Per M. and my friends, we are open and I could say that and they would understand.
AND, it is rude of them, if they expect you to pay for THEIR anniversary dinners.
Did she invite you to join as in Dutch treat or her treat?
If we ever, ever invite someone to join us for dinner, we fully expect to pick up the entire tab. You don't invite if you don't plan to pay for everyone you invite. That's our deal.
The tricky part for you is to figure out if they expect to go Dutch. My opinion it is rude for them to invite you and not make the intentions clear.
If you go, expect to split the tab. If you know the restaurants are not within your budget, J. be honest and say we'd live to join you but that restaurant is not within our budget. Then give them a nice bottle of wine as a gift.
Or, J. meet for happy hour.
I would tell her that you think they deserve a nice dinner for two for their anniversary, but that you would love to see them while they are in town. I might suggest breakfast the next morning so she could tell M. all about it. And buy them a nice card and a gift that is within your budget.
Buy them a nice card, not dinner. Check out online the menu for that restaurant, and find something on it that you and your husband can afford. If that is still too much, J. tell her that you are not prepared to spend that kind of money.
An anniversary is between the husband and wife, so there is no need for you to feel obligated to finance their celebration, especially when you have had no choice in the venue.
Do you know of any less expensive restaurants that are a real hidden gem? If you do, offer to give them an "insider's guide" to your city.
SOMETHING HAS OCCURED TO M.:
I do have some friends who have a lot more $$ then I do. We all belong to the same club (It's not fancy country club, J. one that we have fun, do some good chairty fund raisers and treat each other with respect)....We all contribute, some with $$, some with service, some with both. I have made friends who invite M. to join them for lunch or dinner at pretty expensive venues and they know the place would not (always) fit into my budget....they ALWAYS let M. know it will be THEIR treat, under certain circumstances. I then feel very comfortable to accept or decline. Do you think your friends offered the invite to you and your husband as their treat?
Your friend is out of touch with reality. Offer to have them over for a nice dinner at your home. Let her know that you and your husband can't afford the place they picked out. If she doesn't get it, then you need to get some new friends. If they DO get it, hopefully they will bring a really nice bottle of wine or champagne.
Usually the one who does the inviting acts as the host and pays. They are likely planning on treating you.
I see two options: One is to go, hoping that they have knowledge of these manners and treat, but being prepared (as another poster said, by looking ahead at the menu) to eat as low-cost as possible. Skip the alcohol and appetizers, order a lower cost entree then announce that you wish you were hungry for dessert, but couldn't possibly eat another bite. Enjoy a cup of coffee for dessert, or if you have to have a dessert to be polite you and hubby share something.
The second option is to respond to her that you would love to see them, but suggest a way that you are more comfortable with: invite them over for dessert a coffee, etc. If they were planning on treating at dinner she will say for you to come as their guest.
How good of a friend is she that she would choose a really expensive restaurant and not know that it's out of your league right now? And have the expectation for you and your hubs to join them with out asking first if that is financially feasible? I personally, think it's rude to be invited out to very expensive restaurants and the invitation does not discuss the splitting of the tab up front, honestly, openly from the git go.
Be honest. Be yourself.
first of all its their anniversary not yours-your not obligated to pay for their personal; celebration.
2nd-i read alot of this on here-cant afford it but scared to say so-WHY?..if your budget is tight its tight-thats it!!...if they are true friends theyll truly understand-if they dont-leave them be at the curb.i do not have a problem with saying-no i cant afford it..no one else should either-but this is what i do-if im kinda stuck-come on over for a great dinner-steaks on the grill-all fixins to go with it-relaxed atmosphere etc.if they say no-well invite em to mkdees..J. tell them the truth plain n simple-good luck
I say communicate. Be straight forward
You are both adults. Explain while that restaurant is lovely you simply can't afford it presently but how about lunch at another place instead. Hell you can spin that it's their anniversary anyways and a nice dinner date with J. the two of them would be so lovely.
Otherwise you could go and hubby and you share something little and J. make an oh were tired and not that hungry sort of excuse. Here it's already unseasonably warm and you could blame it on the weather.
But to be honest I'd J. be well honest.
