Hi All,
I have a serious problem with my 3.5yr old son! He is so smart and sneaky...he sneaks out of the house almost daily and takes off down the street. I have a chain on the door but he has learned that if he uses a bar stool to unlock it he can get out with out me knowing about it. I keep a very close eye on him but as soon as my back is turned for 2 seconds he is GONE! I can't go to the bathroom, put a baby down for a nap or make lunches unless he is standing right next to me so I know he will stay put. Since I do daycare Brennan knows that my parents come everyday around 5:30 and the door gets unchained so that is the prime time to take off since I have to deal with the 2 parents here to pick up their little ones. For instance, yesterday...he told me he was going to play computer games in the office so I went to the bathroom and when I came back I changed a diaper and put the baby in the crib and then went to check on him and he wasnt there. I started yelling for him and noticed the door unchained so I ran outside but couldnt find him anywhere! Some neighborhood kids heard me yelling for him and came and got me, he was 3 houses down, he just walked into their backyard and started playing on their play equipment. Then their was today, he took off as usual 5:45 but I went outside and he was playing basketball with some of the boys down the street so after my kids were gone, I took the baby and walked down and was talking to other moms and allowing him to play but then he grabed a skateboard and took off, so one of the mothers asked her son to go get him but then the didnt come back, so then another little boy went down to get him...the 2 older boys came back but they couldnt find Brennan so then a mom went and couldnt find him so she then sent her hubby. I followed and walked all the way to the park where he was playing. I told him that it isnt ok for him to go where I cant see him and he literally replied "YES IT IS" and preceded to argue with me. I said fine when we get home you are going to get a spanking and go to bed...he said "NO IM NOT!".
I have tried everything from talking nicely and explaining why he cant do it to spanking with the "SPOON" to grounding from cartoons and gameboy. I feel all the parents on my block think im a horrible mother and that I must be to busy to keep after him and they all joke about it and say "same time tomorrow?". I am very consistant with discipline so I really need suggestions on what to do!!! He doesnt really have kids his own age to play with during the day and I know that is part of the problem cause he just wants to play and he will start a public preschool in August but I need suggestions for the next 5mo!
Sorry its so long! Just so frustrated and my hubby is gone this Thurs-late tomorrow night so I have no one else to talk to...Thanks in advance!
I am definately going to go out and get a new locking device for the door maybe an alarm or 2 especially since he has figured how to get out through the garage door, my hubby also installs home alarm systems for a living and we may look into one for the house. I appreicate the suggestions that were made and I would like everyone to know that I am aware of the dangers of what my son is doing. I feel like I was attacked in some of the comments when they related this happening because of lack of attention...people see my age and just think that I am a young mom and there is no way that I could possibly know how to divide my time amoungst my 19week old, him and daycare kids. My son will def. be starting school in August and I have started watching a 4yr old during the week so he can have some age related stimulation. I dont just sit him in front of a tv all day and make him hang out with babies! He has a preschool environment right here at home. I also pay LOTS of one on one attention to him. We do just him and me time at the park, walks, when the babies are down for naps and we have early morning snuggle time and if I have to run an errand if my hubby is home just the 2 of us will go and then get a treat on the way home. He gets a LOT more attention now than he did when I worked 80hrs a week and we never had this problem before. I really dont feel like I should have to defend my parenting skills on here of all places, I was just asking for suggestions. So the next time you are going to respond to someone please dont make it out to be a personal attack! Thanks to all those that were supportive and helpful!
My friend has the same problem with her daughter and they got and alarm system that would "talk" If the back door was opened it would say "BACK DOOR" same for the front door, garage, ect.
Good luck!
This was a HUGE concern of mine the moment my son learned to open the deadbolt on our front door. All it would take is a careless driver or a lurking sex offender and my child could be taken from me forever.
I immediately went to the local Home Depot and picked up a lock similar to this (only silver):
http://www.vandykes.com/product/02007599/
I installed it along the top of the door (vertically) so there was no chance of my son reaching it...even if he were to stand on something. It was a piece of cake to install and I was able to do it myself in just a few minutes. (If you can't find this one specifically, there are several other types of "surface locks" that would be just as good.)
Once it was in, I trained myself and my hubby (and even our extended family/friends) to automatically lock it every time they came through the door. Before long, it was second nature for everyone. The great thing is that, once your son realizes he can't get out that way anymore, he will probably stop trying altogether. But keep locking it!!!
I know you have a daycare and parents coming and going, but we're talking about your son's life here. Ask the parents to lock that special bolt EVERY SINGLE TIME they come through the door. I'm sure they'll be happy to do so...after all, you're trying to protect THEIR children as well.
But most of all, BE DILIGENT. You are your son's ONLY line of defense against the hazards/evil of this world and he is counting on you to keep him safe. The behavior issues are difficult (I know) but keeping him ALIVE should definitely take priority...as I'm sure you know.
Good luck, and hang in there! And remember to lock that door!
All the ideas about the locks are great. I'm not sure how big your toddler is, but I know that a friend of mine use to strap her child in a carseat when she couldn't get him to remain in time out. You might do that, or in a booster seat with straps, (maybe with a healthy snack) during drop off/pick up times. I'm nervous to suggest that you carry your spoon with you when you chase him down at the neighbors - there is so much differing opinions about discipline. However, young children who can't really handle all the reasoning need to immediately associate their behavior with pain on their behind so they can make the connection.
when my autistic son was young this was a big scare for us. walking out. so we changed the locks in the house to one you HAD to open with a key. we kept the keys somewhere he didn't know. i share your fear of that danger. it may be incovenient to tell someone at the door to "hold on" while you go get it (or keep it in your pocket) but there is no substitution for peace of mind)
Hi, It sounds like your little one is crying out for attention. Have you tried setting aside some alone time just for him. Take him to the park just you and him or doing something to reward him for his good behavior. Maybe try a chart with stickers or something in a jar with marbles when he does something good reward him. Then he gets to go shopping. Maybe do 10 cents in a jar for good behavior and then after a month he gets to go to the dollar store. I used the chart on my little one and it worked. She used to lie about everything. I made a big chart and when she did something good I put pretty stickers. When she lied I put a big fat sad face. Within a month she stopped acting up and lying. Good luck!! W.
We had the same problem with our neighbors threatening to call protective services on us if our son got out again. It makes you feel like such a horrible, useless parent, but he was so smart and fast that there was no way to catch him. We had a huge pond across the street and he would often run there. The year before a child his age wandered outside and drowned when he fell into a neighbor's water feature.
We finally had to get a house alarm just so we would hear a beep whenever any door was opened. At first we did not put an alarm on the garage door because it didn't seem necessary, but he would start going outside that way instead. He was so sneaky that he would even turn on the vaccuum or wait until someone used the garage door opener so the sound would muffle the alarm. We just set the alarm to the loudest setting and every time the door was opened we would hear it beep and we would catch him immediately. We didn't lock the doors because it was a pain everytime someone wanted to come in or out, so we just used it for the sound it created. That was the best solution we could figure since he could figure out any lock.
Now you can find little alarms that sound when a window or door is opened for a fraction of the cost of having a home alarm installed with the monthly monitoring fees, etc. Here's a link to one:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00032CIJQ
For times when he is out with you and runs off, there are some child alarms and locators that they can wear that sound if they stay out of a certain range and help you to locate them when they do. Here is a link to one as an example, though I've done no product research on them. I just know they are available.
http://www.mypreciouskid.com/child-locator.html
I wish you well! I know how frustrating it can be!
We had this same concern with our youngest. What we have done (and it's worked wonderfully!) is we purchased double-lock deadbolt locks for the doors. They are inexpensive and super easy to install and you can get them keyed so that the same key works for multiple doors/locks. Anyway, you need a key to open the lock from both the inside and the outside, so your son can't just open the lock. Keep the key on you and there is NO way he can escape. Good luck!
Hi T.,
What about the double door latches/knobs? One goes up really high on a door and both that one and the regular one need to be turned at the same time in order for the door to open. I know they have them for back doors out to patios so I bet they have them for front doors as well. Good luck.
we went through that stage, luckily very quickly!
More locks on the doors!
T.,
I see you have gotten a lot of advice on this. I hope you won't mind one more bit of input. I saw a two-fold issue in what is going on. One, is the obvious safety issues and the suggestions for locks and alarms are extremely good ideas to cover this. I hope you will do one of those soon as safety is first priority. Your son reminds me a bit of my second son who is now grown with his own child. He is about your age too. He was headstrong and so determined to outman, outthink, outsmart, and outrun me! lol Sometimes he still is! lol He is a good guy though and so there is hope. However, there are a few words of advice I would offer from one mom who's been there to a newer mom who has it all ahead of her. It is very important that you make clear boundaries with your son. The one thing you mentioned that I thought you might want to reconsider, was how he was allowed to stay and play after running outside, and then he ran again. He has his boundaries all blurred. I get that he wants attention, or maybe he is bored, or needs more play time with friends. And, addressing those issues are important for sure. However, I would strongly urge you to find a clear boundary and consequences for his behavior while this is going on. You won't always be able to add a new lock or security alarm to fix the problem. And, the situations only get more scary as they get older when boundaries are blurred. Believe me, I've been there and it was a rough road. I learned from trial and error with my son and somehow we got through it okay. But there are so many things that I look back on and wish I hadn't let him get away with stuff just because I didn't keep good boundaries for whatever the reasons were. It would've been so much easier to do when he was little compared to trying to fix it when he was a teenager.
You can teach him that it is because you love him that you are giving him a boundary. Because he obviously doesn't realize how dangerous the situation is, you have to fill in for him to keep him safe. That is your job as his mother and you are happy to do it because you love him. Tell him that and even though he will be mad or upset, in the long run, he will learn that he must follow the rules because mom knows how to keep him safe, and she will because she loves him. There was a time when we lived near a gang area in California. We were at a local elementary school for Little League practice and my younger kids were playing on the nearby playground while we watched practice. All of a sudden, a gang hopped the fence and started mingling with the kids on the playground. I tried to subtly call my kids to say practice was over (it was almost) and it was time for them to come be by me. My son, (yes, the one mentioned above...lol) would NOT listen and come. It was so scary as I was not trying to call attention to what I was doing to the gang members. I realized then, that I needed to do a better job of teaching my kids to trust that I tell them things to keep them safe and they must follow and listen even when they think things are fine. I told my son (he was about 6 at the time) when we got in the car why I was so upset and that he could've been in danger. It woke him up a little and things were better on that end after that.
Anyway, I didn't mean to go so long. I just have strong feelings because of my own experiences. I hope that you find a good path for you and your family. This is just my opinion and not a judgement on your parenting skills. I believe that you have all the skills, just we all can learn things to improve or sharpen our abilities, and kids will always try to stay one step ahead of us! We need each other to outsmart them! heheh
The short version of my take on this: 1. Fix your safety issue with a lock or alarm. 2. Explore what the underlying cause for running out is and find a workable solution to abate that need to run. (this might be done by just asking him what he wants when he runs off...he might even be allowed to brainstorm alternative ideas with you to getting what he wants in a better, safer way. You might say: would'nt it be cool if you could get what you want, stay safe, and not be in trouble? Let's think of some ideas!) 3. Set clear, definable boundaries and consequences for violating them that are consistently met out with love and respect. I would definitely suggest never actually allowing him to play during a time when he has run off inappropriately. Playing comes as a reward for following all the safety and house rules.
I hope that made sense. It is so hard to convey through email rather than talking sometimes. Good luck! I wish you all the best!
L. B
Certified Life Coach
____@____.com
Hi T. - well I haven't had this particular issue with my girls, but from an outsider's point of view, from reading your description, it sounds like he escapes because he's bored and wants something new to do! Has he been at home with only you and babies for 3 1/2 years? Maybe he has just reached an age where being at home with mom and babies is not stimulating his growth any longer, so he's escaping in order to do it for himself. A 3 1/2 yr old definately has different needs for their emotional, intellectual, and social growth than infants.
Have you thought about having him go to daycare with kids his own age - even if it's just 1 or 2 days a week part-time, I bet that would help satisfy his curiosity and fulfill the needs he is trying to fill himself.
Rather than punish him for trying to fill his need, maybe take a good look at what that need is and find a safe way to fill it that works for the whole family.
Good luck!
T. you have a serious safety problem here. You need to get a door alarm for all your doors, front and back. Get the kind that when the door is opened an alarm goes off that way you know when your son has opened it. You can than run and get him and stop him before he gets out. Place him immediately in time-out (or what ever you use) explain why and continue to do this each time. You will have to do this over and over due to his age. You also need to install a different type of lock on the door. Use the sliding bar type or something that is harder or will take longer for him to open in the first place so that those times you are in the bathroom he can't get the door open quite as quick. Our youngest daughter use to open the door up and go out until we did this, they don't really understand the safety issue at this age. Also could you put him in a preschool now or have him help you TEACH the younger kids? Maybe he is doing this as a cry for attention from you. Sit down and think about how much time you are really playing with him. Does he get your attention before he breaks out or only after? Good luck.
R.
Hi T.. My son is now 19 so there is hope! The first thing I would suggest you do is put a deadlock on the door - one of those that can't be easily opened by a child. If it's the screendoor, get one of those security screens with deadbolts on them. This worked for me. If he's climbing on the barstools, remove them! Lock them up! Don't give in to him and don't argue with him. Spanking isn't going to teach him anything except that it's okay to hit someone when they don't do what you want them to do. He's only 3-1/2! You are the parent. Act like it. Maybe he's feeling like you're giving more attention to the baby and the children you watch. So, plan to spend some alone time with him so he doesn't need to run away to get your attention. He isn't old enough to understand about getting hit by a car or stolen or hurt or whatever. But he can understand yes and no! Forceful and consistent. And if you have to carry him around when the parents come to pick up their children from your daycare, be prepared to do so. Get one of those backpack things for kids. He's still a baby and he needs your attention and love. It's your responsibility to make sure he's safe by whatever means necessary. Finally, if these don't work, maybe you should have him evaluated to make sure he's not dealing with an emotional or mental challenge.
