Erectile Dysfunction

Hi there J. - sorry, I can't help you in regards to the ED problem, except to say that maybe his ego is damaged right now or he's suffering from personal experiences from Desert Storm.

However, in regards to the hearing loss - if this was caused by things that happened during Desert Storm, then the VA (Veterins Administration) should help with treatment costs and supply/organise hearing aids. You can contact them and ask about it at: www.va.gov or 1800-###-###-####.

I hope this helps some.

I hear your frustration and I don't want to seem unsypathetic because I do believe intimacy is a crucial part of a healthy relationship but if it were me I would be less worried about our sex life and more worried about finding a way to get him some help. He may have some serious problems due to his time overseas. I am not a psychiatrist but these all sound like symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and that is very common among those coming back from DS. If you stay so focused on you getting your needs met sexually you will end up either very unhappy, cheating or breaking up your family by splitting up. Get creative on getting some outside help. The VA may have someone you can talk to about what is going on with him since his return and ideas on how to get him in to be evaluated both physically and psychologically. In the mean time, find other ways of being intimate as best you can although if he has PTSD he may not be capable of being very intimate in any way but you should try. Also, get creative on how to please yourself. Good luck to you.

J.,
Hey, The best advice that I can give to you both is make a Dr.'s appointment for your fiance, his E.D. may be the root of something much bigger, stress is a huge factor especially for the guys 40 and over. But he may have an underlying condition that is preventing his erections. (diabetes, weight gain, ect) It is best if he goes in and has some blood work done. It might be as simple of a solution as that. He should also talk to someone about his stresses, job, children, relationship, his feelings about desert storm. I know how frustrating it can be to have a partner that is unable to perform, but adding more stress on to of this problem will not help the situation, as hard as it is, be patient and understanding and if you need to,(at the risk of sounding crude) go and buy yourself a toy to help get you thru the difficult days. (It's a short term solution.) Remember he may feel embarrassed and worthless, because of his inability to perform, just keep encouraging him to get treatment. I understand, and good luck.

Have you checked with the VA Hospital about the hearing,if it is related to service, he may be elgible for hearing aids at no cost. Also, he may be elgible for a medical doc to rule out anything physical and a pschiatrist to delve into any psychological reasons. Gammychick

I too had the same issues with the man that I just filed divorce papers on yesterday. I lived with the same problems for 6 years. No matter what I did to try and convince him to see a Dr. about his problem, he would always tell me that there is nothing they can do for him, and that he is not about to go through the shots again. (Note: The shot issues was 15 years ago.) I have tried to explain to him that the shots were in the past and that there is medicine just for ED now, and with the miracle of TV and commercials, how can you not know about these little wonders? The soon-to-be ex would tell me that he just did not want to have sex like I did and that I would have to deal with the fact that it just didn't work. Sorry, I do not think that one person has to just "Deal with it" that both of you have to deal with this matter. Ask your soon-to-be to seek sexual counciling. This can help. There maybe another underlying effect that has caused him to have ED. Sometimes, stress, overweight, high blood pressure, pore cirucalation, diabetis, and sometimes emotional issues can cause a man to become this way.
My advise, just sit down with him one night, when it is just the two of you, no chhildren, no cell phones, no tv, and just talk about the problem that you are having with him. Communicating to each other and being able to stress the problems in yours and his life can really help both of you. This is one thing that my ex-to-be would not do. He would clam up and not want to talk about anything, and when he did talk, he would yell. Life is to short not to be able to express what you are wanting or needing in your relationship. You never know, if you two do get to have this conversation, without hurting each others feelings, he just might see that you are really there for him and he and his "Friend" may just want to light some candles and have a nice quiet time in the bedroom!

P.S.
Just remember this, You are getting ready to hit your sexualy prime. Are you really ready to settle down with someone that is older than you that can not perform on demand? My ex is soon to be 50 and I am just 33. Not the age difference? Simular to you and your fiance'. Believe me, it is a hard issue to deal with, but treat it with love and respect and if he is serious about you, he will find away to have the problem corrected.
If you need anymore advise, please email me!
____@____.com

I can answer one of your problems. A friend of mine lost his hearing while in the service. Have you checked into getting them to help pay for the hearing aids. They helped my friend.

This sounds likemore of a different issue that E.D. I would ask him to go to counseling to try and get to the root of it. The sexual issue is probably just a symptom.

I'm so sorry. I'm sure some of this would lie with his time served in Desert Storm. My suggestion, if he would go, would be to seek counseling. There may be issues he's dealing with that he's not aware are issues. Talking about things to an impartial person, may help. I'm a big fan of seeking advice from a professional. I do know of a doctor at PSI who deals with couples and sexual dysfunction. They are located off McCallie. His name is Jeffrey Eckert. Good luck and keep strong.

ED is serious and therefore the following should be helpful
1. see MD in regards to generel health exam and discuss ED and then have test/labs to determine if related to a general medical condition.
2. If not the above then see social worker/ psychiatrist as based on what you say it sounds like PTSD and Depression. Both can be expected after military service and are completely fixable... however the longer left untreated the more they manifest and other mental health disorders can come on in addition to those, for example anxiety...etc.
3. Go to counseling your self for you only and then hope that he will feel comfortable going along.
hope this helps and will be praying for you
3. G

You need to send your fiancee to a urologist, they can help him with his problem if it is a physical one and not a psychological one.

Hi J. P,
I am very sorry that you and your fiancee are having to go through this in your relationship. At least is he willing to get some help for the hearing trouble. Most men that were in the Military do have problems showing emotion. The military trys to knock that out of them in training. But anyways onto the next thing that I have to say. I would try not to take it personally if you can on him not wanting to try on sex. Its NOT you!!! IT is HIM!!!! There is something going on with him MENTALLY! I would say that he is under ALOT of stress. Especially since you said that his son is being mouthy, showing alot of disrespect,getting into fights at school and so on. It could also be that he is majorly depressed and not know it. When someone is depressed they start turning away from the ones who love them the most and it also starts showing up in the bedroom. Most of the time when someone is depressed they just do NOT want to face the truth of that fact they REFUSE to believe that "THEY" the strong ones could be depressed and absolutely REFUSE to get help. NO matter how it affects the ones around them. Has your fiancee been diagnosed with ED? If so, then why is he having a problem with going to the Doctor for meds to get help with it? My answer to that is: he could be ashamed of that, could be that he doesnt want to face that he has that problem that most males on this planet does. Im not trying to be cruel or downplay his feelings or yours. I understand completely how you feel. When you try to initiate sex play in the bedroom, his mind could be elsewhere at the time and that COULD be why he doesnt allow you to touch him for longer than the 10-15 seconds that he does. He could also feel like he isnt doing the "job" right for you. There are ALOT of things that could be going through his mind. Have you tried to talk to him about this?? Tell him how you feel??? I would try to talk to him and ask him,tell him whats going on with you. Let him know how much this is hurting you and your relationship. Im going to add something else. I DONT want to hurt you, but this is a strong possibility..He could be seeing someone else..IM VERY SORRY!!!!! Im NOT, saying that he is. Just a possibility! I dont know him or anything, but that is one of that thoughts that ran through my head when I read this. Please forgive me! I hope that it is just stress. Rather than anything else. I do wish you both the VERY best of luck!!!!!!!!!! Many blessing and MANY MANY years of Happiness for you both together!!!!!!!!!

Blessings and MUCH Happiness,
Jen
P.S.
Please dont think of seeing someone else, that really destroys a relationship. Especially if you want this one to work out. I know you are lonely, hurt and are in need of something. But plz just try to talk to him. Maybe he will see the light. And see how great of a woman you are!!!!

Relax about the whole E.D. thing. Bringing it up is likely just making him push you away even more. Chill out. You cannot make him do anything, and you will come across as a nag if you keep it up. If you don't like not having sex with him, leave him, don't just nag him. If you like him well enough to stay with him without sex, stay with him, but don't nag him. Sexuality and performance is monstrously huge to a man--it's almost their whole persona in some ways--and when you keep wanting something he can't give you, you're making him feel like he's less of a man, and less worthy, and less sexy, and that actually is making his problem worse. You can find ways to relate to him other than through sex, if he's important enough to you. If the lack of sex isn't important enough to him (or he just doesn't want to deal with it because it's too embarrassing), he will not do anything about it, and you can't make him. You're not his mother, and he's not a child. Men don't talk about their feelings very easily, especially feelings about sex and not being able to satisfy their woman. Back off and let him come to you on his terms. Listen to what he *does* say, take stock of what he *does* do, and focus less on how he isn't fulfilling and satisfying you.

You're not married, so you have lots of options. In addition to seeing the doctor, find a family/marriage counselor for the 2 of you. If you can't work things out, don't marry him.

I am confused. Do you think that the ED is from worry that you will get pregnant again or do you think there is a physical illness?
Whatever the problem, I think that you have got to sit and have a talk with him about how you think it is eventually going to cause him to stray. You have got to say it in a way that he will listen and UNDERSTAND. Life stressors (like smart alic children...and I have one of those too so I can definitely relate) can be a pain and put a hardship on things like sex but if it is a real life ED physical problem then he is probably not letting you try more than 15 seconds because he is afraid it won't happen which can lead to him being embarrassed and if he can't get it up, he is feeling less of a man. Make sure that you tell him that is not how it is and that is not how you feel. Also tell him about what you think it is going to lead to. Spill your heart to him. How long has this been going on?
He can go to the dr and get a shot to help that, or like you said viagra or celalice. That can be cured. If it is stressors then that is another story and actually worse because medicine can't fix that. But the talking is LONG over due. Pick the best time and the best place with no kids around to interupt you. This has got to be one of the most important talks in your life because this will decide the fate of your future. If he won't talk then I am not sure what to tell you. You could suggest going to a psychologist. If that doesn't work then you will have to decide whether you want to find a play mate or not but let him know what you are thinking and deciding. If he truly loves you and doesn't want to lose you then he will help out and try something. The ignoring or refusing to try or do anything about it scares me more than the ED to tell the truth. You could also tell him that you can deal with the ED because with help you can fix that but you can't deal with the "non-caring" about your feelings because that indicates something else and he will know exactly what that means. That may scare him enough to wake up and realize that it is time to deal with it. He can only put it off for so long until he has to deal with it.
Good luck and I wish you all the best. If you want to talk, write me: ____@____.com

We had the same problem at my house, my husband is also a veteran of both Desert Storm and OIF. It sounds to me like he's dealing with some serious stress. It may be a good idea for you to talk to your family doctor and then get him an appointment separately for a "physical" so the doctor can determine any underlying causes. With Michael it was a tramatic brain injury that affected both his memory, and his overall interest in anything (especially sex). Getting him in the mood had a whole lot less to do with his body than it did with his mind. And yes, get yourself a toy or two to get you through it (altough be honest with him about that and let him help you use it if he wants).

You do not say how long your fiancee has had the ED problem. Try encouraging him again to go to the dr for a general health check up, especially blood pressure. Even though it has been a while since Desert Storm your guy could still have some Post Traumatic Syndrome issues that he has not dealt with. This along with his hearing loss could contribute to the ED problem.
You say he is not on any medications that you know of. May want to look take a closer look at that just to make sure. Hope things work out for the 2 of you. Your family will be in my prayers. ST