My daughter is 3 and is really good about going to bed and falling asleep on her own - I don't need to sit with her, I don't need to cuddle her until she falls asleep, and she stays in bed all night until the next morning. She generally does not give me a hard time about going to bed either. We have a routine in place that includes hugs and kisses, reading stories, and cuddles before getting tucked in. The issue I am having is that she keeps trying to drag out the process. It's always, "I need 1 more story!" or "I need to hug and kiss Daddy again!" or "I need to get my sippy cup and drink some water!". Or she "needs" another toy in bed with her, or "needs" a different lullaby CD put on. And so on, etc., etc., etc.
Admittedly, I tend to give in, because I figure her requests are not unreasonable - I'm not going to deprive her of water if she is thirsty, for example. or one more hug for Dad. I do draw the line at one more story however, because she will always want "one more." Tonight though, we already had teeth brushed and stories read, and then she wanted to eat a banana. At first I said no, because it would have meant brushing her teeth all over again, but she kept asking and asking (she tends to be VERY persistent and will ask for something 100 times, even if I say no every time). She had not eaten a great dinner and she kept saying she was hungry, so last thing I want to do is send her to bed crying and hungry. So I told her she could have a banana but we would have to brush teeth all over again. Then she got upset because I didn't let her put the toothpaste on the brush herself or doing any brushing herself (normally I do but I had already been through this once and I wanted to get through it quick). When we were done she started asking for more stories and got upset when I said NO, enough was enough. Then we started cuddling in the chair in her room and when I told her it was time to get tucked in, she said, "No, I want to cuddle on the floor now!" (((SIGH)))
I again told her no. Got her into her bed and tucked her in. Then she decides she needs 1 of her other toys in there. I kiss her good night and leave the room. As soon as I get to the door, she needs me to come back and give her another kiss and hug. Oh, okay, fine...can't say no to that! And then she wants me to sit in the room with her a little while (this is new, and has just starting coming up the past few weeks).
Sorry this is so long, I know I should just be savoring this time and the age that she is right now, because it will be over all too soon, but so often I find myself thinking that this is just too much. I like having the routine of brushing teeth, stories, cuddles, tucking in, but I am tired of my daughter constantly trying to drag it out and not easily taking no for an answer. I am often exhausted by the time I finally get her into bed, tonight everything took almost an hour from end of bath time to me leaving the room. I am a firm believer in setting limits and boundaries but this is one area that I am having difficulty not feeling like "mean mommy" Interestingly enough, when I have to work overnights (3 times a week) and my husband has to put her to bed, she does not make all these demands. She does not even want him to read bedtime stories. If I am not there, he just puts her to bed and that's it! But if I am home, forget it - she needs to whole routine and then some. Any advice on how to keep it relatively short and sweet without feeling like I am making my daughter feel not loved enough?
Thanks for all the great advice! I really like the idea of writing the routine out, with pictures. I usually do stick to my guns when it comes to everything else, and no means no...I've realized that bedtime tends to be my weak spot. I'm usually tired myself and it's easy to give in when you think, ok this should be it. I like reading her stories because I want her to grow up to be a reader. There's the nights I work and can't be there. There's knowing that they grow up all too fast and life sometimes doesn't turn out the way you expected. Stories about people losing their children break my heart. No matter how the rest of the day has gone, I like having it end on a good note. She was pulling some of this a number of months ago by always asking for more stories and I kept indulging her and it was getting to be too much. I realized then that I had to just set a limit and leave it at that, and then she was better. Apparently I've done some backsliding. :)
I was talking with hubs and he said that actually, the past few weeks when he's put her to bed, she's started saying yes when he offers to read her stories and now she's starting to get more demanding with him. It's funny and yet also annoying how he can sit and read the paper and drink a cup of coffee and she won't bug him at all and with me I can't do anything without her almost constantly wanting my attention. It's like she knows I will drop whatever I'm doing and respond and hubs just is able to zone out.
Today for nap time (she is still a daily napper and we go through the same routine) I let her know well ahead of time that I would read her 2 stories, and no more - that was all we had time for. I reminded her a couple of times. Once she asked, "We read 3?" and I said no, I told you 2 and she said, "Okay..." Also told her I was not going to keep getting her one thing after another so I made sure we at least had the sippy cup with us at the beginning. When I was reading to her and she wanted to sit and lay all over my back (I was on my stomach), I told her to stop because it was hurting and her response was to say "Sorry Mommy!", then lay a blanket on my back to help it feel better. I gave her the choice of cuddles on the floor or in the chair and told her she had to pick one, we were not going to do both. She picked the chair. And then I was able to tuck her in with no more "delays". One kiss, one hug and "I love you too Mommy" and then she was off to Dreamland.
She can be such a sweetie pie when she chooses to be! :) Thanks again everyone!
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V.W.
answers from
Jacksonville
on
Been there done that. Right down to how she didn't pull it with Daddy.
Tough love, Mom. AND warnings. "Warn" her before you start bedtime stories that this is her last opportunity before lights out to ___ whatever it is she needs( and name them all... a drink of water, that there will be X # of stories, that you will cuddle for X # of minutes, that no more food after teeth brushing (so ask her if she is satisfied before she brushes her teeth), etc. The first time, she will test you. So be prepared to stand firm. You will know she isn't hungry/thirsty/whatever... so just tell her, "no dear. Remember? I told you that we were done until morning." Then stick to the stories and tuck her into bed. Kiss kiss, night night. I also had to ask mine before I walked out of the room, "is there anything you wanted to ask or tell me before you go to sleep?"...because she'd think of things she "needed" to ask or tell me to get me to come back into her room.
Stick to the "no dear" for a week solid without exception. Then if you decide you want to make an exception for something (like she didn't eat well and you want her to have another bite before bed JUST this once), you can! And you can TELL her that is what it is: " an exception, just this ONCE. Tomorrow night, no extra snacks after teeth brushing." (or whatever the exception was)... she'll get it. And you won't be "the heavy" forever. :)
hth
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W..
answers from
Chicago
on
reframe your thinking.
Instead of feeling like "mean mommy who is making your daughter feel not loved enough" - feel like "good mommy who is teaching her daughter life skills that are necessary for her to be a healthy adult". Instead of "indulgent mommy" you want to be "mommy who has helped her daughter achieve milestones of self-soothing and setting limits". etc etc etc
Bottom line, she does it because she can. It's a HORRIBLE trap to be in, but one, as moms, we fall into far too often.
I love the list idea. Come up with the list together - then she has ownership in the routine. You also have to stick to your guns (ick).
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D.P.
answers from
Pittsburgh
on
Make little checklist of ALL of the things you guys do before bed.
Snack
teeth
2 stories
water by bed
cuddle
Kiss from mom
kiss from dad
music acceptable?
BEDTIME!
Let her keep track of what's next and then she'll see when it's "done" and time to sleep.
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A.H.
answers from
New York
on
tell her she gets one request after the bedtime story... only one.. and then lights out... she can't have 2.. only one... give her a choice.. say tonight you get to either pick out of the jar.. have a bunch of papers or you can give her a choice.. like one hug from daddy, one more short story or a drink.. or just leave a small drink next to her .... that's it one request.. or have her pick a request out of the jar.. no matter what it is.. she gets only that.. and she cant pick again until tomorrow.... good luck but be firm.. if she persists.. just walk away... you have to..
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R.D.
answers from
New York
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Ugggg, I feel for you. My son does, or used to, do the same thing. Part of the reason I give in is that I am exhausted and it is just easier. Also, the whole thirst and hunger thing also plays with my mind. Yet, there is a reason why all of a sudden they are starving at bedtime. Anything to stretch it out. After 4 books, 3 stories and two songs...I am DONE. It used to take me an hour and a half to get my son to sleep. While I still do the whole book, song and story routine, if my son keeps trying to stay up or get up, I implement the three strike rule. He is aware that once he gets three strikes for trying to get out of going to sleep that I am done and will leave the room and no more shenanigans. However, my son has never let us count to three or get to three strikes so I am not sure what we would actually do in this case. Just the threat of it with him totally works. We often joke that if he only knew we really had nothing planned at "3" he could get away with anything!
Anyway, the point is, try to start warning at the first thing she does to start getting out of going to sleep. Sanity is the key here!
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M.P.
answers from
Portland
on
I haven't read the other responses. I can really empathize with you. I have this difficulty too. I suggest that this evening turned into a disaster because she was tired. It's important to have a routine and stick with it. Talk about the routine with her. Perhaps make a picture chart with the last picture being in bed. Once she's in bed, there is no more anything. And then most important of all, leave. If you're not in the room she can't ask for more. You will have to be consistent so that she is able to learn that you do man what you say.
I suggest letting her have a sippy cup of water in bed with her. My grandchildren, during their preschool years would sip during the night without even waking up.
It could be she postpones your leaving her because she likes the attention, cuddling, etc. That doesn't mean she needs it. She wants the good feelings to last. When you're able to firmly but lovingly tell her it's now time to go to sleep and are able to consistently say that she'll understand that no matter what she says or does you mean what you say. That is a source of security for her. When you vacillate, she has to keep trying to see if it'll work this time. And she whines or fusses because the boundary is not clear. Why is Mommy hanging around? She says I should go to sleep but......? And eventually you're both worn out and not having any fun at all.
You have control over how you feel. Instead of telling yourself that you're making your daughter feel not loved enough, tell yourself you are helping her to feel secure in knowing that Mommy loves her enough to let go when it's time to go to sleep. You are giving her a clear boundary and reassuring her that you do love her.
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S.H.
answers from
Honolulu
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Okay... its a phase.
BUT.... don't let her yank your chain.
My son just made 4 and he does that too, when he was 3. They get that way. My son no longer does that.
MAKE a limit.
Say "You can ask for TWO things only. That's all...."
She knows, you give in.
Next, what I sometimes do is: I tell my kids, if it gets ridiculous.. I say "Mommy is going time-out." Meaning, they do NOT get Mommy helping them... and I go on strike. I tell them, if they keep it up... then NO Mommy to help them and they do it on their own. Period. And NO bedtime routine with me. And then I walk away.
It works.
Once they settle down... then I am right there.
All the best,
Susan
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R.K.
answers from
Boston
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You said this is just when you are home so maybe its away to get some more attention from you. Maybe she just misses you those 3 nights and this is her way of showing it. I would try to start the bed time routine a little earlier and not give in to every request she makes. I always offer a snack before bed then its bathroom, brush teeth, story, hugs and kisses, bed but usually my 3 year old falls asleep before the story is over. You will not be a "mean mommy" if you don't cuddle in the chair, then on the floor, and then go back a few times for hugs and kisses.
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D.M.
answers from
Detroit
on
Hi Kirsten---You sound like a great mommy. But, even a 3 year old 'knows' how to manipulate us to get what they want. After all, they are learning that they are and individual and that they have 'powers' over mom and dad.
The fact that she goes on and on with you and not daddy tells me that she is doing this with you because she can. It has worked in the past, why not milk it for all it's worth. We all have to set boundries for our children, even though they may try to make us feel like we are mean, and that includes the bedtime routine. We sometimes forget that first, we are parents. The time to be our children's friends is when they are grown and have been taught the boundries that will make them positive contributors to society.
Don't feel bad about saying no. It's a word far too many kids do not hear these days. Good luck and keep up the good work. D.
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L.C.
answers from
Washington DC
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She is totally manipulating you.
You need to do the bed time routine -- give one kiss and hug -- and leave. Every single time.
If you give in to one thing, she's going to want more and more...
Be consistent.
LBC
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L.A.
answers from
Austin
on
I agree with the check list. I also suggest you get some books on CD. Play it every night.
One thing I have never forgotten is when the Oklahoma bombing happened. The young mom that her 2 little boys (Chase and Colton) were killed in the bombing said. Her only regret, were the nights, they asked for one more book and she would tell them to go to sleep. She says she wishes she had read "those one more books"..
