End of Life - How to Help

I recently lost a dear friend who had been sick for years but didn't tell anyone because he wanted to enjoy as much time with everyone as he could and didn't want people worrying about him. He only told people once he was close enough to death to start ahving to make concrete plans - will, memorial service planning, rehoming his dogs, etc.
I would go visit him, and sometimes, because of the pain meds he was on, he would simply sleep while I sat nearby and knitted. But he liked seeing a friendly face nearby when he woke up.
If he was craving a particular food, I would go to the grocery store and get it for him.
Don't feel like you need a list of conversation topics. Just be there, and she will elt you know what she needs from you.

Personally, I would visit as much as possible (keep the visits short, bring her favorite dessert or flowers) and send "thinking of you" cards. Have the kids draw pictures and include them in the cards.

Believe me, despite what your other cousin said, your sick cousin knows that life goes on and I bet she understands how busy you are more than you know. And the best thing in this situation is honesty. Tell your sick cousin that you don't want to burden her, but that you're so sorry she's going through this and that you don't know what to do. Ask her what she would like.

{{{HUGS}}}

Don't feel guilty. Everyone is different. It's hard to know what someone in your cousins position would want from you. You let her know you cared with your "less than perfect" calls and that is what's important. Not how many times you called. You have a family to take care of and that real and valid. It's okay, and her sister should not have chastised you, but be understanding because she is dealing with her own grief (and probably guilt on some level).

If possible go see your cousin one last time. For you, and for her. If you get out that you love her or care or whatever it is you want to say that will be great. Just holding her hand for a minute will be great too. If you can't go call or write a letter. Whatever you choose to do is okay.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I would call and please don't "line up" all of the reasons you haven't called and visited. You need to be present now and not look for forgiveness and comfort from her. You did know how serious her condition was... the fact that she didn't have the energy to talk on the phone should have been a red flag to you. While some of your reasons for not visiting are legit, not calling, writing or seeking-out updates (not their job to reach-out to you) are pretty weak.

-Call her whenever you can for a minute or two
-Hire a sitter and go visit (it's important to see her and have the chance to hold her hand before she dies)
-Help her make arrangements if she needs help
-Send her a note through the mail or email every day- it takes 5 minutes

Don't apologize for your lack of involvement b/c it implies that she needs to "forgive you"- just be there in some way every day until the end. You can find 10 minutes a day for the next few weeks. My BIL is a Hospice nurse and he is the first to say that when people make a conscious choice to "let go" and stop fighting an illness that cannot be conquered, they die both peacefully and quickly so pick up the phone now and see what she wants... it may just be to have you visit and read to her or help her sort through pictures. Whatever she wants... it's about her.

I am so sorry for your family. I haven't dealt with this so I have no personal experience to draw from.

If I were your cousin I would want to live the last 3 weeks of my life surrounded by love. I wouldn't want people to come and just say goodbye to me, but instead want to celebrate with me. Lets eat all the good food in the world, watch the best movies, take naps, laugh, talk about life, and just know that I got out of life everything I could. I guess the big thing is I wouldn't want everyone's pity but instead their love!

Are you close enough, physically, to be able to visit your cousin pretty easily? I would suggest that you go to visit her, take a meal over, maybe some reading material or something else that you know she enjoys doing.
You don't say if she is living alone or if she has family...young children? Think of what YOU would be concerned about if you were in her situation...does she need someone to take her children out for the day...if they are young and need to be "entertained"....does she need someone to come in and help by cleaning...or cooking? You might start out by writing her a letter...express what you have said in this question...tell her how much you love her and how difficult it is for you to see her going through this. Apologize for not being there earlier...but tell her you want to set that right and be there for her now. ASK her what she needs...it might be something that you would have never thought of on your own.
My own Mother died of cancer about 12 years ago...and I spent the last 6 weeks with her...she wanted to just talk...we got out the treasure trove of family pictures ( from her childhood etc) and she talked about who was in what photo ( and I made notes on the back...didn't want to lose that wonderful insight into her life!!)....she talked about how she wanted her funeral to be held...shoot I even went "casket shopping" for her....( that is why I say it may be something you would NEVER dream of that she wants someone to do for her!!!).
I would ask a friend or family member to take care of your children while you go to see them...unless she indicates that she would like to have the children there. It might be too much activity for her deal with. I would also encourage her to take advantage of the local Hospice Program, if she hasn't already done so. They are such WONDERFUL people and can help not only her but her immediate family with so many valuable services and caring hearts!!
Good luck to you and my prayers go out to your cousin and her family

You're going to have to make it a priority to visit her. This is a significant situation in your life. So get a sitter and GO. You need to separate your "mommy-self" from your "cousin-self" right now. And right now, frankly, it's more important to spend some time and effort being a good cousin.
Don't place blame or make excuses about why you haven't been there. Of course it's going to be painful! For both of you, but it's also necessary.

Yes--I'm sure your cousin realizes that "life goes on" but I don't think this is the time for idle chit chat. She's dying. It's the 800 lb. gorilla in the room. It needs to be acknowledged by you.

When my stepfather was dying, a good friend advised me to have a conversation with him O.-on-O. and it was the best advice I ever received. While it was a bit awkward to start, it was deeply healing.
Sit with her and tell her you love her. Thank her for being a good cousin and share some memories you have had together. It will bring you much comfort in the days ahead.

Ask if there is anything you can do. Would she like to talk to a clergyman? How does she feel? Is there anything you can provide that will help out? Candies for dry mouth, a foam topper for her bed for comfort? Can you prepare her family a meal? (Take O. with you!) Just be there.

The important thing to do is to bring both of you peace and closure in the days ahead. Embrace this opportunity to make a difference--for both of you.

Good luck and I'm sorry you're losing your cousin.

Definitely call - and call every couple of days. Keep your tone light, and tell her you are just calling to check in on her, and that you have been thinking about her. Tell her a little funny story about one of your boys, or maybe share a memory of something you did together. Don't expect her to talk and carry on her side of the conversation. Keep the call less than five minutes, tell her you care about her, you are sorry she is sick, and will call again in a couple of days.

My dad died of cancer, and it meant so much to him, and to us, the family, to have so many people call and visit while he was in the hospital. All of the visits and calls really made part of an awful experience nice.

Go visit her, if possible have someone watch your little ones so you can just visit with her. Write her a letter if you can't verbalize how you feel about her. Ask her caregiver(s) if there is anything you can do for them, run an errand, cook a meal, etc.

I haven't read the other answers, but my mom died from cancer two years ago, and I was over there all the time taking care of her so I myself wasn't looking for things to talk about, but I did see the parade of loving friends and family who came over, and I can tell you what helped my mom. Just about a week or two before she died, and old friend of my mom's came to town and sat at my mom's bedside and reminisced about crazy fun times, silly stories, talked about other old friends, talked about raising us kids (now grown), etc. etc. That lady laughed so much telling my mom stories (and it's making me cry thinking about it), and my mom perked up so much that day and even participated in the conversation in a way she hadn't in weeks. When that friend left that day (surely knowing it was likely the last time she would see my mom, one of her best friends) she asked my mom if she should bring white or red wine next time, and my mom lit up and said "Red!" I don't know if that helps you, but reminiscing about old times, and retelling old stories with her was one of the best days at the end for my mom. If telling old stories isn't your style (an old photo album can help get your started), you can also just go and hold her hand and watch TV together, or bring a movie. You don't have to say much at all. Really. Hope this helps. Hugs to you and your family.

When a good friend of mine died it was unexpected, even though he had been sick on and off for years. I wish I had just taken his hand and told him that I loved him, that I enjoyed all the laughs we had together, that I will think of him often, and that he did not have to worry since his wife would be well loved and kept close as a friend. Instead I did not really know what to say, and lots of family was hovering around and made me feel self conscious.
So, yes, go visit, bring the kids since the visits will have to be short. Or find a baby sitter for an hour. Make the connection, and just say what is in your heart: that you simply did not know how ill she was and that you wished you had spent more time with her. That you like/love/enjoyed her jokes, whatever. Just a short little something to let her know she is loved and liked and can rest easily. And I will forever regret not bringing my dad his favorite hot fudge sundae before he died. Sorry to hear you are losing your cousin.

So very sorry to hear K., it must be a very difficult time for your family and you. Your feelings of guilt are completely normal. We went through this recently with my FIL, and the best thing you can do is get a sitter & spend time with her. We used to go as often as possible to the hospital, the first visit was with our daughter (now 3), so she could visit Grandpa before he passed. He was still coherent and it was THEIR time together for hugs & smiles. As things progressed my hubby & I got a sitter and just spent as much time at his bedside as possible. I will tell you, it NEVER seems like enough time, but looking back on things, we cherished every day we had with our Dad and glad we were there to comfort him. God bless your cousin & family.

A good friend of mine just passed away from cancer, she spent her last month at home with hospice care. They were overwhelmed with visitors and meals, and I found out the thing her family most needed was someone to clean the house. With so many people running around, they just couldn't keep up with the housework. They specifically asked that no one bring kids, it was just too much for her at that point, so find out if your cousin would want to see your boys or not. But I was able to get a babysitter one day and go clean the house top to bottom in about 3 hours, and they were so grateful.

If she's not a phone person, that might just be too exhausting for her right now. She might appreciate if you just sit with her for a little while. My friend would like it when someone would sing to her or read her a book. She would doze off and on, but when they asked her if she wanted them to keep going, she would always nod or smile.

Good luck, and try not to overthink it. Nobody really knows how to handle this kind of situation, so just try to do what she wants and needs.

Send her a letter that tells her exactly how you feel, and make sure you explain why you haven't visited much. I know how you feel. We went through the same situation with my mom, but I had 18 month old twins and a 5 yr old who had vaccinations that weren't allowed around my mom. It was hard, but I'm glad I got to spend the time I did with her anyway. A positive note: You'll have more happy memories with her than you will of her being so sick :( You're all in my prayers. ~hugs~

Don't wait, go and see her! Three weeks could be 3 days in some cases and in others, much longer. I wouldn't roll the dice and expect to have 3 weeks to see her. Get a babysitter or have the kids stay with someone. Clear an entire afternoon or evening. Find out what time of the day is best for her. No time may be better than another. Bring old pictures, if you have any. Everything will be okay. Tell her how sorry you are that you haven't been there for her. Tell her what you just told all of us; that you think about her all of the time. Don't wait. If she goes before you can tell her, you will never forgive yourself. It's never too late to tell someone how you feel. Good luck & God Bless to all of you.

You should call, send letters and drop by and visit for a short period of time. Ask her what she wants. Ask her what things she would like to talk about. Sometimes people want to talk about the fun good old days, while at other times they want to talk about the future without them, or about normal everyday ordinary life. Let the choice be hers but engage her at this time. When and if she dies, do you want to be filled with regrets. You may also want to apologise for not staying in touch. Bring your boys with you because they will need to see her. It will help them begin to understand life and death and become compassionate men thinking about someone else more than themselves.

You may even do some reading to her or bring some of her favorite music to listen too.

When you are with her be very present, you may have to put on a brave face depending on where she is in this process. Be open and honest with her while trying not to drain her or overwhelm her with your emotions. She needs to know she is loved at this time in her life.

I don't know-you could call, write or show up with the boys-to brighten her day. God bless her.

I kind of think you should try and find some good pictures of the two of you and take them when you visit. Give her a call to find out if she would like to visit with your boys. But I think this should be something for the two of you and not them because they don't know and understand what is going on.

If she is up to it have a lunch date or something or a day in the park. She may relish the thought of fresh air and sun on her face and someone to talk to. Take a few pictures and give them to her in a special book. Tell her you think about her daily so she knows she is not alone.

Whatever you do, do something so that when she is gone you won't feel any guilt. Try and do something that will be a positive memory for both of you.

You will think it through and do the right thing. Both of you are in my thoughts at this time.

The other S.

PS Sometimes just being there speaks volumes.

I have no experience with this so feel free to ignore everything I say :) but what my intuition tells me...

First throw your guilt out the window. What has happened is in the past.

You have a gift in the sense that you can be there and help someone during the hardest part of their life. You have the opportunity to say things that many people never get to say when their loved ones pass unexpectedly.

If it is uncomfortable for you to call, good. Call. You are giving her an even greater gift by putting your own feelings aside. With all my heart I say be uncomfortable. Be there for her.

Get a sitter and go visit her. Or plan a short visit with your boys. The wonderful thing about children, especially young children is they force you to give them your attention. I bet it would be a welcome relief for her to be with the kids and not thinking about her illness.

I think in this situation many people are afraid to talk about death and what is happening but I say do the opposite. Talk about death...not in a morbid horrible way but have a conversation about it. Where do you think we go? What happens? Of course talk about her life. What does she feel she has done right? Wrong? Regrets? Highlights? Learn something from all this. I'm sure it would make her feel good that in death she is helping you learn about life. That's what life is all about anyway - to learn and to love.

Have your boys draw her pictures. Send her some every couple days with a little note from you. Call her if even it's just for a minute to ask how she's doing.

Don't do anything out of fear of regrets. Fear should never factor in the equation. Do everything out of love. The biggest gift you can give someone is to go out of your comfort zone and do something 100% for them. The harder it is for you to do, the greater the gift you are giving them.

Good luck to you and my prayers to your cousin.

Think about when she does pass. What will you regret most? She is still living. Make peace now.

I'd call her and ask her if she'd like a visit, I'd ask if she'd like it to be just you or should you bring the kiddo's. She'll tell you exactly what she wants, she only has weeks to live... Call her today. Do whatever you can to make her laugh and give her hope. If you have any good pictures of you guys when you were little that can lead to stories that would be nice to go over, bringem. Tell her you love her, tell her youre sorry you havent been there and that you just really must have been in denial ..... she will understand. She isnt taking life as seriously as we do, she knows she's going somewhere that none of us know about yet.... you can almost tell her you envy that... if its in you to say.

Just be there for her - physically and emotionally. Ask her what she'd appreciate most. It may very well be hearing those stories about your little ones (hope for the future and humor can be very important), since she may not like being treated with kid gloves or feeling detached. On the other hand, she may appreciate comfort measures. Toward the end, many cancer patients have very dry mouths and talking is difficult or painful. This may be a time when she appreciates someone just sitting with her or reading to her. I guess the key is to tell her that you love her, that you want to be there for her, that you don't know how to do that, and that you'll follow her lead. You can do this in person or in a letter if you fear that you'll be too emotional... our prayers are with you and your family during this tough time...

The best thing you can do is just show up without the kids. Most facilities won't allow children. Last year my grandfather went through hospice and my mom was a wreck. My mom was his caregiver and he ended up doing hospice at home. I found sitters/ relatives/ husband to watch my daughter while I spent as much time as I could helping out. I helped out by making meals, cleaning, and spending time with family. Your cousin will need you. Don't worry about what happened in the past. There will be family members that may give you some flack, but if you didn't ever show, you'll never hear the end of it. Go as often as you can, not just once. Your cousin will be tired from the cancer. Chemo wipes your system out and she may be depressed and the family closest to her will need support. So, just be there and ask what you can do to help. Don't bring the kids, bring pictures instead. If she is up for seeing the kids, then you bring them, but keep the visit really short. No more than half an hour and let your husband take them home.
Hope that helps a little.
Dr.A.

When my grandfather was dying of cancer, he asked me to make him a martini. I had no idea he would be gone so quickly. I wish I had made him that martini.... and his favorite dessert was apple dumplings.

Not knowing your cousin, it's hard to offer specifics, but do you remember her favorite flavor of Ben & Jerry's? Maybe she's not friendly with food these days. Perhaps mani/pedis? Join her in indulging in something. Celebrate the life she has left, and don't make it about you trying to make yourself feel better.

On the other hand, if you don't know her well enough, or if you were never that close, perhaps respectful distance is the best idea. Now is not the time to be forging new relationships.

I agree with the phone visits that Leslie D described. Those sound like they would be perfect.

Go visit in person if you are comfortable doing so. And ask her if she'd want the boys to visit too--be honest with her about their energy & noise levels. Before you go, prep the boys as much as you can about her being sick and how it's not a time for wild play, but that maybe they want to take one or two of their favorite toys or books to share with her during the visit.

You might also send her a care package (maybe some of her favorite candy and a favorite DVD or something; not sure if she'd be up for anything like crosswords or sodoku; maybe some People mags or other light reading). She may not be able to eat much, but it's the thought.

I also think writing her a letter, sharing some of your deeper thoughts/feelings might really be appreciated.

I would do all of these things asap, since as it progresses, she will get weaker and probably not have nearly as much energy or possibly concentration (either from the pain or the pain meds or both).

Also, contact your local hospice group and ask them for some suggestions & help. And they also often offer grief support for family (for you), in addition to the hospice support for the person nearing the end of life.

(((HUGS))) to you.

If you can find someone to watch your boys you should go visit her. At this stage she probably will not want to hear noise that kids make so a sitter would be best. This way if seeing her is too painful you won't have to stay long due having a sitter. Good luck with your decision.