Empowering Your Daughter

i dunno about girls but i'm guessing it's not too different from boys. include them in decision-making. give them reasonable autonomy (eg i'd give my boys a week's worth of schoolwork, they got to decide when and how to get it done.) instead of fixing problems when she brings them to you, ask her leading questions and let her get herself to possible solutions. have good boundaries in place, and within those boundaries trust her.
khairete
S.

It's just the 3 of us here at my house. Daughter is now 20. We've always been a team and involved her with decisions, etc.

I don't think we did anything magical. She was strong willed from birth and we embraced that because we didn't want to squash that trait although it can be difficult at times. I truly believe her martial arts training and achievement of her black belt helped guide her.

Even tho I would be subbing at her school, she was in charge of dealing with teachers, etc unless I needed to step in of course. I wanted her to speak up and stand up for herself.

A proud moment happened twice while she has been in college... Once as a freshman and once as a sophomore. A teacher in 2 different classes at 2 different times gave her a B ( I know... Shudder to think of that!!!). She is a 4.0 and works hard for it. She approached both teachers each year to discuss the grade that she felt was unfair. She obviously made a good argument because she walked out with an A in both classes.

So I am glad she was a little uncomfortable at times during regular school to go talk to a teacher. I told her during elementary school and up that if she just backed down then she wouldnt know what she might have achieved. I reminded her that she'd have a boss someday and not all bosses are great that it's critical for her to communicate respectively to teachers, bosses, adults, etc.

She starts her Junior year on Monday, yikes times flies.

Even when you are teaching independence, being self sufficient and personal responsibility... You are still right there to have her back at anytime and she knows that.

Good luck... The term years aren't the most fun with mood changes and you being the worst person in the world. They come out of it L. you mom!!!

We started 2015 as "The Year of Independence" .

My kids pack their own lunches. (They still aren't good about telling me when they are out of things like jelly, etc...so I keep an eye on things to be replaced. But if they do remember to tell me to put something on the grocery list they get a big high five!!)

They take their own laundry to the laundry room and sort it into the appropriate bin. I have the bins labeled. I have big plans of teaching how to use the washer next...maybe 2016.

At the moment they are folding laundry...towels and underwear...there is a basket of shirts waiting. Then they put it away in the correct places.

They only get one "bail out" this school year. I will bring a forgotten form, homework folder, lunch, etc to the school and drop it off only ONE time all year. Use it wisely. My daughter forgot her lunch and decided to eat a tray lunch and save her bail out (this was last year in second grade). She used it later for a field trip form.

I give advice on how to tackle a problem with a teacher or a friend but send them to deal with it first. So far this year after some really low grades my daughter decided it was the two talkative boys at her table group that were distracting her. She went to her teacher and the teacher moved her. Her grades have improved. The teacher later told me she was impressed that my daughter talked to her, herself. (We have been in school five weeks now, it is year round).

Homework is my kids responsibility. I will provide a quiet, well lit, place to do it, and supplies...they do it alone. I will answer a question or check it for them if they ask...if they don't...it is their work. Reading logs, same thing they have to read at least 15 minutes a day. They set their timers, they read then I will sign their form.

They are ten and eight...I always have their backs and they know it. At the same time they have to be responsible for things and figure out how to solve a problem now and then without me. When you step back and let them they surprise you...may not be the way you would have told them to do it, but their solution worked.

Good luck!! and Big hugs for working on such an important life skill(s).

When you say "empower" what do you mean? There's a difference in helping her feel like she can take on the world and simply allowing her to do normal age-appropriate things. What do you do for her now, as example, that she could do herself? Like I know someone who still ran the bath for her MS-er, but the child could certainly adjust the water herself by that age. When my 7 yr old asks for things like a drink or help with something, I might say, "Go ahead. You know where x is" and encourage her to give it a first go herself. If you are quick to jump into playground friendship disputes, what about listening more than you speak and asking HER what she thinks she could say or do next time?

You are right that there is no formula. However, I believe that being kind and L., listening and discussing and helping them out where necessary are the key ingredients of empowering your child of either sex. Well-nurtured individuals possess true strength, as opposed to a kind of exterior toughness and independence that people who have not been properly nurtured often display.

I think spending time with your ten year old who still wants M. is the formula for empowering her. That doesn't mean you swoop in and save her from everything that is difficult; it just means that you support her in her struggles.

My daughter (brag) is one of the most together, adventurous, empowered people I know, and while I think most of her personality is innate, when I remember the 3 year old whom I removed from daycare because she cried all day, the preteen who came home crying because her friends were rejecting her, etc., I know that my L. guidance allowed her to be her best self. In those moments I did not force her independence. I helped her out.

Imo, one of the best things for empowering your daughter is to push her to get jobs as soon as she can. I didn't give my kids allowance, so they were all compelled to get jobs. My daughter began doing odd jobs for neighbors at about 11, and by the time she graduated from high school had a long resume of impressive jobs. She paid for most of her own stuff and activities, and still does, in her last year of college.

So I don't think 10 is too old to help out, but maybe you need to give specific examples. Don't help her out with her homework, though, with the exception of a little guidance when she needs it, that should be her job.

p.s. Suz mentions trust -- I give all kids a lot of trust to make good decisions. They usually live up to it.

Around that age I had mine take on being responsible for making sure their stuff got done. Homework. Piano practice. Preparing for music exams. Having band instrument. If they screw up and forget or don't have hockey gear ready - they miss out. They get to deal with the coach/teacher/etc.

Chores but as well added responsibility - one is in charge of laundry overall. I switch it up the next year - so they take on kitchen duty (making salads, doing lunches, etc.). When we go camping - each kid has a checklist - one will do the cooking gear (all of it), one the sleeping stuff, etc.

Handling any issues that come up - friends, siblings, problems at school, I don't intervene. I am here for advice only if asked. They come up with a solution and I offer support. I don't solve their problems.

The big one is have them handle their own uncomfortable or awkward situations. When they feel pressured or don't want to seem rude but have to say no. I am terrible at that so it's something I wanted my kids to know how to do and feel ok doing it. Standing up for themselves, that kind of thing.

Freedoms too - being able to bike to park with friends, going to overnight camp, etc. and having more input in decisions that affect them, and also the family.

Good luck :)

I think that a lot of 'empowering' our kids is really less about giving chores and more about not second-guessing them and their decisions.

You can lead a horse to water-- well you know the rest. In that same way, you can offer situations where your child has the choice to follow through... or not. For example, our son has really slacked off this summer on being willing to help, so now his allowance is entirely contingent upon the jobs he does. He is offered the job, told how much we'll pay for it, and then it's up to him to do it, or not.

What I'm saying is that empowerment has to be 'received' willingly by the child as well. We know what our kids are capable of doing, so we can give opportunities for growth (like, say, staying home alone while a parent makes a quick walk to the store or around the block) and also know that they are going to make mistakes sometimes, and sometimes do great.And we respond to the actions they show us instead of letting our (unfounded) fears guide us.

I think it also extends to sort of staying out of their social life: listening, offering questions instead of telling our kids what to do or say.... "how do you think you could talk to Mrs Smith about that?" (or even if she wants to talk to Mrs Smith about it at all) and not getting overly-involved in peer squabbles.

For what it's worth, when I was a young person, learning to clean house didn't help me any with independence-- having good habits of being prompt, showing up on time, budgeting and managing my money, being able to talk to my employer or teachers-- those are things which encourage independence and those are the experiences which build confidence. These things can also be experienced by something as simple as running a lemonade stand at this age, so try to have a sense of proportion about this. Learning how to do chores can be helpful for us, true, and yet that, to me, is more about the inter-dependence of family. Real independence is learning to try, to fail, to try again, to soar or fall on our faces- all with the parents still there to encourage, give guidance when asked for it, and to help them pick themselves up/dust themselves off when necessary and to cheer when they go well.

My oldest daughter is 9 and very confident and independent. Like you I'm trying to keep up with her increasing capabilities and give her more responsibility rather than automatically helping so much or dictating too much like I did when she was younger.

I still keep a firm hand with her by not backing down on certain things because I want her to emulate strong boundaries herself: This has worked WELL so far. I never allowed disrespect, and I was totally in charge of her when she was younger, and year by year I grant more freedom as she grows. Now she is very assertive with others when necessary and rarely has hurt feelings. She's great at standing up for herself etc. But she's getting more emotional and she's been begging for a phone for a long time. The other day she broke down crying saying she's so stressed out by her siblings and she wishes she just had a phone (lol) to make her feel better so she could lock herself away in her room and keep occupied like her friend who has more nice stuff blah blah....

I listened to her. I let her get it all out. I empathized with certain points and agreed to crack down on the siblings more. I left it at that but wrote her a nice follow-up letter (she loves letters, we give notes to each other a lot) and I held my ground on the phone-and told her why rather than "because I said so" like when she was younger. I also thought of some more special stuff she could start doing that she likes, and some other treat I could do for her. I told her she needs to start practicing violin WITHOUT BEING ASKED every day as part of her responsibilities, and she's starting to earn allowance and do more chores...

We have a very close relationship and I couldn't be happier with her development as a respectful, compassionate person.

So I don't know. More freedom, more reasoning, more mature privileges, more responsibility, lots of heart-felt compliments on her strong points and moral support..and still firm boundaries..

Also, I think the fact that I model respect for other people-never gossiping and saying mean things if kids are in ear shot-and treating people well, helping others, spending time with admirable people, and demanding (nicely and respectfully) that people are good to me- from my ex, her dad, to people in the community, whatever, sets a good framework for what she should expect for herself as well from others and how to be goof friend to others. Thats empowering. My parents weren't very social and didn't have much advice on being a strong liberated woman, I learned that all on my own, so now I model it for my kids.

I'll look forward to other answers for sure.

We are working on this in our house. I am making new household chore charts, and I am going to have the kids pick which ones they want to do. Then we will rotate every 3 months. I am hoping to teach them everything they need to know to clean a house by age 12. I also hope to have them cooking 1-2 nights a week by then.

My oldest really likes to wipe down our kitchen chairs. It's empowering. I also have been letting her make her own lunch and help make her brother's and sister's lunches. Again, totally empowering. She loves it. At 10, your daughter should be doing most of her own things. Laundry, for instance, cleaning her room, helping to clean the house, bathrooms, etc.

The other thing you can do is what Suz said. Ask open ended questions and let her figure out how to solve problems.

One of the things that I've seen and wish I had known about when my son was younger is a lost-and-found bucket. Instead of being a human tracking device who always has to find the missing lunch box, shoe, favorite shirt, and TV remote, have a large bin into which you toss everything that doesn't belong where you find it (primarily the floor, in most houses). Then put an envelope on the outside of the bin with either cardboard strips or large tongue depressors (from the craft store) on the outside, each with a job written on it. There's a little poem you can google that has to do with "choosing some chores and the item is yours" or something along those lines.

It accomplishes several things: the child knows where to look for stuff instead of nagging mom, the jobs get done instead of the parent nagging the child, it teaches the child how many things there are to do around the house, it teaches personal responsibility and accountability, it even reinforces reading skills. It takes Mom out of the mix and makes the child responsible for the item and some of the family jobs but still gives some choice in the type of job the child wants to do. One job per item. It makes the chores more of a choice the child made by her own actions/decisions. It also gives a sense of accomplishment that she's perfectly capable of finding her stuff, putting it away, wiping down the bathroom counter, emptying the dishwasher, etc. It also teaches them that missing a practice because they have no shin guards or taking lunch in a plain brown bag because the lunch box is lost or full of spoiled food is not the end of the world. Those are empowering skills.

Another thing that was important to us was to put our son in charge of more of his money. We had rules about allowance and even gift money. We had a bank system (there are many) that included spending money, short term savings (at home - for that Lego set or a new skateboard), long term savings (in the downtown bank - for college or a car), and charity (he could chose the charity, but not whether or not to give something away). It taught him that not every nickel comes from whining to Mom and Dad, that some things were worth saving up for if you really wanted, that some money was not available to him now or next week, and that no matter how deprived/poor he thought he was, there was always someone else who had less and he had an obligation to help.

Finally, by age 10, kids should be talking to their teachers on their own, with Mom and Dad intervening every time. It's okay for a kid to take a half-completed homework assignment in to class and saying, "You know, I need help with this, Ms. Teacher. I spent time on it but I just don't get it. May I come for extra help one day after school?" No horrible thing will happen if their homework isn't done once in a while, it takes the Homework Wars out of the M./Daddy to-do list, but it still prevents the child from wanting to go to the teacher every single day saying "I don't understand" if they are just lazy and postponing the work. I'm not saying you never tell them to do their homework, but letting them go in with it incomplete (even if they just blew it off rather than not understanding it) is a powerful motivator for the future. Every teacher can tell if a kid sincerely didn't understand the assignment vs. if she's just making excuses day after day. Then the child can deal with the consequences and it's not Mom's fault for not sitting down and doing every math problem with her.

And of course, successfully navigating these tasks and being successful is empowering. Then the parent can say "I'm proud of how you handled that" rather than "I'll do it" or "I do everything and you appreciate nothing" or "I'll talk to the teacher to find out how to do the math." It also teaches kids that it's okay to fail at something once in a while if they learn from it and improve.

I probably babied my kid much more than my parents did with their kids, but my dd let me know when to back off. It usually happens on its own because they see their friends doing things. She actually asked me to teach her how to do her own laundry! I definitely am requiring more of her now that she's 12.

It's a little difficult to answer the question, since you haven't told us anything in specific. What sort of things are you thinking that she's five and needs M. to help her with? What "big girl" things are you not seeing her as ready for?
Where I live, 10 year olds start middle school. Your daughter will be a teenager in a few short years, and you'd be surprised how quickly you'll be sending her off to college.
Again, I'd love to give you some more specific help, but I have no idea what you are talking about.

Age appropriate chores helps a lot with this.
They learn to help you with things that need doing.
Not only does it take a little of the load off you but it teaches them that you aren't the maid and they are helping you do things all grownups do.
Take out the trash, make their bed, help prepare meals, weed garden, vacuum, load/unload dishwasher, fold laundry - she might be able to start doing her own laundry, etc.

I have 2 teen girls (16 and 19), it's tough. I still wonder when to be the mom and when to back off. One thing I did though and I am so very grateful someone gave me the advice is I counted to 5 before I said or did anything. Example, one came home with tough homework, she was frustrated. I stayed near without saying anything, She asked for help. I took a breath, counted to 5, thought about my response and asked a very empowering question, "what specifically do you need help with?" I didn't just jump in and assume I knew what she meant. It made her think and formulate what her challenge really was.

Another time - boy trouble - the older one came home crying. I wanted to rush and hold her, instead, I counted to 5 and asked "what do you need from M. right now?" She thought about it and asked for a hug.

I still do it, I ask a question that gets them to think. If you have some specific events I can help you formulate some questions around them. :)

She started walking herself to and from school and folding and putting away her own laundry. She also was assigned one night per week of dishes and had/has to clean her own bathroom. I also made/make her responsible for RSVPing to her own events and allowing her/making her go into the store and make small purchases on her own.

It's hard to let go!