Emotional Support Needed

Good for you!!. I think it is hard for a guy to accept there might be "something wrong with" their child. No matter what the issue is. My son has a bleeding disorder. I knew I was a carrier so he was tested at birth. For the first year plus more time, my son never had to have medicine administered. We would have had to go to the ER. The first time he did have meds, it was because he fell in the bathroom. Just for precaution though they did not see any bleed. My husband swore the doctors misdiagnosed him and they only said he had it to use him like a guinea pig kind of. For one of my girls who is extremely argumentative, I took her to counseling due to some problems. He said we just needed to give her more attn. Just push on with what you feel. I think there is a good reason for "mother's instinct" as a phrase.

As a mother to a special needs daughter and as a woman who attends therapy for my own mental health, I'm in a unique position to post on this. It's a crushing blow to find out that there's even a possibility that your child is not typical and may have a disorder that could affect their life in a very negative and difficult way. Even though in the end, having a diagnosis is a good thing that can set you all on a path that will allow the family to heal and learn coping skills for what's been happening and what will come, it's very difficult to wrap your head around knowing, just knowing that your child has a neurological disorder. You can get therapies and services, but it won't fix the problem. And it's devastating, so it's easier to ignore it and pretend everything is perfect.

Then to add crappy icing to the crappy cake, he's being told that maybe he should be evaluated for the same disorder and marriage counseling would be a good idea. So he's not hearing, "Let's get help, babe. We can get help and make things right." He's hearing, "My son is broken, I'm broken, my marriage is broken, and I caused it. If I have bipolar/autism/whatever and she doesn't, but my son does, that means I caused it. Therefore neither of us has it."

So. Let your husband work out whatever he needs to work out in his head right now. Be supportive and let him know that when he's ready to talk, you're there. You do what you need to do for your little boy and yourself in regard to evaluations. Bipolar is very difficult to diagnose in young children and most doctors will be hesitant to do so because the medications are so serious, so don't be surprised if you don't get a diagnosis for that until he's older. Or he might get a diagnosis for something else.

Or your son might be fine neurologically and reacting (behavior wise) to the tension in the house and what's going on in your marriage.

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

He's "not talking to you" because you want to get any & all help for your child? That's ridiculous. Is he 6? I think there's something wrong with a parent who wouldn't jump at the chance of some real help for his/her child.

You're doing the right thing. Stay strong. If we don;t look out for our kids, who will?

I completely understand- My husband has been diagnosed with bipolar but refuses to believe it he thinks he was just under a lot of stress at the time- long story-
I wanted my boys both tested for ADD/ADHD seriously they are like poster children he wouldn't have any of it.
They will be labeled for life they will never be thought as "normal" the whole gambit or reasons why not.
I had them tested both diagnosed oldest boy- ADD- a little help in school and his GPA went from a 1.4 to a 3.5.
Second child ADHD- a behavioral therapist and he is no longer just "hell on wheels" his reading improved both their attitude improved.
So I guess what I am saying is I thought it would surely lead to divorce but it has lead to -"maybe you were on to something"
and the boys are much much better off.

I wanted to get my older son tested for ADD/ADHD. My mother was furious. She said that once you get them labeled with something like that it will stay with them forever. She was judging me and had no idea what ADHD even is. She was thinking that I was getting him tested for special education. She had no problem putting me in an actual special education class after my car accident. My thoughts are that until you know what you are dealing with you don't know how to deal with it. I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. If it improves anyone's life it is worth it!! You are doing the right thing!!

My X husband suffered from so many mental issues. He would never go and get help with any of it. He just chose to make life miserable for all of us. I went to a counselor and he suggested that I tell my husband to get help or get out. I came home and told him. He gave me lots of attitude! I decided (like always) if I was going to get something done then I was going to have to do it myself. He left for work and I had the locks changed. He was out for good. My point is that he could have found out what he was dealing with and we could have dealt with it together.

take him on your own-and good luck-I go through the same thing with my H-he gives no validity to mental health professionals-it is far and away easier now to get your son help then to wait until he is 16, in trouble, failing in school, 6'2" tall and weighs 170!

Look up "borderline personality disorder" for your husband. If he stopped talking to you as a result of an honest discussion between parents who want the best for their son he may have BPD. (He may not, I'm not a doctor.) But this is what I know - my teenage daughter seems to have always been a needy child, bright, pretty, pleasant - but always had a tough time keeping friends and functioning well in social groups. At 11 she began having issues that impacted her at school, at churcc, etc. 3 years later we're finally getting a diagnosis - after much pain, deep pain on her part and heartbreak and difficultly on our part. I worry about the effect of her problems on my son too.

Definitely go to counseling. If your son is having issues that make you even consider taking him for an evaluation then you need to do it. Having been to a number of counselors and psychiatrists over the last year what I found it the one who asks the parents the most questions, ask for pages of questionnaries to be completed, etc. were the ones who finally got answers for us. There are plenty of docs and counselors who just want to get the kid in & out in 45 or 60 minutes and don't seem to care too much about the parent's input. Some have pre-conceived ideas about what ails most children and they use a cookie cutter approach. It's not easy but it's worth finding the right counselor. ASk your pastor or friends or school pyschologist for help. Good luck mama - you're doing the right thing.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when i was 23 (there is a long history of it on my dad's side of the family) & to be honest with you I have spoken w/our pediatrician about my older daughter's behavior (she's 13) from early on. It is a hard thing to diagnose in some cases because you have to look at the personality, the environment & the illness - true, i believe that if we look for it... we will find it, but I think that the person who knows best is the parent & most of the time the mother. And I think it is great that you want to do what you need to do for your child. Your husband can do what he needs to do for himself, your son can't - he needs your help, which is wonderful that you are accepting of this. There are so many parents that just shrug it off as a stage or a phase. Best of luck to you and your son.

L.,
You have my support! I say this over and over again no one will care for your children the way you will not even your husband. No one but another mother can understand the bond that you have with your children. Carrying a child in your body for nine months connects you for life. It is only natural to want to to protect, nurture and care for your child. Men are from Mars repeat that to yourself and it will help you understand that your husband is sooo different from you. Men think differently about these things they have this natural desire to be the fixer and don't want to admit that there may be a problem that they can't fix. Some men are more attuned to their emotional side but men are very different. I think your doing the right thing. Think of it this way the best case scenario is your son is fine and you over-reacted. No one will blame you for ensuring your son's emotional safety. Worst case scenario there is an issue he receives some assistance with it and he is better off for it. You do what you need to do for your child and never let anyone get in the way of that.

Good for you L., I hope everything goes well and your husband stop being afraid, I think is afraid what your husband may have, not only afraid that your son could be bipolar but that founding this also point that your husband may be too, it can be scary if you don't have all the information, but I think you are doing the right thing and go forward, once you know the result it would be more easy to give the second step to a easier, more happy life for all of you.