Emotional 4.5 Year Old... Ugh!

Stop trying to solve her problems for her. If you've given her the tools, then she needs to use them. Step in if she is escalating (screaming, throwing, hitting), but give her a chance to problem solve on her own.

Don't be afraid to let her be unhappy and let her fail. All children need to feel loss at some time. If it's as simple as not getting her way, then you have it made. Remember that you're supposed to guide her along her path. If there are no other reasons for her emotional behavior, then let her work it out on her own. And don't cater to her when she's overly emotional.

It may not feel the best, but I think you are doing the right thing by telling her to go to her room. However, I would start with it. Don't let it be because you are frustrated... I fear she would then get the idea that you are just sending her to her room because you just don't care. When she comes to you, explain to her "You are a big girl and you need to talk to me like a big girl. When you can come to me and talk about it without crying, I would be happy to talk about it with you." Refuse to discuss it until then.
Also... teach her when it's not happening, that just because we use our words, doesn't always mean someone will listen to those words and do what we ask. Show her in your every day life when you ask someone to do, or not to do, something and they don't. And then show her how you respond to it. It sounds like she just picked up a little confusion when being taught to use her words and has the idea that if she does use them... then it's going to come out in her favor every time.

"Go to your room if you want to cry about it" is a perfectly reasonable solution. Your daughter needs to learn that some complaints aren't legitimate, and she doesn't get her way all the time. You're not punishing her. You're not even sending her to her room. You're giving her the option of returning to play or of complaining, and she gets to choose. As long as you don't say it out of anger, it shouldn't leave any emotional scarring. Soon enough, she'll discover that being left out because she's complaining is no fun.

Also, next time you might try giving her some suggestions about how she can modify the situation instead of asking her how she would solve it. i.e. "Well, maybe if you do y with them, they'll want to do x with you." It doesn't teach her to come up with her own solutions, but it would show her that certain solutions work. MAybe she'll start implemening them on her own.

Good luck.

My daughter was like this during her fours and fives.

Finally one Easter morn, I told her it is not my fault that you are mad, if you must scream, go outside and scream at the trees. I have a picture of her screaming at the trees!

After that things calmed a bit, and whenever she escalated her temper tantrum level even close to the scream level, I would say, it is not my fault, go yell at the ..... It helped.

And then she started kindergarten. Oh my, oh my. That really helped. She used up a lot of her energy in school and was much better behaved at home.

I also recommend sports activities..swimming, soccer, etc. Wear her out--if she is tired she won't have enough energy to scream.

Good luck.

L., Sorry to say it's kind of normal. I don't think it happens for every child, but I've seen it in a few nieces and a friend's son. (Thankfully my girls haven't pushed it quite as far!) And it's always been around the 4 year-mark. I think what you said at the end is the right thing, and you don't need to feel bad about it.

After you've spoken with her about the problem that's upset her, and she chooses to continue feeling "put out" about it, then you must remove her to a private place to finish her episode. If you're out and about, then take her to a different room/out to the car/private place under a tree at the park, etc. She will learn that the world goes on whether she is throwing a fit or not. But she is not allowed to ruin another person's day (including yours!) with her crying. Don't let anyone give her an audience. Tell her that when she's done crying she's welcome to join in the activity again.

Don't worry - it doesn't last forever, especially with your good choices in teaching her how to handle things. Kids do need to learn that life isn't always fun and fair, and it's mom & dad's job to teach them how to handle that. Blessings on your lessons!!

Hi L.,

First of all, you have my heartfelt empathy. I once cared for a little girl who went through exactly what you are describing, and it was so hard for everyone.

Let me say, first off, that this heightened state of emotion at this age is very typical. There is a series of books called "Your ___ Year Old". I can't remember the author, but they've been very helpful to parents in understanding each year and the phases we adults might see manifest.

I learned (with the child I cared for) that I had to very directly attentive at playdates, present at all times. I tried to keep the conversation around what was going on as factual as possible (because she's already emotionally engaged), but the crux of it seems to be about having control of her surroundings. Playmates didn't care for the bossy directions, but if you notice what's at heart is also the desire to win or dominate the situation. This in and of itself isn't necessarily bad, and it gave us a lot to consider.

At some point, many kids feel it is important to be the boss, be bigger, be the winner--at all costs. My suggestion would be to set up parallel play activities as much as possible during playdates. Beading necklaces, coloring/painting, playdough or cooperative games. I'd avoid anything overtly competitive, and steer clear of activities/dress-up anything which gives her a chance to get mad because her directions aren't being followed. (These were trouble spots for us.)

Interestingly, children are very self-correcting in groups and there's the idea of the "social contract", in which every child has to take turns being in charge of the play and getting along with the group. It's not so much that the directions are always outrageous, but also that she has to be willing to comply with the other child's direction. If there's no back-and-forth sharing of directing the play, then problems can arise and the group may try to bring the nonconforming child into line, often with very emotional results. Adults do this with each other too, only hopefully more gently than children who haven't developed a sense of tact.

And yes, sadly, sometimes their 'great big noisy fuss' (to quote Beverly Cleary) has to be taken to their rooms. More than once I've had to remind children that "This is a time for talking, not a time for tears" and invite them to come back when they were ready to listen/problem solve. We don't need to banish them, but when the screaming and tantrums ensue, at this age it's okay for them to have some context around taking a few minutes to work through their feelings and cool off. Some playdates ended with me playing with the other child alone while she screamed and vented in her room. Not pleasant, but it also helps to pull the larger group out of the vortex of emotion that happens and move things along.

Once again, so sorry. It's hard. Also, one more thing: if you haven't introduced your daughter to Ramona Quimby (Beverly Cleary's lively and spirited titular character), this is a great time to do so. The first book in the series showcases Ramona experiencing many of the same feelings, and might be a non-confrontational opportunity for her to reflect. I wouldn't try to teach from it, just read, and see what comes up. And hang tight-- I've never seen a phase last 'forever'--although when it happens for the umpteenth time, it sure feels like it!

If it is any constellation to you, my 3 yr old is just about the same way. A stern hand and a consistant plan seems to help but it is never 100%. I think that you have to constantly explain to them, this is not appropriate behavior.... you know the old saying: repetition, repetition, repetition......is how they will learn and being consistant with your rules or your disapline will help. I know that is hard.... it is for me to but all I can tell you is that you just have to set your mind to it and just do it.
I am so sorry for you. I think it is part of being a kid and part of genes and part of personality. They will grow out of it as long as they are reared in the right direction.
Take care and good luck

My daughter is now 4.5 and she started the over-emotional issues at 3.5. The crying over everything does settle down a bit, but then other things come up. We now have a very mouthy little girl. I taught middle school and I swear she is acting the same as many a middle school child.

I started thinking about it and there was one more age group that has similar stubborn behaviors and I thought of my Grandfather when he was starting to have difficulties. It is all about gaining or keeping independence. Very similar/parallel behaviors, just different levels of wiping...

We are still working with our daughter and her attitudes in thinking that everyone has to do it her way, but she isn't crying as much, but is just as bossy and now talks back. She is also deliberately mean to her little brother quite often. She likes to taunt him and make him mad.

I'm sure this too shall pass, but please be soon. Just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone, but you are doing just what we did and sending her to her room to cry it out, or when she can be nice, she can come back.

It definitely takes will power on our part and consistancy.
Good luck to you and yours,
D.

I don't know if I have any solutions, but I can empathize with you because my daughter is the same age and also tends to be very emotional. The only thing that has helped her to stop and think is when I put her in someone else's shoes and asked if she would want someone to tell her what to do.

We have always taught (and she has older twin brothers that are 7, so she gets plenty of practice) that everyone can choose what is right for them. Conversely, my daughter has a hard time speaking up to girlfriends when they are bossing or bullying her. And, later, she confides that she is feeling very hurt because her friends were speaking to her in an unkind tone. We have always tried to teach kindness as well, but we are realizing there is a wide range in what people beleive as kindness.

For us, it's been important to emphasize that life will bring situations that we can't control, but out of that frustration we must learn to manage our feelings and remember that evveryone is free to choose what is right for them. That control thing is a biggie...as a parent I've had to look at the areas in my own life that feel "out of control" to understand it a bit more. This reflection has
created greater compassion and understanding (for my children and myself!)when those frustrated feelings arise.

So, if you are looking for a suggestion...gently look at yourself and what arises in you might be a good place to start. It won't change where your daughter is at, but it can help you remember that she is right where she needs to be, and so are you...you are a great mama!!

Hi L.

Been there and mine cried until age six. So I said look into my eyes while I talk to you. "You not looking." I made eye contact before I spoke. I kept it simple. No long explanations.
If she fell on the floor sobbing I went to the next item on my list and returned to speaking to her later.
I threw out toys she refused to clean up for more than a day. I gave her another chance to pick them up the next day and then burned them in the wood stove so she would see there was no chance to get them back another day.
I never hit her or threatened any kind of personal violence. But, once she knew I was not to be swayed by tears and hysteria things did get better.
She was so different than her older sister that it took me far to long to catch on to what it took to impress her and get the kind of behavior that allowed our family to go function.

This is sort of a random response, but I was having some similar issues with my highly emotional / sensitive 4.5 year old. Everything sets him off as well, and after trying everything as well, I ended up having him cry it out in his room also. After trying everything, we finally decided to give a "therapy pet" a try, and adopted a kitty. This might sound weird, but ever since we have had the cat, he is 10 times better! When he gets angry and would normally throw a HUGE tantrum, he now runs to the kitty and hugs her. Before, ANY time he would wake up from sleeping, he would be in a terrible mood, super negative, throwing tantrums, etc. Now, I either put the cat on his bed when it's time to wake up, and he opens his eyes smiling. If he wakes up on his own, he walks out smiling and looking for the kitty. I should mention that it has been about 6 months since we got the kitty, but it is such an extreme change, that you might want to consider trying out a therapy per if you don't already have one - Good Luck!

I feel your pain!!! My son was and is the same way. I tried all the "tricks" myself and what I found is doing nothing is best. All I really do is listen, let him get it out if he needs to vent about a experience at school or something for a while and then I say, "Things aren't always going to be the way you want or like them so you need to find a way to be happy and have fun anyway." Then I have him take a quiet time, laying or sitting by himself and tell him to think about what he could do by himself to have fun when. When he thinks of it he can get up and tell me. By that time he's calmed down and whatever his idea is I approve and we continue on with that day.
There are times that I don't have the patience to hear him go on and on so... I have him take a quiet time first. I just tell him, "I see your upset. Take some time in your room to calm down and well talk when you've taken some time and deep breaths."
And there are other times when we are in a hurry and I don't have time to go through the whole process. Then I have him clam down in the car and he may still be upset, the issue unresolved.
You sound like a great caring mom so just give her the skills to deal with the emotions and the time, if you have it, for her to calm down.
And don't feel guilty if you can't solve the problem for her. Eventually she'll solve it for herself : )

L.,

Oh My! This could be my 6 year old son. The boy on the bus wouldn't let Bo play with his toy so Bo gets off the bus in tears. His sister won't play with the toys the way he wants her to and he bursts into tears. He doesn't get his way and enter the tantrum. He's not first in line at school and waterworks. The list is endless.

I think due to the many ear infections that he had as a younger child that we never caught he's about 2 years behind his peers socially. It's rough, and here's to hoping both our kids grow out of it sooner rather than later.

Right there with you,
Melissa

I would highly recommend Aletha Solter's books, articles, and website (www.awareparenting.com has articles you can read for free). She also does consultations. Her books: Helping Young Children Flourish; Tears and Tantrums. Another very good book is Parenting From the Inside Out, which can help you with your own reactions. The Highly Sensitive Child is good, also The Happiest Toddler on the Block (although that one is probably too young for your daughter).