Eleven Year Old in 6Th Grade

Have him evaluated by the school district. A very good friend of mine had the same problem with her son and they found out her had a learning disability kind of like dyslexia. He is very smart, very very smart as a matter of fact and with the correct therapies within a year he was back on track.

Maybe he just needs the right tools to help him be successful.

Good luck,
DH

have you talked to his Ped? I hate that everyone always jumps to diagnose, but have you considered maybe his forgetting is really something he cannot control? I would ask about ADD or ADHD.

Hey, desperate mom, you could have an equally desperate son. Some kids have terrible memories for things they don't find relevant. I know. I was one of them, and the endless frustration and injustice still have real intensity for me half a century later. I was a "good" kid, yet I got stringently punished for my failures, and you bet I lied if I thought I was about to get assigned yet another dirty job or deprived of yet another privilege or dessert (we didn't have goodies like video games back in the stone age).

What would have helped? I think if I believed my mom actually cared about my experience and really wanted to help me find solutions, something might have shifted. As it was, I had a few teachers over the years who showed me that concern. My 6th-grade teacher called me in for a special conference, told me what he liked and appreciated about me as a student, told me what potential he recognized in some of the work I did turn in, and gave me a few ideas about how to keep track of my work.

I had similar experiences with my H.S. algebra teacher and senior English teacher. I worked my butt off for the teachers who cared about my needs, anxieties, and success. I used the same approach years later when I was tutoring at-risk kids in H.S., with pretty amazing success.

I'm not sure what the precise combination of ingredients would work for your child, because there's not really much information in your request. But it sounds like you're focused on correcting through punishment, and not so much encouragement and reward. If that's the case, I hope you'll google a couple of things and see if any of it fits: "motivation in children" and similar key phrases, and "emotion coaching." There's also a really valuable book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, that will teach you how to get your son involved in actually helping to solve his own problems.

Also, your son may have a neurological deficit such as ADD, which would really complicate his academic life. Have you ever had him evaluated?

He is probably lying... to cover up for the fact that he does not know how to do the work... or that he does not understand it. AND he is lying to cover it up and because he is embarrassed about it.
The male ego...

At this grade level... actually from 4th Grade... the school work really ramps up and gets TONS more complex. If a child does not, in 4th grade, have the basics under their belt and does not understand it well... they will flounder....

He needs to be evaluated for any learning disabilities, or
vision problems,
or, getting him a Tutor or study help.

He cannot do this... alone.
There comes a time... where a child, no matter what age or grade... MAY need, supplemental help for academics. AND to see, if he may have vision problems or learning problems like Dyslexia etc.

You cannot just let him be.... talk with him, a heart to heart talk... TELL him, he does NOT have to lie to you... that you want to help him. And that you and he are a "TEAM" about it... ask him for what he thinks his pitfalls are and what areas of academics he is having a hard time with etc.
Then, get him the help he needs.

As far as his lying for other non-academic things: Tell him point blank... you KNOW he is lying... and end of story. If he continues... he will be grounded. Period. Or talk to your Pediatrician... about it... if it is chronic as you say... maybe he needs further evaluation.

all the best,
Susan

I, likewise, have been in this situation. I agree with a lot of what S.H. and Peg M. have to say. Let me add that I stopped ASKING when I already knew the answer. I also started saying "show me your homework" instead of asking "do you have any homework". I read in a parenting book (for which I cannot recall the title) that said it is very important to say something positive when your child brings some homework to you (whether they volunteer to do so or you ask for it). "Something positive" could be "I see you have made a start on completing this [homework]" or "Thank you for bringing this to me" or "Wow! you have answered everything". This is all before asking "do you have any questions?" and "are there any instructions you don't understand?" and similar probing questions.

I have noticed that the 5th Grade and 6th Grade years are quite a growing up period in the life of my boys. I would not be surprised that he acts as you would expect a teenager would act!

Best of luck!!!

I liked what Susan and others posted and wanted to add one thing: when you know he's done something wrong Before You Ask, don't give him a chance to lie about it. Instead, just confront him with the truth ("I saw you doing such-and-such..."). If you are straightforward with him when you know the truth of the matter, he doesn't have a chance to dig himself deeper into his hole, and that's a good thing. Avoid anything that appears to be a 'test' of his honesty; my parents used to do this 'trick', asking a question they already knew the answer to instead of just confronting me, in order to 'catch me' in a lie. I was already struggling with myself and it compromised my respect for them. Just so you know, I'm not meaning to imply that YOU are doing this, but just that being very straight with kids is preferable to 'waiting' for them to tell the truth.

And like Susan said, his ego may have taken a beating. "Seeming okay" with things may be a very negative face-saving technique of bravado, but the usually, the more bravado, the more the person his hurting/feeling insecure. A counselor would be a great resource. Hugs to you...

Is there a chance he might have any learning difficulties? I am a retired HS teacher with 38 years of experience, and I often found that the boys who misbehaved the most were having academic difficulties that they did not want to admit to. Try talking to his school couselor about his standardized test results over the years. If there are any red flags there, (s)he can suggest testing or other activities.
If that doesn't reveal anything, I'd take him to the pediatrician for a physical evaluation to make sure there is nothing physically wrong. Then ask the doctor for a referral to a child psychologist who can evaluate him and suggest a course of action.

Have you had him checked for a learning disability. He could be struggling in school and embarrassed about it, which is causing him to lie and act out. I say this because he sounds a lot like my nephew. My nephew doesn't have dyslexia, but he does have a reading and comprehension problem. Once it was diagnosed and he was given the right tools, he made a vast improvement in his school work and his behavior as well. He may just be a boy being a boy, but he may have some other issues. I think it's a good idea to see a therapist and maybe a learning and development specialist.

Yeah I think some kind of evaluation is in order here. I know that when I was in middle school they gave us all tests to see if we could jump up to a more advanced math pilot program. I just guessed on most of the answers, but I guessed correctly and got a high score. I was not ready for the higher level math and when I asked questions the teacher belittled me terribly. I stopped asking questions, made up a story that I couldn't see the board etc. I was embarrassed and did poorly in math all through high school, barely passed to graduate and had a low GPA all due to math and very low confidence about my school work, I thought I was stupid. So, I know if anyone had caught that and helped me, things would have been different for me. I don't know what is going on but I think something like dyslexia etc could be the hidden factor and I agree he may be lying as a coping mechanism. I think starting with the counselor could help, until the root problem is uncovered, I don't think things will improve that much. Good luck, I wish you the best in getting to the bottom of this!!

First...I know plenty of boys who don't forget everything. Second...lying about everything IS a behavior problem. It's not acting out in class, being violent...but, it is a behavior problem. Before he gets older, see a psychiatrist. There is a reason behind his lying and "forgetfulness." (I doubt he is forgetting, this sounds very purposeful to me.) The psychiatrist and help your son through this and possibly get to the bottom of it. As others said, he might have learning disabilities also.

This is not normal! I am a mom of 3 boys. They are all different. My oldest is the "forgetful" one. BUT, he should be getting some assistance from the teacher. You may need to have a conference with her and lay out your concerns. He may also have a learning disability that is as yet undiagnosed. School is relatively easy until 4th grade, so I am not surprised that this is when your son's issues started.

Get him some outside help. What help that is, you will have to do some research and get him evaluated.

I would talk to your pediatrician about a referral to whatever specialist he/she feels would be appropriate. Sounds like your son may have some kind of learning disability that needs to be diagnosed and addressed and maybe his lying is just a way to cover up the truth when he really doesn't know himself what the problem is.

you should talk to his doctor this sounds sooo much like me when i was younger later on they found out i had add (way too late 6th grade) by then i hated school and dreaded going everyday and ended up just dropping out. anyway you should talk to his doctor about getting some formal testing done

HAve you talked to the teachers? Most teachers know when your kid has a learning disability but they are not going to mention it. Have him tested by the school system. Demand it. They are not going to do it for you because that means they will have to pay for it. So you have to be an advocate for your son. Meet with the teachers and the school counselor and seek a therapist. He is obviously having troubles and you need to get to the bottom of it.

Yes, please take him to a therapist. He maybe having trouble with remembering things (whether it's real or he's faking) and also lying, they could be related, and it's greatly effecting him. My brother was like this and actually had a disorder called oppositional defiant disorder. I agree with other moms, he could have a learning disability and having a hard time and the lying is to cover that and it just spreads into other areas of his life. Have you spoken to his teacher or guidance counselor at school about this?

Also, I would help him boost his memory. Stay on him about studying, homework, get him a dry erase board he can tale notes on and hang in his room, get him a day planner.

Give him more positive reinforcements and encouragement as well. Focus on his positives and give him more chances to excel in things he is good at. Sometimes, once kids have so many things taken away for their failures, they get use to that and stop trying all together as they feel defeated and like giving up.

Your son sounds VERY similar to my son. I went through pretty much the same thing from 3rd to 6th grade. Things started to get better in 7th and this year (8th grade) he got his first A and B report card since the 2nd grade. I thought the he would never grow out of it....but he did. Stay on him ....keep things constructive...and keep reminding him of those things he forgets. Come up with different ways of helping him to remember. He will eventually get it. I know it can seem hopeless at times....I know I've been there. However, I can say.....when he does come around....you will be so proud. Hang in there.

We've dealt with the lying, the not turning in homework and the potential of failing 6th grade.

Let me ask you this: If he fails 6th grade what's the worse that's going to happen? He has to repeat it next year? Ok, big deal. Sometimes the best thing for our kids is to let them fail. It would be better for him to fail now then to fail when he's older and it has serious long reaching consequences, right?

As far as the lying goes, try this. Every time he tells you something, tell him you think he's lying and make him sit at the table. When he gets upset and tries to tell you it's unfair, let him know that he lies so much you have no idea when he's telling the truth and you don't trust him. Explain to him that if he tells you the truth, even if it's about something bad, the punishment will be far less severe then if he lies to you. And then stick to your guns. If he lies about something, make the punishment more severe.

Lastly, the thing we do with grades is this: If you have As and Bs then you're free to play and have electronics...whatever. If you have a C then no electronics during the week, but on weekends you may watch TV. (Friday and Saturday night) Anything lower then that and you sit at the table from the time you get home from school until bedtime. You may do homework or read, but that's it. Period, no excuses.

Good luck! Raising kids can be a wild ride, but it's worth every minute.