Effects of Divorce on Children

Wow, being in a school for ONLY 1 year, then having to transfer to another school the NEXT year... is really... to me.... not the best thing, for a kid, no matter what age.
That is like, literally, moving house/location/schools/friends and their lives... every year. What a.... toggle.... to put it lightly.

The 'kids' should not have to 'please' their parents... that is not a good... dynamic for them.
The parents to me... should be doing what is best for the children... not themselves.
And yes, socially/academically/friends... will be impacted, and especially when they get into higher grade levels etc.

I don't know of any books, that addresses all this moving specifically.
But, if you do a Google Search on "Tween Development" many good articles/books will come up.

I don't know of any books for children this age, but my son's school counselor suggested "My Life Turned Upside Down but I Turned it Rightside Up" by Mary B. Field.

My ex was so bent on everything being 50/50 that our child was literally being torn in half. I personally don't know how kids are supposed to flourish being "halved". They should be able to feel "whole" and intact, regardless of whether it suits their parents.

I am so glad that even though my ex was so focused on having "half", he reallized our son being in one solid place benefitted him.
He wanted our son to live in a different town and attend different schools and la la la la fricking la......
He had liberal visitation. Every other weekend, two nights a week. Every shared holiday, etc.
When it came down to it....and it took a while, he realized that it wasn't about him....
Our kid was literally being cut in two.
I even said in mediation that I was willing to give up our child to keep him from going through that.
Not that I wanted that, but I put my son's feelings first.
It was after that, that my ex backed off.
On paper, it was easy to see that our son spent more time in the car just going back and forth as it was and he had no life in any one solid place.
My ex, who had lived in the same house his entire life from birth until he graduated high school had no concept of what it was like to be shuttled around.
The parents need to get a grip so the child can be okay with things.
That's my opinion.
I wish I had a book to recommend for an older child, but maybe the parents can read the one I suggested. The parents are the ones who need the message.

Best wishes.

Ok, as a child of several divorces and several moves, I have to say this is the STUPIDEST thing I have EVER heard. What were these parents thinking? Do they have amnesia regarding their own childhood school years? I had to move in 6th grade and 10th grade and it wasn't fun. Yes, you can make friends, but it's HARD, and to switch EVERY YEAR is so destructive to them socially and emotionally, I can't even believe that this type of agreement would be approved. If they want to switch parents every year, fine, but they need to be in the same school district. PLEASE talk to your family members if you have a good relationship with them and show them this response if you need to. I understand they love their kids and want to spend lots of time with them, but this arrangement is NOT the answer.

Good for you for questioning this.

Ugh, I am a child of divorce and this is like my worst nightmare.. The only thing I had as a constant was my friends..

I think they need to let the kids decide where they want to live and go to school. The parents got the divorce but the kids have to live the life left over. They can at least allow them to have this major choice and control in their lives.

Yes, each parent wants to see their children as much as possible, but this is going to need to change so that the children can have stability in the academic lives. How are they going to form friendships and establish themselves in a community?

Maybe the parents would be willing every other year, move to another city so the kids can have the stability.. The klds would own the house and the parents are the ones that come and go every other year?.. NOPE never gonna happen, because it is just crazy.. Guess what? They are making their kids do this..

Maybe the kids could go to some counseling and figure out what they really want. Who knows, maybe they like it, maybe one will want to live with one and another with the other parent?

I know I loved each of my parents and did not want to have to be truthful about who I wanted to really live with.. I did not want to hurt my fathers feelings.. But there was no way I was going to leave my main home and go to new schools.

It really should be the kids choice.

I agree, this is a tough one.

If anything, the school's counselors should know the situation so the children can be helped through the year. The slingshot raising of children every other year would be difficult indeed, but if the family is a strong one, they may be able to make it work. Kids can be quite resilient, but I don't know these kids or what they have been through. Children of divorce have a lot tougher things going on and often need even more consistency.

I would think there are many books on maintaining stability throughout divorce for children.

This article is interesting, but then the parents would argue that they are providing stability:
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/106762.php

"The final key is to limit the amount of change in your children’s lives. Most adults assume children experience only one change as a result of their divorce: seeing parents at different times. If we step back and take a closer look, however, we become aware that there are multiple changes children cope with when parents divorce. Some of the most common include adding a new home environment, losing the family home, neighborhood, neighbors and friends, as well as having to change schools, which entails losing not only friends at school, but also teachers, coaches, scout leaders, school counselors, aides and others too numerous to name, that may play a crucial role in the lives of your children. It doesn’t take much to achieve double digit numbers in the changes a child of divorce must face.

There are ways to make these changes easier on your children as well. If your family is experiencing divorce, give your child a minimum of six months between any major changes. For instance, a separation occurs and one parent moves out. Even if the family home must be sold, give your child six months to cope with the separation, itself, before adding another adjustment he must make.

Whenever possible, allow your child to finish out the school year in the old school or, even better, to make the change at a more natural time, such as when all children are switching from elementary school to middle school or middle to high school. Whenever possible, keep childcare providers, coaches, dance teachers and other adults in your child’s life as consistent as possible."

from here:
http://www.parentguidenews.com/Catalog/WomensInterest/ACh...

Oh no! This shouldn't even be legal! I wish it were law that if a couple chooses to divorce, (after choosing each other to make a family with and,consequently committing to those children), the parents should be the ones who have to do the moving around, sacrificing and inconveniencing themselves. The kids should be allowed to stay put in the family home and carry on with their lives as they are and the parents have to set themselves up elsewhere and "visit" the children and family home on the kids' schedules. It is so unfair that kids are the ones so displaced and are forced to do all the suffering while the parents are allowed to recreate a new home, family and life for themselves and never look back.

I realize not all divorces are that simple, nor are always the fault of both parents but it is NEVER the fault of the children and yet the children always get the roughest end of it all.

Sorry I don't know any books or anything else to tell you that may be of any use but this is just outrageous. These poor damn kids are not property! Adjusting to two homes is hard enough, each with their own rules and culture and dynamics but to be bounced around like a yo-yo like this to serve the parents is just disgusting! Some kids may survive this without too much damage having been done, but some kids would absolutely be wrecked by such an arrangement.

I realize you are aware of this and are trying to do the right thing so I don't meant to explode at you! Thankfully someone, you, is thinking clearly and concerned for the well being of the children. Good luck!

terrible idea. i am sorry i don't have any books to recommend, but just wanted you to know i share your concerns. do either of them have a clue about what their kids are going through? do they care?

After our divorce, we agreed to live in the same school district so the kids would have to attend the same school regardless of whose house they were sleeping in. We also agreed to live 5 minutes away from each other so we could both parent the kids every day.

Being the parent of a 14 year old, I can relate. I bought a house in different school district when he was entering 6th grade. The adjustment to a new school and new kids, especially kids that had been basically together since Elementary, was very difficult. I can't imagine children having to do that every school year. It took a long hard year, and well into 7th grade, for my son to solidify some friendships in our new district.

The key may be for the parents to overlap the friendship with the kids from the different schools. Each parent should make the effort, despite the distance, to invite kids from the other school over to visit. Maybe each parent should make a trip a couple times a year to attend events at the other school and get to know the children's friends' parents. Then maybe weekend, holiday and spring break "sleepovers" could be arranged in order to maintain the friendships. That way the children would have friends to go back to each year. Gosh, M., middle school is a blood bath sometimes, I can't imagine having to constantly re-adjust to the social hierarchy those teens create. Geesh, what happens when he gets to high school and has a girlfriend!?!

As the Aunt maybe you could carefully talk to the children and try to draw them out about how they really feel about the situation. They may be more comfortable talking to you and then you could talk to the parents. Not to censure their decision but to let them know how the children feel about the situation. But let the children know if you are going to advocate for them with the parents. You don't want them to see any discussions you have as a violation of their confidentiality of their talk with you.

The only time I have seen this type of arrangement work was when the parents lived in the same school district. Then, although the children would switch houses from time to time, everything else stayed constant.

Offer an open line of communication to your niece and nephew - they may need an objective third party to vent to.

Momma L. and SH are spot on about doing some research to better educate the parents. You know, they have the childrens' best interest at heart, and it is great that both parents want to be so involved, but maybe summer and holidays with one and school year with the other may be easier on the children.

I wish you luck in navigating these discussions and send you many hugs for being their for the children.