the HS question gave me the courage to ask this. I don't mean it to be offensive but i am curious as there are more people I've been coming in contact with that are in this situation.
SO THE QUESTIONs are do you have preconceived notions about grandparents raising grandkids and have those notions changed?
I'm glad to hear there are cases were the original parents ( current grandparents) were good influnces and upstanding people.
My initial reaction is always, how noble and wonderful and then when I think about it, i tend to assume that if the original parents were so wonderful at parenting that perhaps their own children wouldn't have choosen drugs etc. andi wonder if the cycle is just being set up to be repeated over and over. obviously i tend to think nurturing make more of a difference than nature. and I will freely admit, i haven't walked up to anyone and boldly asked how they ended up in this situation. I guess when it come down to it it might not be any different than having the chld in daycare full time anyways. So just alot of possibly wrong thoughts swirling in my head that i was hoping someone could shine a light on. I had really outstanding parents for my first 13 yrs and a strong extended family so that probably colors my perception.
Some grandparents are doing a great job raising heir grand kids.
Others have a second shot at messing up another generation as badly as they did the first.
My siblings and I were raised for a few years by my grandparents.
My dad was a great, hardworking father. He literally worked himself into the hospital trying to provide for us after our mom walked out on the family... Leaving him with four kids, from six months to six years old.
In order to support us, he often had to take overtime hours. There was a point when even that was not enough, so he started taking the higher-paying assignments that unfortunately, took him out of state a lot. So during that time (about 5 years) we lived mainly with his parents. When he was home, we were with him.
He had it together. He is a great father, who faced hard circumstances. It was very difficult for him, and a huge blow to his pride, to have to rely on his parents; but he did what he had to do to ensure that we were taken care of.
My preconceived notions tend to stem from my own experience.. So I usually look at those grandparents in a more positive light. Not only have they "done their time" raising their own kids, but are willing to step up and care for their grand kids, when they should be enjoying retirement.
So what's the question?
My older kids (both 15) have several friends who are being raised by grandparents. In all of the cases, the parents are addicts. In all of the cases, the grandparents are good people who are giving their grandchildren a solid, safe, normal home life that the parent(s) were incapable of providing.
One of my brothers was an addict, so I know firsthand how good parents can have kids who get sucked into that life. It's not a reflection on the parents (grandparents) when their adult children mess up their lives for no good reason.
Well, I don't have preconceived notions - the few grandparents that I've met who are raising their grandkids have told me why. Their kids can't get it together enough to raise the kids themselves. This is the reality that I've personally encountered.
There are probably other reasons - illness, death in the family, etc., but I haven't met anyone where this is the case yet.
It is actually an odd area and I don't think there is a stereotype based on the scenario. Most of the stereotypes seem to come from a situation.
Like I know a few grandparents raising their grandkids but it is short term while their child finishes their education. All of their kids have finished their educations, are raising their kids again full time, never really handed them over to their parents. Life handed them a challenge and they dealt with it.
Then I see others that did a just awful job of raising their kids and now they are doing an awful job of raising their grandkid.
Then I see others that are marginally raising their grandchild claiming it is their kid's responsibility so pretty much no one is raising the baby!
Sorry about the non answer answer.
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After reading your what happened, how can you even know the grandparents are raising the child when you don't actually know the grandparents and conversely, how could you not know the circumstances if you do know the grandparents?
Everyone I know the parents are alive and well. Most needed help getting to a place where they can support their child again. The one situation where grandma is raising the child and will for life, it is enabling her kid's lack of responsibility, nothing else, nothing noble.
Good parents can have bad kids by no fault of their own. It is just the ones I know, the apple didn't fall far from the tree. Still most I know it was very short term.
My parents are raising two of their grand kids (not mine, of course!) I know some others that are, as well. Honestly, in every situation...the parents couldn't get their lives together. It's hard not to assume that's the case in other families.
And your question is.....?
It's hard to have one at this point. My folks are helping raise my nephew (conflicted feelings about this which I won't go into) and I also know a great woman who is raising her grandson-- her daughter and son-in-law were killed in an auto accident. I think that in a lot of cases, I likely do assume that the child's parents just don't have the child as a priority, but I haven't been exposed to many other scenarios.
I have no judgment. There are so many reason why the grandparent may be raising their grandchild.
A family member of mine was raised by her grandparents because her mother died in a car accident when she was young. Not some insidious reason. Just an accident.
It's more important that a child is raised by someone that loves them and cares for them then who that is.
I would assume that they are doing it because their children were either deceased, or unfit parents (either through their own fault, or perhaps mental illness).
I figure they must have a lot of stamina. And patience.
of course not. the reasons are as widely diverse as people themselves.
is THIS what prompted the 'nature or nurture' question?
and individuals change. if i were to raise a grandchild at this point, all of my accumulated experience as a mother would cause me to do some things differently than i did with my boys. i'm also much more patient, and FAR less energetic than i was when i was a young mom, so that would skew the dynamic right there.
maybe it's also a feature of my age (mid 50s) that i'm less judgmental about folks i don't know than some of you young 'uns.
khairete
S.
I assume that the grand parents are saints and the parents are idiots for whatever reason. (Then I read Marie C's post and realize that that isn't always the case. But probably most likely.)
Some people have kids young. A friend of mine had her oldest at 17 and hermom ghelped raise him so she could finish school. He still lives with her because they are really close and she give her mom custody of him
Imo she is a good mom but really not ready to be a parent she just had kid 3all 3 by different guys
I think, usually, that there must be a really difficult personal situation that created those circumstances. No judgment.
Several of my consumers were raised by their grandparents. My best friend is a teacher in an inner city school. Some of the students lost their parents when they were babies to gang violence. Some of the students lost their parents to drugs. Some of the students were abandoned by their parents. Some of the parents have unfit parents. Some of the students were sent to live with their grandparents for financial reasons or health reasons or any other number of reasons.
So my notions depend on a case by case basis. One of my friends has a very dysfunctional relationship with her grandmother, who raised her. A neighbor calls her grandmother Mom and adores the ground she walks on.
