Hi My 7 yo DD has had eating issues, picky eating and anxiety about eating. Now its reached a crisis point. She was born premie at 30 weeks and had reflux, food allergies, allergic esophoghitis, enlarged tonsils and adenoids, constipation and texture/ sensory issues. We always worried that she was not getting enough to eat bc of slow growth and put too much pressure on her to eat. Meals at the table were never fun for her. As the medical problems stabilized, the behavior problems increased. She began avoiding food, would rather play than eat, never seems motivated by hunger and would prefer to talk at the table instead of eat. So my DH and I contiinued to put pressure of her to eat. When we pulled back, she just chose not to eat - but always asked to take her plate into the TV room. We let her do anything that would make her more comfortable but TV and food were never a good mix. Too much distraction and she has ADHD. After 6 years, weve decided no more pressure. Its only been 1 week and she simply chooses not to eat. She complains of being hungry, but does not eat at table. Eats a few bites of food and has lost 2 pounds. She says she still feels pressured to eat. We are scared she will starve herself and we will need a feeding tube. Can we reverse this problem
Thank you for the helpful recent responses. You are right that I carry a good amount of guilt about this. We now come to the table, try to have a light, pleasant conversation not involving food. It takes her at least 15 minutes to engage, then maybe she'll take a few bites and say she's all done and would like to save the rest for snack. We give in bc we feel it's her anxiety. She pulls on her hair, rearranges the silver wear but seems too nervous to eat. So we give in, feeling guilty that we've caused this. She tells us - you're always yelling at me, asking me to eat and drink, every day. So it's not hard to figure out where the anxiety came from. She tries to control everything and this carries over into school. Same behavior which shows as food avoidance. We've just stArted with the psychologist, but it's a waiting game. She feels the need to control and food is the weapon. I a free I'm probably hovering and she picks up on my anxiety but it's hard to not worry. I'm just hoping we can correct before it gets worse.
I would talk to her pediatrician for recommendations on an occupational therapist at this point. Hope this helps.
Sounds like you are feeling very scared which is totally understandable. She would benefit from seeing a child psychologist. Now. She needs an intervention quickly. You need the support of a professional.
C.,
Welcome to mamapedia.
Sorry - but she's 7 years old. Stop treating her like she's a preemie baby. Set the rules for the house and make sure EVERYONE is on the same page with them.
She sees your apprehension and this has now become a power struggle and she's winning....what you have been doing is NOT working, right? So now is the time to be the parent and take control.
If she doesn't have anymore medical issues - food allergies, etc. talk to a nutritionist and get a diet in place that every one can work with. If she needs to eat small meals during the day - then so be it. You are NOT a short order cook - have things for her to snack on that are healthy - carrots, celery with peanut butter and raisins, fruit, etc. but do NOT cook her a special meal.
STOP weighing her. You are NOT helping the problem and will make food the enemy. Even more so than it already is....
Designate an eating area. It applies to EVERYONE in the household.
Stop treating her like a preemie. Treat her like a child and set the standard. Role model good eating habits and exercise. YOU CAN DO THIS!
I think at this point you need to all seek professional help with this one.....
I think this has gone on long enough. Time for all of you to have professional help.
She needs to be professionally evaluated and you need to read up on ADHD. Just because they learn differently does not give a child all of the power to do whatever they want.
Also with her sensory and food texture deal, You need to work with professionals to make a plan as to how she is going to get through this,
I agree that she needs rules. ALL children test their parents over and over. Children thrive on schedules, rules and expectations. That helps them feel secure.
Heck our daughter also was a preemie, and placed in NICU, but we quit mentioning and referring to that that by the time she was 2 years old..
Your additional info makes a difference in the answers.
I had on that really challenged my parenting on eating issues. Picky, would throw up trying new foods, everything thing kind of revolved around his eating habits. Like where we ate, what we bought. And his issues weren't nearly as severe as your daughter's.
I understand your guilt and helplessness. You mean well but don't know where to stop. Kids don't come with instructions. Kids with medical and mental issues are hard to parent, period. For the most part, they just come that way. You deal with it as you can.
It sounds like you have delt with it by getting the help she needed. Good for you. Now, you need to get the help you need. I have a friend with a child with CP. every decision can have tremendous consequences. That's a ton of pressure. They have a special needs group they belong to. They sometimes need meds to calm their anxiety. They exercise. They belong to a supportive church group. The mom belongs to my prayer group. It takes a big support group to help them. You need a good support group. I bet her psychiatrist can help you to find a counselor or a support group.
There are times that the hardest thing is to wait. It's easier to DO something. You are waiting for things to calm down and new behavior to kick in. That's anything but easy. Try to keep yourself occupied. Play cards while she eats. Enjoy each other, this is the only life you get. Balance.
May God give you peace.
Get professional help for her. Our 10-year-old son has ADHD but also had severe Selective Eating Disorder and went through eating disorder treatment this fall. He was on home hospitalization and almost had to go on a feeding tube.
Start by asking the pediatrician for guidance. Pediatricians are really geared up to deal with childhood obesity and not the other extreme, so be very forceful that you are not getting anywhere, she's not eating and you don't know what to do. You need the advice of medical professionals when it's starting to go to extremes. Moms here mean well, but when you're already dealing with a brain disorder, things are complex and you need specialized advice. Your daughter may need special therapy, she may not, but a doctor will know what to do.
Good luck!
Thank you all for your responses. I should give you a bit more info before you judge my parenting. We've already spoken with a nutritionist and they tell me what to serve - usually things she refuses to eat. She has dairy protein, egg and nut allergies and is sensitive to textures with skin, seeds etc. we are working with a feeding clinic for feeding therapy. Her weight is 53 pounds and she is 48 inches, hasn't lost much weight but isn't growing great. We are also working with a pediatrician and psychologist to help us with a plan. Psychologist just diagnosed her with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and both have told me remove all pressure, since her entire life has been about pressure to eat. Pediatrician is treating her for a suspected eating disorder and hopes Zoloft will help lower anxiety. My guilt comes from putting too much pressure on her early on and feeling responsible for her current state. I understand the behavior issues but am afraid about pushing her too hard into a full blown disorder. Positive comments would be helpful here.
I skimmed through the responses, so please forgive me if I don't acknowledge something. Here's my two cents :
1 - I think you should seek professional help to make sure your approach is correct
2 - I don't think you can really force a child to eat and the more you push the issue - the bigger a deal it becomes. Kids have very little control of their lives and choose to control what they can. For example I have a 2.5 year old fighting potty training right now with a vengeance by pooping twice as much in her regular underwear as she does in her pullups.
My point is - some things you can't force, and the more you push the more they push back. I would leave food out for her. Let her graze. Keep plenty of healthy snacks and see if she eats on her own without an audience. Pull back on the eating together if that's a source of tension and let her embrace the food on her own. At this point - I think her eating is far more important than her eating at the table with you guys....
The food stubbornness, constipation, etc. sounds like my 7y.
We rarely 'force' her to eat, but she has days where she doesn't eat much. She loves bacon and cheese sandwiches. She loves strawberries.
We have a 'healthy' snack drawer that has individually wrapped snacks and cheese and waters that she has access to all day.
We all start dinner at the table. We don't force her to clean her plate, but will sometimes tell her to eat 2 more bites. She sometimes will eat a whole meal, and sometimes just a few bites and then she is done.
For those nights, we offer her either cereal or yogurt just before bed.
I also give her smaller portions that what I give myself and my guys. I know that if I give her 4 nuggets, she will eat 1-2 of them, and 2 get tossed. If I give her 3 nuggets, she will usually eat 2 of them, and then if the 1 gets tossed, I haven't wasted as much food.
For sandwiches, I fix her half a sandwich, folding one slice of bread in half.
She also LOVES buttered noodles, but hates spaghetti. So we dish her portion up before we mix the sauce in.
For mine, she also gets distracted by the tv. So I have a small table in the living room that she has to sit at. She gets a 30 minute time limit on eating.
Don't 'watch' her eat. Eat your meal with her, but don't focus on her. When you are done, start to clear her plate too. Ask if she is done. Whatever is left, put in the fridge for a snack later.
BTW, my daughter is 7y, 46 lbs and 47 inches tall.
You mention just starting with a psychologist. Do you mean her or both of you? To make this work, if YOU are not seeing someone, you probably should. It's great that she's getting help with her anxiety, but I'd you don't get help with your guilt and anxiety it doesn't matter how much help she gets, you will still be doing the things that caused the anxiety in the first place. Take care of you so you can take care do her in a HEALTHY way.
I truly think she needs professional help. It may be she has to have a feeding tube. If she is grossly underweight she will have to have that medical intervention.
If the doc you take her to doesn't understand she will just choose to not eat then please find someone else. So many people think if you just don't give in that kids will eventually eat. They don't realize this is so harmful to the kids. I hope you find an amazing doc that will do what's best for your child.
My daughter is 6, and since she was born she has had feeding/eating problems. In our case, my daughter has Sensory Processing Disorder and possibly ADHD. Has your daughter ever been diagnosed, or do you suspect she has SPD? My daughter has ALWAYS had problems with the textures, smells, tastes of food. She has a very limited, but healthy diet. The ONLY thing that worked with her was getting her feeding therapy through an Occupational Therapist. She was able to expand her diet immensely! NOTHING else worked with her. I would speak to your Pediatrician and ask that your daughter start receiving OT for the eating issues as well as a Child Psych. to tackle the anxiety and who specializes in working with children who have sensory issues. I know from experience, pressuring your child to eat does NOT help, it makes matters worse. My daughter is actually scared of the way the food feels in her mouth, and it's such a strong fear, that she couldn't get past that to try a food. It takes much patience & work to make progress. Good luck to you, believe me I know how frustrating & heartbreaking this can be. Please PM me if you need support.
Hi C.,
What a struggle. It sounds like you are seeking help from professionals on multiple fronts and doing everything you can to most support your daughter as she figures this out. I hope that you are also seeking and receiving support for yourself. At the very least, please be gentle with yourself. It sounds like all along, you've been doing what you have thought was best for her, and now it feels like you believe you've taken some missteps. Please know that we all do this. Parenting is like one big lesson in imperfection. We all want what's best for our kids and figuring out how to do what's best can be difficult.
I can't imagine that I can offer much advice that would be better than what you are receiving from professionals in this area. From a mom's-eye view, though, I wonder if you'd want to set up some structure for meal-times that is not related to food. Here are some possible strategies:
Everyone comes to the table at meal-time and engages in pleasant conversation. Food is available, and not a topic of conversation.
Snacks are available on the table at certain times (I'd go for twice between meal times - consistent intervals, for a half-an-hour at a time). Make the snacks ones she'll tolerate, texture-wise, and of course, healthy. I wouldn't set any limits on it or even make it a part of a conversation. I might mention, casually, first time only: there's a snack on the table if you're hungry.
On another note:
When your daughter was born, it was your job to make sure that she received the nourishment that she needed, and it was made more difficult by her complicating medical and sensory issues. She is getting to an age where it makes sense to start teaching her to be an active participant in ensuring that she receives the nourishment that she needs, in the way she needs it (no skins, avoiding allergens, etc.). If removing conversation about food (like in the structure outlined above) doesn't work for you or for her, perhaps she'd like to become more involved in setting the menus, making the grocery list, cooking, or even planting some herbs, caring for them, etc. A little empowerment surrounding food (not directly related to eating) might go a long way...
Good luck.
Sounds like by trying so hard, a little too much talking about this and power has been given to her. I get that opinion when you say she "Says she still feels pressured to eat". It's like she's learned to use that against you. If you know what all the diet restrictions are, then there is no debate about WHAT she will eat. You'll serve her healthy food and that's it. I do agree you should take off the pressure (without saying so), but I also think you should tighten up a bit in some ways.
First of all, FORGIVE YOURSELF. So you've tried to keep her nourished her whole life. Everyone almost seems to be coaching her that she's a victim from the way this sounds. You need to set everyone including yourself straight: You are not to blame, and you will not be made to feel bad by your daughter. I have a 7 year old daughter and I would not accept that treatment from her.
Yes, get the help of the professionals, but I think she needs a little less control too...like no more taking the food where she wants etc. She sits at the table and has nice manners. She doesn't have to eat, but she does have to be a normal family member and behave. And no complaining about the food. It's rude. Again, she doesn't HAVE to eat it, but the pity party is over. You can offer a certain amount of bribery at times (No ice skating with friends later unless you eat this right now) type stuff, but not all the bending over backwards. Let her know that's how MOST kids have it-parents make them eat. Look at it like a fresh slate. You know what types of foods she needs to eat, and now it's time for her to fulfill the role of a healthy normal girl. I would make sure the professionals are OK with it (to an extent) but honestly, would she really starve herself to death? I have a pretty picky eater (4yo) who sometimes barely eats all day, but she will catch up at some point and if she didn't finish her lunch I keep offering it to her til dinner, I don't give her a treat instead...if you never waver, she won't keep fighting all the time. Unless she's an extreme case. And if so you need to continue with the professionals.
I am very worried about the number of replies to your post advising you to take a stronger parenting stance on this issue.
Regardless of mistakes made in the past, what you did was done out of concern for your daughter's well-being. Going forward, that needs to also be the case.
At age seven, she is potentially developing an eating disorder. She feels pressured. Even if you & your husband have backed off of the pressures used previously, the changes in routine & the acquiescing is creating different, but still affecting, pressures on your daughter.
It is great that you have worked with a nutritionist to make sure that what she does eat is meeting her needs. A psychologist to understand general issues that she may be dealing with was also a good decision.
From what you have written in your post, -I- am still feeling the pressure you are applying to your daughter. You may no longer be forcing her to eat, but the way you appear to have 'backed off' now seems more like a hovering, fretting butterfly. I wouldn't feel comfortable, & would feel "watched", if I were in your daughter's position.
It sounds like she has a need to have control over -something-, because she hasn't for so long. Perhaps the reason she hasn't been eating is because, despite being hungry, she feels an ability to control her situation, her environment. This is one of the ways anorexia can develop.
Due to the prevalence of eating disorders in girls and adolescents, which more & more often are starting before they hit puberty, it is important that your daughter's reasons for not eating are addressed. Maybe your pediatrician & psychologist are able to work through this; if not, seek the help of someone who specializes in pediatric eating disorders.
There is only so much you can do to remove the pressures, & it may take more than that to help her break through her anxieties about eating. Just like patients who need to lose weight, she didn't develop these issues overnight, & it will take longer than a week for her to come around & gain comfort.
Given her numerous food sensitivites/allergies, perhaps it would help if she felt like she had more control over what she ate. Perhaps finding ways to make foods she wants to eat in safe ways (there are all sorts of websites on how to modify the typical food to accommodate food restrictions), & letting her plan her menu will help. K.V. referenced this nicely in her post below.
Hoping for the best for your daughter, & a solution that will keep her healthy. T.
