Eating a Big Bowl of "Mothers Guilt" That Is Completely Self-inflicted :-(

M.,
Take the dance class and enjoy! It is only one evening a week. You will be a better mom to evan the remaining evenings you have. And how much fun is it going to be to get up and see his smiling face wednesday morning. It is good for you to get out. Stop feeling guilty and enjoy being M. for an evening.
N.

I have a friend who insisted on being home every night at bedtime to put her daughter to bed. Now, her daughter (3)refuses to go to bed for anyone BUT her. (she eventually does but it is a struggle for whomever is taking care of her).

I myself was recently required to work nights/weekends and was feeling that "mothers guilt" towards my son. My husband said "he needs to get used to you not ALWAYS being there else you end up like your friend".

I wanted to punch him for not being sympathetic towards me but at the same time, I needed that reality slap.

So I'm passing that slap over to you.

Take time for you, you will be a better Mommy because of it.

Keep dancing M.!!!! :)

Feeling guilty is totally normal. It just means you care. HOWEVER - let it go! Hit that dance class every week and have a blast. It is good for Evan to get used to someone else doing his bedtime routine, so he isn't relying on you all the time.
I work FT as well, and used to feel guilty about going to the gym twice per week. But it makes me feel so much better and happier - I have a lot more patience and am a better Mom.
HAVE SOME FUN!!! You deserve it - we all do :)

Take the class! You need to keep in touch with your "self," and you will be a better mom for it. It is good for kids to see their parents being active, having interests, etc. And you will be happier, and therefore a better mom.

I am often away from my 15 month old for over 24 hours, due to the nature of my job (I went back full time when she was 3 months). It is hard for me, but the positive side is that she and her father have an amazing bond, and I have learned that they can do just fine without me. That takes some of the pressure off.

Good luck!
M.

You got a ton of awesome responses but I had to chime in - as a full-time working mom myself, this is an issue VERY close to me. It is so great to see all these responses from all these moms! I have found that the time you get for yourself, whether it's exercising, reading, shopping, taking a bath, is KEY to your role as a mother. I also agree with everyone who said that it is a good example for your child to see you do something special, just for you. I still remember my mom going to ceramics class when I was little - she needed that time away from the house and she was always happy when she came home. Believe me, I know the guilt you speak of - it is like a wave sometimes and it just comes over you, even when you least expect it. I have found in the past 3 years and two kids later that no matter what you do, you feel some sort of guilt. So go for the balance and do not give up things that are just for you. No one said that we had to leave everything behind when we became moms. You sound like a terrific mother, and obviously your son is doing great! Try to pack in your weekend time together as much as you can, and the other weeknights to make up for it. He will be FINE. Keep up the good work and enjoy your time dancing!!

Dear M. -

I spent the years before I became a mom (many!)studying what it would take to be a "great mom." The one thing I saw time and time again was this: If the mother is truly happy, the baby is happy.

Dancing is clearly something that is in you as a person. To ignore the need to continue with this part of yourself will not make you happier. Take the class. You deserve to be happy and so does your baby.

Good luck. Now I am going to take a little of my own advice and go read a book while my little ones nap.

Hi M.,

I just went back to work full-time (I have a two-year old) so I understand where you're coming from. You need this class. The first option would be to find a class during the workweek and eat lunches from your desk to make up for the time. Or a weekend class.

If this is the only class that will work for you for whatever reason, go to the class. You can consider sleeping with your baby that night to get some time with him--you will smell each other and he will be overjoyed to wake up with you!

A happy mother is a happy baby...that's what I tell myself when I run up against something like this. I am a better mother when I can meet at least SOME of my needs!

Best of luck...
S.

HI M.,
I do sing 1 day a week. I leave at 6 and do not get home till 10. I travel to Nashua. I feel that i need this for me. You may not see him till the next morn but you need to do something for you. If dancing is what you love then go and do it. Don't feel bad about it. I was missing her when i left but she was only 2 months old at the time. She is 2 and doing really well with it. Her daddy does something special while I am gone and she lookes forward to this. We also talk about it in the morn. Maybe the sitter can remind him during the day so he knows what going on. Good luck

First of all, congratulations on making it throught the first year and working full time! when my kids were little I never managed to work full time outside the home, I just couldn't juggle it all. i still find it tricky with them as teens although now I balance 2 jobs one of which is owning my own paint-your-own pottery studio. Always find time for yourself- as the other moms have said, it makes you a better, more well-rounded mom. Your child may complain or comment on you being away as he gets older but remain firm and confident that what you do for yourself is not only good, it's essential! When you believe it, you will be convincing to him. One warning- the guilt never goes away, you just deal with it! Dance and enjoy, and I agree with the other mom- since he will be asleep, make the most of your evening out and spend some time outside of dance with your friends if possible!

honestly please do this for yourself it is very easy to loose yourself in your childs life..... you will be a better mom and happier mom for it. it is something you love and great exercise and great stress reliever.mother of four 13 11 8 and 18mths and strong believer that guilt is no way to live ..... enjoy and be happy. god bless K.

Honestly - and you won't like my answer - but that is too long a period for your son. A whole day is like a whole week to him. You'll see it reflected in him too. Since he can't outright tell you, he'll probably become more clingy and afraid to let go of you when you aren't around. When my daughters were young, I tried to become a Board member of their daycare - for their benefit, not even for "me" time. I'd get home from work at 6pm and have a half hour to spend with them. And it was only once per month. It didn't work. They cried and cried. It was too tough to go all day. I think you know this deep down in your heart - that is why you are asking. Remember - the days are long, but the years go by quickly. In no time at all, he'll be 6 or 7, and will be able to tolerate you having some "me" time. Just treasure that he needs you now. Why can't you find an event on a Saturday or Sunday, when you won't be gone all day in order to go to it? Sorry to not give you the recommendation that you want, but I no longer get my daily walk, do photography, read books, watch movies, etc., etc.. I'd like to, but not at the price it would take on my kids. Now they are 6 and 9, and I'm starting to be able to get them involved in the things I love, and I'm enjoying see that on the horizon I'll be able to get back to these things - perhaps with them involved in some of them. And I know too, that when I do things without them in the future, I'll also be sad to see that they are growing up and not needing me as much.

Just to give you some perspective, my husband works long hours in Boston and usually leaves before our son gets up in the morning and gets home as he goes to bed. There have been entire work weeks when Ted hasn't see Jake awake! Now, this is hard on all of us, but it's just the way things have to work for now.
I know I have a hard time with this kind of thing because, being a SAHM, I feel like anything I want to do outside of the home is voluntary. My husband has business trips and dinners and works long hours, etc. but I feel guilty asking him to come home a little early from work and stay with Jake so I can go to a study group at church because I don't really "have to", you know? Of course, my husband is supportive of my having outside interests, but I still find myself deferring to his work obligations.
We, as mothers, tend to lose our identity when we have children. This is necessary, to some degree, but not to the extreme of not having anything in our lives except our children, husbands, and jobs.
I think that going to a dance class once a week is a completely reasonable, and that it would be therapeutic and restorative for you....and make you a *better* mom because you will have a better sense of self! AND - What a wonderful example you are setting for your son, to show him that you are a complete person and not "just" (ha!) his mommy!
Good luck, and give yourself a break!!! :)

Please, go enjoy your dancing and connecting with your friends. It will refresh and refuel you and help you to be a better mom! Presuming you are not leaving your son with a pack of wild dogs, relax and take this tiny bit of time for you. Slip into his room when you get home and give him a kiss. You will have more energy to give to him in the morning because you took care of yourself. It may sound like a cliche, but you have to love yourself before you can really love another. A small break to rekindle a talent or hobby can really make a difference. Remember that you are leaving him in good hands for a short period of time and you will be rejuvinated when you return. Good luck!

C.

#1 You will be a better mom if you are happy.
#2 You will raise a great child who will be independent
Enjoy your dance time & don't feel guilty about it.

M.
You should go to the dance class. It's important to do things for yourself. I think when we take time to do something we enjoy it makes a better person.
Don't feel guilty. I think if yuo were going out everynight and didn't want to be with your son it would be different but it's only one night. Plus keeping in shape by exercising is a good thing.

In order to be the best mother you can be, you need to do something for yourself. Yes you work full-time, but that's something you do for money. At work and at home you are constantly doing things for others, which is noble, but in order to be at your best you need to take a little time to do something you enjoy. Also, it's setting a great example because it is a physical activity.

You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. You deserve it, and so does your family.

No no no! You are NOT a good mother if you are not healthy in your head! You MUST take care of yourself and be fulfilled in every way. You will be teaching your son that physical fitness, culture, music, and creativity are important! No child needs a mom who feels regret for giving everything up. You can spend the weekends or other evenings teaching him some version of what you did - "Look what Mommy learned at dance class" or whatever. When your child is older and needs activities, you'll be enrolling him in something - dance or karate or sports or art or something. Will you want him to feel guilty for leaving you, or will you want him to know that it's important to develop interests and passions and skills? I'm not talking about overscheduling a child - I am a firm opponent of that. There is plenty of down time for open play, creativity, just "being" - and you can develop that in both yourself and your child. DO the dance thing, and enjoy it! Meanwhile, your son will bond with his father or other caretaker, learn to be independent, learn to go to sleep for someone else, and you will build a lifetime confidence in him.

you didn't say where your son spends his time while you're working, going to dance class, and who is caring for him. i might have suggestions if i knew more specifics. bottom line...."me" time is important for everyone!

I don't think that you should feel guilty, it is only one night a week. You need to take care of yourself and do things that make you happy, to make sure that you are a good mom. Kids will know if you are not happy and it will affect them. A happy mommy makes for a happy family!!!!!

M., it is one night a week, and it is only for an hour or so. As far as working full-time, that is for the betterment of the family. As moms, we do everything for everybody. We take care of everyone. You can't forget to take care of M.. M. needs just a little something for herself. I am sure your son is well taken care of in your absence. You didn't say if your son is with his dad when you're at dance class. If so, I am sure they enjoy the one-on-one time with each other. Don't feel guilty. You are not a terrible mother for doing this. You're just taking care of EVERYBODY.

Hi M.! My son's name is Evan too!!! He just turned a year. I can awenestly say that I finally left my son for the first time for a few hours last Friday and it felt great! He had a great time and realized that he was OK w/o mommy. I also really needed the time away for my insanity. I believe that if thats the 1 thing that you do 1x a week for you, than that is AWESOME!!!!! You need something outside work and home. Something just for you! In fact, you gave me a great idea!!!!

I say do it.Go and enjoy your dance class.I didn't do anything or me with my18yr old son.They remember what they do you have no control over that.As long as you do and create good memories that is a great thing.
Call him on the phone in transit to your class.And let him know you love him.Create a ritual with him.Sing a song.Tell him a story and when you get home kiss him tell him you love him,he will feel it.Laminate your picture and let him tuck in with it.
Another thing you can do is, if you can record yourself reading a bed time story,that can be a special thing or him to do those nights.
Enjoy him as much as you can I did and now have a 6yr old girl that I do that with.It all goes by so quick.So be very selective about what you do so that you don't feel guilty.
Good luck and know that the guilt never goes away it's a part o being a mom.Just keep in check. Roni

Hi M.

First of all, you're not a terrible mom if you do something for yourself! I am a first time mom, too, and I certainly understand the guilt, though I don't feel it's warranted (I need to listen to my own advice sometimes). I'm sure it's going to be hard not to see your son for a whole day, but I'm guessing that you'll actually be a better mom if you take the dance class! We all need to take care of ourselves (especially we moms!), and I believe that we can better take care of our kids/loved ones if we do, in fact, take time for ourselves. It's not healthy to put all of our energy into others!

I hope it doesn't seem like I'm on a soap box. I just wanted you to know that this mom thinks it's a great idea for you to get back into dancing or whatever it is that brings you joy!

Good luck!

Peace,
S.

If you don't take the time for yourself you will only be hurting your family. This will give you the release you need to destress and be able to give your son 100% of yourself when you are with him. It will also gte him use to someone else being in charge one night a week which is huge. Go for it and while your there release yourself!

Hi M.,
I feel for you. I moved here from n.y and danced almost everyday. I finaly after 9 months said I have to do it for me. My soul will disintegrate if i don't do SOMETHING for myself. I don't know where you live but finding an adult dance class that suites you is hard. I finally did on Wed directly after work at 7:30. So if you found something and you love it HANG ON TO IT. the more time that passes the hardes it will be. You will have to be taking your little one to their own classes soon enough.
Dance until your heart is full
D.

Think of dance/exercise class in different ways: it's not just "you" time. 1) It says that you care about your body and health and doing things that are good for you. In time, your son will realize he has a great role model for healthy exercise---so keep it up! 2) It's special Daddy time, so play up that part and downplay that you'll be away. Of course, remind your son that you're thinking of him and will be saying goodnight to him, though he'll be asleep. But, really, it's Daddy-Son night and that is so special.

My 6yo daughter looks forward to my Wednesday night yoga class because she knows she has special time with her Dad. I've been going to class for 5+ years and it's so important to me---and to them. You're being a good mother by being good to yourself. Enjoy your class.

Do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish I had!

No, No, NO, M., you are NOT being selfish!Go dance, Girl! You need to feed yourself spiritually , AND nurture yourself physically and mentally to be the best mommy to your son!
I am a dancing mommy and grandma, and my kids have always loved that I dance! PLEASE do this for yourself, your family, and your sanity!
Big hugs while pirouetting,
A dancing Granny

Hi M.,

Every Tuesday I teach a night class - so I don't put Kyle to bed. I have been doing this since he was six months old. Although I miss him, it is the most wonderful thing for Kyle and Daddy. They have their own special rituals on these nights. Initially, it gave my husband a lot of confidence as a father, and as time has gone on, they both have really come to enjoy it. They have different things for dinner (things only Daddy makes/allows) and Daddy reads the books differently - especially without me as an audience. As much as I miss Kyle (and often peak in at him when I come in), it is wonderful that my "boys" get to spend this time alone. They are very close, and Kyle truly does not prefer one parent to the other - he has his favorites for certain things - but overall, either of us can put him to bed - as can sitters, etc. - so this makes our life (and our marriage) really great. I think you will come to cherish your dance class - and you'll be a better wife and mother for having some time for yourself. Historically, women always feel like they are "stealing" time for themselves. Men don't feel that way - they just take the time. Why is that? You want to model healthy sex roles for Evan. He'll miss you more and you'll get the BEST hugs in the morning. Good luck!

I'm going to start by saying that when my, now, 6 month old's daddy left for two nights to take care of work things (which rarely happens),THEY ARE FINE. I go to the gym, and daddy swares she cries the whole time, he just had to learn the patience and changing to find if it works rutine. It was a month ago that he took off, she is a bit funny and has a hard time sleeping if her schedule is "off"
I think I'm rambling but all i can say is its more of our worrying, sorry. I'm a sahm, so at first it was real dificult for me.
We all need a bit of OUR time to ourselves.
Try not to worry, have fun!!

Hi M.,
Fist off, we've all been there or are there right now. Do not feel guilty!!! Doing ONE thing for yourself is neccessary and needed. You'll enjoy it and it's not like you are out doing it every day/night. You provide for your son, take good care of him, he won't know that you are not there... I promise... when they are that young, they have ZERO concept of time so when he sees you the next morning, all will be well, he won't resent you for not being there for a couple of hours. Go for it, enjoy it, and be well! :)

Hi M.,

You are entitled to pursue your passions in life same as you would want your child to.

Life is full of choices. Yes, it is difficult to be separated for more than 24 hours. If your baby is happy with his caregivers and you are comfortable with the arrangement, your dance class won't interfere with you having a good relationship with your son.

Many professionals (doctor's, firefighters, paramedics, those who travel)often are away from their little ones for a day or more regularly and they bond just fine. Sure some moms want to be home all the time, but not everyone is the same.

If you are content, you will be a better mom. Anyway, maybe the potential bonus will be the relationship that forms between baby and dad, baby and grandma or whomever is providing care. So I hope you dance.

J. L.

A happy woman makes a good mother. That's all the advice I think you need. I don't yet know what it's like to be a working mother but I know you have to take time for yourself to be happy as a woman... not a wife, mother, employee and whatever we are in our lives. Your child may not always understand but if that extra time make you better for him you should do it! Good luck.

It is SOOOO IMPORTANT that you take time for yourself!!! It will make you a better mother. Your son will be fine without you for one day. That is a hard thing to accept sometimes as a mom, but he will. If you don't take some time for you to refresh and replenish your spirit, you will in fact be doing him a disservice. He deserves a mommy who is happy and lives a balanced life. He also needs to see someone with a passion. That will teach him as he gets older to have passions.

I go to the gym after work and so pick my kids up an hour later than the earliest I could (4:30 instead of 3:30) and at least once on the weekend. My kids (6 and twin 3.5) know I go to the gym, they talk about it being good exercise. I am less stressed and can cope with a full time job and three kids because of it!

ENJOY YOUR DANCE CLASS! Since your son will be asleep afterwards, don't rush home - go get a cup of coffee or tea!!

Go for it! It is something you love.

Let me put it to you this way..... are you going to go to work, be with your son and go to sleep in that order everyday for the rest of your life?
You work because you have to, to pay for your son to have a decent life. A roof over his head, food, new toys every so often...... you are NOT a slave!!!
Being a parent and adult is about reponsiblity, of course, but you are still a HUMAN BEING!!!!
You are talking about something you LOVE ONCE a week,,,,, NOT leaving him in daycare all day and taking off every night. He is ONE, he won't remember which day, one day a week anyway.
Lighten up on yourself!
If you really want to "balance the guilt" what if the two of you did something special on every Saturday or Sunday afternoon? Like a Gymboree (or less expensive) type class? Even an "every Sunday mommy and Evan go to the library and then out to lunch together"
Good Luck!

M.,
The biggest gift you can give your child is to take care of yourself. Evan will then have a mom who is strong and healthy (in body and mind) and who is feeling good about herself. That is an important model for your son. You're not being selfish. You're being self-ful. Those 2+ hours on Tuesday night will go a long way to your self esteem, life balance and sanity. I think if Evan would choose to have a little less time with mommy if the time he had with her she is happy and "present" with him.

So I say Dance Girl Dance! And since you'll miss bedtime anyway, go out after class with friends.

OMG. You need to take care of yourself and have something just for you for your own sanity.

It's okay that you won't see your son until the next morning. As long as he's cared for and loved when you're out once a week, it won't even affect him.

Don't lose any independence. It's not like you're out in the bar at night. Enjoy your dance class and the happier you are, the more your son will pick up on it.

I think it would be more terrible if you didn't take the class! You absolutely need you time. Everyone does no matter what the work situation.I walk 3-4 times per week and I work full and part time(weekends early).I wait until he's done with homework and everything and make sure to talk about his day every day and we do a ton on weekends together.That guilt is definately self inflicted.Take the classs.You'll be a better mom for it.T.

I am a mother of 2 young children. I am not working at the moment but will be starting back up in a couple of weeks. I believe that everyone including Mom's need some time to themselves every week. Dance and enjoy it!!!! Your son will be there in the morning and you can check on him while he is sleeping. You will feel better and less resentful as well as love him more.

Go for it and Dance!!!!

Hi M.,
Even as mums (and dads), we need some time to ourselves. Never lose your sense of self and try to do things to nurture yourself. By looking after ourselves, we are better able to give and look after those close to us. We need to 're-charge' our batteries and a dance class once a week will not be catastrophic!
I went back to part-time work when my boys were almost 7 & 4 and full time when they were 12 & 15. I too felt guilty that I was leaving them and worried that I wasn't being a 'good mother'. They're now 20 & 23 and are two beautiful young men- well adjusted and happy and have not suffered because I took a weekly evening ice skating or yoga class.
Your feelings are natural and you are not alone in feeling this way.
Time away once a week also gives your partner a chance to spend some bonding time with your son.
I hope this helps.
Kind regards
S.

I'm very glad you went. Kids are rather resilient when they get used to a routine. It can be Daddy's special time, etc.
Creative people absolutely need some outlet for their creativity or it drives them nuts. I have to go to a cafe once a week and write for an hour or I get cranky!

Do the dancing and enjoy, enjoy! You will be a much better mother, wife, friend if you take care of yourself. On many levels, it is very important. Your child will grow up seeing you have a life, taking care of yourself and exercising and staying healthy. I worked as an Obstetrician and Gynecologist for years before staying home with my children. I often did not see them for 36-48 hours because of the crazy schedule. I killed myself about it, but the kids did fine, they spent great time with my husband or my mother or also had a fun time with the babysitter. In the midst of this, I started a new hobby and also felt guilty leaving. Now, the kids are excited for me to have my thing, and they understand the importance of it. they are independant, resilient kids. I am a better mother, as I have my occasional outing for me, I am rejuvenated and give so much more to them. I have time to reflect on everything and that makes it so much better. When I am home, i am so much more involved with the kids as I have had my time, so am less distracted and more focused on them. Enjoy dancing now, as your child gets older, it will get a little harder to get out at that dinner hour, with homework and activities! Be good to yourself.

AK

GO. Part of being a good mother is filling your own tank so you can give to your baby. EVERYONE needs some 'me-time'. GO GO GO and don't feel guilty!

You absolutely need to take this dance class. Getting there will be the most difficult part.

When my son was 18 months old I worked FT and went to law school 3 nights a week. That first week of school was torture. However, once I got over my guilt, I thoroughly enjoyed school.

I'm sure you too will find that joy that dancing used to bring. Your son will actually benefit from you being a happy mom.

GO WITHOUT GUILT! :)
C.

You need that 'me' time so you can be a whole happy mommy to your baby! if you do not do this it could eat at you and then you may feel resentment that you could not take that 1 hour once a week to make you feel the joy you need to give joy back.

men seem to feel no guilt in golfing etc..and here oyu need this for your spirit. Go For It! you will all be better for it.

As hard as it is to tear ourselves apart from our children it is something that is good for us as mothers. We dont have to give up the things we love when we have children, just manage our time a bit differently. I say go for it, you will be a better mother to your son if you feel fuffilled.

Take the class if that is what will make you happy. If it's just guilt that you won't see him until the next day, then let that go and have a good time. Is he home with his Dad? Then think of it as special time that they get to have together.

If you are worried about the class because you think that you will miss Evan too much, that's a little different. I know other moms think that I'm crazy sometimes, but I've really programed myself to start missing the kids the minute I normally pick them up from daycare. So if I have to be out for dinner and bedtime, I miss them. If that's the case with you (and this is different from guilt) then see if you can take a class another time, or tweak your work hours that day or something so that you get to see the little man for at least a little bit of time (I find even 15 minutes does it) that day.

But you absolutely should find a time to do something that you love and is an important part of your life, even if it means spending a little more time away from your son. Everyone will be better off for it.

You must take care of yourself to take care of others. Getting some exercise, some adult interaction and something that is just for you is OKAY and something you should do. I think it is actually good for children to see that their parents have varied interests and are people aside from being parents. The first couple times it may be hard, but let go of the guilt. It's not healthy either. It will also be good for your hubby to have some bonding time with Evan.
Nothing wrong with a guys night in.