Easier on the Youngest Child?

I think you are doing the right thing. At all ages we need to be held and cuddled and loved. You aren't 'spoiling' him, just loving him. GOOD JOB

How about "go soak your head"? I'm sure that wouldn't help! Maybe you should try "I'll consider what you said, thanks for the input!" and change the topic. It doesn't help to hear the criticism and see if you can be a better mom because of it, but don't let them get to you, either. Every kid is different, and you're doing your best!

I have five children. My 8 year old is blind, with moderate M.R. and low functioning autism (all due to being born 16 weeks early), my 6 year old has HGH deficiency, Asperger's, several food allergies. My three year old daughter has multiple congenital heart defects and has already had two open heart surgeries and will be looking at more in the future, my three year old son has ataxic cerebral palsy, is g-tube fed, has severely compromised lung function, is medically fragile and has developmental delays due to brain damage. My 5 month old has some residual lung damage due to an RSV infection as a newborn.

Everyone by this point and stage of my parenthood wouldn't dare to even suggest such a thing. I treat my kids as individuals. They get what they need when they need it. They each have different personalities, and unique abilities and unique challenges.

Your mother and mother in law are *not* the parents of your beautiful children. That is YOUR job. You are one who raises them, lives with them 24/7, and knows them the best. You are one who is knows what is best for your overall family and for each of your individual children. It really doesn't matter what they think because they are not in the position to have any say in the matter.

What to tell them? Nothing. You don't owe them an answer. If they bring it up, smile and change the subject. Reflect their statements without adding anything of your own. "hmm---I hear you're really worried about that. Are you coming over for dinner?"

If they keep persisting and chasing you for an answer, you say something along the lines of:

"Look Mom. I know you are only bringing this up because you care about me and care about your grandchildren. But it isn't really your place and how I choose to raise my children is really not something I'm going to debate with you. The kids love you as their grandmother. You are a fantastic grandmother. I want you to worry about being their grandmother, and leave the parenting and worries that come with parenting to me. I love you too much to do this, and I'm not going to have this conversation with you. Rinse. Repeat. Rinse. Repeat.

It's not my job to convince the rest of the world that what I am doing is right, or in the best interests of my children and our family. It's not my job to justify and defend the parenting decisions we make for them. If someone wants to think my 6 year old's meltdowns are due to lousy parenting, or my three year old son's immature behavior is due to lack of proper _______ (insert blame the parent reason here), then by all means they can go ahead and think it. I am far, far FAR too busy doing the actual PARENTING of these children to care about the opinions of people who don't understand and aren't capable of making a fair assessment anyway. They can have their opinion all they want. They can be whispering for miles to come about how I'm "spoiling" X child and I'm not paying enough attention to Y child. The bottom line is that it isn't their job to be responsible for X child, Y child or A, B, and C children. There is no reason for me to engage them on those kind of subjects, especially when their opinion isn't going to change what *I* do with my children.

Geeze, are we the same person. My oldest is 9, middle is 7 she has Autism and my youngest is 6. I am probably easier on my youngest too. I say tell the moms if they want to come in and raise your kids go for it, chances they wont want to or last long. Tell them to but out. Only say it nicer than I just did. People mean well but put Autism and a younger child in the mix and it's hard, most people don't understand that. My 7 year old is aggressive with her sisters and my youngest takes the brunt of it. Plus it's your baby and for me my last. Do your best and ignore the moms. Hopefully as your kids get older they will understand but for most people unless they live it they wont understand.

I would say MYOB.

You have your hands full in ways that no one else can understand. That you are not totally crazy is a testament to that, and if your kids are happy and your house if functional, and things are clean enough that no one has gotten food poisening from your kitichen, then things are just fine. You change as you age, we all do and that you have as much experience as you have says a lot. An autisitc child will change your outlook in ways you have yet to learn about, but learn this one now and tell MIL and Mother to spend a little more time hanging with your three year old if they don't get it yet.

If your situation is like mine, this is just the precurser to them saying that the yougest is going to "end up like the last one" if you don't do something soon. Like what? I hope that does not happen to you, but for sure, you will be getting advice on how to handle the youngest, once strangers get a look at the autistic behaviors. Do what you need to do, and tell them that you don't need that kind of critique. Now, if they would just like to do the dishes, or vacuum...

M.

Their comments do appear to be a little unwarranted, but it's easier to see the dynamics of a family from the outside vs. being the parent.

My sister has 3 kids, and she completely ignores her daughter (13 years old) and prefers the boys. It's completely subconscious, but it's blatantly obvious to those of us outside their nuclear family.

I treat my children differently, but only because they have distinctly different personalities and need different kinds of attention/discipline. But, as our pediatrician advised, you have to be consistent with choosing which behaviors are acceptable, how much attention, affirmation and discipline to provide each of them.

Even though I'm the youngest of 3 daughters, I was treated differently - had higher expectations placed on me, was more disciplined than my sisters were (despite being a good kid), and it created problems in the family because there was no consistency. Even today, I feel like the black sheep of the family. My advice there is to let each of your kids have some of you evenly and independently based upon their needs and personalities.

Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones - perhaps your mother and mother-in-law are wanting to right any wrongs they feel they did in bringing their own kids up.

Good luck - do the best you can!

Grand mothers accusing you of being too easy on your 18 month old? In my familiy, grandma spoils my boys the most! It doesn't sound like you're doing anything harmful. I would not pick him up and carry him excessively. I'm a Chiropractor and treat lots of women for back sprains b/c of this and they're hard to heal if mom keeps carrying the children too often. Obviously, at 18 months, he still needs lots of help, but let him do things for himself if it's safe. It's better for his motor skill developement and your health! Otherwise, politely tell them you've learned to pick your battles, since this is your 4th child, end of story. Don't let it bother you, they're mom's and still see you as their child (technically true) and think they know better - just remember this in 20 years when you're the grandma!

Hi, J.:

What is it that the one who criticizes you needs?

Ask them what is bothering them about what you are doing?

You are doing your best. If they want to help you out by giving your
child/ren attention, are they allowed? Ask them to give to your child/ren what they perceive is needed.

It takes a village to raise a child, as they say. They can help.

Good luck. D.

My answer may be a little different than others. I would say that first, be sure in your heart you are treating them all the same so they know they are all loved equally. Then, I would suggest you think a little about what the MIL and others say. A few years ago my FIL said something to me about being too lax. I got defensive but when I thought about it, over the course of a year, he was right and I made some changes that were for the best.

I'm sure you're a great mommy. Good luck and happy mothers day

Only jumping in to say please be careful with your older daughter. She needs you JUST as much as the little ones and it sounds like you are using the "independent" idea to lessen your load. I am an older daughter that was treated like this and still harbor resentment for being left to fend for myself. I look back on my behavior in my childhood and now see a girl desperate for attention who pushed the envelope as far as she could but STILL never was punished. I think my parents just turned the other way b/c they were busy raising my siblings. Until this day they are much closer to them than they are to me.

Are your children happy? THen that is what you say. Well we are happy. Or you can say This is the way we are raising our children.
My parents are both school teachers and my sister and I homeschool. Imagine the snide comments we get. We both just say, This is the way we choose to live. and let it be.
You are doing a great job. And one day those babies will be 18 and out ot the house. The more you love on them the more they will show it when they get older. Keep doing what you are doing.