Duty?

34. Caucasian. I don't think of sex as a duty to my husband. My Hubby and I do have a mutual agreement though. We never say no to the other when the other is in the mood! ;)

i am almost 30, white, and no i dont see it as a duty because i really enjoy it. Unless going to the beach, or taking long hot baths is also a "duty"

I think Riley's analysis of the OP's language is correct and she also (as usual) brings in some necessary historical perspective.

Jane had a lot of knocked-the-nail-on-the-head points.

That said, I do NOT *think* of sex as a duty, but often *feel* like it is (even though it's not); I have some fairly annoying/damaging sexual hangups ((blame it on my personal history/choices/upbringing, or on being socialized as a woman, or on my personality - it still is what it is, regardless of how it came to be)).

Contradicting that, I actually like sex and am a fairly sexual/provocative/passionate person. I love sex when I can let myself enjoy the act, and can let down my walls (working on that, working on that, working on that). I love being one with my vivacious sexual self. My husband is an attentive lover and I am able to communicate what feels good or what not to do. I am comfortable saying "no" or "YES" (most of the time - again, not his issue, mine).

Yet, often, I find myself seeing and interacting with sex as a one sided (his direction) street. I feel like I'm obligated to make him feel good, relax him, keep him coming back to the table for seconds, etc. It's a bit humiliating to admit, but true, and is my responsibility to work on.

In the meantime, Obligation. Duty. (Yuck). Even the words make me cringe. I want to run the other way. I get distant or pull back (physically/emotionally). The feeling of obligation, is an internal tumor, not a product of our marriage. Still, unless I am able to communicate what's going on with me REALLY well, and why am distant/removed/resentful/not into it (and he's in a place to hear it) he feels rejected and disappointed by my distance. And then I feel like he's guilting me and I feel more obligated/used/dispensable. And so the tension cycles.

My intention, is to better own and enjoy my sexuality. I want to learn how to feel sexually grounded and ON, again (I used to be much more comfortable with my own sexual nature). Not just for him, but for me. I see women who claim their own sex and I am in awe. They have something I want to have.

I do think our culture agrees (and this is a blanket statement/over simplification) that we, as women, should only be able to relate to our sexuality through our husband's sexuality/act of sex/sexual needs OR through who desires us and what we can get (stability, money, a husband) in return.

We are raised to think of sex being bad/emotionally dangerous/taboo/a tool and that we shouldn't find power or self confidence in our sexuality (power is different than manipulation and/or dominance and/or voice - though all of those are relevant in this conversation too). It is a commodity that we should save for the best/most responsible bidder, and that after we're tied to them, that we need to dole out freely (or our husband will have an affair, or won't mow the lawn, or whatever - even though all those things happen in situations where the man is getting sex regularly).

Conversely, our culture WORSHIPS sex. In fact, a woman in her sexual prime is valuable, fearsome and often a threat to women and men alike. Not really because we actually appreciate and value what she has or who she is, but because of the power/profit she holds. And, we hate/fear/demean women for having that power too. We are threatened by a women who is sexually confident. For many hetero women, she becomes an adversary, and for heterosexual men, she can represents something to be tamed and conquered. She becomes a status symbol, along with a nice car and nice home. If a women is past her sexual prime, she looses societal value. If she's smart AND sexy/sexual, we either try to pretend she isn't bright, talk about how she'll one day lose that body, or otherwise put her in a box. It's all very complicated, I think.

All I know, is I don't want to feel like sex is a duty. I want to WANT sex and feel good about myself as a sexual person. I don't want my sexuality to revolve around my husband's (or any other person, for that matter). It's a part of who I am, but really feeling that/OWNING that (at least most of the time), is a work in progress...

Ephie (age 26, first generation)

Im in my 30s and white. I don't look at it like a duty, however there are times when I'm tired or not precisely in the mood, and I still will do it. I agree with the other poster that it is a duty to make sure your partner is happy.

I am a 33 year old Caucasian, and I would never use the word duty. Sex is not only about feeling good yourself, but about letting the man you love know he is truly wanted and desired in a way he can really understand. Even when I am not in the mood, knowing how happy it makes him is enough to get me started, and he makes sure I always have a good time!

I don't think it should ever be thought of as our duty.
I will say that I think it keeps couples closer together.
I think for men that is more the glue to a marriage while for women it might be spending time together, going out to dinner, getting help around the house or with the kids.
I think a marriage needs special attention whatever that may be for BOTH parties. Not just for the men.
We should want to do things that make our mate happy or put a smile on their face AND VICE VERSA.
I am not a sex slave but I do love my husband and truth be told....when I'm just bone tired and don't want to do it...I don't. And sometimes if I might be a little tired and don't feel like doing it but I go ahead and do it because it's been quite a few days, I often find myself enjoying it. Having said that....I do not want a 2 hour marathon. Let's just enjoy having sex. It doesn't have to be every day or swinging from the chandeliers. Just some attention to your mate. :)

There is no such thing as duty sex in our household. If we BOTH want it, we do it. If not, the horny one masturbates and the other one goes to sleep. Neither of us would want the other to fake desire if s/he wasn't feeling it.

Interesting question. I don't see it as a "duty" in the sense that when my husband and I are getting along, I enjoy it. It's as much for me as it is for him and I think that ideally, that's the way it should be. But if there are times when one partner's interest is less than another, then yes, I think there is a "promise" to the other partner. If you are expecting someone to commit to you for life and forsake all other sexual partners and commit only to you, then it would be selfish to deny them that which they are, by covenant of marriage, forbidden from seeking elsewhere. That, IMO, is selfish and manipulative - you can't have me because I don't enjoy sex/I'm not in the mood/I'm tired/I feel fat/I don't like you etc., but you can't have anyone else either. It's like saying "you can only eat at home, but I won't shop or cook and you're not allowed to either, so just go hungry." Sex is a fundamental part of human relationships and a healthy life and not something that we should deny our partners without good reason (health conditions, emotional trauma, etc.). I would hope that anyone who feels "duty bound" for more than a temporary spell would work out his or her own issues so that he or she could truly enjoy sex and look forward to it.

I think everything a spouse (husband or wife) does for the other should be done with it in mind, that you are doing it for your spouse also. Therefore, it is your "duty" to keep him/her happy. Whether it be sex, picking up after yourself, taking the garbage out, etc... My "duty" as a wife is to show respect for my husband and I enjoy my "duty" very much! His "duty" as a husband is to show me respect and he enjoys his "duty" very much also. I think too many women get bent out of shape when they hear the word duty and then freak out. Women need to remember that if they want their spouses to do things for them, then they need to reciprocate.

I am 30-40 and white.

I am a 44 year old Caucasian woman that does not think having sex is my duty...we are just a horny couple. I have sex every day with my husband who is also a little bit horny too. But we do take a break when Aunt Flo is in town for 1 week out of the month. Heck I am happy he still thinks I am sexy at 40.

I'm white and 31 and for me i felt like i had to do it at least once a week or my husband would be grouchy or get it somewhere else. We are currently getting a divorced. It shouldn't be like that.

if it becomes my duty its time to get divorced. :) 43 caucausian with some indian in me.

43/African American. Duty? No. But I have given the hubby a freebie (he's feeling amorous and I'm not) many times. The funny thing is more often then not I'm glad I did because I get the "bonus" LOL!
I do agree that age has some merit in the discussion. We are surprisingly similar across cultures though.
Why do I give the freebie though? Honestly? So I can go the h*ll to sleep!! LBVS (laughing but very serious)

I agree with Riley that this was meant glibly, but I still think that it's a good question. I think that it comes from the fact that we still live in a time when women aren't _really_ supposed to enjoy sex. We teach our girl teens that boys always want it and that they should do everything they can to preserve their virginity in the face of male desires. What about female desires? Well, we tell them that "Good girls" don't give it up, it's something we have to do to make babies (and if we have sex when we don't want a baby we might be "punished" with one for the rest of our lives), female masturbation is abnormal and gross, it's an inevitable source of tension between husbands and wives, that "mother figures" are too pure to have sex, etc.

Well, I love sex! I loved it before I was married, and still do. I think that if women really learned how to make their bodies feel good they'd stop thinking of it as something that they have to do for their husbands and something that they should do for themselves.

Oh, and we should be teaching our sons that the party isn't over until everyone's gotten their cookies, if you know what I mean : ) A healthy sex life most often takes two : )

Well I am 52 and African American. I believe that many years ago sex was seen as a duty, not something that you should enjoy. I am so glad that times have changed at least in my circle of friends. I was taught the difference between sex and making love. Wives shoud be making love to their husbands and it should be enjoyed by both not just one, (the wham bam thank you mam). My grandmothers didn't talk about sex, making love, menstral cycle to their daughters. They just said nothing and that was sad. My mother thought when the doctor told her to push in the delivery room that he wanted her to move the bed. Her mother had told her nothing about having babies, and her older sisters that already had children didn't either. I am doing my best to break that cycle. I explained to my daughter before her menstral cycle what would happen. Thanks to TV and some show that shows child birth she has got that info better than I could explain. That is one of the reasons she is not interested in having sex. If making love to your husband is a duty and not something that you desire than maybe you both need to take a long look in the mirror and see what needs to change so that your mind set changes about making love.

I think when she asked that question the other day, she wasn't really referring to it as "duty". I think that is just the way she worded it. She really got slammed for it too. Did you read the other question about "Tongue - do you like it?" A lot of the women wrote in on that one like they were grossed out about it, it was germy, for teenagers, etc. What about those women? Maybe their husbands like tongue and they aren't giving it to him. Isn't that being selfish too? Just my thoughts. BTW, I am in my mid 40's and caucasion, and I'll give my hubby whatever he wants, just as he does for me.

Im the same age & race, not sure how that matters... but no I dont think its a duty at all, and find it sad that people feel that way about their partners. I love my partner & making love is part of expressing that. Im all for the union of souls etc LOL
I dont do much in life (if anything) out of duty. whats the point? put your heart in it or dont bother, is my opinion.
I wonder what the husbands who get "duty calls" feel about it, or are they awarre? do they care? it is interesting and sad.

The poster didn't mean duty as literal,it was a tongue in cheek way to express one of the aspects of a marriage and was exploring the issue when one's sex drive is higher /lower than the other.
What has culture to do with it ?
B. k

I think having good sex, on a regular basis, is part of having a close, healthy relationship with your SO. If you're not having sex, then doesn't just make you more of roommates or friends?

Frequently, when couples are not having sex, or one is not into it, or it is a forced thing, is when there are already underlying issues.

Sometime I think I know what a 18 year old boy feels like because I need sex too although I am 41 yo. This makes my husband very happy. Even if I am not in the mood initially I go along because men I believed are programmed to need it and I sure do not want to hear my husband beg...or go else where:0).

I am 30 years old, white, and my husband is also 30 and Filipino. I do not think it's a duty. I LOVE it when we have time for it. When he is home (he is away right now at police academy) it's about 3 times a week. Sometimes 4. I love making him happy and I can't imagine not doing it that much. I just love it and I love the bond that goes along with it.

I am laughing a little with some of these posts! *LAUGH* You ladies are awesome! I am 27 and white. I have never thought of it as a "duty". I love my hubby and he loves me. Of course there are times when it is just not there for me, and I am fortunate enough to have a loving respectful husband. (And there have been times where it was waaaaay the other way around, where I was the one who wanted it and he was too tired/sleep/or some such thing)

Ditto Christina N.
I didn't read ALL the responses here.

But me and my Hubby, are like what Christina N. said.
And its cool, between us.
That is no problem for us.

I don't view it as a "duty."