Has this ever happened to you? You're minding your business, relaxing or whatever and your spouse decides to clean out the garage. Suddenly, said spouse comes to you and says, 'Aren't you gonna help me?' Am I the only that gets a little annoyed with that?
Right now my husband is the backyard building this huge shed. I am a more mechanically inclined than he, so he needs my help...kind of. Sometimes I think he's being mentally lazy and doesn't want to do the figuring out of things. He bought the thing on an impulse and it needs to built, like, now. Not now, but RIGHT now. I've told him a million times I have to finish work. I said that we can do it on the weekend, but he can't wait. He's home sick from work, but just can't keep still.
My husband is a very task driven sort of person. I am a very laid back person. Everything doesn't need to be done yesterday. In his mind, there is something that needs to be done 24/7. Relaxing doesn't come easily to him. I have told him that just because you've made a decision to fix/clean/build something doesn't mean I have to do it too. If you have a plan let me know in advance and I'll help you out. Or, let me make that decision. Just don't recruit my help without really asking me.
Am I being fussy?
Thanks for the answers! Don't get me wrong now, I am not a lazy person. In fact, I remodeled our bathroom and refinished the hardwood floors in the house. BUT I did not make him help me if he was doing something else, or nothing at all! My husband is proactive (prevents things from happening) and I am reactive (fix it after it already has happened). We really do help each other. He brings me up and I bring him down a notch. It's only when we get too far into our ways that it will cause problems.
So I did have a talk with him and I explain to him that while I do not mind helping, he has to respect my time and the things I have to do, whether they are important to him or not.
Great post - and Ditto in my life
I just told my husband this weekend, he is "work work work work work work work.' That is said in an 8th note beat.
I feel guilty for sitting to read the newspaper around him sometimes. There have been many a night I declare, "I need my day to end - right now."
He respects my no - thank goodness.
When we were married, I felt like I "should" help when he did that....
But after a few years, it was obvious he really didn't "expect" me to drop what I was doing and help, so now it depends whether I do or don't, I guess...
If you're busy with work....let him go to it by himself!
Oh, ya, my husband does the same thing..........He like to cook on the weekend. Great, right? I get time off, right? NO! He's asking me a question like every two minutes - where is this, where is that, help me do this etc, etc, etc. Same thing if he's working on a project outside - have you seen such and such tool? Can you help me move this. I'm going to the store - have you seen my wallet?...my brain? (LOL!!)
God forbid what would happen if I ran away!!!!
A little fussy. My husband sounds like yours in the sense that he has a hard time relaxing and doesn't seem to understand that at 9 months pregnant, I want my night to end before 10:00. He's an engineer, so he figures it all out and gets started without needing or wanting my help.
He does, however, have a real knack for making everything a two-person job. Serioulsy... do I need to come downstairs into the basement to help you measure for moulding? No, I do not. I don't need your help unloading the dishwasher or writing thank you notes from the baby shower.
We've talked about it and I certainly don't expect him to "schedule" an appointment with me to help with projects... but geez... when I've worked a 10 hour day and finally put the day to "rest"... I really really really don't want to go hang pictures in the den! Ask me before I shower and make a cup of tea, sure thing. After? Probably going to have a 'tude about it!
My husband knows that there is no way on earth I'm going to help him clean out the garage (otherwise I'm going to expect him to help clean the house, haha). However, what drives me insane is that I'll be busy doing something important (like getting the billing done for our business, which pays our bills!) and he will interrupt 73 times for stuff that I don't need to be a part of. For instance, he will shout up the stairs: "Hon! Where do you keep the dish towels?" (WTH?) I'll tell him and then a minute later: "Hon! I looked where you said but I can't find them!" By this point my head is ready to explode, so I stop what I'm doing, go downstairs, open the cabinet (clearly labeled "dish towels" for Pete's sake!) and hand him one. I go back to figuring out the billing, and a minute later: "Hon! Where is Isabelle's jacket?" (SERIOUSLY?! How about on the hall tree, where it is EVERY DAY OF OUR LIVES?) It goes on and on and on like this. Then when I am finally done (my 2-hour task now having taken 4 hours for all the constant interruptions), he makes comments about how I'm taking away from family time being in front of the computer. Uggggggggh!
Projects are a one person job unless we ask each other first and schedule them.
My time is an important as my husbands time.. I have an ongoing list of things I would like to get done.. And my husband has his list.
Time to time we bring up.. ok, should we repair the screens next or replace the front door? The , when,, how what will we need.. how much time..
We each have our own goals, but we never take for granted the other.. we have to plan and schedule.
NO, you are not! My hubby does the same thing. I was just thinking about it last night and thought about posting on this same subject today!
My hubby always has something for me to do. I say if you think it needs to be done, you are always welcome to do it. Otherwise, I'll get to it in MY good time, not yours!
in our family/home, we call it the "royal WE". That means the person who creates the project doesn't always (hmmm, rarely) do the work alone. But that's okay....I can't help it if I am a more creative thinker than the 2 1/2 Men in the house! You, know....please!.....especially when DH's work week ends TH a.m.! Almost 4 full days to fill in with projects!
& Wow! Can I think up creative projects!
A couple of times my husband wanted to start something (cleaning the garage) when I wasn't ready for it.
So when he tried to draft me, I told him the best way I could help him right now was to stay out of his way.
"I'll be taking a bubble bath for the next few hours, Honey. Let me know how it goes!".
Sometimes I can help spontaneously (and so can he) but lack of planning does not an emergency make.
Honestly, I can see both sides of this. In my house, it's the opposite. My husband is fine to wait until whenever...or never...to do things and doesn't finish what he started. For example, the ceiling leaked above "his" desk in our family room two years ago. The stained, bubbling, peeling paint has been hanging over the space that he spends 4-6 hours a day in for two freaking years! I couldn't do the repair myself because his precious aquarium is in the same space and God forbid we disturbed the fish. Finally now that he had to complete drain the tank due to all of the fish dying of a disease he started the ceiling repair. It's been two weeks and it's only half done. Another time he randomly decided to resurface the perfectly fine concrete patio behind our back door but only did about 1/3 of it, got bored and never finished. I think it's been three years that we've had two-toned concrete.
So...try to see the upside - at least he gets things done, and when he's in over his head, recruits you to help rather than leaving things undone. There are plenty of spouses out there who do nothing at all, and some like mind who drag their feet and when they do start something, don't finish and don't ask for help. Hopefully the projects that he takes and recruits you for are things that benefit the whole family and that after each is done, even it was a major inconvenience, you can at least be glad that it is done.
OMG, are you sure you're not talking about my hubby?! He always has to be working on some kind of project. His current one is turning the garage into an extra room. So then he wants my help and I'm like Uggh, I thought this was all your idea!
yeaaaah...maybe you guys just need to get on the same page.
usually it's me that is the motivated one and has to ask for help. considering i do most of everything, i am usually pretty annoyed by the fact that i have to ask lol.
No you are not being fussy. My husband told me last night that he bought a freezer. Huh? Why? He says our freezer is full all the time so I could put stuff in it. I need a freezer to put a box of waffles?? I don't have the money all at once to fill a separate freezer. And the electric bill would go up, plus no room for it anywhere. He then told me we could put it "somewhere" in the basement and he would call and have them bring it over. Sigh. Has to be NOW versus next week or something. He does this kind of thing all the time.
If you are busy doing something else, then say so. And remind him that you are willing to help with these sorts of things if he asks you about it IN ADVANCE. But right NOW, you are _____. Then let it go.
He might be crabby, but if you don't drop everything to go help him RIGHT NOW, then maybe, just MAYBE, he'll not expect you to do so in the future....
(I know... riiiiiiighhhhhhht.....)... lol
Good luck. Yeah.. my husband does that too.
On the way home from church on Sunday he says to me: "I'm planning on doing yard work this afternoon. Are you helping?" I said, sure... So he goes out around 1:30 and takes the kids. At 1:45, he comes in and says "so are you helping?" I said "sure. I'll be out in a few minutes." At about 2:00, we are all raking leaves in the front yard and he disappears. Turns out he was starting a pile of leaves on fire. I keep raking. The kids are scooping up the piles and wheelbarrowing them over to where the burn pile is. By about 3:00, I wander over to throw a few things on the fire (starting to get sore hands, even with gloves) and he says "I'm done now." Uh..... there is a RAGING fire and a dozen piles of leaves yet to burn. And more yard left to rake. I was outside with the fire until 6:00 pm when he wanders out to ask when I am starting dinner.....
So... noo... you aren't the only one who gets a little annoyed with that. But I get more annoyed with the fact that once I do get roped into "helping" I end up left "finishing up" the bulk of it on my own. :(
No, I don't think you're being fussy. My husband does the same thing. What makes it so frustrating to me is that if I don't help, he leaves the project unfinished (although he thinks he is finished). Then I am stuck with the project.
I feel your pain :(
Your post could have been written by my husband (except that I am the more mechanically inclined). You are not being fussy. In fact you are being more than reasonable, but don't expect him to understand that. From our (the active 24/7, impulsive, can't ever relax, how can you not see that this has to happen? kind of person) perspective, your position is very hard to understand. I have to mentally talk myself down, something like: Just because you think it needs to be done now doesn't mean it does. He'll do it when he's ready, get off the man's back. The irony is that that is probably the reason we chose each other in the first place, because he helps me take a step back and I get him up and moving. I don't have a good answer for you, just lots of sympathy from the other side of the issue.
Your not being fussy. Just because it is someone else's emergency, doesn't make it YOUR emergency. Tell him if you would like me to help you with this project, I would be happy to do it on X, Y, or Z. Today will not work for me. Set the boundary and do it now before he walks all over you. It is NOT selfish to set boundaries--even with your own spouse. Its the most loving, thoughtful thing to do.
