Domineering Husb

I think this is one of the curses of the stay at home mom. It is so hard to figure out is it you or is it me. On one hand we feel we didn't earn the money because the check isn't made out to us so have we enabled their attitude. On the other hand do they actually believe that we don't earn that money as well and that drives the attitude.

I got my answer during our divorce when he straight faced said to the judge she hasn't worked in 18 years so the house and the money belong to me. Really loved when the judge said, "it says here you have four kids, are you sure you don't want to amend that statement?"

Got to love it, right?

I would go to him and say I appreciate that you support our family but your attitude makes me feel like I am not appreciated. If he is a good man it will make him think about how he projects himself. If he is like my ex he will say you just stay home and watch TV. If he is somewhere in the middle he will stew on it for a while and get back to you.

The key is not making defensive statements, then you have to own you shut down the communication.

Clear as mud?

If it were me, I would get a job, get my own income, and then get out.

Try what JoW said, and if it doesn't work, then it could be a problem. Then, What Christina said.

You might want to get some therapy for yourself. We tend to repeat the relationship issues we grew up with. You need to get help to derail that train.

The solution is simple -get a job.

You need to get a job asap and put the money in your own private safe deposit box for that rainy day.

Do you have pleasant conversations about general topics? Are you communicating about what is best for the children and does he hear your opinion about that topic? Do you discuss money and how to deal with college and retirement and budgets for food and gas and such? Do YOU feel you are not "working" every day? Do you visit to see your family as well? How old are the kids?
It certainly could be that he is a controlling s.o.b. but it could also be that he is worried about the future and for lack of communication (for whatever reason) he decided it is better to control the spending. I feel my husband and I have a great marriage and can talk about anything and everything, but he told me years later that when I first quit my job to stay home with our first child he had anxiety about making enough money to support us all, and now it was not just us anymore but we had to succeed to provide for our child. So start communicating about when bills are due and when money needs to be in the account so you can put on your accountant hat and pay them, and when need money so you can put on your cook hat and make sure there are meals for everyone, and when you need to put on your nurse hat and take the kids to the doctor and pay copays, and when you need wear your cleaning service hat since you need to buy products to keep the house clean, and when you need money to make sure you can do your laundry maid job, etc. etc. Let him know all you do and that you are not just sitting in front of the tv all day eating chocolates (unless you do that!). Perhaps when you start sharing he will share his concerns and hopefully together you can decide on a plan of spending and activities that suit everyone. But if his response is to shut you out and keep controlling then you might need to make more long ranging plans for your own happiness.

He's got an antiquated attitude, unfortunately.

You should not be "asking" for money. It's not his. It's family money. You should each have a certain amount of discretionary money that you can each spend without discussing it with the other, and the rest goes to household expenses and things you jointly decide on.

Can you discuss other things with him in a reasonable way - is it just money that is his stumbling block? Or is he domineering in other ways? Does he belittle you? Does he try to make you feel stupid? It sounds like nothing you want to do is valued - if vacation is only with his family.

The solution that some have suggested is that you get a job. Maybe. But if you don't make the same amount as he does, won't you still have the same problem? And if you make more, he won't handle it well, right?

If money is coming out of your account but he's not putting money in to cover it, and if he won't switch them to his account, it sounds like a control issue big time. Are you on both accounts? If so, switch the bills over to HIS without asking him, and then get him off your account. If both accounts are at the same bank, you can sign up for on line banking, transfer money from his account into yours, but he can't do the reverse. I know this will make him angry, but it's financially irresponsible for him to allow you to incur overdraft charges or returned check fees on FAMILY MONEY.

The problem sounds like he doesn't value what you do. There are supposed to be some great websites to calculate the costs of day care, chauffeuring, tutoring, cooking, being a personal shopper, catering for family gatherings, trip planning, taking people to medical appointments. Be sure to add up what you do, and add time & a half for weekends and double time for holidays. Factor in vacation time and sick time which you don't get. Present the whole thing to him and let him see what it would cost to replace you!

The other thing to do is to take a weekend away and leave him with his own children. Go see YOUR family or go for a ladies' weekend, anything. If you don't have the money, can you borrow it from your family? Get out of there for 48 hours and let him cope! He may have new respect for what you do.

If you don't think he's teachable, then you may have to consider whether this is a fulfilling relationship you want to stay in.

Go for counseling. If he won't go, go without him. Work it through with an objective person. Your physician can refer you to someone who accepts whatever medical insurance you have.

This situation is not sustainable the way it is. But no one can take advantage of you without your cooperation. So find a way out.

So you have no value when you are not bringing in a salary and are not an equal partner in your relationship? I'm sorry that he views your role in caring for your children as not having any value. You deserve respect. Get a job. Leave him if he still gives no respect. Let him pay all of the bills, make sure they're all in his name only. I've pretty much always worked and we always had separate accounts. Was the decision for you to stay at home your decision only, or did your husband agree that your time could better be spent at home? Did you discuss how the finances would work once you were not bringing in an income anymore? This is an important discussion to have had - two people may have very different perceptions of this. Maybe marriage counselling would help, if your husband would be willing to go. Good luck.