Does Your Man Accuse You of Being Unappreciative?

Updated on March 04, 2011
M.E. asks from Woodbridge, VA
11 answers

Hello Ladies, so my husband and I are currently in the middle of separating, but we still do things for each other. Lately, he's been buying gifts..I guess as a way to get me to stay. Good guy, but needs to grow up and so do I, I'm not perfect either. Anyways..for my bd, he gave me an ipod. I was happy about it and thanked him..I could watch movies at work. Well, it broke, so he bought me another one...this time, I started to just put music I listen to on it. Well, he tells me to let him put mustic on the ipod. I told him no thanks, I want to put the music I listen to on it. He likes rap...I like RnB. He says that's not fair because maybe he'll want to listen to music sometime and all he'll have to listen to is RnB....hold up! Wasn't this MY gift? So...now it's his ipod, he erased my original music and put his rap on there, I don't use it. He gets mad and says I'm unappreciative of the ipod. I told him he wouldn't let it be mine.
Next gift, a Dell laptop. I already have a netbook. The dell is like desk size and weighs nearly 10lbs..my netbook..the size of a piece of paper and probably 2 lbs. I told him thank you but I already have a netbook remember? He immediately got mad and said I'm not appreciative again. I told him thank you, but it's just too big, and I love my net book. Since he is going back to school, I told him to just use for his school because that's what I use mine for.
Third gift, he gives me Kem's new CD. LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that is my favorite singer. He liked that, but complained I would take that but not the other gifts. I said it's something I like and I appreciate the other gifts but he either got me something I already had or wouldn't let it be mine.
Last gift, he buys me some airmax shoes. first of all, I am not a name brand person at all. I told him thank you. He asked why aren't you trying them on, I said I will, thank you for the shoes and I also have to get use to them because honestly to me, they are ugly...I didn't tell him that though. He got upset and said who wouldn't want a pair of airmax. I told him I don't care about name brands like that, he could have just gave me a gift card to DSW. I asked him if noticed I had any name brand shoes, he said no, that's why I bought them, so you could have a pair. But I don't care about name brand, heck they just need to be cute and comfortable in my eyes. But that's about it, this one reason I have to separate, if it doesn't benefit him, then it's unacceptable. Not to mention before he stormed out of the house over the shoes, he has the nerve to say when he gets back, I better have those shoes on. Mind you, I will call the police after he's dead if he lays one hand on me and he knows that. I think he was acting out of anger, but that's a second thing, he always says mess like that and I'm tired of it, don't have time for that mess. Life is too short and my patience is gone, lol. However, my question...what's your opionion on it? I highly doubt it, but am I being ungrateful?

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So What Happened?

Hello ladies!! Thank you for all your comments, advice and opinions. It was an interesting read and I appreciate every one of your comments, some threw me for a loop though. On one note, we have been married 5 years and I've been called crazy already, but he already has a child by another woman and I do know if he does have another girlfriend on the side, she's definately not pregnant. I know this man too well, he goes in a circle. But I can safely say that's one part of the circle he hasn't repeated. I do know and wish I had realized this on earlier in the marriage, that he really isn't ready for marriage right now. I know he means well with the gifts, but there's more to him that I just don't want to deal with right now. He still lusts for that single life, in other words, trying to keep up with his single friends. True enough I am unsure about the separation, but I know it's best. I agree with those completely that said he is trying to control me. It's absolutely true because when we first married, I was fresh out of high school, my first year of college, away from my parents and he was my first boyfriend...so he had all the influence over me. If he told me to jump, heck, I'd jump. I think he misses that, so by giving the gifts, he expects that woman to come back, she is LONG GONE!! I just had to know though that I wasn't crazy in thinking I wasn't being appreciative, as some said I wasn't responding the way he wanted. I'm still going to separate for him and during that time, I've already set up counseling for myself and he said he would go for himself, but for me, I will go. Thank you all!!!!

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K.U.

answers from Detroit on

Any gifts that come with strings attached are not gifts - sounds like he is just trying to use them to manipulate you and then gets ticked off when you don't respond the way he expects. Or expects you to still share them with him, as if he was really thinking of himself when he bought them but is trying to make them look like gifts to you to get you to stay. If you are both going through a trial separation, are you trying any kind of marriage/couples counseling? I would think that would be more effective at trying to work out these issues than just trying to buy you off.

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R.M.

answers from Cumberland on

Hardly-I got a trip to Aspen, 18 ct jewelry and three furs for my separation!

3 moms found this helpful
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J.S.

answers from Washington DC on

I think you are being grateful in YOUR own way which he doesnt understand. My father in law saw gifts as showing love too. You need to talk to him about other ways to show you love and he can discuss how you can show him appreciation, and I dont mean that in a wierd way. You two are simply miscommunicating. Thats something all couples have to figure out. If thats the only issue in your relationship than definitely try to have a heart to heart with him and talk it out. If it's not the only issue in your relationship and you REALLY want to leave him than accept zero gifts from him. In his mind you'll be leading him on because by accepting gifts your accepting his love and if you dont want that than dont accept anything.

1 mom found this helpful

C.W.

answers from Las Vegas on

You are def not ungrateful... How can you be grateful for an IPOD he took back, it's not yours it's like he loaned it to you and then took it away. The laptop sounded like he was trying to suck up (cuz the separation) but didn't think it through because you already had a netbook (bigger is not always better) and the Kem CD well duh you like it, it's your fave singer (he is pretty awesome :)). The shoes that's on the fence for me. It sounds like if you don't act like a kid in the candy store he gets mad and if he is like that when your separating how does he think you'll be motivated to even get back with him? (I'm not talking about buying stuff, I'm talking about his attitude).
My ex bought me stuff when we were separated. He got my (our) daughter a lot of new clothes, me hot topic clothes (I love Gir from Invader Zim) that added to a few hundred dollars, CDs (new TI, new Nelly, and some others), he would add a few hundred more to child support each month for a while... I think it's a guy thing. Being nice through money to try and show we are worth it, but sadly to me the things he ACTED and DID himself without any money involved caused me to leave him... money wasn't going to solve it. I tried to give the stuff back but he wouldn't take it (a part of me was like hey I went through hell with him, I deserve this haha).

All in all your not being ungrateful, you said thank you but I have a computer or thank you and it seems like it wasn't enough for him... he wanted you to jump his bones that very second or jump around like a little girl because he gave you this perfect awesome gift lol.

And for your husband having the history he has of cheating and stuff I hope you will eventually divorce him... you deserve better babe.

Did you solve your child support problem with his checks (saw in an old post of yours)? If not, go to the PAC (personnel admin center) or whatever they call it on a navy base on his base and talk to an admin clerk about it (I'm a former Marine) I don't believe their systems are very different since Marines branch off Navy. They will set up an allotment so that it automatically deposits into your account before he sees his check.

I agree with Karin H :)

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K.H.

answers from Richmond on

ok, so you are divorcing him and he is suddenly buying you very expensive gifts, you want my honest been there, done that opinion ? i am willing to bet that his little girlfriend on the side ( by the way its obvious), is pregnant, and he is horrified of having to actually accept some responsibility. so he is hedging his bets, and trying to win you back, so that he can tell his pregnant girlfriend "sorry, but, i am still married" do yourself a really big favor, hire a private investigator and find out who he is seeing, this will help you in the divorce proceedings.and he is a control freak that you need to put some distance between you and him before he hurts you or your kids
K. h.

Updated

honey, you are not unappreciative you are just smart enough to know that when he gets bored with his little girlfriend on the side, he will try to come back to you. he still sees himself as a 17 year old poon hound, that is his problem, not yours. as dr. phil once said, you cant change what happened to you, but you can change your attitude toward what happened to you. if he can buy you back with gifts, he is going to treat you like he is buying "it" from you.be smart and put at least one state between you and this walking reason for birth control.. you are already doing the right thing,by getting out of the loop of bed hopping that he is doing. causally look him up in another 10-15 years, and sit back and laugh, because he will no longer be your problem.been there, done that.
K. h.

1 mom found this helpful
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N.B.

answers from Charlottesville on

He is trying to control you. You are describing my ex-boyfriend perfectly. It was hell. I mean my ex had some good qualities at first as I'm sure your husband does or you wouldn't have married him in the first place. My ex was always trying to buy my love with pricey bags, electronics, countless meals at expensive restaurants and even an elaborate vacation. A girl likes to be pampered from time to time, but it was the way he did it that was so wrong. One misstep on my part, if I didn't react the way that he expected me to he would blow up, just like the way you described your husband storming out. I see now how foolish I was and how he didn't really care for me the way he claimed to, he was just trying to manipulate me. Even after we broke up he couldn't let go, he bought me a car. Anyway, I'm not trying to make this all about me, my point is he thinks he can control you with expensive gifts and by belittling you when you don't react the way he wants you to he thinks he can make you question your own validity. Think back to the ways he has controlled and manipulated you in the past - because I can guarantee he has - he realizes he is loosing control - evidenced by you wanting to be separated - he is doing everything in his power to get you back under his control. My heart goes out to you and your children (mentioned in an earlier answer to your post), stay the course and stand your ground. You don't deserve to be treated this way.

1 mom found this helpful

K.M.

answers from Chicago on

UMMMM one word ... Communication.

1 mom found this helpful

S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

he blew it with the i-pod incident, and then compounded it. sounds like he's trying to retain some degree of control over you through gifts.
it also sounds as if, to some degree anyway, he's succeeding. recognize his actions for what they are and quit giving them so much weight.
khairete
S.

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A.N.

answers from Charlottesville on

It could be that he is simply trying to show you love in a way that is not your love language. I've just finished reading the 'Five Love Languages' by Gary Chapman, and it was an eye-opening book. We typically try to show someone love by doing things that are meaningful to us, but if that is not their love language, then they may not recognize it as the loving act we think it is.
So, maybe gifts is his love language, in which case he probably thinks that giving you gifts will help show you his love. But if your love language is acts of service, quality time, physical touch or words of affirmation, getting a gift from him is of course not going to be as meaningful to you as he thinks it should be. He may be picking up on that fact and therefore feel resentful that it is not working to win you back.

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M.P.

answers from Washington DC on

lol. It sounds to me like he's getting you gifts either 1.) for you to use together, so you won't leave or to make you feel closer so you won't leave; 2.) or gifts for you that are really in a way for him. Because the gifts are fairly personal -- I'm betting on the first one, which is kind of sweet. You aren't being ungrateful -- you aren't taking the bait and that's frustrating and hurting him. I don't think he's lying to you -- I think he might not have a handle on what he's doing. He wanted to share the IPod with you and probably the computer. He wanted you to wear the shoes because they are the kind of shoes he likes and then you would feel closer. He got the CD gift right -- just for you -- but probably because he was trying to make up for the other ones...

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A.C.

answers from Columbus on

I agree with DVMMOM.

If you want to try to work this out, counseling is a good place. He definitely has issues, which sound like control issues. If you think you can try it, you might try having the 2 of you read the Five Love Languages.... It's not a fix, I think especially in this situation when there sounds like there's underlying psychological stuff going on (the manipulation, anger, etc.), but it might be really illuminating for both of you.

My FIL is somewhat like this--he uses gifts to try to make people be indebted to him, and for him, it's like keeping score.

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