Does This Not Freak You Out?!

I've been a SAHM for over 15 years. I trust my husband more than anyone else on this planet. That's just the way it is. We are a team, we are a family, we trust each other. I have no fears, I have no concerns. So, nope, it doesn't freak me out at all.

If we were to divorce I would still have 1/2 of everything, child support, alimony etc, and I still have my education and skills so that if I needed to work I could. We are all much happier with me at home now, and I am certainly not going to plan my life around the possibility of my husband divorcing me someday!

If my husband ever wanted a divorce it would cost him dearly. I would have plenty of money to live on, and he would be a broke and miserable wreck, so no, I don't worry about it at all. :-)

This question gets asked all the time. No, I do not worry. Hubby promised to always take care of me and the kids. I trust him. If I didn't, I shouldn't have married him.

We also have lots of insurance. Lots.

And no, you aren't putting more thought into it. Marriage is a leap of faith, I took it.

My husband isn't that type, so I didn't worry about it. Of all his MANY flaws (wink), that's not one of them. The only thing I had to worry about was his acting all put out because he perceived himself as overburdened, when I did everything else, other than support us financially.

(Gee I love to bi*ch about my husband on this site.)

Anyway, you should have a pretty good idea of your husband's character. It might be more likely that he gets laid off, than that he finds Cindy, age 23.

There are no guarantees in life -- make your best guess, and go for it. Anyway, what silly man would mess around on S.?

I have a PhD, a strong work background, many professional connections, numerous skills, and I work as an independent artist from my home. My husband and I have been together for 26 years, married for 14, and come from homes where our parents are still married and very committed. If I barely finished high school and got pregnant too young, then yes, maybe. But no - if anything were to happen, I'm pretty self sufficient.

I don't make decisions now because of a fear of something that could happen...might happen...may happen.

My dad did exactly what you state in your post. Yep...married my mom...had 4 kids during 21 years of marriage...she was a SAHM with no education and he found his happiness with my mom's best friend who lived next door to us. He left us and married her. Pretty crappy stuff...pretty crappy teenage years for me.

Sooo, even knowing that crazy situation first hand and knowing it devastated our lives growing up...I still choose to be a stay at home mom.

If something were to take my husband away through death or double D Cindy at the office then I would face it when it happened. But I will not live my life now and act as if it IS happening. If my husband went for Cindy...then I would take his arse to court and fight hard for everything I put into this life we made together. He knows I am a fighter...and would take him to the cleaners.

Life doesn't always turn out the way we plan..heck..we all know that. But I am not going to live as if my kids could get kidnapped at any moment, or that our house could be destroyed any moment in a California earthquake, or that my kids are going to get hooked on drugs/alcohol or my husband is leaving me for Cindy. We can't live our lives preparing and fearing all the what ifs.

If my husband walks out...we go to court..I fight for what is mine and our children's and I would get a job. Simple as that.

I know you are not joking around. I know this plagues the mind of many women. I personally don't worry about it...I live each day loving my husband and kids. I do things to cherish them and make our home happy,fun,beautiful,peaceful and relaxing. If that is not enough for him and he leaves..then so be it. I know I could go on without him. I would not crumble...and I have family and friends that would rally around us.

So how do I deal with this concern?? I don't. It isn't a concern I have. I don't worry about it all. I don't know if you are putting more thought into it than an average mom...but definitely more than this average mom :)

Oh..and I too have control over the finances. He brings home the bacon and is totally confident with me taking care of where it goes.

Life is life. Either I'll be with DH in 5 years or I won't, but whether or not I was wearing heels every day and punching a clock wouldn't matter. It would still be a punch in the gut. Now, it would be easier if DD was already in daycare and I already had a job, but I could find work FT again. If you worry about not being married, then that's a separate issue. If I were worried that my marriage was on the rocks, I wouldn't have left my job. DH has a friend whose wife came to him and said she didn't love him and HIS life was turned upside down (suddenly a single dad with custody). Or there's this guy Matt who has a blog about how in 24 hours he both became a dad and a widower. You never know where life will go. You just try to make good choices, like my DH and I investing in life insurance for me, not just him.

Bottom line is I'm a capable woman and my mother (a SAH student mom at the time) walked from an abusive marriage with next to nothing. I know that you are often more capable than you think you are.

As a stay at home mom I have zero concern about this, none at all. For starters, I don't live my life in fear of the "what ifs", I mean I could die tomorrow. LIfe it not set in stone, you can not always plan ahead, and it certainly can throw you a curve ball every now and then, like my husbands brain tumor that changed our lives in every way possible.

If my husband came to me and said he wanted a divorce then I would move on with my life. I have my education and feel confident I could find work. If I had a hard time I have a loving support system that I know for a fact would help me out until I could get back on my feet. I would not trade this time with my children out of fear of some hypothetical "what if". This time is too important to both myself and my children, and it goes by way to fast.

If my hubby ever did that, his parents would castrate him ;-) So no, I don't worry about being reliant on my husband's income. I've been out of the workforce for nearly 4 years, and will likely be out at least another 5. Divorce would never be an option for either one of us. The only thing that does concern me about is premature death. We both have good life insurance policies, and we have a supplemental disability policy, so finances aren't a worry, but the solo parenting is.

I feel totally safe trusting in my husband. Sure, he could die too. I think about that and how i'd need to get myself up and running to take care of my family. Life happens and sometimes we have to rise to very tall occasions. But I'm not going to base my decision on being the primary care taker of my children on what ifs.

Honestly, I never worried about that. I've been a SAHM for almost all of the last 13-14 years - and I was the bigger bread winner for the majority of our marriage. It was really important to both of us that I stayed home with DD. That's what worked for us and I've never been sorry. I recently went back to work PT.

The thing I WOULD worry about would be if I had a DH who didn't value what it takes to be a SAHM or one who was the type to complain if the house wasn't perfectly clean. THAT would worry me. It seems that a lot of men don't see SAHMs as contributing to the household. Luckily, DH treats me like an equal and his paycheck is our $$.

Yes, it was a thought that went through my head. I was also concerned that my husband would think he could make all the rules/decisions because he brought in all the money. He has never tried to be the "boss of me." However, I'm educated and had a great career before I quit to stay home that I believe I could reenter and work my way back up to where I was if I had to. I also know my rights, and would fully protect myself and children should divorce ever come about. It's a risk and one that has been well worth it for our family.

I'm a stay at home dad. I don't worry about this at all. To the best of my knowledge my wife never worried about it either. She knew I was totally loyal to her.

I think there are lots of thing to worry about in this life. There are many ways to be left alone. You could worry yourself into the grave before your time with worry over nothing. Get the movie Fireproof and get its companion manual, "The Love Dare" . Follow the directions in the Love Dare and you wouldn't be able to FORCE your husband to leave. Read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". He certainly won't trade his 40 in for two 20s.

Good luck to you and yours.

I ended up staying home by circumstance, not by choice. However, now I love it. My husband fully thinks of everything as ours. It Is our house, our money, etc. (I have to give him a lot of credit because if situations were reversed, I'd have a hard time thinking of the money I earned working as 100% ours). As far as divorce, affair, etc - no I don't really think about it. Do I believe it could happen? - Always. I've seen the most stable of marriages fall apart, especially when affairs are involved. However, if that were to happen, I'd be getting a huge amount of child support and alimony. I'm also college educated and am fairly certain I could find a job doing something. I also don't think much about what ifs - I'm more of a "cross that bridge when I come to it" kind of person. No reason to stress over things that may not come to pass. What a waste of time and effort.

No worries at all! I had a career before children, and I could step back into it tomorrow, if I needed to. Both of our names are on everything (house, savings/checking, investments, etc) and we contribute to my retirement fund. Plus, I'm entitled to half of his military pension now:) We started living on one income (his) the day we moved in together. Mine, when I had one, always went into savings.

My husband has always been very supportive and appreciative of the "job" I do at home.

Mamazita where do live that you know the state will make sure your husband supports you as you would like to be supported?? I t must be a great state. I was a SAHM once, too naive to object when hubby said he would take over sending the checks to pay the bills, I was busy with two little kids and a big house. I was always sure that whatever happened he would support his own children! YEA i thought I'd get lots of child support. But what he really did was stop paying all the bills, so by the time we got divorced I was responsible for half of his debts. Yea I left that marriage with two little kids, no job experience and thousands and thousands of debt. It was many, many, many years before I got any child support.
Keep a separate account, always have credit in your name alone, know where the money is going, not telling people to be paranoid, just be aware. and yes keep up some job skills if you can it was very hard for me to get back into the job market.
I'm not scared to go somewhere alone at night, I am just very aware of my surroundings.

UM, YES. I am a SAHM in a miserable marriage and completely financially dependent. I can't believe I got myself into a situation that I cannot leave and married to a man who will not change. But I'm sure most women don't have husbands like mine.

S.:

No. This has not freaked me out. Why? Because I trust my husband. If I didn't trust him, I shouldn't have married him.

We made a commitment for better or worse...we've been through some tough times in our 16 years...does that mean things might change? yeah..nothing is guaranteed.

When I was a SAHM - I didn't worry about my husband not being able to provide for us. I was not worried about my husband running off to meet some chick....

You are the bread winner of the family - right? You said you were a lawyer. You have a skill set that is often sought after. Why are you concerned? Do you not put yourself in your marriage? Are you not committed? Do you not feel your husband is committed? No. You may not always be married. Stuff happens.

Am I prepared? yeah. That's me. I don't have a slush fund or secret account - I have my skill set and savings...if my husband dies - I think his life insurance will cover us for a few years... :)

Do I think you are putting more into it? Maybe. Especially if you are questioning your marriage and your husband. If you are doing that - then maybe you have cause for concern.

You are very smart to consider all of this. I am a SAHM (and have been for years), and ever since I can remember, this very issue has been in the back of my mind. I have a B.A. degree in Liberal Arts, but I never had a career (just a lot of low paying jobs), so financially, it didn't make sense for me to work.

A few years ago, my husband got laid off, and I was petrified. Thankfully, he found another job 2 months later. It really does suck to solely rely on my husband's income. I never wanted to stay home, but like I said, I had to since daycare would have cost more than my job (which is why I recently went back to school to get my phlebotomy certification).

Your situation, however, is different. You are currently employed, and I am guessing you have a high paying career job. If you become a SAHM and something happens, like your husband gets laid off or gets laid by that 23 year old slut Cindy (LOL!), you would easily be able to get another job, b/c you have a career to fall back on!

Women like me (who do not have a high paying job/career to fall back on) would be screwed. Since your education is behind you, go ahead at stay at home if you want. You can always go back to work. To be perfectly honest, I do not enjoy staying at home - unless you enjoy playing the game, "let's see how many loads of laundry and dishes I can do today."

Personally, I am incredibly jealous of all moms who work outside the home, b/c they are earning more income for the family, which means living a nicer life and taking nicer vacations (for me, it's all about nice vacations, b/c we all need a break)! Good luck!

Even though I had no higher education it never bothered me. I figured I just had untapped resources.

As it is I did manage to get my degree quickly, made my case for the support to do it, and have since my divorce maintained the home and lifestyle I had before I divorced....with a lot less stress.

Sure I work now but it is pure delusion if a woman thinks she would continue to be a stay at home after a divorce. Those days are long gone.

Thing is though, those that choose to be a stay at home have the ability to earn, those that have to because of financial reasons, well, they have no choice do they? Who would work for 20,000 a year and pay 30,000 in day care just to stay in the workforce.

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It is kind of funny looking back, I got my degree, I have the same household income I did before the divorce, he has less. Don't cry for him, he ain't poor.

Honestly, it did freak me out for a while. But here's the deal: I've got a guy who I know very well. I know what he feels about people going outside their marriage to have their physical or emotional needs met. We were together for 6 years before we had a baby, and it's been a total of 12 come September.

He's not going anywhere. Hell, he doesn't even ever want to sell the house! I don't think too much about this-- but I do worry sometimes about the fact that we live in a place that's due for a huge earthquake and that he works across the river, downtown, and has a great chance of dying if he's there when it happens. And then-- we'll do what we have to do. I have really focused my mind to accept that this is a possibility, but I work on just being present and not worrying.

So, long answer, I think most of us wonder at uncertainties and that's probably a good thing, but I don't let *these* sorts of uncertainties determine what I do here and now, today. Were we in a dicey financial situation, I would find a job though.

It has never crossed my mind, probably because of who my husband is, but also because I refuse to live my life worrying about things that probably won't happen. My husband is military, so we are CONSTANTLY surrounded by failed marriages (usually around deployment time). So, in that sense, there's always that little reminder. However, as I said, I won't spend my time worrying about something that may or may not happen. Have to do that during deployments, too. Is it possible that he could be killed? Absolutely. If you sit around worrying about it, though, you'll go crazy. So, I try just to live day by day and only worry about the things I have some sort of control over. :) As an aside, I know I will ALWAYS be able to find work because my degree is in Applied Mathematics. So.... I'm pretty well covered IF something were ever to happen.

I think you're looking at it a little "glass half empty". I'm actually a little saddened that you're thinking about this "what if" so much and it's keeping you from something you may love, being a SAHM. It also makes me wonder if maybe it's keeping you from fully trusting and loving your husband? I'm not accusing you of not loving him, but I have found that people who worry about this sort of "what if" tend to have walls up and tend to keep people out to protect themselves. It's a slippery slope from "Life is not set in stone." to "I'm squirreling away money, just in case."

I personally don't have this as a concern, I have thought of it, but have never focused on it. As you said nothing is written in stone, but for me I'm not worried, if hell freezes over and he leave me for Nancy or Steve (it's been known to happen!) I know I can go "home". My parents will have my back and in our case, his parents may have my back too.

I think a person's perspective depends a lot on how they grew up. My father left us (for Cindy) at the same time my mom lost her job. I remember her crying, stressing about how she was going to put food on the table. He just left us high and dry. I was 6 years old and it was a lesson learned that will never leave me. She never remarried and I grew up learning to make it on my own, and never, ever completely depend on anyone else.
So, to the other side of the spectrum, I am a full time working mom. Not only do I work, but I am the breadwinner in my home, something I am very proud of. My husband is amazing and I can't imagine my life without him. However, I take great comfort in know that, no matter what happens, I can support my children and myself on my own. Sure, a SAHM can get back in the workforce, but being in the workforce myself now, I can tell you it just isn't that easy.
I think your concerns are valid. I think that for me, being a SAHM would make me feel vulnerable, like that 6 year old kid again. I never want to feel like my mom did during that time. It still breaks my heart to think about it.

I trust my husband and believe with all my heart that he is not going to stray. And the truth is I pay all the bills and handle all the finances. If you asked him today how much was in our accounts he probably couldn't tell you. So he knows good and well that if he did stray I could drain everything in a heartbeat.

I get what you mean.
That's why it's important to get an education, not an MRS degree!
Dive having a child, my husband is clearly the major breadwinner. I work PT and still contribute.
There are a lot if personal dynamics that shift when on partner becoms a SAH.
Oh--the other part of that equation is (once again) choose WISELY when choosing a mate. Too many marry Mr. Right Now, instead of waiting (and actively seeking, consciuously choosing, weeding out low character candidates) Mr. Right!

Yup. I would NEVER give up my career and ask another adult to support me. What if he became disabled or developed some really expensive and terminal disease? I have no understanding whatsoever of how people can choose not to be self supporting when the divorce rate is so high. It was different when my parents got married - a woman could expect alimony. Now - the woman is expected (reasonably in my mind) to go out and get a job. But it is WAY harder to get a professionally and financially rewarding job when you have been out of the work force.... Divorce (in the majority of cases) results in a MARKED decrease in quality of life for SAHMs and their kids.

I think some people who commented are missing the point.

I am a SAHM and left my career to be with my kids. If I was working, networking and building skills it will be completely different to be left for a 23 in 10 years or he gets laid off or dies. I completely get what you are saying. Sure I am educated and I'm able to work, but will I be as desirable to employers as someone who has been in the workforce all along?

I have a wonderful marriage and I'm grateful, yet I do bring up my fears to my husband. Not daily or monthly, but every now and then something comes up. It is mainly about what if he dies? What if he dies or if one of us has a major disability (stroke for example).

I trust my husband and believe he meant every word of our wedding vows so this was not a concern I had when I decided to stay home over 10 years ago.
Having said that, I think our marriage is much stronger than it may have been since I stay home. Since I am home I am able to take care of most household, medical, kid stuff etc. so my husband is able to concentrate on his business. I am able to take care of my kids when they are sick and go on field trips, volunteer etc. Since I am home I am easily able to maintain a very neat, clean, house so my stress level is reduce and I have the time and energy to keep my husband happy😊. This arrangement works so well for us.
To answer your question.... I think you are putting more thought into this than average. The majority of my really close friends are also SAHM and we never discussed this as a concern or fear. We also agree that we love being at home and most of us left great jobs with great company's to stay at home.

I've been a SAHM for 21 years and not once have I worried about any of that.
LBC

Yes, I freak out that my husband might develop a terrible medical problem that will not only render him unable to work, but will also accrue huge medical bills that will bankrupt us even if I go back to work full time. That's why I've never left the work force for more than a few months. I'd love to stay home, but it terrifies me. I don't know how women do it for 20 years without worrying.

That is why most SAHM's that I know have a "rainy day" fund.

Freak me out? Nope, crazy people and spiders freak me out...Decisions are decisions that do not come without risk, that is life. IF something happens I will be prepared in terms of surviving, with pain or discomfort but ready to work and keep myself and my kids alive.
I am SAHM, I do not regret it. I did everything I wanted while working, earned great money, beautiful clothes, fun happy hours, 2 wonderful careers, nice car, trips everywhere. I know how to change a pipe, a light bulb, change my car's oil, do the lawn, cook, and much more..and still I look beautiful for my husband, we have a passionate relationship, and a great conversation before going to bed. We are not perfect, but we make decisions together. "The bond that links us together is those little things that we only enjoy together as a whole: our past, our present and our future, our sad and happy moments, our kids, our wrinkles... "(he is telling me this right now that is why I wrote the sentence between quotation marks).
Do not worry be happy!

I don't think of this....

I guess I don't worry about it partly because it seems normal to me. My dad worked and my mom stayed at home until she got a part time job when I was in high school. I worked until baby #2 was born then between my 1.5 hour each way commute and my husband's travel schedule, me becoming a SAHM is what was best for our family. I feel better now that he is very well insured in case something bad happened, but even if he wasn't I think I would be able to get a good paying job and have the support of my family. I never really think about what would happen if there was a divorce. I think (I hope) we have a strong sense of trust and commitment to each other. Maybe a little naïveté on my part, too.

Like with every situation in life, there are no guarantees. A husband can come home, leave his wife for some sweet young thing whether the wife works outside the house or not. These things happen. I am a SAHM and I would lie if I said I didn't worry about things like that, as well. However, you just have to have faith and keep the lines of communication open with your husband. Also, IF you should find yourself not married after 5 or 10 yrs. being a wife/mom and need to go to work, just look at everything a SAHM does! She manages the budget, prepares healthy food, keeps a clean and (sometimes) orderly home, does accounts payable and receivable, etc....Stay at Homers have a LOT of experience to offer! :) Take a deep breath... even if I were to find myself in a "single situation", I'd never be unhappy about the time I was able to be here for little ones!....

if my husband likes cindy more i would help him pack. i didn't struggle with the decision to become a stay at home mom. i was working full time from home for years even after i had my kids. but one of my kids lost her hearing and we had a lot of obstacles to pass until we found out what happened. at that time i got depressed. i couldn't give anyone 10 per cent of me anymore let alone do a great job and be a great mom. i quit working. i quit working for my child. 5 years later she still has no hearing in one and is gearing up for another surgery. the surgeries will take one year (in phases). if the surgery is successful and she doesn't need me as much as she does now i will go back to working. i don't want to work from home anymore so i don't know if i will have problems finding a job. anyway, my husband does not have anymore privileges than i do. in fact he doesn't do a single decision, financial or otherwise without me. he knows i am smarter than him. he also knows i won't sit around and mop all day if he leaves.

I almost became a SAHM. I did briefly think about that aspect--relying solely on this other person for all of my money. However, like you, I have a great marriage and love my husband immensely. You never know what kind of misfortune the future may bring. You just have to decide what is most important right now. You can't dwell on all of the possible misfortunes that MAY or MAY NOT happen in the future. It's great to have a rainy day fund whether you are a SAHM or a full time employee. I think you just do or you don't do it. I wouldn't let the potential threat of your husband straying hinder your ability to become a SAHM if your heart is telling you that you need to be with your children. Because you know what? Your husband MAY leave you in 5 years for Cindy. OR he may stay true to you and still be gainfully employed and your marriage may still be fantastic and you have wonderful, happy children who have their mommy home in 5 years. You never know how it'll turn out. You just have to have faith that it will all work out for the best and do what your heart tells you. Life's too short to dwell on what will or will not happen.

well, i think it's actually a smart thing to consider and plan for (not cindy, but that circumstances might affect your future.)
but don't freak out about it, hon. every single choice has positives and negatives, and it's not like there aren't similar musings about staying in the workplace.
but it doesn't hurt to have contingency plans in place!
i've never NOT worked, but i'm older now and only working part-time. my skills are definitely not what today's market demands, and if i had to rely on myself again, it would be very hard.
khairete
S.

I've been a SAHM for 2 and half yrs now. I was working earlier, but not anymore. I completely trust my husband, and have faith in his commitment to me and our family. He's never complained about the fact that he is the sole bread-winner, and that we (DD and me) pile up bills on him, etc., etc. We both make all our decisions (big and small) together. And he realizes and appreciates what being an SAHM means, and that in an oblique manner, it actually keeps our expenditure low.

All said and done, I can't wait to find an opportunity to start working again.

Why? Not because I feel insecure being a SAHM. But because I crave a life outside home. A job which takes me out of the house for a few hrs each day, where I can meet other people, and do something with my other skills than just cooking, cleaning, washing, and taking care of my DD.

Money wise, I'm not sure if my working too will bring us a huge extra income, once I deduct day-care costs, cost for a 2nd car, gas, insurance, expenditure for buying more clothes and accessories and stuff a working woman would definitely need, compared to someone who's at home. It might work out to be a small net profit at the end of the day. And not to say, being a working mom is, I've heard, really tiring, unless you are miraculously lucky. :)

But I yearn to experience that. I really do. :)

I never planned on staying at home, mostly due to how I grew up. Mom was the sole supporter of my family and dad didn't work most of my adolescence (alcholic). I always said I would support myself. Worked for ten years after college, became a manager at a securities firm and my second pregnancy turned out to be twins.(See you can't plan for everything!) It was a huge decision but in the end I have faith in my husband and my marriage. I also have confidence that I can find a job if needed.