Does Not Feel like Home

Monique, first of all, where do you live? I am in Holly Springs, NC & I LOVE my community. We live in Bridgewater and it is great. If you are in this area, let me know and I can show you around.

Hi Monique,
When I moved here I made it a point to meet my neighbors. It was easy in the sense that I live in a cul de sac with a lot of kids. So, whenever everyone was out, I went out. I also joined the Indian Trails MOMS club. I made really great friends for myself and my son. We have weekly acitivities and we have a MOMS night out once a month.

Going to the library for storytime is another way to make friends. I would also look into local mommy and me's and open plays. I hope that helps
L.

amen sister! i hate sitting at home all the time too. It's hard to find adult conversation. Do you live in the Raleigh area? there are play groups around, but I always feel inferior :) I didn't grow up full time on a farm, but many members of my family had farms and they are GREAT places to play :)

There are several places in a new community that you can meet new friends. Your child's school has a PTA/PTO. You can join, attend meetings, volunteer for PTA projects, volunteer in your child's classroom, chaperone field trips.

A church home would help. You can get drive around your neighborhood and find churches. Pick out 4-5 churches and research them by looking online, calling the pastor or the church secretary. Ask if they have an active women's group. Join a church and go to lots of activities at church.

MOM's Clubs are another option. Ask your realtor if there are any mom's clubs in your neighborhood.

Another way to meet other moms is to hang out at the park with your child and talk to people.

Children's sports activities are a great way to make friends. Sign your child up for soccer or baseball this spring. We have met some of our best friends sitting in the bleachers at ballgames.

Get involved in your new community. Volunteer for a nonprofit agency, help with a community clean up day, join a political action group.

Talk to your neighbors. Tell them you just moved here and ask questions about the neighborhood. Where do they go to church? What is the closest video store? Which grocery store has the best prices? This is tougher in the winter because people are not outside as much. But watch and catch someone walking to their mailbox or getting in their car and talk to them.

Start talking to people everywhere you go--in the grocery store, at the dry cleaners, at church. Pretty soon you will have all kinds of new friends.

The key is to talk to people and then go to the next level. Ask a woman at church to meet you for lunch one day the next week. Ask a family that you sit next to in the bleachers at ballgames to come to your house to grill out after Saturday's soccer game. Ask a mom at the park if she wants to take her kid's with you to McDonald's after the park. Good luck in your new community!

We just recently moved to Knoxville, TN from MO. In MO when my children were little I joined a MOPS-Mothers Of Preschoolers program. You get to meet other Moms and your children also get to know some other children. I also feel better when I attend church services on a regular basis and become involved with church activites. As far as neighbors we live in an apartment complex. There are four units in our building, we met those three families, who have all moved out in Nov and Dec. We have not really gotten to know anyone else. It seems most of the people tend to keep to themselves. They will say hello if you pass them in the parking lot but no one has knocked on my door to welcome us to the neighborhood. Before the kids and I came my husband came and lived in a one room apartment. There were 12 units in that building. He only met two neighbors. One had a young daughter who would play on the porch area and every time my husband would come past she would say hi or ask him what he was doing. When he actually moved in she would ask what was in each box or bag the he carried. One day she asked him if he was her Daddy? His reply was no, she then asked if he could be her Daddy? Again no was the answer. Then she said well my mommy wants you to be my Daddy. My husband was so taken aback that he said he was already someone daddy and husband. After that he only saw the little girl once in a while then they moved. The other person he met lived below him and she was a grandmother who watched her grandchild during the day and did pottery as a hobby. I think the trick is to find some people who enjoy the same types of things you do and make friends. It seems that you have to be the first one to make a gesture. When I was growing up when someone new moved into our neighborhood my mom along with some of the other neighbors would go over when they were actually moving in with plates of food, pitchers of lemonade and tea and a plate of cookies or cupcakes. Introduce themselves and offer to help by either carrying boxes in or keeping the young children busy so the parents could unpack. If there were any men or teens they would help move furniture and get it positioned and put together in the house. I think people are so afraid that everyone might be a bad person that they do not want to make the first move to be friendly. Good Luck and God Bless!

I was hoping to read your other responses because I also have that feeling, especially during the winter. But since no one else has commented, I'll give my two-cents worth.

It's hard moving to a different place. Our family has moved frequently, mostly because of my own wanderlust, but I'm never able to make the connections I would like. During the spring and summer I can at least get out and feel like I'm part of the world, but the winter is awful for me. We're thinking about moving to Florida so we don't have to go through any more winters.

When my kids were little, it was even harder because that was back in the 80s and there were times when I didn't even have a car. We did make frequent trips to the library, when possible, and I used the phone sometimes to stay in touch with family and friends. Now that I have the internet, it is much easier. Kids can get on the computer too and have a little fun with it.

I'm probably not helping much, but my best advice would be to go to the library when you can, at least on the weekend, take your child to the library programs if possible, and check out lots of books and tapes for both of you. Those can help you get through these cold months. Then, when spring comes around, you can take out the stroller and go for a walk. Even if you don't go anywhere particular, it's great to get out.

Your feelings are normal. Maybe the reason you haven't had more responses is that many of us are in the same boat, and we're not sure how to help. Keep thinking spring!

Hey Monique,

Can you say "post Partum"?? It sounds like you are making some big adjustments in your life. Corporate world, to Mom! Big difference. Put that baby in a stroller and get out there... wave and talk to people. Volunteer with a program that you can take your baby with you. Go to retirement homes and let them love on that sweet thing. You will be rewarded and everyone will feel the love!!!

I have kind of a funny experience. I am challenged in the making friends department as well, especially with so many moves in 9 years of marriage. I am kind of shy to begin with, and people here (Jacksonville, NC) seem to have their comfy groups. Anyway, I am on the www.freecycle.org group, where people offer items that they might otherwise trash or donate to goodwill. Then people who are interested in taking it respond, and the giver chooses one person to have it. People often ask for things on there, which sometimes gets obnoxious (i.e. I need a car, I need diapers, etc), but sometimes people ask for something you might have sitting around that you don't use/need and you're happy to give it to them.

Anyway, I've decided recently that I would like to learn to crochet. Not living near family or anyone I know that could teach me, I wanted to get a book and learn from that. I thought I'd just throw it out there on freecycle, that I would like a how-to-crochet book if anyone had one that didn't need it any more. I must have had half a dozen people offer to teach me! One was a youngish mother who I met for lunch, another is an elderly lady, and one has just started a group for young moms to get together and do crochet, etc. That was way more than I expected, but I was pleasantly surprised at how many people were also looking for friendship and crochet was the conduit.

There are lots of good ideas posted. Good luck!

Monique,

I really feel your pain. We live in Knoxville, TN currently and I moved here in 2001. We have a number of single friends, or childless friends, but having a child makes planning time with people without kids difficult sometimes.

We adopted our daughter when I was 38 - I am now 41. I tried joining moms groups but almost everyone was in their very early 20s and had their children naturally. I was the only one who had fertility issues and went the route of adoption. It didn't help that my daughter was a newborn too, and I worked full time while many of them were SAHMs. It was very isolating in a lot of ways.

I am now moving to Jamestown, TN and excited to say that I am going to be a SAHM for the first time. My daughter is now a little older than 2.5 and I am 11 weeks pregnant - something we didn't think possible for several years now.

I just started a moms group of my own for the area, and I'm really hoping to attract moms in similar situations with children close in age. It is a small town, much smaller than Knoxville and Nashville for certain, but my inlaws live there so I won't be a total stranger - I hope!

Anyway, just a thought for you to consider starting your own group - I went with yahoo groups to start mine, and put a notice up here under businesses to try to attract attention of other moms in the area. Maybe it would work for you in a much bigger city like Nashville. I'm sure there are a lot of other moms there like you.

Good luck girlie!

Christi

I'm not sure where you live, but I felt very welcomed in Knoxville, TN. I'm a SAHM who works part-time out of the house and have found a great support group through MOMS Club. They are an international support group organized by regionally; find out more at www.momsclub.org. Good luck!

Monique-
I agree with the response in that you may be a little postpartum. I am an older mom (38) of a two year old and have moved to the east coast after a lifetime in CA(two years before the birth of my son). I suffered from severe PPD and even after my doctor cleared me from taking meds after 10 months, I still didn't feel completely comfortable or happy in my new role as working mom. My son will be 2 this month, and for the last few months I can honestly say that I am happier. I live in a lovely town: Wilmington, NC with a wonderful local community and I try to stay active in a local mom's group thru meetup.com 99% of the moms I meet are a lot younger than me. That's just the way it is. But you know we are all moms. We love our children and that is ageless. It takes time to adjust to motherhood. Everyone does it at their own pace. Don't underestimate the ties of family. The only thing that I regret about moving to the east coast is that my son will only see his grandparents once or twice a year and bc of that lack of family support, we do not plan to have more children. Also, the west is so expensive.

Call some churches, the library or town hall, or SOMEONE and ask if there's a 'MOPS (Mothers of Pre-sehoolers)', 'Mom's day out', or play group that they know of. If you find a few other mothers, you'll probably find a new 'best friend'. Just ONE good friend in a new town can make all the difference in you feeling like you 'belong'!

I never moved from my home PROPERTY til I was 47 (and Dad was dying). We've been here for 5 years, and I still don't 'belong', but it's getting easier. Any new place is full of strangers (some 'stranger than most'! LOL), but a lot of strangers are just friends that you haven't met, yet!

God bless!

Monique,

I am sorry, there is no magic pill to be able to find a place where you feel at home. I know what you are going through. I moved here almost 3 years ago from Chicago, and I am still searching. We have friends in the complex we live in but there are no children for my daugher to play with. Having a disabled husband and a 7 year old and me having to be the one to support us, I don't have much time to find a place to socialize. You just have to keep searching. Join a mommy group, join a church go to the local YMCA anywhere you can make friends. Then you find the neighborhood you want to live in close to those you know. I am still searching too. Struggling along like the rest of the world. I am introverted until I get to know poeple so it is hard for me to make friends easily. I wish you good luck trying to find your eutopia.

E.

Growing up, I have lived and visited quite a few places. Of all the places I have been to, I am in love with where I live now! I wouldn't want to be any where eles. Rolesville, NC is a small town out side of Raleigh. It has a quite communtiy and a nice park. There is a mom group that does all sorts of fun trips with our kids... like tour petco, krispy kream, so on. It is only 15 min. away from Triangle Town Center Mall (which is very artistic and caters to moms and kids.) Hope I was helpful.

We recently moved to a new community and, when the welcome wagon didn't show up with cookies, I put a flyer in everyone's mailbox and invited them to an open house. Sometimes YOU have to be the one to reach out, hard as it is! Many didn't show, but the ones that did commented that they met more of their neighbors that day than they had in years! Other than that, I'd go with the rest of the advice to join moms groups, go to the library reading time for kids and introduce yourself to the moms with, "You know, I'm new around here. Can you recommend some things that might be fun to do around here?" You can usually sense if they might be friend-potentials! Good luck and realize all of us SAHM's have our lonely days... just get yourself out there and be the kind of neighbor you would hope to have!

You may have received too much advice already. I don't really have advice as much as empathy. We've moved 6 times in 16 years of marriage, had kids, moved them away from grandparents, tried to "break in" to new social situations and find new friends, etc. I've walked the road your on and it is difficult. I've been on the outside of mommy cliques lots of times. It sounds like you're doing all the right things - going to story time, playgroups, lunches, going to try MOPS. Let me offer hope: It will improve. Keep trying; keep doing all the right things and you'll eventually break through.
I don't think you should stay in Nashville for your extended family. Your immediate family's happiness, and especially your marriage, come first. They will put you on a guilt trip. At least move away for a couple years. If everybody knows it's temporary they'll be able to deal with it better. Then, if you love it and decide to stay, you'll already have a strong support group in place where you live and your extended family's opinions won't have as much weight.
Best Wishes!

I have no answers for you on this one. Jut wanted to say that you are not alone in looking for "home." I honestly don't know if the places we are looking for exists anymore. I am currently looking for a "Mayberry" type place to live myself. A place where you know everyone and your kids can play outside by themselves because if you are not watching them you can rest assured that everyone else in town is (and not in a bad way!!) The bad thing is that it would take alot of traveling to actually find home as you will not know it until you are actually there. So if you find any answers on how to find home, please pass them on to me as well. I am miserable in my town...but truly don't know where to go next and with the economy as it is not sure it would be any better to move at the moment. I also need a place that has decent jobs in the surrounding areas because there won't be any like that in the type of community I am looking for.
C.
____@____.com

That was what we relied on our realtor for...we picked the neighborhood that had events for families through the hoa and where at bus time, all of the moms stand on the corner to get their kids. You can also look for rec centers/pools in the neighborhoods. Another way I met friends was through my kids' schools, church, and eventually sports. We've moved 5 times since the kids have been born and I've made great friends along the way.

Hi Monique,
I just started going to the PTA and making friends there.
My neighborhood was just being built when I moved here so the neighborhood was tough.
Jen

There is a wonderful website www.meetup.com where you can find local groups of people with the same interests as you. Also, I recommend joining a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group if you have a child under the age of 5. You can find a group in your area on their website www.mops.org

I don't know if this is ever easy and some places are much harder than others. But some ideas for where you are -- look for a MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) group. Many churches have them during morning hours to give everyone a chance for adult conversation. A lot of stay-home moms I know also like the YMCA as a chance to exercise and they'll watch the baby for a small fee. Since you like the outdoors, some area also have hiking groups that get together for hikes. When your baby can take a backpack or snugli ride that could be an option too.

I can sympathize because we're new to our area and also going through this, but those are a few ideas...good luck.

I second the MOPS recommendation if you have preschoolers. We didn't move, but going from a corporate job suddenly to stay-at-home mom was a difficult transition. MOPS helped with that. Go to www.mops.org to see if there is a group near you.

You could join one of the rec centers and take the classes with your child. There are dance, music, tumbling, etc You could also enroll him/her in am other's day out. I have met so many friends in my children's preschool. I don't know hardly anyone in our neighborhood, I met most of them through my kid's school, church, just being friendly when out and about. I even met someone here on this site and we met to walk and then kept in touch. Go to any play area and just chit chat and you never know who you will meet. Join a gym, the socialization may be good for your child too. A playgroup in your area. Neighborhood's are not always great for friends anymore unfortunately. People just aren't the same and there are so many more neighborhoods now that ppl are spread all over. Maybe moving to another town in TN. Murfreesboro is great! Very busy, growing, tons of things to do, etc You would still be near family but yet in a much more poplulated area. One that has Many new moms. I am 39 and have young children and most of my friends are my age, within a few years.

good luck, keep trying! Ps/ have a garage sale, I have met several ppl in my neighborhood that way. You can even invite neighbors to join in.

Monique, I so understand what you mean...my husband is military so we move often. I have older kids so they tend to make friends in the neighborhood when the weather is nice and they can get out. Usually, to make sure the neighborhood is nice, I watch them while they are outside. Most families are outdoors so it's easy to say hello or wave as you see them.

When we choose a home to rent, we look for nice homes, on the outside, something I would feel safe living in. Go for walks when the weather permits. Say hello or wave, most people will respond. We did have some trouble in Washington, but they are not overly friendly out that way! Being back in the country area is nice. My son and I have been out walking around our new neighborhood and it's nice to see who is out and about.

You can also check and see if your neighboorhood has a monthly or bi-monthly "get to know your neighbor," gathering. Our new neighborhood is having one next month and I'm excited about going. I also have a home business so it's a great chance to network. I stay home now with my son so chatting with adults is really a blessing! I hope this helps and best of luck to you.

I know how miserable it can be to live somewhere that you are not happy. Our MOPS group has women in it who are pregnant 1st time moms all the way up to children who are in kindergarten. I really enjoy going. I have been going since my children were 6 months and 4 years. I am sad that my youngest is in kindergarten this year. I do not plan to have another baby. I could be a mentor mom, but would like to start working more hours when my daughter enters first grade and just do not know if I will have the time. We have moms of all ages in our group. We have several who waited until they were in their mid to late thirties to have children. I know that it feels strange to be the oldest mom in the group. My husband and I waited to have children and some of the moms in our MOPS group went to school with my youngest sister (I was 10 when she was born). Funny thing one of the moms that I met there - I thought she was a lot younger than me - turns out she is 9 months older than I am - her child is younger than mine too! Your son is not too young to take to MOPS. Go and enjoy yourself! I think the strangest day was the day that a friend of mine pointed out that one of the other moms is the daughter-in-law of one of our former high school classmates. Nothing to do with MOPS, but someone else thought that I was my daughter's grandmother. You never can tell.

We live in Fort Mill, Sc and love it. I'm orginally from ohio and my husband from V.A. We love it so much that after my husbands company relocated him to Pitts, P.A. we decided to keep our house here. The good news is that his boss in Pitts daughter moved to the Charlotte area and when he visit the area with her, he could see why we loved it. His company is great they decided to move us back and allow my husband to work from home. Our family was a little dissappointed because we were so much closer to them in P.A. Of course they even love to visit as well.
The thing that is really great is everyone is really friendly. Sometimes it is like I've stepped back in time. I had to get use to it when I first moved here. I'm very independent and didn't understand why the local grocer wanted to carry my groceries to the car for me. Why people that I didn't know always spoke. LOL!!! Once I had a flat tire and before AAA could get there a young man had changed it for me. Of course I was terrified and sat in the car the entire time on my cell phone with my mother which of course I pretended was the police. He didn't even get mad at me he did say that he could tell I wasn't from around here. He changed it and smiled the entire time. He even gave me his business card to give to the police and said that he could not drive past me and my child knowing we needed help that he would want someone to help his wife if she was in the same situation. Another ex. I had a baby last year and was really surprise at all of the meals that people dropped by. It touched my heart that so many people would go out of their way.
The schools are rated very high and the cost of living is wonderful. We are about ten mins from Charlotte, Nc so we get alot of inplants(people from everywhere). I honestly can't say enough wonderful things about this place. I hope this helps.