My heart goes out to you! I think it is wonderful you have gotten him to 12 years old. My daughter was a toddler when I started noticing things that triggered me that something wasn't quiet what it should be (based on 3 older children). I went seeking help not only for her but for my sanity. As your son the sock thing was her, she would only wear certain type socks - those little dressy socks that didn't absorb anything - causing her feet to stink. Her clothes had to fit just right (hers couldn't be too tight until she was a teen, then they couldn't have a wrinkle) it was and still is a major ordeal getting ready in the mornings. I felt like an awful mama but the only kind of underwear she would wear was string bikini type at age 5 and 6! At 16- and now at 19 she wears thongs - go figure that one...! Another thing was her potty training and bathroom issues... when she had to go, she had to NOW! And she went everytime...use it before we left home before we ever got 8 miles down the road she would have to go again.
Well, I say all that to say this... we found out in first few years of school, through the testing and school pyscologist and others that she is ADHD with some sensory issues. I always claimed she was borderline HD most people that were around her for short periods of time would never know she had either issue.
She has been on and off of medicine since 1st grade. We tried a year in middle school w/o meds and went back on them in 8th, and then in 11th grade she decided she didn't want to take the medicine, through a lot of hands on help and through a lot of patience she graduated and is now attending a Technical College without medication but with a few freinds helping her stay on task she is doing fairly well..she is still there!
My suggestion is pick your battles carefully and support your son in all ways to get him through school. Stay on top of him by checking with his teachers constantly, let the school know you are available but you expect him to do his work and for them to let you know when he needs to be encouraged...do not do the work for him (that is babying) you can help him read - we took turns reading a page at a time in some cases, she still can't stand to read - in fact if there is reading to be done I can almost gaurantee it won't be done. Once in high school, FCCLA and FFA helped my daughter and my youngest son find their niche.. I have said that those clubs and classes helped my children more than any of their academic classes in making choices for their future. (find him an interest in what he enjoys) My son just finished his classes for an associates degree in criminal justice and my daughter is working on her Early Childhood Education Diploma, with hopes to go into pyscology for children or social work.
Keep the IEP going, I made a mistake and didn't do this for my daughter until late in highschool...it really helps the school stay focused on your childs needs and status. This will also follow your son to college and could be a big help. My daughter can have small group and longer time for testing even now, she doesn't test well at all. In college, they are not allowed the hand holding, so it takes effort to watch her struggle, she is accomplishing her work so far and doesn't have high scores, but I'm so proud of the two B's and the fact she pulled her GPA back up from a 1.6 to a 2.4 and is back in good standing for her Hope Grant Funds.
I hope this helps. I understand what you are feeling, and their have been times when the other children say their baby sister is spoiled - she just requires a lot of hand holding without it, she would not be where she is today I'm afraid.
She has never had a big group of freinds usually one or two at the most...but only one that they each put up with each other through most days and trials.
Also, not the least important - but the most - pray for the Lord's guidance for you and for your son and you will look back one day and see His hand in all the efforts you place there.
Best Wishes...my heart and prayers go out to you and your family.
M.