Do Your Parents Deny They Are Getting Older ????

There is a thing called independence. They may not know it but they are fighting it with all they have to keep it.

It is hard to be on the sidelines and watch the decline happen. But there is not too much you can do until they admit to getting older and needing help. If you try, they will resent you for the fact that they think you think they are "old" and not capable of doing things for themselves.

Being it has been just the two of them all these years it will be hard on the one left behind. In fact the one left behind may grieve to the point that they also go. They usually don't last too long alone.

I haven't gotten to this point but I am sure one day I will be there. When that day comes, it will be hard to know that you can't do that anymore and you need outside help with things in your life.

Good luck to you. Get a few books from the library about aging and what you may be able to do to help them.

the other S.

PS My husband has gone through some difficult medical issues and he has the thought process of an 80 year old some days even though he is in his mid 60s. He also realizes that there are changes and it frustrates him that he is slower now and not able to express his thoughts as he once could. But it is was it is a part of the life cycle.

Seeing the decline of your parents is no easy task. Helping someone who doesn't want help is no easy mission either. Good for them for going out to lunch, good for them for napping. They are sticking to a routine which gets them out of the house, and they are being honest about what their bodies require.

Can you maybe contact social services and see if they would be eligible for some in home care/ support? My grandmother (who albiet had failing vision), was eligible for meals on wheels, which kept her from having to cook, and a home health aide, who would help her tidy, go shopping, and do some self care, like clipping her nails, which was challenging for her.

Do the leg work on the services thing, and if they are not eligible, see if you can get an adult companion to do something of the same ilk. Maybe you can offer it up to your parents on a three week trial basis, then, if they are unhappy with the help/ services, they can decline and go back to how things were. Most people need at least 3 weeks to embrace a change, even if its a change for the better.

As for X-mas, can you get them a taxi to the airport and a flight? Can you go to theirs instead, and stay at a hotel?

As for a scooter/ wheelchair, and your parents keeping pace with your kids, I think you need to re-think that one. Maybe your kids can keep pace with your parents. Some coloring at the table, decorating sugar cookies, taking a very slow stroll to their lunch spot, and a very slow stroll back is fine. Kids can be taught about ageing, and the differing needs and abilities of older persons. It is a good life lesson to learn early, and might save you some frustration, when its your turn to be elderly and perhaps clinging to your independence.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

Oy. No, they don't see things as they are. We have been in that situation with aging parents. For ourselves, we intend on getting our plans and will in order at 60 and maybe having a co-signer so we can't just change it willy nilly. I have been witness to terrible stuff that could have been avoided with common sense but that went out the window with age.

You need a good elder care or Estate Lawyer but you have no gaurentee that they will listen. You at least need a medical and legal power of attorney. You need to know their wishes about being on life support.

I have a friend with a mom and dad in an older home that are stubborn about moving closer. The only thing that convinced them was a serious health scare. If you could go to their doctor with them, maybe he could give them a a view they would listen to. Or help them to get some kind of mobility evaluation, at least. There is a agency on aging in your area. They could be of some help.

You can lead that horse to water but you can't make them drink. Good for you for seeing what's ahead.

I work in senior housing and I know that the aging process can be difficult. I also understand your frustration and I don't think you sound mean as someone suggested. I think you're just frustrated and that you're actually coming from a place of love because you want them to be involved in your children's life. Where exactly do they live? Maybe you could take them on a tour of a senior living community. For example, the company I work for (www.christiancare.org) has full time activity staff, the residents get 2 meals a day, we have a full time chaplain, transportation, a SeniorFit instructor and much, much more including assisted living and skilled nursing. It sounds to me like they would benefit by being active again and meeting more people their own age. It’s just a thought. If they start to become a danger to themselves, there are actions you can take. Just like child protective services, there are similar services and agencies for seniors. I wish you the best of luck!

If they cannot come to you. Go to them. Spend more time with them.

I can hear that you are trying. And thanks for the kind PM. I have no parents now and I sit and think of when I was so mean to them for little reasons (especially when they were dying).

I think its natural to have the fear of losing them and it comes out really bad in out behavior towards them at some points.

As frail as you think they are, they are still adults in full control of their mental faculties. You can't MAKE them do anything. But you can let them know you love them and are ready to help with whatever they need.

I have gone through this lots. I've had a dying FIL and my own dad has had health struggles for ages. And he's stubborn. Won't do what I think he should to improve his quality of life. But I can't force him. And he falls all the time, injures himself. My family is fairly practical, though, so we have had conversations about end of life issues, where to go, how much to do, etc. You could approach them saying you are working on your own wills and power of attorneys, decisions about the kids, etc and are wondering about their requests as they get older. That might open a conversation to these issues.

Be patient. They are still people with desires and hopes and fears.

It's really tricky, because people do age differently than others but we all have the right to live as independently as possible in the manner of our choice as we age. It's not up to you to point out the denial they're in about how poorly they're aging. That would backfire anyway.

What you could do instead is see if there are any Centers for Independent Living that are non-profit agencies, and service their region of the state. There should be a department that handles Aging in Place and VisitAbility. The CIL could put them in touch with contractors and builders that are willing to work either at a very, very reduced cost or pro-bono or volunteers to help make/keep your in-laws' home livable.

That could mean having handle bars installed in the bathtub/shower stall. It could mean converting the bath tub into a walk-in shower. It could mean installing ramps in the front and back yards. It could mean updating dangerously out of date or damaged aspects of the house structure. It could mean adjusting sinks or doorways or handles on doors or shelving. It could mean helping them move a bedroom from upstairs to downstairs.