. . . or make it worse?
My friend wants to move closer to her mother, but her husband doesn't want to. I think she has finally broke him so he gave in. She told me that after they sell their house, she's going to FL and he's staying here for six months while she works and gets everything set up...finding a job and a house, or they will move in with her mother. Mind you, this is a man who used to go through her cell phone, email, and FB and made her cut off all her friends. My friend is 37 and I think her husband is 45 or 46 and they have a son.
Her mother used to live across the street, but moved away, re-married and has a life in another state. Their marriage is a little rocky, and I said that putting that kind of pressure on a marriage that is a precarious situation may not be the best idea.
What do you think?
EDIT: Let me add a few things. Mom condones HIS behavior. In some weird way she thinks it's OK. For some reason, she allowed him to do this to her. My mother would have had a cow. Even though I'm a grown woman, it still would not have set right with her. I feel if she moves there, it will get worse. Her self-esteem is getting better, and that will be such a setback. He is NOT going to allow her to go. I think he's just saying that for now. Also, my friend has ZERO intentions of divorcing him. She really feels this while help. I've been trying to encourage her to think about herself. Not tell her to divorce, but to start taking care of herself.
I think it will prolong the inevitable--either way.....
I could never be married to a man like that. That would be the day.
Of course it won't help. Sorry, she has terrible self-esteem and is deluding herself. Unfortunately you cannot live her life, have tried to encourage her, and need to step back and let what will happen, happen. Sad, but that's all YOU can do, so decide if you will be there for her when things escalate.
I think forcing someone to do something they dont want to do would strain any relationship.
I think he's "letting" her go, because he has NO intention of ending up there with her.
Moving while your relationship is on the rocks when one partner doesn't want to is a recipe for disaster.
Tell your friend good luck.
The only thing it will help will be to give her a place to stay when they break up. Pushing a spouse to move when or where they don't want to only makes things worse. Even if he eventually says yes to the move, he will resent her for years. It's not like he is going to say, "Hey you were right, this is a nice place to live and I don't mind at all trying to find a new job, figure out where everything is in this new place, build a whole new social group (if he even cares about that sort of thing), and have YOUR mother in my face."
Re your edit - good grief - what a mother. Sounds like she is an emotional abuser too, which is probably why your friend married this loser. :(
Original:
Well, it sounds like he is an emotional abuser, cutting her off from people. Maybe they SHOULD be separated, and maybe that is what she ultimately hopes will happen. Maybe it's a good thing. And if she does move in with her mom, if he treats her like that with her mom around, hopefully mom will read him the riot act.
Dawn
I think being close to family can actually do more harm than good. This is what was told to me when my mom moved far away. This way, they have to learn to depend solely on each other and work out their problems with no interference. Good luck to your friend.
What about counseling? I'd advise her to get some for herself, regardless of whether he'll go with her.
I think secretly she may be testing the waters for divorce and I would support her if this is the case. If she wants to stay married, it is a terrible idea.
Doesn't sound promising to me at all! Actually a way out for her. Look if they are interested in working on their marriage they'd get counseling and work on their problems. I am sorry this is happening.
sounds like regardless of where they live their marriage is doomed because he is controlling and insecure. at least if they move closer to her mom she will have some support. they need counselling and he needs to get his head out of his a** if the marriage is going to work...
I don't think it will make them closer or stronger. He might begin to resent her for making him move when he didn't want to. I don't think it's right to force someone to do something they don't want to do. What about their son. She needs to think about what is best for everyone, not just herself. The grass isn't always greener on the other side, or in this case, a different state.
Changing your zip code does not erase your problems. I have seen my friends do the same thing. You can only put so many band-aids on a bad marriage! Maybe she wants to leave and thinks it will be easier if she's near her mother.
