Do You Resent Your Child's Part Time Dad?

I'm the one stuck being the 'mean parent'... I do all the 'work'... homework, learning manners, getting them to school, etc... while he gets to take them to Busch Gardens, Friendlys, Chuck E Cheese, etc... BUT... when who do the go to when they need someone? ME! They've never once wanted to call dad. It's all me baby, I'M the one who gets to raise them, I'M the one involved in their school, ME ME ME!! So no, I don't resent him at all, he might try to do fun stuff and leave the hard work to me, but I'm the one reaping ALL the benefits :)

For several years I was the stepmother on the other side. The one that was married to the one accused of getting to be the "fun Uncle" who saw the kids one weekend a month. I saw the hurt that my husband felt because his ex had moved the kids out of state, thus changing his time from 50/50 to once a month and school breaks. Yes, we did fun things with the kids. And we provided things for them in the summer that their mother refused to. And yes, we also missed out on a lot of their childhood years when they lived mainly with their mother.

You are with your son all but two nights a month? You can be both the stricter one and the cool one that takes him to the fair. You have time for both. His father doesn't. Feel sorry for your ex and enjoy the time you have with your son.

Coming from someone that is the 2nd wife married to the ex-husband and stepmom to the kids, I really appreciated the attitude that their mom had about them spending time with dad - she WANTED them to have fun when they were with dad, she WANTED them to have good memories of their time spent with him when it was so limited. She didn't want them to miss out on ball games or trips to the water park or the beach or a vacation to Disney World just because she couldn't do it herself. If she felt any twinge of resentment, she didn't show it or say it. But she recognized what was BEST FOR THE KIDS. And she tried to do fun things with them when she could. And when push came to shove, despite all that, it was their mom that the kids favored over their dad. But it may have been easier for her to have the philosophy that she had because she was the one who wanted the divorce, felt at least a little guilty for separating the kids from their dad and recognized it was her choice (however necessary or justified) to not have Dad there on a daily basis being a disciplinarian too. Until he got over the fact that the marriage was over and learned to move on (and then met me), Dad would have rather have stayed married and been able to help with discipline and all the day-to-day care rather than have just been stuck being "only a Disneyland Dad". It might have sounded like lots of fun for him, but believe me, it wasn't.

If I were you, I would try to find a way to work some fun stuff in there too. If he's only with Dad 1 night every other weekend, let it be something special - the weekends you have him, try to do some fun things too, like a movie or the zoo. Just don't try to turn into a competition - instead try to recognize how your son will benefit from the positive things he gets from both parents.

As the child of a divorce, just know that your kids will know who the real parent is. I loved my dad but I knew I was better off living with my mom. She was the one who sacrificed for me and I will always be indebted to her for that. She did not even date again until I was in college as her entire focus was on us kids.

After my dad remarried, we hated going to "visit" as we felt like we could not act like kids. It took many, many years before we felt welcome.

Don't look at what is fair or not fair. It's really all about your son right now. Just be there for him and be excited with him when he shares about his "fun" times. He will like having fun with his dad but he will always respect you for being there for him in the day-to-day.

And make eating veggies fun, get silly when you do housework together - find ways to enjoy your time together. Put loud music on when you have to do work around the house. Let him pick out the CD's. You get the idea.

Think of all you do have with your children and how little he has with his children. Of course, he is going to do fun stuff, wouldn't you? He barely gets them and is, like you said, a part-time father. His life has to really suck, let him be the fun one. Your kids will always know you are their rock....

You are not alone. I remember my mom telling me the same thing - after we were grown. My parents divorced when I was 7 (the youngest of 3 kids) and so pretty much all my memories were spending weekdays with mom, weekends with dad. My mom said it was very hard to watch us doing all the fun weekend stuff with our dad and her having to be the enforcer during the week. So are you saying that you have your son one day every weekend as well? Make it a fun time. It doesn't have to be expensive. Go to a local candy store and let him pick out a favorite treat - take a nature walk - "camp out" in the living room and stay up late watching movies. Or if there is a local fair or something coming up, just arrange it ahead of time to have your son with you that day - trade for a different day with his dad.

Parenting isn't for the feint at heart. There is no way any true parent is going to be cool or fun in the eyes of their kid. It is going to take a long time for your kid to appreciate all the hard work you are pouring into him but don't for one second continue to think the way you are thinking.

Kids who have parents that are only fun turn out a mess. They don't know anything about boundaries or limitations or restraining themselves. They tend to get into life altering for the bad situations.

So while you may not be the cool or fun parent, understand that isn't what true parenting is about and your child is better off having limitations and boundaries.

You may be able to do some fun and simple inexpensive things with your child and do that. We have a standing game night in our home and it really helps. We also have dinner together every night too.

I did feel this way for about 1.5 years following the divorce, but I also get the be the one making the majority of the decisions - don't know if that's your situations. I resented this position and was grateful, as well. I still get irritated, but feel less resentful and see much more of the positive.

BTW, you can be the cool one and the strict one. I'm the voice my daughter listens to, because I'm the disciplinarian, but I get to get goofy with my girl, know her rhythms, know exactly how to soothe, when to give her time, I know my daughter. We sing, dance, make crazy faces, but at the same time, my position is "responsible parent" and my daughter knows it.

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you're in a great position. You will have your son's trust. The cool dad is great, but a lot to make up for in the time he has and loses credibility. I'm sure you don't want it the other way around.

Yeah my ex is the spoiler, whatever really. To compete all I would have to do is spend more on my kids. Think about how much work it would be for him to compete on my level for my kids love.

Only on the surface do they appear to have it better.

Oh yeah my kids dad is "the disneyland dad". He takes them to do fun things, buys them things, ect.
I'm jealous i have no money to do fun things, plus its hard for me, bc i always have all 3 of mine including a nb. He doesnt always have the nb so he can go swimming and things like that with the 2 older girls.
It sucks.

No because I spent the majority of the time with my daughter. It was really important that we both be flexible to have her send as much time with her dad, it was best for her.

Is your ex really only available two days out of 30?? Unless he is a horrible, violent man you should find more time for them to be together. Even if it is dinner on Tuesday and Thursday nighs, they can do homework as well. Don't let his current situation with the new half sibling and honey play into this. He is your son;s father and should be more involved.

I'm not in your situation, but even in marriages, O. parent is often the 'fun' O., and the other is the 'enforcer' so I can see your point.
How sad, though, is it that he only gets to be a dad once a week? Think of it that way. Oh--and you can still be fun and 'cool' even though you have rules in your house!

I'm not divorced and I feel like this! I think some of it has to do with being the Mom vs being the Dad.