Hi Moms,
My son is 4 and he enjoys playing with his friends who are 4 and 5. He likes playing everything except Alvin and the Chipmunk dolls. This is really not an issue but his good friend LOVES his Alvin and the Chipmunk dolls and gets very upset and cries when my son doesn't want to play them. This boy will be 5 in a month. My son has told me that he doesn't like them and doesn't like the way the boy plays with them. He played them several times in the past and doesn't want to anymore. I don't make him or intervene. I think I am making the right call. If my son was older or never even tried to play a certain game I would encourage him but since he has played several times in the past and doesn't like it, I think that should be respected and the kid needs to chill out. What do you guys think?
I asked my son why he doesn't like the chipmunks. He said his friend plays too silly. They like to play other things together but this has been an issue the last 2 playdates. What I didn't like, although my son handled it well was that my son will go build or play with something else and the boy will come over and break or hit the toys my son is playing with purposefully with the dolls. I hope it will pass.
No, I don't force my kids to play if they don't want to. I always just say, "Aubrey doesn't want to play that right now. Maybe you two can find something that you both want to play."
No, I wouldn't make my son play that game. I would just tell him to politely say no thank you, and to find something else to play. Maybe you can help plan and coordinate some other activities for them so the issue of the chipmunks doesn't even come up.
When my son (who turns 5 this weekend) has this kind of issue, I always just tell him to play what he wants, as long as he's nice about it and invites his friends to join him if they want to.
I would not force my child to play in this situation. It actually sounds as if your son has given things a chance and congrats to him and you both for that. I think you're making the right call and perhaps the other child will learn that if he wants to play with those dolls that he will have to forgo playing with your son at the same time. Looking forward to an update to if you figure out what the child does with the dolls to where your son finds it unacceptable and not fun.
I think you are right on, Mom. Give the friend a space to play with Alvin, and tell your son to go ahead and do his thing, just invite the friend to come and play what he's playing when he's done.
Personally, I can't stand Alvin and the Chipmunks, so I think your son has taste. (You can blame years of their Christmas song for my aversion.) That said, it's also a hallmark of growing socially to be able to take turns choosing what to play, and it sounds like the other boy is pretty passionate with his favorite activity. If your son has played it and really doesn't like it (and the other two are playing), don't force it.
If it helps, you can ask the boys to make a list (during a non-conflict time) of things they all like doing, and then find the common activities, then introduce those as a common-ground solution.
No, I would not force my child.
I teach my kids, that they cannot, force another kid to play with them or to do the exact same thing they want to do, if the other child does not wish to.
And likewise, if they do not want to play with another child, they do not have to.
But sure, they are gracious. That is different.
Some kids are "Bullies" because they FORCE other kids to do what they want. Or they feel entitled.
I work at my kids' school.
Once there was a girl, crying at lunch. I asked her why. She said because... her friend wanted her to sit by her at lunch. Then, another girl wanted her to sit by HER at lunch. And both those girls were being a bit bossy about it and saying "she's MY friend, I want her by me..." and so forth. Now common sense knows, that this girl CANNOT possibly sit by both girls. She is one person. So then one girl says "she can sit in the middle of us..." and was smug about it. I told the 2 girls "NO- She does not want to sit by either of you. You do NOT decide where she sits. She is crying... because you are pressuring her. She already told both of you that she doesn't want to sit by either of you. She has the right to choose where she sits, she CAN tell you no, and she can sit all by herself if she wants. You cannot, force her to sit by you. If you are her friend, you will not make her feel guilty about it, nor make her cry." Then I told the girl "You can sit where you want. It is your choice. You are not doing anything wrong. You feel bad because they are making you in the middle of it all. This is not your fault. You go and sit where you want..." The girl also told me that the other 2 girls were stressing her out. I made it clear to the girls, that they cannot "control" their friend nor make her sit by them if she does not want to. And then one girl started to say how she wants this girl to play with HER at recess etc. and not with the other girl.
So then, I had to tell them NO... you cannot make her play with you. She is crying, you are making her feel awful... she can do what she wants and play with whom she wants. It is RUDE to make your friend, only play with you when she just wants to do something else.
These were 2nd grade girls.
i'm totally with you. i wouldn't make him and i wouldn't intervene. so long as your son isn't being mean about it, there's no reason NOT to let them figure it out for themselves.
too few parents allow that to happen any more.
khairete
S.
I agree, your son tried many times. I would ask him what it is he doesn't like about them and what he doesn't like about how the other boy plays with them.
Kindly introduce another thing to play for them
I would not force it, but I do wonder HOW he plays with them where he does not like it.
Couldn't agree more. No forcing of play, then it's not fun. He and his playmate need to figure out something that they both enjoy doing.
Is this at your house or the other kids? If its at your house I would just say to the mom "don't bring anything we have all the toys we need for today" or something along those lines. Or play outside and leave the dolls in the house. I have never seen the alvin and chipmonk dolls so don't know what they are exactly. action figures? stuffed dolls? could they be incorporated into the game? build them a house? order them a pizza? or just no more play dates with this kid. I didn't make mine play something they hated.
I don't forced my son to play stuff he doesn't want to and don't encourage him too anymore. I used to have the addiage of "When you have a guest over, you try to accomodate them," but I don't anymore. Times have changed as well as social attitudes. I stopped doing that when I actually saw what my son said happens now...He told me no one does that anymore. Now the attitude of kids is, "This is my house and you will play what I want to" and the parents never correct them. They think it's fine. Instead I try to ask both children to find something they like to do together. I figure they can play what they like on their own time. Sometimes, I'll even suggest something that might be more fun like playing basket ball outside or watching a movie/dvd.
I don't know if I could "make" him, but I certainly would try.
Teaching moment:
Son, everybody grows up at their own pace. While many boys play with dolls as a phase, it's a phase you've already grown out of. But that doesn't mean everyone has grown out of it. Sometimes, being a friend means playing someone else's game - even if we've already outgrown it. Friends that compromise like that so that everyone gets a chance - those are friends I keep forever.
