C.M.
I think what everyone is trying to say so far is: If you have that unique of a background, no professional is going to be able to sum it up as well as you can, with a little practice. When I apply for jobs, I create nearly a new resume every time--that emphasizes the skills that the job is looking for in conjunction with how they fit with me. It IS exhausting, intimidating, and overwhelming. But I draft and then use my friends and family as sounding boards. And I scour the net for samples and wordings (why reinvent the wheel?!)
I hope you do get some advice from someone who has used a professional and if you go that route, let us know how it worked out. Good Luck To You!