ok so i got a delema, not a real drastic, part to vent and part for WWYD, my ex mil griped me out today because i didn't tell HER about a program that was today for my daughter where she also received her second school award (i normally do but not since last spring-soft ball, and i just e-mailed her the schedule to PROVE i sent it-he doesnt' have e-mail). i texted my ex husband about it wednesday AND virbally reminded him yesterday. she asked me to let her know next time cause she could've made it after i told her about my baby's success.
1 they/he rarley (last one was 4 years ago) make it to programs, just ball games and things on the weekends, he's made ONE pt conference when she was in pre k (second now) and i've tried to schedule pt where he and i BOTH can go, and he STILL doesn't make it, because hard day at work or what ever bs reason he has. although despite he never shows up for important things like that i still give him PLENTY notice or notice as soon as i know if it's short notice because his right and baby wants him there.
mil IS used to me telling her directly, but i havn't in a while because they rarly show up as said above, and i'm tired of being his "messenger" to his family, and HIS responsibility to make sure HIS side knows; AND she never keeps me updated with programs or activities that pertain to my daughter that goes on when my daughter is with her dad and everything i've been told on his side about I'M THERE! even on small things that most are probably like huh....ok? she also does not notify me when my ex is being a jack and changes plans without notifying me because he CAN, it's his day and she KNOWS what plans we've talked about because i've told her what plans are because sometimes i have to meet up with her to make it easier for everyone....she STILL doesn't call me to say hey, did he advise you...blah blah blah
here's an example, thanksgiving/his holiday, my dad was in town and i did want to have her for a few hours because we dont' see eachother as much ne more, so he let me have her for about 3 hours. well, back in oct he agreed that i could have her for black friday for a schedule change...he went back on his word (said he never said that-guess i'll start locking texts), and even when i dropped her off thursday at his house, i told my daughter, "see you tomorrow", clearly and loud enough that HE AND his wife would hear, no one said a word to me about a change of plans they already decided, i was under the asumption that she was staying the night with his mom (no biggie can plan the meet with her, and i only wanted her for like 2 hours to go visit my dying grandparents AND he and his wife were at work)...his mom knew plans changed cause i called her friday morning, and "where's my d" o she's at blah blah blah with stepmom...i'm like wah? then wednesday he just told me...was my day and i couldn't text you or call you because blah blah blah...how long does it take to send a text or call and leave a vmail??
Then i couldn't get him to respond to phone calls, texts the rest of the week...nada until HE wanted info from me, which I QUICKLY responded to (like immediate response).
would you keep communicating with his family to make sure he doesn't "FORGET" to spread the word about activities she has on my time? or sorry, not my problem? i know it's not HER responsibility to make sure i know what's going on and what's been decided, but i figured since i have communicated so well with her in the past, it would be nice to get the same, now that i'm only telling him (knowing he tries to give the the "stupid" license as a pass-forgetting) it's like i've commited a crime
would you keep telling HER too, or just "sorry he didn't tell you"
It is his responsibility, but he is a selfish jerk so IF you want them there, you have to be the better person and put up with them. I would not phone. I would email so you don't have to listen to their responses including excuses.
If it makes your daughter happy to have grandparents there, then I say continue to notify them (All of them).
I think it depends on your relationship with her. If you have a good relationship, talk to her and let her know that you are willing to keep her in the loop if she will do the same for you, as you ex doesn't communicate. If you have an indifferent relationship, let her know that your ex gets all the information, and that he will keep her up to date with what he wants her to know.
Of course he should do it.
But, that siad, I believe you have a responsibility to your daughter to help foster that family bond with her paternal side. I think you should make every effort to include them on invitaitons, events, etc. E-mail is great - BCC everyone with an appointment attachment and leave it at that. Additionally, your daughter is old enough for you to ask her to call and ask for people to come to some of the more fun stuff.
However, I don't think his family should berate you for not doing it or overlooking them occasionally. Tell her straight out, "I really like you to be involved with Katie's stuff but I lose track sometimes, and I think you need to ask your son to keep you in the loop more too so this doesn't happen again."
As for reciprocation, you can't make people be resepectful or responisble or thoughtful. However, you can lay a few key ground rules. and you can do it in the context of "don't I always try to tell you wahat is going on?" (guilt guilt)
It's about your child. If she likes have grandma there (even if it's "only for games"), then tell them. Your anger and resentment towards your ex is prevalent in your postings, but leave him out of this. Reread your post and see if it sounds to you the way the rest of us are probably reading this... poor communication between you and your ex (another theme in your postings) that impacts your child's daily activities.
If it's important to your daughter to have her grandparents there, send the text or email. It makes you the better and more mature person. He obviously has issues with communication with all parties, so just cut him out of the loop. If you are texting him the info, just include MIL in the text.
Your ex MIL wants to be involved with your daughter- how could that be a bad thing? She asking to be kept in the loop. My advice? Be an adult and fight the right battle here, which is with your ex- not his mother.
I'm quite close with my ex's family. I KNOW my ex would never tell his family anything... So I do.
Just because you got a divorce, doesn't necessarily mean you divorced the family. But... That's my personal opinion. You can take it with a grain of salt.
Raising kids is hard enough without all the drama that sometimes comes with divorce. You are looking at a long road if you let these things bother you. How about you let your daughter call her Grandma to tell her about activities a week in advance, then a reminder the night before? Tell the dad, and if he doesn't show, it's on him. (Believe me, your daughter'll see him for who he is when she's older. Right now, your job is to make him look as good as possible to her, regardless of what he says or does.) We call this "taking the high road". Double checkplans, so they can't derail you. "Are we still on for Friday?" would've saved you the aggravation. When you do your part, you lose the guilt and anxiety because you know you're doing your best.
I typically told my ex-MIL because I knew my son's dad would not. There were times that I would tell my ex and his new wife "please be sure to let your sides of the family know" and they either would or wouldn't but they didn't show up either way. I suggest finding what works and sticking to it.
As for dad changing plans, start getting that in writing too (and it is not MIL's place to tell you of changes...you and dad need to communicate).
I would get an email address from everyone who wants to know when something is going on, and agree to send out one mass email about special events. That way they know so they can be there for your child(which is important for the child), and it takes the burden off you because it is easy to just send one mass email.
You kind of lost me with most of this.
It's obvious you have a problem with your ex. Do you have a problem with ex-MIL? It sounds like she wants to be a part of her grandchildren's lives. This is a wonderful thing and should be supported. Ex-MIL and ex-hubby are not the same person or family. They are 2 separate people. Each should be kept informed. Don't expect them to communicate with each other.
No, "sorry he didn't tell you" is not acceptable. You should inform her of important events.
Things have just gotten too confusing... what I send to Johnny, what I send to both Johnny AND you, what I send to just you, and that's not counting all the info I send out to my side, much less plans changing on Johnny's end - like Black Friday and other times when plans change but everyone else assumes someone else is going to tell me because I'm in contact with everyone, and I get left in the lurch because no one tells me... so from now on I'm just going to be sending everything to Johnny. But feel free to message me to ask me about anything you like. We LOVE it when you're involved and how much you want to be involved. It's just that from my end, I need to keep things as simple as possible, so that nothing falls through the cracks, and so that there is really clear information flow. Everything I know I'll send to Johnny and then he can disperse on his end.
My ex MIL hated my guts. I left it up to their dad to inform her.
