Do Some Kids "Fail" at Daycare?

How sad for him. To most of the world a child has no choice, they have to attend some sort of child care due to moms having to work. Kids don't fail, they just eventually adjust. If you are leaving as soon as you get there and drop them off he is learning that he can't control you by crying. If you are staying and lingering it is keeping the issue going. You must just drop him off and leave quickly.

He will be starting school in a couple of years and he won't have the option then, so doing this now is actually going to benefit him in the long run.

Honestly, they probably aren't there long enough to make a firm transition to being there.
I have to work, and my son went to day care since 3 months old for 9 hours a day 5 days a week until he was school age.
He's 12 now, a straight A gifted student, a 2nd Don black belt, 1st chair clarinet, is very popular and has not an inkling of any emotional problems. (Sounds like a book written by someone who's never had kids.)
Try increasing their time at day care.
When they see it's a fun place to be and look forward to seeing the other kids there on a regular basis - they'll have made the transition.
One month at only a few hours per week is ripping that band aid off excruciatingly slowly.

Is there a way to make it more consistent? Is it the same days and times each week? I know when I was teaching, it was really hard for the ones that were inconsistent or were only there for an hour or two once or twice a week. If this is the case...I would *try* and figure out a way not to have to take them. It is really emotionally hard when it isn't consistent. I know some moms and dads have no choice, and I A. not by any means criticizing you or your schedule. I have my mother-in-law watch my little guy now if I have to do something w/out being able to take him or his sisters. He couldn't do childcare @ all and I choose to quit my job and stay at home with him. I was lucky enough to be able to do so...and I figure it is only temporary. He will be going to "big school" before I know it! Good luck to you and your boys!

I went through something similar with my oldest daughter when she started preschool. I work full time but my girls are watched by Grandma. It was SO HARD the first week. I had to peel my daughter off my legs one of the mornings. I was worried all day and preschool was only 3 hours 4 days a week. For the first 2 weeks she wouldn't participate at all, eat her breakfast...nothing. They told me they had to hold the crayon in her hand to actually get her to participate. But, they said every day got better. I'm sure the first couple weeks, it didn't feel like that. By the end of the first month, she still was not in full participation mode. By the end of the first marking period (this preschool was part of the elementary program) they said she was just starting to open up and really participate. (3 months in) By the end of the year...quite a changed little girl. When Kindergarten started I worried we would be back to square one, but her Kindergarten teacher had no idea other than being on the quiet side, that she had any issues starting school. Even her preschool teacher commented to me a month into Kindergarten how different she had become. She had visited her and noticed.

My thing is, until you really stick it out over a few months, you'll never really know if its your child or the daycare.

You can help tremendously by not showing them your worry over their angst. Be strong, continue to take them but be sure to point out the fun things they will get to do. No matter how hard it is, make the goodbyes short and sweet. Don't stick around it will only make it worse.

I can say that 98% of all children will get used to daycare if they are in the daycare long enough. I'm not talking as much about days or weeks or months. I'm talking about HOURS and DAYS and WEEKS. When a child is there as little as your little ones are, they aren't getting the opportunity to see enough to make up their minds.

I'm sorry about the gym daycare experience. Those places are simply holding rooms. They shove them full, do nothing at all with them, can't even change a diaper for crying out loud. They are paid min. wage to try and keep them from getting hurt and that's ALL you are getting.

As far as your little one sitting sad and despondent.. He really should have been taken more often so that he can sit and watch. At first they may not be paying much attention to the other kids. But eventually while they are sitting there watching the other children they realize that the other kids are having fun.

Now...about the 2%.

If you climb back several months in my posts you would find a question I asked about some boys that were in my care. I was concerned about their behavior and their diet of MILK with strawberry or chocolate in it and nothing more. Those boys only came on Saturdays and Sundays for a few weeks. They didn't have the time to get to know us and Daddy played into their fears by staying and staying and staying. He made the drop off linger. Then he would send a relative to get them in just a few hours because he was so worried about them. By the time he had made up his mind it wasn't working he had the boys worked up to the point that one of them threw up at drop off. That was it for them. They strong armed a relative to do it again. But what's sad is that I got the impression that it wasn't much better with family. Mom was pretty forthcoming with me about some of the trials. I also heard Daddy making terrible remarks about their Aunt and I had a feeling the boys were reacting to something terrible at home. I don't think that is NORMAL.

To give you another scenario.. I have a child in my care 45 minutes per day only. She comes at nap time. She sleeps all the time she's with me. It's very rare she wakes up and if she does she wants to play. BUT, if she's half awake when she arrives she might throw up. Apparently she's been to 7 previous providers and threw up all the time at the last providers. It took 3 weeks for her to stop throwing up. She went about 3 months without throwing up at all and has been sound asleep at drop off. Then she started doing it again recently. I'm trying to coach the parents to stop feeding her large volumes of food just minutes before putting her in the car and driving her here half asleep and I want them to try and change her nap times. When mom brought her one day wide awake she waltzed right in happy as a lark and did fine the whole 45 minutes LOL.

I don't think kids fail at daycare. I think sometimes the circumstances fail the kids.

Um, your kids ages are not that young and beyond that the hours you are talking about wouldn't hurt anyone. It is the same as a night out with a sitter.

The other thing is kids that have to learn to face different situations tend to be more self-assured than those that do not so I think whatever you read is bull. Perhaps trying to make working moms feel bad about keeping a roof over their kids heads or something.

My sons cried at first but got nothing more than a smile and go have fun, walked away. Sometimes our reaction of concern over their tears has a opposite effect. Instead of thinking everything is okay and mom is just worried about my feelings it tells them there is really something to worry about because mom is getting upset as well.

My advice to you is to adopt an attitude of my boys are meeting new kids, making friends and living the life. Your change in attitude should be enough for them to open up and enjoy themselves.....hopefully. :)

I'm with Jo. It's all about your attitude & how you handle it. Some families have no choice but to put their kids in daycare, I know I didn't for several years. My son never went through this, but my daughter sure did. I gave her plenty of kisses & hugs & held my composure while in front of her. In the beginning it was really difficult for me, but I knew once I left she was fine. She kept it up every single morning I dropped her off for months & months on end, but it got so that I KNEW it was her baby-way of manipulating me (she was about 2-2 1/2 at the time).

There will be no long-term effects from this, so leave that thought alone right there. Think of how many mamas out there are forced to return to full-time work when their kids are only a few weeks old & continue that schedule for their entire childhoods. Do you honestly believe that ALL of those little boys end up with a laundry list of emotional problems??? I don't think so.

Ok, my first response is to that book you read. That is CRAZY! Separation is a normal part of life. If they don't get use to it before they start school they could be the ones in the corner crying at school. Then they will get labeled as a "cry baby" and the other kids will tease them relentlessly. Now that could cause long-term problems.

The extent of separation anxiety partially has to do with your child's personality, the rest has to do with how the adults handle it. Are you nervous or anxious about leaving him? He will pick up on that. Does the care provider make an effort to comfort him or distract him from your leaving and absense by getting him involved in some fun activity? Do the other kids try to play with him or is he isolated?

Now let me respond to getting "kicked out" of the gym's childcare. My middle son is the most social person I know. However, I had to quit working out because every time I would start my workout, he would cry inconsolably until I was called to the room. As soon as I got there he'd stop crying and play with the other kids. Once he figured out I was gone again, the crying started all over. The provider was a teenager and I guess he didn't feel secure with her. He figured out very early on that all he had to do was cry and there I'd be.

I cried all the way through kindergarten and halfway thru first grade, I missed my Mom so much, then when I graduated from college, I moved around the country (over 20 times) and now live 3000 miles from my parents. This won't help you right now, but they will overcome this and be ok.
Good luck!

Some transition is necessary. Maybe talk about what they do there, how much fun it is etc. However, if it continues, maybe the childcare isn't the right fit for them. Find one that is or try some shared childcare options with other moms.

I would give your son and the day care provider time to develop a relationship. If she is worth her salt, she will do this, but with a small child that is tender and sad, it takes time. Sometimes you have to let a child be sand, and then let him approach you.

I remember when I was teaching 1st grade I had a girl that cried for three weeks. The first day she cried all day. I had 26 other kids. Hard on her and me. Every day she cried less. But I let her find her place and let her approach other kids and me. By the end of the third week she came in with a smile. Her mother was amazed! I guessed she cried all kindergarten. Some kids just need time and gentleness.

I had another child that spilled her crayon box all over the floor every morning and water burst from every opening in her body for two weeks. Finally one morning I said to her, "What time are you going to spill your crayons today? I need to plan my day around it?" She laughed and never spilled her crayons again. Funny kid.

He's a much more dependent type at his age. If I were his homeopath I'd give him a remedy for separation anxiety. Find a homeopath who can help him.
Oregon has lots of homeopaths. Look for an experience one who sees lots of children.
Salem may have more than Albany. You can ask people or call the Naturopathic College in Portland for a recommendation.

Yes, it will get better; some kids are more fragile than others. My youngest had a hard time with daycare when we had to put him in. He started when he was a little over 1; he was so clingy to be when I picked him up and cried when I had to drop him off. I only had him in it for a month... I also tried to put him in the daycare at church during services, and he cried and cried. He was always crying when I pick him up, even when they told me he didn't cry the whole time, I think he did. I didn't think that was good for him. Last year, age 4 he started pre-school and I was so scared at first he wouldn't like it and be sad and crying, but he LOVED it... he just wasn't ready to be in a new environment prior, it just took him a little longer than some.

I had him first in a center based daycare and that was horrible (another long story) but moved him to in-house daycare with this wonderful graandmother type sitter and she was so GREAT with him. He did get a little better towards the end, we only pulled him out because daddy was back and could watch him again. I think in-house is better than most center-based daycare places. Make sure they aren't over crowded and there is a loving person caring for him. It usually takes over a month or so before they are adjusted...

Hugs going out to you... I know how bad it hurts...

Every child is different. If we could paint their emotional landscapes as pictures, every one would have different features, colors, horizons, and moods. And, of course, every adult caretaker is different, too. It sounds like your youngest is not getting whatever he needs to relax and feel comfortable from the daycare arrangement, probably through no fault of his own or the women who provide the care. That would be heartbreaking to watch.

Kids are resilient, and he will probably adjust, eventually, if that's the only choice he has. You may be able to speed the process with the help of a wonderful book called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. It relates a mom's experience helping her child who cried every time the mom left her at a summer program. The child was helped to figure out a solution that worked for her.

I have used the practical and gentle tips in this book with my grandson since he was 2.5, and A. always impressed with how well they work. You may find that your little guy is able to find ways to cope with his loneliness and anxiety with a little coaching from the experts. Wishing you both well.

This may not be realistic, but here's a potential solution.

Step 1: Stay and play with them at the childcare. Keep this up until they are happy and engaged.

Step 2: Remain in the room and read an adult book to yourself. Ignore them. If they come to you, assure them that you are here and they need to go play. You are busy. If they need help, they need to talk to the teacher. Keep this up until they are comfortably ignoring you.

Step 3: Tell them that you will be in the building, and go into a back room. Hang out with your book. They know you're there, but they can't see you, hear you, or interact with you. Keep this up until they let you go to the back room without a fuss.

Step 4: Let them know that you will be going out for a little while to do boring things. Ask them to have lots of fun for you while you're gone. Make your first outing short. Extend until you're up to the full amount of time you want childcare.

Work hard to make this better, but listen to your children. Not every child is match for every childcare. My son had a awful time at his first preschool. They weren't bad, just not a good match for him. It was 2 days a week of preschool and 5 days a week of him talking about how much he hated it. After six months of trying to make it work, things were worse than ever for him. We pulled him out. A year later, we tried him in a different program. He loved it.

Good luck!