Do People Really Assume This?

I would have laughed it off and maybe said something to the effect of "Trust me, I can tell the difference between you and Shemar Moore!"

Studies have shown that people of differing races don't notice the physical nuances that might differentiate people of the same race. It's actually quite fascinating to see.

Of course, I don't know your friend or his intentions. As a black person, I can tell you that black people are sometimes leery of any (specifically) white person who says that race doesn't matter or that it's not an issue. Unfortunately, in this country, it is ALWAYS an issue, even when not on the surface, because it's built into the fiber of the country. (I do not say that as a bad thing, even. It's just factual.)

I venture to say that if you truly believe that it has never been an issue for you, then that is because it's never been put in your face. As a white person, you have that luxury.

Responses like yours don't offend me, but they sometimes make me wonder. When I see absolutely NO resemblance, I ask the person to explain to me what they see. I'd like to try to see it, too. I know that I can sometimes see something in the eyes or jaw that strongly reminds me of another person, and that person won't see it at all. I try to give the benefit of the doubt.

If you want to clear the air, just come out and ask him. Don't say stuff like, "Race is not an issue," or "I don't think about race," or anything like that. It sounds disingenuous and kinda flippant. Like a person who says, "I don't see color." Don't try to force your way of thinking about this onto him. Be open to the fact that his story is not the same as yours and just as valid. Not that I don't believe where your heart is on this. You just have a different experience, one that allows you not to have to think about such things. For us, we'd better not forget.

My friends who are black get easily offended by that one. They assume if someone says that...it means they saw another person who was black and that is the only similarity they could "see". I think some people easily assume this and feel offended. Maybe it has happened to them one too many times. When I was working in Zimbabwe I had many black people in villages tell me it was hard to tell white people apart...that we all looked alike to them. I don't know what to say to you. Maybe you talk about race too much with this guy? Just be friends and talk about all the other stuff there is to talk about. You could say to him once...your comment really bothered me. I hope you don't think that about me.

You said that race had been mentioned only once several months ago. How would he know from this one conversation that race in some form was not an issue for you? Many people say race is not important to them but when you look at the way they live you know that it is. When showing and being concerned that others know that you're not concerned about causes me to think race is important to you. Otherwise why would you have to be sure everyone knows where you stand.

Also, I see you being concerned that he see you in a certain way instead of trying to understand how he feels. He's black and has heard over and over black people look alike. It's natural for him to be defensive. Just as you're sensitive to any reaction that implies you're race conscious he is sensitive to a statement that causes him to feel you're responding stereotypically.

I suggest you are way over thinking this. If, as you say he knows you, what does it matter when he responds one time in this way? Why do you have to prove that you aren't racist. And why can't he be human and respond in this
way on a subject sensitive to him.

I suggest you drop this and let your life show your way of thinking. When you turn this into an issue the term I think of is "me thinketh thou does protest too much" from Shakespeare. The more you try to convince him the more he's apt to feel he was right. Just let it go.

Well, it's not like you are going to mistake a black person for a white person, or an asian person for a black person... if you see a person who resembles someone you know, they will at LEAST be of the same race, right? I think it's more weird to say "hey I met somene who looks just like you! Except the white version of you."

I think, he may have been busting your chops. Or else he was being over sensitive for reasons probably unrelated to his experiences with you personally.

When I worked at a primarily african american elementary school, I was one of a handful of white staff members. I got asked by the kids all the time if the speech therapist and I were sisters. We were around the same age, height and both had brown hair. That was about it. But the other white teachers were more distinctive-looking I guess (tall blonde, red haired, what have you). The more mind-boggling phenomenon was, any time a white male stepped on campus (substitute teachers, mostly), I got asked if it was my husband. Seriously guys?

It never really bothered me, probably because they were innocent kids. What's even funnier though, at one point I got my picture taken with Terrell Owens (I met him at a wedding) and I had it up as my computer screen saver. I kept getting asked if THAT was my husband. I mean that is actually more far-fetched, that I would be married to a huge buff black dude with double diamond studs in his ears as opposed to a nerdy white substitute teacher.

Now, I work with mostly white kids and asians. Every few years I get a new batch of 350 kids, and the hardest group to learn are my Koreans. It doesn't help that they all have the same last name. Before that, there is always about 10 basic-looking brown-haired white boys that I spend half the year mixing up. I mean, there are only so many facial differences to mix and match in the world, right? I don't think there is anything overly "racial" about it.

Me? Color is a description. That's it. I know black men and women that are Conservatives....so they break that "stereo typical" mold. But I don't care about color - I care about what's on the inside.

So in YOUR case? Maybe he WANTS to be acknowledged for being black and was put off by your comments "everyone is something"...I know I would not be - because we're all part of the HUMAN RACE...doesn't matter what color you are...you ARE part of the HUMAN race...

I wouldn't push too hard. If you let it "sit" in rattling around in your brain too long, it will fester. Just get it out there. When you see him next, just tell him - you know - this has been bouncing around in my head...can I get your thoughts on this? And then proceed. But DO NOT say "your comments..." or "YOU...." as this will automatically put him on the defensive. You can say "I feel" or "I am..." but ask for his opinion...

Hope this helps.

I teach in a primarily white community college. Honestly, all the boys who sit in the back row with their caps on look alike to me. It's really hard to learn their names.

As far as your incident with this gentleman, it really sounds like he was wrong to "accuse" you of that typical stereotype. I guess he's overly sensitive about it. The problem is that when people snap back over innocent comments, then it's like you want to avoid them because you're afraid that what you say will offend them. Then you will be accused of avoiding them because of their race.

It's a catch 22...maybe you should approach him and let him know that you didn't mean or want to say anything that upset him.

People of all races and backgrounds can resemble each other. Let's face it, we all have 2 eyes, nose, mouth, etc. Eventually, two people are going to look alike.

I feel for you- I was at an event this past weekend and mistook an elderly black lady for her sister. They both are tall, thin, with the same hairstyle, they both have large, round, thick plastic-rimmed glasses, and I met the other lady for all of 30 seconds. Her daughter gave me a look like I was about as horrible as people get, but I know in my heart it was just a very easy mistake to make based on the similarity of two people who are closely related and of a similar age, no matter their race. If he seems to be bothered still the next time you talk, I would clear the air.
I was told by a Japanese (yes, from Japan, not Asian-American) friend of mine that all white, black, and brown people look alike to her and she didn't understand how people can't tell if someone is Thai or Vietnamese just by looking. It has to do with how are brains are hard wired- at one point, survival depended on our ancestors identifying their group as individuals and ANY outsiders (Celts vs. Gauls as much as white vs black) as just "other." Racism comes in when you use any small challenge in identifying individuals to justify treating a group of people like they do not have individuality and therefore lack individual rights.

Yea, people mistake me for other short heavy Hispanic women all of the time.. "Oh I am sorry, I thought you were a lady from my church"
"oh I thought you were my friends sister"

No offense taken, I just smile and say, "no worries it happens all of the time."

It is just part of it. To tell you the truth, I worry when I have not seen my niece and nephews for months at a time. I go to one of their school events and all of the kids are dressed alike and look the same to me, many times.. I start to worry I am going to grab and hug the wrong kid!

I am assuming he was joking. What you said wasn't offensive. I tend to click with people that have good sense of humor so I probably would have said "well yeah he wasn't a freckled faced red head". I have a really hard time telling black men apart so much so that I would never go up to one that I might have casually met for fear it was the wrong person. I am Hispanic and get asked what I am ALL the time. A lot of times people assume I am Native American. Doesn't offend me at all to be asked. My husband is white with long hair and a beard. We have a running joke when I see another guy with a beard and long hair I am like "look it's your brother". And he"ll tell me every white guy with a beard is not related. We're joking. I agree with the comments that brains can just be wired. I will say that you should never say things like "I don't even see color" or "we're all the same" type of things. I get what you mean and it's nice but it's super annoying and there is no need to say that. Truth is we all see color but to me racism is treating someone badly because of race or thinking someone is less deserving(entitled) because of race. And to answer your question if someone said they saw someone that looked like me yes I would assume they would be Hispanic and no I would not be offended.

My BFF is chunky with long curly hair. My daughter knows her like she is family. One day when my daughter was about 3 there was a woman in the parking lot who was chubby with long curly hair and my daughter called out my friend's name. For a second I thought it was her. Then I laughed and called her. So no, I don't think that it's a race thing. But that being said, there were similarities in body shape and hair color.

I can certainly tell one black person from another. Usually. Sometimes I make mistakes. But I make mistakes with white people, too.

Your friend shouldn't be upset. But he is. So clarify. It will make you feel better.

I have often been mistaken for other white/blonde moms at school. We DO kind of look/dress alike so it doesn't offend me.
I'm married to a Filipino. Early on when I started meeting his (many) family members my first thought was "how am I gonna keep all these people straight, they all look alike!" I thought the same thing when I first moved to California and went to a predominately Hispanic high school. They DID all look alike to me, at first.
And it goes both ways, my husband thinks most white people blend together too, especially here where they all dress in suits and ties during the week and golf clothes on the weekend.
So did your coworker make his comment in a funny way, or was he offended? I hope it was made lightly, because I think it's pretty normal to be less tuned in to the subtle facial differences in races that are different from our own.

Hmm, I've seen people get touchy like that about anything that is a particular issue for them. Could be race, age, gender, body weight, a handicap, etc. – anything that could get them picked on. It would not surprise me if your coworker was at least halfway serious, since race is something he no doubt is struggling with daily.

I believe you're sincere. I feel the same way about race. For now, I think you handled it fine. There's no way to control what other people think, but it is helpful to at least be aware of it.

Try to stay relaxed and friendly, and there may be a good opportunity to talk about this further at some point in the future. There may be things you need to hear from him, and things that might benefit him to hear from you.

In answer to your question, do I assume that race would be the reason I thought someone looked like someone else. no.

People can't place me, I am assumed to be many things including greek, italian, indian, native american, north african, arab, and all sorts of caucasian. I am alright with that. I've been told too that I look exactly like an aunt, a friend of a friend, a study hall partner, etc that someone knows, once knew.

As for indistinguishable, I had and have the hardest time with young anglo women as cast in Jane Austen and other movies. between the multiple characters, the similar dress and hairstyles, and the multiple costume changes, I have the hardest time telling who is who.

Best,
F. B.

EDIT: Yeah, you made up your mind already and read only what you cared to read. You missed my points.

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Let it go. The way you feel... that ethnicity doesn't matter and how someone looks doesn't matter and all that your statements about how you feel insinuates... those things are easy for people like us who are caucasian to say. Because that's our reality. It's called White Privilege. We have the luxury of making the comments you've made and thinking we sound enlightened. :-)

It's somewhat disingenuous and insulting, I think, to pretend you don't notice someone's skin color or ethnicity at all because you think it "doesn't matter" when for so many people their experiences don't allow them to forget that it does matter.

Even apart from that, could you describe someone down to every last detail in an emergency situation if police or emergency personnel asked you to do so? A lost child or teenager that you may have seen but didn't really notice if they matched the photo enough because ethnicity and skin color matter so little?

Except that it so pervasively does that we don't even realize when it matters. Think about Band-Aids for a minute. Really think about them.

And yes, people can be hyper-sensitive, and it can be due to their own personal experiences. They may have every legit reason to be sensitive.

In other cases people just don't uderstand phrases and language being used. I once had someone chastise me for using the phrase, "Well that's the pot calling the kettle black" thinking it was racist. I had to explain that people used to use simple black teapots for serving tea, and to heat and make the tea they would use a black tea kettle. The person who is the teapot is criticizing the person who is the kettle, but the teapot is guilty of the very thing they're criticizing the kettle for, aka the teapot is a hypocrite.

I hope you don't count that particular coworker as a close friend, because I don't believe he counts you as one. I'm sure he finds you friendly, but is cautious with you because there's not enough sameness. He can't possibly know how genuine you are. Even if you told him that your lifelong best friend has dark skin, he'll think you're using the stereotypical line that racists use to prove they're not racists. The only way to prove you're not a racist is to just not be one and not react or engage in the arguments. Just be reassuring. At the time it occurred I might have said, "I'm sorry for the way I initially phrased that. I'm so embarrassed. Do you forgive me?"

Because I'll be honest, I've stuck my foot in my mouth a few times with coworkers not realizing that something I said was insensitive culturally. I could tell only when I caught a facial expression or body language and followed up on it right away. I've used that phrase I suggested to you.

And for what it's worth, people do the same thing constantly regarding people with disabilities like me with my chronic pain disorder or like my daughter who has Autism, or like any of my coworkers who have various disabilities or my consumers at work who have every disability you can think of. People who don't have disabilities and don't know someone closely that has one or more disabilities simply don't have it on their radar that they need to be sensitive and aware. There's a privilege and luxury of not having to think about it as important, because it's not their personal experience.

Perhaps he had something else bothering him. If he knows you well, I would imagine that he doesn't think that you thought someone looked like him JUST because they're black. Lots of folks have similar features, and I've even come across some doppelgangers out there that I've mistakenly addressed by a friend's name, only to find out it wasn't them!

I'd talk with him. Let him know that you want to be sure you were clear so that there are no future misunderstandings.

I would hope that your co-worker was joking. If he wasn't joking, then you now know that he has a thin skin with regards to his race, and you'll want to be little more delicate in your dealings with him. Mildly annoying, but what else can you do?

I do believe he was messing with you!

It sounds like he was joking around with you...or taking an issue that can be sensitive to him and trying to make a joke.

I think you are over-thinking it, and you should let it go. I wouldn't bring it up again, I wouldn't worry that he sees you as a racist, and I wouldn't assume people think you think a certain way.

Honestly, the way he said what he said (based on what I'm reading) is used as a joke. My husband has said it to me before (I'm white, he's black) and my response to him is always "of course it is because you're black!" and we laugh about it. Race is still a huge issue in America today, actually made worse in the last 5 years...and we just take it all with a grain of salt in our house.

I assume he was joking.

I don't think he was kidding, I think you hit a soft spot. For what ever reason he is sensitive to that, some people are.

As for me, I was fascinated when I was told I had a clone. Perhaps if I saw her I would have said, she looks nothing like me.

I would steer clear from making any color reference to him in your coming conversations.