Do I Want to Have Another Child? Anyone Else Question This or Gone Through This

J.,

I am in a similar situation. My son is two and I always thought that at this point was when we would start on a 2nd child but... My husband eventhough is a very good father was raised that the woman does the housekeeping, childcare etc. So he has never gotten up at night, helped with feeding or changing or pretty much anything if I was there to do it. I also am self employed and have to work to help support us. With all of that I just don't know if I can handle a 2nd child. I felt guilty and selfish for a while too until a friend told me that I don't have to be superwomen and I have to think about my son. I have an obligation to provide the time and best care for him. The time may come when I change my mine but for now my son is happy, healthy, and very loved as an only child.

:) S.

Wow, how lucky they are. You do not need another child, one isplenty and they are laviushed in attention and get things you cannot afford with more children. I had 5 girls and was overwhelming for me..Joanie

Hi, J. :) I know you have already received lots of responses, but I have felt the exact same way. My son is only 11 months old, though. I absolutely love being a mom, and I am enjoying him so much....but that's not the issue. The issue is that since I am enjoying him so much, I'm afraid that having another one will jeopardize my time and enjoyment with him, ya know? Although I'm sad he's not a teeny tiny baby anymore, that time was rough and to be honest, I don't know if I wanna do that whole part over again! Everyone is telling me that it's important to have another one so he'll have someone to grow up with and play with...and I see their point. My husband was an only child and said that he was very lonely most of the time, so he thinks we should eventually have another one. We will probably wait a couple of years before trying again, though. Decisions, decisions..... :)

Hi. I am an only child. I am now 32 years old and I still feel a bit lost in life. I have not had a sibling to confide in. My parents are getting older and my father is not in that great of health. I have no one else to talk to about important decisions that someday need to be made. No one else to help me when things get bad. I hate being an only child. My parents were very selfish and they now admit that. They wanted me to get all of the attention and love and now I am the one left with thier decision. I am a very selfish person. I dont like to share and I like the spotlight on me. I was #1 all my life and now that I am married and have children of my own it is hard. My husband and I fight constantly. ( he has 3 siblings) He says I am too controlling and I think only of myself. I agree with him, sadly. I was the apple of my parents eye and I guess part of me expects that I should be the apple of everyone;s eye...especially my husband, but that is not how life is. Do your child a favor....give him a sibling that he can confide in, have fun with, fight with, play with, depend on when he gets older. I wish my parents had done that for me...

Hi J.! I am a SAHM to 3 kids who are rather spaced apart. And I am the younger of 2..my brother and I are 6 1/2 years apart. As a sibling, it really hasn't mattered to me that my brother is so much older than me. We have nothing in common anyway...I don't know that the age difference really mattered. We just are very different. I still love him because he is my brother...I just don't always like him. :-)

As a mom....my kids are 10, 7, and 2. After my first, I knew I still wanted at least one more...but I had those same feelings about the diaper bag. That's why I decided when the first was 2 that if I was going to do it, I needed to do it then or it would NEVER happen. As for the third kid...my husband and I had decided together we were done. Two was enough! We had 2 girls and would have liked a boy but they were so good and independent...we didn't want to start over. Then, almost 4 years ago, my husband was diagnosed with a faulty heart valve and had to have major open heart surgery. After his recovery (and the birth of our only nephew), we decided that life was short and we both really wanted that boy so we would try again. We were blessed with our boy. However, we did have to start all over....which I HATED!!! But it ended in time and now he is big enough that we can take him do do the fun stuff too. I don't regret for one minute deciding to "start all over". My girls get along better with their little brother than they do with each other.

Point of my story...you can't KNOW whether or not your kids are going to get along with each other based on their age difference. There are so many factors that come into play...it is up to God whether or not they will like each other. But they will love each other just because they are family.

If you have any thoughts that you MIGHT want to have another kid...then you DO. Take it from someone who is DONE and has no thoughts whatsoever about having another kid....when you are truly done...YOU KNOW! Before my husbands surgery we said we were done. But we both still yearned for our boy. So we wouldn't take any steps to guarantee we couldn't have any more.

That doesn't mean that having another now is right for you. But don't seal a door that you may need to go through again.

Best of luck in making your decision. Just know that it has to be right for you and your husband. Not anyone else and not just one of you. But I doubt you will ever regret "starting all over".

T.

I am also struggling whether or not to have children (2 step kids I have had since they were 3 and 6, but to start over with babies now that they are 7 and 11?...). I don't think you should feel selfish - you know what you want and don't want. If you are only having another child for your son, then it would be a mistake, as others have said, you would be frustrated and doing it for the wrong reasons and it would not be worth it. However, if you WANT another child, then the age gap is not too big. I have a brother who is very close in age to me and we could not be closer now, but if I grew up without him, I wouldn't know the difference, so everyone copes in their own way - some could say I used him as a crutch because I didn't have to make friends because I had him, so maybe an only child would be more social and have more friends? Each situation is different, and as long as you love the one you have, that's all he really needs!

I recently went through a bit of this. My husband and I always thought we'd have at least 2 kids, and we had one child and then we moving around a lot for work and never felt it was the right time to have a second. However, now we're a bit more settled and started talking about adding to the family. I have a 4-year-old son and, like you, the thought of starting over seemed daunting in a way. I totally understand what you're thinking. We did decide to have another (I'm due in June) and we're all excited about it, but it will be an adjustment especially for my son. He's eager to help out though, which will make caring for the newborn a little easier I hope!

My mother has 5 kids, my sister (30), me (27), my other sister (24), brother (21), and the younger of us all my brother (14). As you can see the age difference between the oldest and youngest is 16 years! My youngest brother is extremely spoiled by his us. He is an uncle to 5 girls and 3 boys. The oldest is 6 and youngest is 5 months old. He is like a big brother to them. He plays with and hangs out with them. So the age difference in my case is no issue. It's actually quite fun. Before my sisters and I had kids, he was like our child. So if deide not now but later on, its ok. I have a 4 1/2 year old daughter (soon to be 5) and 2 1/2 year old son (soon to be 3) and I do want a another child but not right now. So take your time, you might change your mind in a couple of years...

me and my brother are 5 yrs apart and theres a 7 year difference between me and my lil sister.. when we was younger we didn't get along at all but now that we are older and on our own we are like best friends. my brother is older with 2 kids and it's nice to be close to him my sister is still only 15 she lives with my dad but always calls to talk to me about her problems.. so the age might be hard when they are little but once they get older age won't matter anymore.

Hi J.,

I have 3 children,, ages 16, 11, and 4, two boys and a girl. I am prego with my 4th!!!.... God decided I was to have more children, cuz birth control didnt' work, hahaha. Anyways,, they get along great for the most part. I noticed I don't have the craziness of siblings close in age fighting constantly, and they older ones help a great deal. My oldest and his girlfriend even babysit from time to time.

Pray on it,.. you'll get your answer!!

God bless,

L.

I don't think age difference is a huge concern between siblings. I am a middle child and I have a sister 5 years older and a brother 3 years younger. I have a close relationship to both. Actually my sister never thought she would want more children and she is currently pregnant with her second child. They will be 10 years apart! The nice thing about having a child who is older and more independent is they can help with some things. Your son is still pretty young right now to help much though. I say follow your heart If you don't want another one now, maybe you will later. And if you never have another child, then your son will have friends and extended family to rely on.

Hi J.,

I have 3 girls 8, 2 and 10 months old. My oldest daughter was happy she was getting a baby sister. Though they are 6 yrs apart they are not very close. I try everything to get them to bond. That usually turns into fights between them. I ahdn't planned on having a 3rd. She was a big surprise to me. I still was getting up all night with my 2nd child and was affraid of being up and down with 2. After having my 3rd it was easy at first then around her turing 4 months old it got tuff. Teething ect.... Now that my youngest is crawling and srating to walk and they all sleep throught the night most of the time, lol. It is easier. The bond my youngest two have makes it so worth wild. My oldest has bonded with the baby too. It isn't selfish in any way about how your feeling. I understand. Going places is easy right now and yes as they get older you can enjoy them and have more fun with them. I would have prefered to have my 3 yrs apart. Not 6 and 2 yrs apart. But not all of us can choose when to have them, lol. Going throught the baby stage is a big deal. You just have to sit and put on a piece of paper the pro's and con's of having another baby now or waiting a year or so. Think to yourself. Yes it is hard work for the first 6-12 months but is it worth it to yourself to do it again. There is nothing wrong with only having you 2 children and stopping and there nothing wrong with anting another. You need ot decide for your self and what would make you happy and make sure you dont give your self to much to handle and you will be fine. Hope the decision will come easier to you. God Bless you and your family!!!!

J.,
My boys are 6 years apart and they have been inseparable since the day the baby was born. Things have been a lot easier the 2nd time around. We STILL do all the fun things we did before baby. We still take trips, go to the park, go out to dinner, pretty much whatever. We either put the baby in a carrier or in a stroller. We got a backpack type diaper bag that would also attach to the stroller. Now the boys are 7 and the baby will be 1 in a couple weeks. We have another on the way, but still have lots of fun things planned. Another baby doesn't have to change the relationship you have with your older son. You could always ask him what he thinks about having a sibling. In any case, whatever decision you make WILL be the right decision for your family. Good luck!

My sister is 5 years younger than me. Growing up we went through different stages of closeness - we were always somewhat close, but at times we were closer than others. Now, I am 25 and she will be 20 in a couple weeks, we have become closer. And I imagine that when she graduates college and moves back to Baltimore (she's in North Carolina now) that we will become very close.

I think it is a personal decision on whether or not to have more than one child. Only you know what will work best for you. I am leaning towards having just one because we can completely devote everything to one child. My husband has said he would like two. We won't make that decision until after we have the first (after all, I may hate being pregnant).

Does your son have any cousins close in age? My neice and my child (when we have one) will be close in age and will be like sibblings - especially since we live in the same neighborhood. Having close family/friends can "replace" that sibbling.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

J. I have the SAME issue. My son is 3 1/2 and I recently miscarried in Janurary w/ a surprise pregnancy we didnt' see coming. I still yearn for another child, however my son has a form of autism so my odds are higher to have another child w/ the same issues.
My husband wants to be done but understands how I fee about having someone for my son when his mom and dad aren't here anymore.
YIKES, it's really scarey. How old are you? I will be 33 this year and I feel if I am gonna make that choice is to do it soon cause I really don't want to do this after 34.
It's a personal choice.
Good Luck
N.

Hi J.. I have a daughter that just turned 12 in December and I now have a 3 month old son that was born just 4 days before my daughter's birthday, but 12 years later. There aren't any children in between. I had my daughter when I was young and unmarried. Now I am married and my son is my husband's first baby. I guess there were times when I questioned whether or not I wanted to go back to diapers again, but I am so glad I did. My son brings me so much joy. And my daughter adores him. She'll be off to college when he is 6, but I still think they will be close. Of course, the decision is yours, but since you asked for advice, I thought I would reply. Good luck with either decision you make!

J.
I have 3 kids back to back. Their ages are 3,2,and almost 1. I thought that after I had my first one that was it but I realized that having more than one is a blessing, well even having one is a blessing.. And no you are not selfish, but you just need to think about it more and then do what you think is right.

J.,

I feel like i could have written your exact words a few months ago. We felt the same way and my husband was no help; he did't care either way. I would spend alot of time taking my three year old son on day trips, taking vacations, going to dinner. Well, the choice was made for us three months ago. I'm three months pregnant, but really couldn't be happier with the decision being made for us. My son and baby will have a four year age difference. I am very sick and don't spend as much time with my son but he is very excited and he will have a sibling to grow with. A few years after the baby is born, we will be enjoying life without that diaper bag again but with four of us instead of two.

Don't worry about your son being an only child, do what you feel is right. I was an only child till I was 12.5 and my daughter was an only child till she was 11.5. When the time was right I decided to have another child and now I am thinking about 1 more (the baby will be 1 in may). You follow your gut. Enjoy your son and all of the fun things your guys can do together now! It only gets better!

I am an only child. As a child, I always wanted a sibling, but as an adult, I really do not think about it. I am very close with my parents, and I worry about the day when they are no longer here, but I don't worry about not having a sibling to rely on.

My advice to you would be to go with your gut and only have another child if you AND your partner really want one. It sounds like you are content with your life right now. People say that you just know when you are finished having kids. Do you feel "complete" with your family? I think you'll know if something is missing. Or, you might not be ready yet and you will be in the future. Take some time to think and listen to your heart--you'll know. Good luck!

I have a 5 year old who will be 6 in July, and a 2 year old who wont be 3 till October. I had them spread apart because I felt one in diapers at a time was enough for me. I am also struggling with the decision of whether or not to have another one. I know EXACTLY what you mean about starting all over again, carrying a diaper bag, buying formula, buying diapers, sleepless nights. But I really want a girl, so I feel like I want to try once more, and if I dont have a girl, no big deal, but if I dont try, I will never know. I also work fulltime, so that makes the decision harder cause it would mean that many more years of paying child care. But then I think about how quickly the time flies by when they are little, and though it doesnt seem that way when you are in the midst of it, it really does. As far as the age difference, my boys play great together. OF course they have their spats every now and then, but for the most part, they are close and just love each other so much. I also say it is something only you can know. Good luck as you make a decision!

Hi. It doesn't make you selfish. If your happy with the kids you got & really don't want another there is nothing wrong with that. I had one kid for 12 yrs before we had another one. I wish we had our second child sooner but it just did work out that why. I can understand you don't want to carry around a diaper bag & all again. I feel my son (he is the oldest) & daughter get along just fine. They might not be close in age but they are close as brother & sister. If your not ready or don't want any more kids you don't have too beacuse you wanted 3. You can change your mind. I hope I helped some.
C.

I'm going through the same thing (my son is 3) and I'm pretty sure I don't want another child. I know what you mean about feeling selfish and worrying that they won't be close b/c of the age difference - I feel like that too. But as an only child myself, I can honestly say that I wouldn't have changed it. I really loved being an only and I was and am extremly close to my parents (now it just my mom, we lost my dad 3 years ago). I don't remember ever being lonley but I do remember all my friend fighting w/ or getting picked on by their siblings and it never looked like fun to me. I know there are many positive things about being an only but I can understand why it's a hard choice. We have so many friends and family telling us we HAVE to have aother child but I really think it's about what you and your husband want - your child will grow up happy w/ or w/o siblings as long as he has all your love!

I have an older brother (18 months), younger brother (3 yrs), and younger sister (10 yrs). My younger brother and I got along growing up. The age difference between my sister and I was too great and I found her to be a bit of a pain when I was 16 and she was 6. My older brother was not very nice to me growing up. I always knew that I wanted to have more than one child and have them 3 - 4 yrs apart. Having said that, when my son turned 3 I knew that we should start trying but I too didn't really want to do through the diaper bag and baby stage. My son like to camp out at the breast and was colicy for the first several months. We were debating if we wanted to do the whole thing over. Then a month after his birthday I found out that I didn't have to worry about that debate anymore, we still can't figure out how it happened (we are very careful) but I was pg again. Now I wouldn't have it any other way. Yeah I have to bring a diaper bag again, but maybe because this is the second time around it doesn't seem so bothersome. We have even continued traveling with her also. It does help that she is so calm (compared to my first). Now I am considering having a third.. that may be the result of a lack of sleep :) Big brother loves his baby sister and is much nicer to her than my big brother was to me. I just hope it continues!

J. I have a brother 4 years older than me, and a sister 4 years younger than me. Growing up none of us was close to one another. Too much of an age difference. That is until we all became adults, maybe in our early and mid twenties but we became close because of life similar experiences, as in getting married, having children etc.
I do not have strong feelings one way or another. I have never had. I think it's ok to have one child only and it's ok too to have more children. It's more of a personal preference and energy from both parents.
I have twin girls. I really really wanted a son, really wanted one, but I find myself nowadays not thinking about it. I personally could not go through another months and months of sleepless nights, doctors visits, stages of not eating, worrying sick etc. I have two and I will try to provide a good life for them.
So, what you need to do is find out why would you want more, write a list and then look at the other option and see which one you're leaning more towards to.
But there's always the possibility of unplanned pregnancy, and if that happens, the decision has been made for you.
Hope this helps a bit
vlora

If you are truly happy and content with one then stick with it. If you decide to try for another, 'just because', and it happens to turn your life upside down, then you'll most likely end up regretting it and in some ways harboring ill feelings toward it (blaming it for anything and everything that goes wrong). That would not be fair to anyone involved.

Might as well hold status quo...especially if your partner doesn't care one way or another.

By the way, I have 6 children and just miscarried a few months ago. I wouldn't give a single one of them up and I'd LOVE to have more, but I don't think life will let it happen. (my sorrow in finding that part of my life gone) My children have been hoping for more as well.

Whether it's none, 1, 2-4, or more than 5....not everyone is the same, so every answer will vary. I felt strongly about having another one every single time...if you don't then maybe you're really done. Now you just have to be happy with it.

Hello
I felt the same and had a lot of pressure from my mom an only. My daughter will be 5 days before her new sib is here. She has been asking for one for the last tweo years and the time was finally good for her. I am dreading a little the starting over and stuff, and I am scared, Katie was 12 weels early and 2 lbs and I am high risk now due to a possible clotting problem that caused the IUGR and early c-section.
I feel good b/c I waited and we decided for ourselves as well when our time was right!
Please if you do not want another do not have one, my only husband(who makes me crazy loved being an only and had no problem with us only having one):)
H.

Honestly, this is a personal decision for you. If you are not ready for a second at this point, put it on hold until you know for sure what it is you want. Don't worry about the age difference. My daughter is 4 1/2 years older than my son and couldn't love him more. Also, she is a great help with him as well because she can do more and help him with more things. With my own siblings, I was the oldest and my brother was 10 years younger than me. We have two sisters in between but that didn't mean that I wasn't just as close with my brother as with my sisters. I loved him just as much and was a big help to my mom around the house when my younger sister (7 years younger) and my brother were small. Also, as we got older, we grew even closer. When you are adults, it doesn't matter if there is 2 years, 10 years or 15 years (my mom and her sister were 15 years apart). Friendship and love cross the age difference and you can find you have a lot of things in common regardless of the age difference, especially when you have people in common that you love (parents, siblings, children, etc.). At the same time, I have a few friends and a cousin who were only children and a niece who will be an only child. They are not any less loved. I don't know about your extended family but for my cousin, she had the best of both worlds. She was an only child at home who was a little spoiled but also had the support of siblings in a lot of ways from her cousins. She is the same age as my brother and she, my brother and my sister went through grade school and high school being not just cousins but very good friends. My niece will be an only child because of the many complications her mother endured to have her in the first place. She is loved greatly. As she grows, she will find that although she is an only child, she is not alone in the world. She has cousins who love her as well as aunts and uncles. She will never truly be alone.
Also, as your exploring your options, check out Parents and Parenting Magazines websites. One of the two just recently had an article about choosing to have only one child in it. You may find insight in the article which has others sharing their reasons for choosing to have only one child. Then again, you might decide that a second is something you want after all. Whatever you end up deciding to do, make sure that your decision follows your heart. Good luck.

Hi J., my husband and I have a 5 year old biological son, and then we lost a son and a daughter as babies after he was born. We then adopted a newborn baby boy when our son was 4 1/2. I was so sure that I wanted another baby, but I really wasn't prepared that once that baby came, it would be such an adjustment. I was thinking, I've done the baby thing before, I can do it again. But it was definately a change, since our oldest son was able to do alot of things for himself, and he was so easy to take places, without carring alot of extras, like the diaper bag, milk, toys, etc. So it was definately an adjustment, but my son was so thrilled to have a baby brother, and they get along just great now, Luke is 18 months and Drew will be 6 next month. I'm curious to see how the age difference comes into play in the future, but for now, everything is just fine. We can't wait for Luke to be able to do more things though, he usually has to stay home with me while my hubby takes Drew out fishing, or sledding, etc. We are now in the process of adopting a little girl from Guatemala too, because we really want a daughter, and I'm glad that Luke won't be that old when she comes home, because it's not that much fun totally starting over. But I'm sure it was easier to have that much of an age gap, since Drew could do things for himself and could help with the baby. I'm interested to see what it will be like now to have 2 kids less than 2 years apart! I'll probably be pulling my hair out, but oh well. I just knew I didn't want my son to be an only child, since I'm one of 3 and my hubby is one of 5, the only boy too. Hope that helps! A.