Do I Tell My Son?

Nothing good will come of him knowing. You all seem like you are very happy. Leave it that way. When he wants to know something he will ask and not a moment before. Just keep loving life.

Nothing good could come from him knowing about the bio dad. If he asks you later you could tell him but not now.

I have a son who is adopted. He asked us once if he had other parents and we told him he does. That they were young (high school) and that they wanted a better life for him. He has never asked anything else or wanted to find them and he was around eight at the time. Now 43 years old.

So in your case, why upset the apple cart if it is not tipped over? Don't go asking for trouble when there is none.

the other Suzanee

I think this is one of those observations you keep to yourself. 14 is a really vulnerable age, to get him thinking about his bio dad while he's full of raging hormones and all the other pressures of being a teenager? No, he doesn't need that. And if you think it would hurt your husband? No, just no.

No, you do not compare your son with his birth father. As you said, he has a father who loves and takes care of him. Why would you want to remind your son of his birth father? Telling him will just stir up emotions fir both your son and his Dad. You want your son to feel secure.

It's important that he knows he's adopted. If he wants more information and asks you for it, answer briefly.

I wonder why you're making and dwelling on those comparisons. His birth father has never been a part of his life. Talking about him with your son brings birth father into his life. Can you see how that puts drama in his life? How it brings his birth father into his life? I suggest he's unlikely to have questions because he has a Dad. I suggest that he's secure in his Dad's love. Bringing his birth father into his life upsets the dynamics of your family.

Nope. I wouldn't tell him. Why? Because as you stated yourself - he hasn't expressed any interest.

Don't ask him about it. If he wanted to know - he would ask.

If he sees you smile when you look at him and asks you why you are smiling? Just tell him you love him.

Absolutely not. Why on earth would you? To destroy all the security and family identity he has? Is that what you want for him at 14?

No you do not.
You wait for him to ask.

I would bet as he gets older and has a family, he will get curious and ask. Then I think it is ok to tell him.

As far as understanding the "positive"...well...my mother was a very emotionally disturbed person. She was an unloving and quite mean mother because of it. We had a horrible relationship. But she was a 'girly girl' kind of woman. My mother would show her affection by buying things for you. Long story short, my daughter is a 'girly girl'., and has found things my mother bought for her but were just not age appropriate (so I saved them for her) and she absolutely loves the things...like wears them everyday...uses them everyday....and it is so bizarre...but she just has this weird connection to the things.

It pains me from my daughters perspective that I limited contact between her and my mother ( my mother didn't give her the time of day before she died) but I had to protect her. Now that my mother is dead, and my daughter asks who gave her this (costume) jewelry or jewelry box or (all these other girly things) I can say 'your grandmother' without feeling like I have to guard her.

She has this complete 'positive' loving, thoughtful fantasy of who my mother was. And it's nice to see something good instead of something that was so bad, and it makes me feel like I can embrace these positives in my mom that my daughter has brought out without having it tainted by the negative.

It's got to be hard to see these things in your son and not say anything, but I think you have to let it be his journey.

Many blessings

I would not tell him. Your son doesn't seem to have any interest whatsoever in his biological dad so there is no reason to introduce new ideas/information about him. Your son loves your husband and has always known him as dad. He is the role model and the only one your son would want to take after. Since his bio dad is an abusive alcoholic, telling your son he is similar in some ways may cause your son to worry that he could be like him in other ways.

Also, telling your son he is like bio dad in any way may cause your son to want to meet him. It may cause him to ask questions that could have painful answers. Are you prepared to let this man into your son's life? If not, do not bring him up. No good can come from telling him those things.

If the day comes that your son is asking about his bio dad, that's when you can tell him about their similarities. Until then, I'd keep quiet.

Birds-- my advice would be...put this all down in a letter. Something that you can hand to your son if and when he asks questions. Your son seems happy to have things as they are. What a gift! I would respect his peace of mind for now and write your observations in a loving way. "While things didn't work out with your biological father, the one wonderful thing I have from that is you."

This will respect everyone's peace while giving yourself an outlet. I think it speaks volumes that your son hasn't idealized bio-father. When I was nine or so and learned about my bio-dad, I fantasized about him. This was because I was unhappy and wanted a dad who was capable of really loving me-- so, in my naive little young brain, that's what I did. Your son is happy with his family the way it is. Your husband is *dad* to him. Respect that. :)

No. Based on all of the things you have said, and mostly, that the bio dad has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with your lives and has never been part of your son's life, it is best to continue living your lives as you have always done.

If your son ever asks in the future, you could tell him these things, but it makes no sense to do so now.

At this point, at age 14, I am inclined to say "just keep it to yourself".

In 4 years - 4 short years! - your son will be 18. At that point, he will be a legal adult, better able to "handle" stuff...at that point I think you can open up as much as you want to.

Seems to me, son knows who is dad is. He doesn't ask the question because it doesn't matter right now. In the future it might but not today.

Personally, I would leave that lid on the can of worms. If he ever asks, then by all means tell him but until then, nope I would keep my lip zipped.

Heck no! There's no good to come from that.

No. If it will hurt your husband no. He is the one who has been there for him from birth.

The other reason I wouldn't do it? He hasn't initiated any conversation with you regarding his biological father.

i get you. i'd probably be prompted to mention it too.
but i'd leave it alone. he may well ask you at some point, maybe not until he's an adult, if he has anything that hearkens back to his bio dad. and then you can answer him honestly.
but there's really no reason to bring it up now. he hasn't asked, and as you say, it would hurt your dh.
let it lie until your son raises the topic.
khairete
S.

No. Leave it alone. This is really about what YOU want, not about him. You're remembering things that made you decide to be with this man long ago.

When your son decides to ask questions, he will. Then you need to be ready to tell him things. The things that you tell him were why it was best that his biological father wasn't in his life. NOT the romantic little things that make a woman look at her son and think of his father.

If you don't believe me, ask a child psychologist. You will make your son feel uncomfortable things about himself if you go down the path you are thinking about.

I wouldn't do it. Imagine if you were the non-bio mom and your husband said things to your son like "oh your real mom used to crinkle her nose just like that!". Things seem good as they are so I wouldn't stir up unnecessary trouble. I do like nervygirl's answer though. Eventually your son may have questions and it'll be nice to have that letter made. I would wait until he has questions or if he never asks, maybe give it to him when he's no longer a child.

ETA: If you really feel the need to clue your child into his bio dad, have a conversation with your husband first. Let him know how you're feeling, why you think it's important for your son to know his roots, etc. and then and only then, have the conversation with your son. I wouldn't do a flippant "your bio dad used to do that!" after all these years of silence. I would do a serious conversation where you tell him he is free to ask any questions he may have of his bio dad. Good luck!

I love what Nervy Girl wrote. I think that's great advice.

My thought would be, just also let him know you're ok with him asking about his bio father if he ever wants to. Maybe you have and he's just not interested. He sounds like he and your husband have a great relationship. I have a good friend who was adopted and she never felt she could bring it up with her parents. She loved them, and felt she'd be hurting them if she asked questions. It wasn't until she was an adult that she asked - her parents had no idea she was curious.

Who your son really is is not defined by little actions identical to those of his biological father. Who your son really is is the child you and your husband raised together.

Your son is a teenager, and teen years are about a struggle for identity. It is also a struggle for independence from parents. I wouldn't complicate what is already a complicated process for him by bringing up his biological dad.

When he's older, and starts to ask you questions about his bio dad, if he ever does, then I think you might have a discussion with him about little habits he has which are like his bio dad's. Another thought: Bio dad was not a good role model and, clearly, a troubled soul. I don't know how deeply your son might think about this, but possibly: Ah, I have these little mannerisms like my bio dad, could I also have the same issues, might be something which would come to his mind.

I would say to tell him these things only if he asks you about him, his looks, mannerisms, etc.

No, you shouldn't say anything. But you SHOULD be able to provide your son with as much relevant medical history from his biologic father's side as you have (heart disease, cancer, etc). This may have some bearing on his future. The lip pulling won't.

I don't think it would harm your son, put in the way you are describing, as an interesting fact; however, since you know it would bother your husband, don't do it. His relationship with his/your son is the most important thing.

My brother never lived a day with our father and rarely saw him over the years, but he is SO like him, in so many ways. Gestures, laugh, expressions, etc. So I get what you're talking about. It's pretty interesting. And I have told my brother that.

This is a tough one. I really do see both sides of the coin and there are a lot of points on either side. However, I think I mostly agree with JB on this one. I think you should ask if he wants to know anything, but yes, talk with your husband about it first. Don't blindside him or tell your son in secret because that will hurt your relationship with your husband.

He's 14, not 5. Maybe he has questions but is scared to ask because he doesn't want to hurt his dad's feelings? Maybe he's worried to come to you because you never talk about him so he thinks he's not allowed to talk about him? Maybe he feels like he doesn't fit in but because he's 14 might not be able to put those thoughts and feelings into words? Maybe knowing that he's like his bio dad in some ways might make him feel more grounded...? Who knows...but the point is I think you should put it out there that you're willing to talk about it with him. At 14 there are lots of feelings and emotions and kids are trying to figure themselves out. Make sure he knows that he can come to you when he's ready...and that he can go to his dad too. Dad needs to understand that it's ok for him to have questions and concerns but he's still going to need his dad's support.

I don't understand how or why mentioning your sons' bio father would or should be a problem. Everyone knows that your hubby is not his father. If you mentioned him occasionally, your son might feel comfortable asking a question or two about his bio dad. But since you are so obviously uncomfortable with it, he probably just doesn't ask. Trust me, he has questions.

My daughter and I left her bio dad before her third birthday, but she had so many characteristics in common with him. That's when I realized how much of our personalities and such are inherited, not learned or taught - inherited!

I would be hurt and pissed off at my mom if this was me by waiting to tell me. I think at 14 he is old enough to understand. You can tell him that his biological dad wasn't a nice person and made bad choices. His step father is his father in every sense of the word. I think it would be nice for your son to know where the little quirks come from.

I wouldn't wait until hes 18 because if he does get angry he can take off in his car. He can't go anywhere at 14. I would have your husband there too when you talk. Even though your ex was a complete a-hole, its nice that you are still able to point out the same mannerisms between him and your son

I'm sorry I'm late to the party & I admit I didn't read other responses so sorry if I duplicate but this sounds like fabulous details that could be told heartfelt once your son becomes a father...once he's old enough to truly start processing such things. Just my .02 cents.