Do I Tell My Housband?

Have you asked her why she does this? Have you talked to her and asked questions so she will talk to you? Why dont you ask her about her behavior while others are in the room so she will have to answer, or show others how she really acts toward you. Do you go to her room and ask her to come out and help you do things, or go places with you? Maybe she feels like you dont want her to talk to you. Maybe shes sitting there wondering why you dont talk to her when no one else is around.

Be careful, this can be a landmind. One question that comes to mind is, how soon after her mom and dad split did you come into the picture? If it was right away, she may feel you split up her family and that could be part of the problem. How are things w/ her mom? If they are tense maybe she picks up on that. Just some things to think about.

She's 17, take the time to talk to her like the young adult that she is. Say something like "Suzy, can we talk?" Then proceed to explain that while you are not her mom you love her as if you were and are so glad she's in your life. Tell her that you have noticed that she seems different when dad is there. Explain that you feel that when he isn't there, things seem strained between the two of you. Ask what is going on and take it from there (but tread lightly and don't accuse or let it get heated). Then from there, you may be able to resolve it without clueing in dad or you may have to discuss w/ him.

Let me also add that most teens go through closing the door and staying in their rooms.

Tough spot, but you have to continue to be the bigger person here and not think in terms of ultimatums, like that she needs to move out if she doesn't change. That's not fair to her. Yes she's not being fair to you, but she's a child and didn't ask for any of this situation.

If I were you, I wouldn't be angry with the girl, I would be concerned about her feelings and would talk to my husband because of that. I would want to know what she's upset about so that she can work through those feelings and feel peace in her home (your home), where you should also feel peace. Tension is no good for anyone. I think you should tell him, of course, but make sure that you're doing so out of concern for her, not because you are offended. I would let him know some time that you have something you need to discuss privately and would like to know when would be a good time to talk.

Then when that time comes (when she is NOT around and can't overhear you), say something like "I'm worried about Sally. When you're around, I know that everything looks fine and she's engaged and communicative and happy. But when you're not here, she acts differently. For example, she spends all of her time in her room. And I don't know if you've noticed, but even when we're all here, she won't be in a room with me when you walk out...she walks out too. Even if you just get of the car to get gas, she suddenly stops talking until you get back. It's so different from how things used to be. It started happening [whenever] and I didn't say anything for a while because I wanted to make sure I wasn't imagining things. I am really concerned and wonder if she's upset with me directly over something or if she's just upset in general about something and this is her way of showing it. What do you think? What can we do to find out what's going on with her?"

Please don't let this get to a place where you dislike her. Yes she's 17, but she's still a child and needs your love. We don't get to be pissed when our kids push us away, and they all do it at some point. Maybe it's just her way of dealing with normal late-adolescent transitions - she must be thinking about what comes after high school, becoming an adult, etc. This age is a normal one for difficult behavior because our kids need to distance themselves a bit emotionally to prepare for the physical separation that often comes with college. I work with a lot of kids who are Juniors and Seniors in high school and many of them are just awful to their parents (or sometimes just to mom but are civilized with dad). It may be that she has "targeted" you because she feels safest with you and knows that you'll be there no matter what, like a biological mom would be. Or it could be her way of working out some angst about the blended family, and you are the convenient target for "replacing" her mother or whatever. I know that often when my SD seems mad at me, she's really mad at her mother, who abandoned her last year.

Anyway...there could be any number of reasons for her change in behavior. Have some compassion and don't ignore it. You won't know what's going on until you all talk about this. If there are a lot of buried feelings, then some sessions with a family counselor may help a lot. Best of luck to you, and try to not let this get you angry.

Yes, you should tell him. He's her father. She's a teen and she's all hormonal, but she's also engaged in a power play with you to show you that you don't matter. She's punishing you in some ways and letting you know that you don't make her happy. Now, the other side of that is, she may be looking for even more reassurance from you that she is loved, or she may be showing that she resents her living situation and misses her own mother. Discuss it with your husband and figure out a way to address it without punishing her. He needs to get on board and work to unify this family. It's common for stepdaughters to do this to stepmothers and still have the father think that everything is perfect. Just don't make it all about you or she will resent you. But your husband needs to demand that she respect you and participate in chores. But give her some space too in her room - teens need that.

would you make your child move out because they did this? would you even think it? if not then you don't treat them the same. I don't see how her J. being quiet arnd you is enough reason to kick her out. Some kids are flat out mean to their parents when they go through phases and hormones and you want to kick her out because she doesnt seem happy arnd you? Maybe talk to her nicely and tell her you see that shes not comfortable lately arnd you lately and you love her so it hurts your feelings and as if theres anything you can both do to work on it because you want her to feel comfotable at her home too...J. a thought

Well... he's her father and you are the step parent, no matter how nice you are to her. Moving in with you at 11 is a really rough time to make a major change in parenting arrangements, which likely also involved a change in schools/friends, etc in addition to a new home, new parents and new siblings.

My guess is that she just doesn't consider you to be her parent and probably resents you for some reason.

Your last sentence concerns me, though... it's her house too, right? It's your husband's house... it's the "family's house". I would discuss her change in behavior with your husband. If she was "your child" and you noticed a behavior change, you would address it with your husband because he's the father.

Talk with him about what you have observed in her behavior, not that she's "not nice to you". The bigger concern here is that she was a sweet kid and something changed when she turned 17 (not clear on how long ago that was). For all you know, she could be in an abusive relationship or involved in drugs, drinking, etc. all of which are typically signaled by a significant change in behavior/temperament.

Find out what's going on with her and keep your personal reactions and resentments out of it. She may be in trouble or it may be time for her to move out and see how "tough" life is on her own! Either way, if you view yourself as her parent, address the situation as her parent.

You won't let "someone" make you unhappy in "your own home?" She's not just "someone" and it's HER own home too. Clearly something is going on with her. You used to have a good relationship with her and then things suddenly changed, but you make no mention at all of actually trying to talk to her. Why haven't you talked to her? The longer you wait the longer you're risking damaging the relationship.

She could be hurting and wondering why you haven't said anything to her. She could be testing you to see if you'll leave and stop loving her just because she's behaving this way. She could be behaving this way because her mom isn't the primary parent, and she's feeling loyalty and this is how she's showing it.

You're the adult in the relationship. You have to act like it. She's still just a child.

This happened to my best friend at that age. She was trying to make her mom happy because her mom resented the step mom for coming in and "taking her family" so she acted this way to the stepmom. Then she acted great with her dad. She thought everything was working out acting this way because everyone went along with it. No one confronted her. Finally I guess stepmom broke and told her dad. By that time a year or so of this behavior passed. Emotions were everywhere. Dad first was upset at the daughter for acting that way, then I guess thought about it and turned and asked stepmom why she didn't talk to his daughter or let him know sooner than that. What if She was going thru a terrible ordeal or something.y friend never would tell them why or what was going on with her. All their relationships seem strained now. Don't wait too long. Just talk about with her and if your not comfortable with her, then talk to her dad.