Do I Tell Her Date, or Don't I? Special Needs Daughter

HI K., I have a special needs daughter (autistic and mildly retarded). Although I don't think she will be dating (but who knows??!!) my first feeling is that I would want someone to be aware of her situation in case something happened. You said her best friend knows but now won't be there so I think the date should be told. Not everyone in the group has to know, but I think he has a right to just in case something does happen he would have some instruction on what to expect and what to do. I as a mom would feel better knowing someone was with her too that would know what to expect and what to do. And congrats to her on her big day (and night!)!!

I have a grand-daughter with epilepsy. It is embarrassing for a teenager, but she knows that people that are around her needs to know in case she has a seizure. As a mom with 3 sons (I have 2 daughters too), I know my boys would definitely want to know about a date's medical issues. We don't often give teenagers credit these days. Some can be pretty mean, of course, but most I have found are very accepting and understanding of each other. I'm sure her date would be appreciative of the information "just in case". When my grand-daughter has a seizure, those around her that are unaware are scared and often frantic to know how to help her. If they are aware ahead of time, they just move things out of her way so she doesn't get injured and allow the seizure to pass. Enjoy the moment along with your daughter, Mom :)
J. F

Why doesn't your daughter want him to know? Is she embarrased or is it that she thinks it is a non issue, because it's under control? If your daughter doesn't want her date to know, maybe there is another friend that is going that she could trust with the information? I guess I don't completely understand Epilepsy, but I think you need to sit down with your daughter and have a heart to heart. Now that she is dating this is an issue that your daughter needs to confront head on. Does she wear a medical bracelet or necklace? I have a brother that is (high functioning) Autistic and he has had a great opportunity to help educate others on his disability. Something to think about....Good Luck!

Well, in my opinion, anyone in the presents of your daughter should be made aware of this condition... It is something that you have to plan for. AND if the people around her are not willing to accept her for her, then they should not be around her. It is a hard lesson, I had to do it, but I really felt safe with the people that I was with. She should not be fearful of people knowing, infact keeping it a secret I think would be more stressful for you and to her... I would not make it a national statement on the TV- but anyone that makes it a point to be around should know. You cannot always rely on the handful of people that know. Make sure that she is prepared and make sure that you are available. Maybe make a trip that is close to her for the day, so that you can be there if there was an emergency...but don't be THERE at every place, she still needs to be indepent a little. ya know, best wishes.

Yes, he should know. Sounds like this is something that will be with her for the rest of her life. She is going to have to get over the embarrassment and realize that sharing the information is for her own safety. I know it's not easy when you are a teenager though. Imagine if she did have a seizure while with the group and no one knew, they may all panic and not know what to do. They would probably appreciate knowing just in case something did happen. You're daughter should not be embarrassed, it's just a part of life. The sooner kids realize we're not all perfect the better!

As the parent of a teenager, I will warn that this is dangerous territory to tread. Yes, it would be best if the date knew just in case. I do think, however, that it should be her decision to tell him. I'm sure she has her own reasons for not telling him. If someone else were to tell him without her consent, I dare say it would cause unnecessary problems. I think I would have been furious if my medical history were revealed to a date at that age without my consent. I'm more than certain my teenager would be livid, as well. Talk to her about who in her group should know and let her make that decision. I would present it to my child in the context of, "Okay who *do* we tell? Someone there needs to know."

I would, however, call the dance organizers and alert them to the fact that there will be a person with epilepsy attending and that strobe lights are a big no-no. They don't have to know who the attendee is, just that there is someone for whom the lights may be a problem.

Hi K.,

I think everyone's right, and that it's best for your daughter's date to know, in case she does have a seizure, unless there is someone else going to be present whom you can trust to be responsible for her in that case. I'm sure you can discuss it with her and figure out with her who needs to know, just stipulating that SOMEONE needs to. If it's her date, then really she needs to be the one to tell him. I'm sure that with a bit of discussion, she'll see your point.

I would talk to your daughter about the dangers of having no one in the group knowing about the dangers to her and ask her who she would like to tell, because her safety depends on it.