Do as I Say, Not as I Do

You can try but it usually doesn't work. I had the worst time training my kids when my ex was in the house. It was even hard after the divorce to get them to understand mom's house, mom's rules....I always put things away the first time because there is no upside to not doing it.

I don't think it is as bad if you are the one who has to put them away eventually. The problem with my ex was he just left stuff all over the place and gnomes apparently came in while he was at work and sorted all of this. It kind of taught the kids if we ignore mom she will put the stuff away eventually. Does that make sense?

For house rules like plates, cups, shoes, making the bed, etc., it's probably best to LEAD by example.
You can enforce the rules and not follow them, but you'll look less powerful. (As powerful as 'shoe rule following' can make you!)

If you want them to do it, and you plan on enforcing it, give them permission to remind you. Then it's fair.

Of course not. That's hypocritical. I can't tell my children not to use bad words, than spout of a few that would make a sailor blush, you know?

Lead by example.

I think most behavior should be modeled. Therefor, if your enforcing the rule you should be doing it yourself. However, if you let one or two things slip because "You are the parent and its your house" I think that is ok.

ETA: For example: I eat and drink in my living room but tend to not allow my kids. Why? Because whenever my kids eat or drink in the living room they end up spilling it. Its my house, my rules, and I know I'm likely to not spill like they would.

kids learn what they see, not what they hear.
khairete
S.

We had this debate at our house once over dishes going in the sink and being rinsed off. My oldest spouted off with "but you don't do it". My reply was "I do the freakin dishes, so I can leave my plate on the table if I want. When YOU do the dishes I'll put mine in the sink and rinse it off".

That ended the debate about doing as I say not as I do as far as that kind of thing goes.

As far as certain words go ... I always told them, those are adult words and you can say them when you're an adult. Just like driving a car is an adult thing ... they got it and understood that sometimes adults get to do (or not do as the case may be) things kids don't.

The reality is that we ALL know it isn't the best way. The truth of the matter is that you CAN still teach them to do as you say (in the case of the shoes) and not as you do, but the problem with it is that if you approach it that way then you end up being a JERK. And your kids will be aware that you are a JERK.

Yes you CAN teach them and not do it yourself, but it isn't very wise to do so.

If the child can reason, then the child can understand "because it's mommy and daddy's house. You can do the same thing in YOUR house. Until then, it's just a privilege of paying the bills."

If the child is too young for that concept, then I would parent as if the child learns by imitation.

ooh J.!!

I got caught on this one by my kids last week!!! I normally take my shoes off and put them away...however, last week, I just took them off by the door and left them there. I told my kids to put their shoes away...and Greg said - well, they're sitting next to yours!! YIKES!!!

Typically I do not ask my kids to do that which I will not or do not do. They know that. That's why Greg said what he did...he thought it was okay - because it was NOT normal for me to leave my shoes there. So last week I was a slacker!!! Today? Nope...back to the old me!!

I always think modeling is the best way to get through to a child. I get upset when I hear my son said ain't b/c I feel it sounds very uneducated and trashy. One day he said, "the other kids ain't" and I made him write 10 times "the other kids are not playing"

Then the other day I said, "That just ain't right" He noticed and I sat down with a piece of paper and wrote ten times "That is just not right"

I think there are times when I am the mom and he is the kid and we have different rules. He is always trying to say we should have the same bedtime. I'm not going to bed at 8 pm!! I need that quiet time!! haha but other things such as remembering to put your shoes away or use proper speech should be modeled and both of us should be in the habit of doing so.

Only if I were willing to hear "but YOUR shoes aren't where they belong!" every day of my life AND I could be cheerful about it by responding "thanks for the reminder, I'll go put them away" then sure...but it would be easier to just follow my own house rules.

This is one of my biggest peeves about my husband - he holds the kids to a much higher standard about some things than he will hold himself and won't be gracious when the kids point out the inconsistency. There are certainly things that are appropriate for adults but not kids. One thing we deal with is why I can have soda and they can't. I just tell them that their growing bodies need water, juice and milk and that diet soda (which I drink) has chemicals in it that aren't good for kids. They're not good for adults either, but I keep that part to myself.

All in all, when it comes to things like chores and tidying up, it's much easier to follow house rules and be able to say with a clean conscience "I do my part every day, now you do yours." Kids pick up on a disconnect between what we say and what we do pretty early on and then use that against us whenever they see it. To me, being a person of integrity is about walking the walk, not just talking the talk. Parenting is work - if a parent has a bad habit that goes against house rules, she or he should use it as a teaching moment to try to break the bad habit. I think kids would learn a lot more from seeing a parent try to do the right thing vs. just preach it.

I like to practice what I preach to my kids. Exceptions for adult activities like drinking, and watching r rated flicks ... Etc

I get in this argument with my husband. I am the one who ends up cleaning it all up anyway at the end of the day but perhaps if I were a better example (at least to my kids) my husband needs to be an example too.

O, J....you really know how things work at my house! LOL! BUT, on the flip side, "I" am the one who picks up said shoes! (or my hubs) So, I feel like I can tell them to put their shoes away, because if mine are laying there, I will eventually put them away, anyway, but theirs lay there until I yell at them or put them away myself!

Same thing w/ wrappers, dishes, etc!

But, I get what you are saying, so I try to be more conscientious about putting things away so when I tell them to, I am not being as much of a hypocrite!

It's tough...cause sometimes it's just easier to lay the dish on the table than to walk 5 more steps and put it in the sink, right???? LOL!

Totally agree with Angi C. I've actually had this debate with my husband! The key is - when shoes are left everywhere (or dishes or whatever), there is an assumption about who will clean it up - usually mom/wife (or dad if he takes on the majority of the household duties). If I leave my dishes by the sink instead of putting them straight into the dishwasher like I ask my husband to do, it's because I know that I am the one who will eventually put them away. If he leaves them he assumes they will "magically" get put away.

I don't think that "do as I say not as I do" can work for the big things without a lot of reasoned discussion (like doing poorly in school, experimenting with drugs, etc.), but for the smaller things, I think Angi nailed it.

I do say that.
I do show her by example too, but not everything has or should be guide by example in my house because we are different, with different responsibilities, etc.
Same goes for them too, meaning I do things they don't have to.
Of course this is not in all, like I say we do set an example on many things, but there are a few things that "do what I say not what I do" works well in our home.
Example: I was bad at school, I wish I knew better back then but I didn't and didn't do well, but, my kids don't get to say: "well, since you did so bad how can you expect me to".

I would enforce it with my kids, but I would also point out to them that I have the same issue and that we can remind each other.

It's not wrong to say the words. Not doing it yourself doesn't make you a hypocrite for saying that this is a good thing to learn. Who better than an alcoholic to understand and maybe even explain why it's not good to overindulge in alcohol? This is not likely to be effective, however, with a youing child.

My parents pulled the same stuff on us. They'd do something 'wrong' but expect us to "do as they say not as they do". If we'd point out "well why don't you put YOUR shoes up", they'd say that line to us. Never makes a lick of sense if you don't set an example. Kids learn by observation so if they see you put your shoes off by the door, how can you expect them to put theirs up when you don't? Just say, "ya know, you're right I totally left mine by the door, let's go put them up together" & see if that helps. Good luck!

I am infamous for not putting things where they belong. My husband has a place for most things. There are always shoes, coats, hats, sports equipment, backpacks in the "wrong" place. I don't make a fuss about it cause I don't do it myself.

We try to do it...do it well for a week or so then it's a crazy hectic day...you know the one where you pull in the drive, someone gets out runs in the house to get whatever it is they forgot...changes shoes or sports equipment and comes right back out. Then we go back to same old routine.

I don't get mad, upset or anything so I guess we don't "enforce" it.

To me it's kinda like saying "don't hit" then spanking a child. Kinda defeats the purpose, IMO.

I'd expect the same of myself as I do from my child, especially when you're talking basic habits like this. But kids are much more observant and thoughtful than we often give them credit for, and many kids have a huge need for fairness. So I have always tried to have "real" conversations about such issues.

I might remind a child to put his shoes away, and at the same time, go and pick up any shoes, slippers or clothing of my own that might be carelessly dropped. I'd think out loud about how much better the house looks when things are put away, and comment about working on better habits myself. I'd thank my child if she reminded me (politely) of something I forgot, and apologize if my habits interfered with her play space.

The children I've either raised or worked with have always responded in surprisingly adult ways when I treat them with the same consideration and respect with which I treat adults. And I don't think it "takes" as well to try to teach a child a lesson that grownups don't observe themselves. That leads to the mindset that they have to obey only if they are likely to get caught, corrected or punished, not that they learn good habits (neatness, manners) for the good of everybody, including themselves.

absolutely! You're the parent & you're teaching them a better way to live!

Good Luck getting them to buy into it! :)

I don't think there is anything wrong with that as long as it's presented in the style that the whole family is going to work on this new task . "All right everyone I've noticed this house has shoes ALL over it... Here's the new goal, we're going to all try to put them in X spot as soon as they come off our feet. Let's all help reminder each other to do that"
Then be prepared for your KIDS nagging YOU to put your shoes away.

Depends on the particular issue. If it's something that will stay constant over time, like the shoe example I say no. Kids, especially younger ones have trouble seeing shades of grey and will just think you're being "unfair." We've settled on: Don't leave them on the stairs or in a walkway where someone can trip on them. Once in awhile if there are shoes all over the place I ask everyone to put their shoes away.
If it's a rule that can change as they get older it's fine. Example: In our house adults can eat in the living room but children can't. I've told him when he can learn to eat neatly every time then he will be allowed. It's a goal to work towards and he accepts this with no problem.

I try to hold myself to the same things that I ask of my kids. If I were to leave my shoes everywhere and model that behavior, why would I expect my kids to do any different??? I model what I want my kids to do. Then, I can guide them to doing what is right always and not worry about if someone else did their "job" or not. All about personal acountability.

M

Time to admit to the kiddos that you know you're not perfect at it, and enlist their help so everyone can do better about following this rule. Time to parent-up and start setting a better example. Teaching basic life skills to children is an essential aspect of parenting, even if it's one you're not perfect at. I think admitting to kids that we as their parents are not perfect is a good learning opportunity for them. We can help them learn from our mistakes. They'll get a kick out of "teaching you" and your credibility points will go up. It's important to teach our children as much as we can, not just the things we are good at :)

I agree with Abbey..

I believe kids learn by example more than anything else.

My husband is of the "I go to work, I pay the bills, I'll do as I please" mindset.
If it's pointed out that he does NO cleaning at all, and only halfass after himself, your going to get screamed at.

And he wonders why we have a hard time getting the kids to clean up and they are so pissy.

Yes, you keep enforcing it, as well as make a change too. Lead by example, so be the example. Let your kiddos know, hey, I'm not perfect either, and I'm sure they will have fun telling you so too.
My husband is awesome about doing this, I'm not. I do remember some of the time, and getting better the more I do it, but I'm guilty of laying my shoes at the entry way vs just putting them in the closet.

I would enforce it and REALLY make an effort to put my money where my mouth is. Especially for the "easy" things like putting away shoes or not talking with my mouth full, etc.

Sometimes with moral, ethical or social issues it's not quite as black and white. For example, the "little white lie": somebody does something that *totally* inconveniences you, then asks "Oh my goodness, did *I* do that? I'm so sorry, I hope you weren't inconvenienced!" and you say "Oh, no, that's no problem at all!" even if it was actually a problem. And then your kids say "Why did you lie to that person just now? You had to wait 10 minutes to pull out of that parking space because she was blocking you! You lied and said it was no problem and YOU tell US it's not ok to lie!" Not quite as black and white...

I lead by example for two reasons. First of all the rules are the rules are the rules. It's simple and doesn't require any thought, quibbling, debating or negotiating. I don't want to raise children who believe some rules apply and others don't. We don't get to pick and choose as adults so why set that up now. Besides what criteria applies when determining what rules to follow or not? I feel guilty when I break rules big and small. I think that guilt is a good thing and it keeps me honest. Secondly the problem is one day this is not going to be a debate over dishes going in the sink or shoes going in the closet. We are going to be trying to convince our children to not drink irresponsibly or drive while intoxicated or steal or lie or the other "big" things.

It won't work if you don't set the example. I follow my own rules (even when it's not convenient!) --- but my husband doesn't. And his actions are absolutely noticed by the kids. They actually applaud when he puts his own dish in the dishwasher instead of the sink, if that is any indication.

His attitude is he pays for things (well, half of them anyway), so he can do whatever he pleases. This is one of the things that angers me most about my husband. He refuses to accept that there is a connection between what he does and how we are trying to teach the kids to act. He leaves his wet towel on the bed or floor daily, but if a kid does it, they are reprimanded (by him). It's disturbing to me. The kids are aware that he is an exception to the rules.

It's a huge struggle for me as "the enforcer" -- I find myself picking up his shoes and whatnot so the kids can't use that as an excuse for not taking care of their own stuff.

Ah - the shoes thing :). Hubby leaves them all over the house and it drives me nuts. The kids take them off as soon as they come in and take them right upstairs to their rooms.

I take mine off when I walk in and they stay there until I go upstairs. Mostly because I'm running in and out of the house for things.

My kids are mostly good about putting things away though, I can't really complain. And aside from shoes, hubby and I are onboard with keeping things clean. Of course it gets out of hand sometimes, but we can get it back into shape with a few good hours.

One strategy I've tried with varying success is putting my SON in charge of something! They LOVE the power trip and being able to call you out on it which gives them a certain enthusiasim for the project! OTOH it works better with some things than others. Worked GREAT for being sure all the pop/juice/water bottles got put in the basket. Did NOT work so great for using our "Nice words" instead of our naughty words...apparently "Lion" is a naughty word but "Hippopotamus" is a good word and the F-bomb drew no comment at all........... So we are STILL cursing like sailors, but the pop bottles are picked up!

Ha ha! That's a good question. I'm notorious for such things. In my case, I tell them the rule, I tell them why the rule is in place, and I tell them that it is one of my biggest pet peeves about myself. Usually, that's the real reason the rule is in place, truth be told. And then we ALL try to do better.

I would try to enforce it, BUT I would feel guilty every time! I would probably quickly pick my shoes up and put them away before I said anything.

No matter what! We have to show the example.