Divorce and Child Health Issues

I agree with others that there is confusion here -- why can't you know where they are going? Nothing can stop your son from calling you and telling you, can it? If dad stops him from contacting you at all when with dad, you need to get to your attorney about that! If you knew where they were, what would you do -- go get him? What is the custody arrangement and is it in writing with a court? If your ex is physically endangering your son you should be calling your attorney already.

I know what scoliosis is, and a kid who is going to have surgery for it surely should not be sleeping in a tent in a sleeping bag on the ground, or on some saggy old cot in a cabin, should he? Good grief, it's a spinal problem and he's weeks from surgery for it! Have they actually left on this camping trip yet? Is it possible to get the doctors to call your ex and tell him that your son could be injured or surgery delayed if they go on this trip? Or would ex just ignore it? (I wager he would.) Are things like rafting or other activities that could injure the spine involved here? Too many questions.

Dad apparently has a lot of control issues, if he is always wanting to pull your son off meds that your SON, not just you, see as beneficial. Has your son ever told dad how the meds help him or is son too cowed by dad to discuss it? Does son stop his meds when with dad? (Very, very bad idea, if that happens, and a reason to have the court intervene, possibly. I would think that "My ex tells son to stop meds when with him" would be a huge red flag to a court.) Your ex is putting your son in a horrible position of being torn between what son knows is healthy for him and what dad insists he do.

So: Has dad ever been involved in medical decisions? Has he ever been asked by you to attend meetings with doctors about the ADD etc, and about the scoliosis, so he understands your son's conditions? If he knew the seriousness of the scoliosis, what it is and why surgery is needed, could it change his mind even if he's grudging about it? It is too late now to involve dad like that but it might help next time.

Your son is 14, and in most states that is the age where kids get the right to be in court and tell a judge what they want in terms of custody. It's time to get him involved in that. Maybe a judge needs to hear from your son that dad is an issue when it comes to meds. It won't necessarily make a judge change custody, but it could get some words from the judge that could shake up your ex.

Please clarify for us what the custody is like and what's going on with the trip.

This doesn't make sense. And why aren't you allowed to know where they are going? I don't understand the question - can I legally bring him home with me? What is your custody arrangement? Is there a provision for medical care? What does the court say?

What kind of surgery is he having? Is he suffering from a life threatening condition?

I don't understand your problem or your question.

And why did you title it "Moms group?"

The way you word this it sounds like your ex is not behind the surgery. Like you are avoiding telling him which can open a new can of worms.

My son just turned 15, like two weeks ago, he has PDD-NOS, ADHD, sensory issues and is frankly more mature than his father. He has also been advocating for himself for over a year which is really cool to see. In practice what this looks like is at the moment he is being weened off his lithium, the last major med he is on. I don't have to worry if my ex forgets because my son knows what he is supposed to take.

You need to communicate better with your ex and more important, you need to teach and empower your son to control his own life.

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Looking at the other answers I guess your post has changed? I have to run everything I medically do with the kids with my ex. If I don't I get into a mess of legal issues. If your ex is against this surgery, which actually I have several friends who has scoliosis and never had surgery, I would agree with your ex. If he said hell no and you go ahead, expect that he will be in court taking custody away from you! I know that would be my reaction if my ex scheduled surgery without my consent!

I have no idea why you and his father are not on the same page medically or in terms of visitation. Who says "you aren't allowed" to know anything? Your ex is telling your son to keep secrets from you? Doesn't your ex go to the medical appointments with you and his son?

Why is the surgeon saying it's either June 25th or not until the fall? Are they so heavily booked that your son can't be wait listed? Our daughter has multiple scoliosis surgeries at a major children's hospital I find this curious.

What does your divorce or visitation agreement say? Why are you asking about getting into trouble?

You say he is on antibiotics, but he has a cold? What's the medical justification for that?

Is it possible that a camping trip takes a boy with Tourette's out of public places with stressors and lets him "be himself" and makes the father less embarrassed? Is it possible this could be a relationship-building experience for them and a stress-reducer for your son? Is it possible it's a "let's have fun before you're laid up with surgery recovery" trip? What about the trip is particularly laden with risk of infection? I would think being in public with a lot of people with germs would be as risky?

Or isn't this more about the fact that you are both nervous about what's coming medically, and you cannot communicate with each other? You should matter-of-factly inform your ex of every single appointment. If he shows, he shows. If he doesn't, he knows how to get hold of the doctor.

And if you want to reply to individual people, click "write Jane a private message" and you can answer the individual post without putting info for all in the SWH section. If you don't see that, click on the person's name and send a message from their profile page. But use SWH for answering several people who ask the same sort of questions.

If it's his custody day, then you do risk police involvement if you take him home. Your hubs could send the police to the house to get your son. Or he could refuse to answer the door when you arrive to get your son and call the police and have you cited for trespass.

Bottom line, if it's his day, he has the law on his side.

If he has not been a part of the conversation with the doctor, express your concerns to the doctor and express your concerns to him. Perhaps they should have a chat about how serious this is, why a delay would be bad, etc. Perhaps the medical professional performing the surgery can get through how important all these steps are.

Frankly, I would be upset if my husband took my kid who knows where for who knows how long and wouldn't even tell me "we are going to xyz camping area." Is he sneaking Kevin out of state without your permission?