Disowning a Daughter

A funeral isn't a forum for the dead to speak but a forum for those still living to reflect and remember the deceased. The beautiful thing about a funeral is that the dead person can want what they want but the living have the final say.

NO, these words of hatred and poison should NEVER be shared. SIL's father may be set in his ways and may never change but that shouldn't mean this poison of bitterness and unforgiveness should continue beyond his life.

I'd tell him I'd be happy to read it and then either read the parts you want to or just forget about it. Personally. I wouldn't want to hear a letter written by the dead guy.

IN any case, he'll be dead - he won't know either way. So why start trouble. Talk about taking it to the grave!!

I would not read it. There is no point to continue this man's hate and bitterness after he dies.

The circumstances are unfortunate and it seems like old man is trying to get the last word even at his funeral.

People probably already know he is a bitter hate filled person without reading it aloud.

It is sad how some parents can be so cruel. Just bury him and move on.

I would still plan to go to the funeral and I would read what he asked me too, minus the hurtful parts. I would not cause more pain on a painful day just because my dad felt hurt, because there are 2 sides to every story and the truth is usually somewhere in between.

My opinion is that funerals are for the survivors/mourners, and not for the deceased person. The person can SUGGEST what they would like (e.g., "celebration of my life" or some favorite songs/hymns, etc.) but I honestly don't think it's the place for a father with hurt feelings to rub salt in the wound. What's the point of this? So what I would do is: I would read the parts that are relevant, helpful, comforting, funny, etc. and absolutely leave out the thing that's just designed to hurt someone. It will cause division among the funeral attendees, when the funeral BY DESIGN is to bring people together in mutual support. It will do absolutely nothing for any of the mourners, and it will make the deceased person look like a complete schmuck. If reading any of the letter makes your SIL think of the rest of the letter she is leaving out, then she can omit the whole thing. I don't know if I would tell him "No way I'm reading that" especially if his death isn't imminent; I'd just say "I'll put it away until the time comes" or something vague. She can start a fight about it if she wants to, or leave it alone. But if your FIL is using this as a way to keep the fight going and get your SIL involved, then she should refuse to discuss the funeral entirely.

The whole thing is petty. There are better ways to resolve disputes or just let go.

Nope tell your sil she isn't obligated to do anything at the funeral so no letter reading. It sounds like dad is just really bitter and feels like he needs to have the last word with no rebuttal from his son. I'd be inclined to put the letter in the casket and call it a day. He can be buried with his sour feelings and the issues can die along with him. And shame on him for putting her in this position.

I agree with Marda. This is your SIL's decision. She doesn't have to do anything she doesn't feel comfortable with.

Just picture her standing at her dad's funeral, already upset, having to read something horrible aloud to everyone else. Her father is being cruel to her also here, not just her brother.

If it were me, I would talk to my father, say I was uncomfortable, if he has problems with his son, then address it directly to him and leave everyone else out of it.

Better yet, remind him that he has time to make amends. But again, that's not her concern or business.

But at the very least, no you don't read stuff like that at a funeral. He sounds kind of off. It would be like someone writing that sort of think when they had Dementia and it not making sense. You just skip parts in the interest of what is appropriate.

Good luck :)

* What a horrible position for her father to put her in. Ugh.

No of course not. She should just placate her father but when the time comes she should not read this. There is no point in it except that it will cause others emotional pain or to feel uncomfortable. The fact that he wants it read shows he is not right mentally. PS - This sounds exactly like something one of my parents would do. If it were me I would be upfront with saying no and saying why. But if your SIL is uncomfortable with that she can just placate him and smooth things over but then throw out the nasty letter when he passes away. A funeral should just be a place where those who attend can mourn...not a place where the dead can get in the last word.

I'm trying to picture a scenario where this conversation would occur, and I'm having a hard time. I wonder if dear ol' dad is on his deathbed? Or just full of piss n' vinegar and wanting to dredge up drama for the thrill of it? Either way, I think those that say you placate him now and then do exactly what you want at the time, are right. I don't care how close someone is to their deathbed, it's not a license to be an a-hole. I know some older people feel that it is. I feel bad for your SIL who he put in this predicament. But she needs to be strong and do what she feels is right. Drama is never the right choice. Seems like dad is just hoping to continue the drama and feud after he's gone. Death should be a time of forgiveness and peace. What he is asking is wrong on so many levels.

No
I would not read it
He will never know the difference and there is no point in inflicting more pain on the family

i'm confused. this sounds like someone disowning a son.
for the most part i think the deceased's wishes should be reasonably accommodated. if the potentially deceased is hoping to cause pain and regrets from beyond the grave, i think the living should mitigate the damage.
if i were this SIL i'd sit down with my dad and lovingly tell him that i'm sorry the relationship is damaged, past the point of repair, and that i'd be happy to read his letter but that i could not condone such a vicious final jab. that if he wants me to read the letter, he'd need to revise that section or delete it altogether. maybe offer to help him rewrite it into something honest but not mean-spirited.
if he's adamant, she could simply say that he'll need to get someone else to read it, and to know that when that section is being read, that she'll get up and leave the service. is he so set on taking a final stab at his son that he's willing to alienate his daughter?
your SIL can and should draw her own lines in the sand.
khairete
S.

Absolutely not. Do not read that. What a terrible thing to do to his son.

No good person would write such a thing to read to his son as his funeral, so I'm pretty sure the fault lies with the father.

No, I would not read it.
her father should address it with his son hike they are both still alive. Otherwise it should be left unsaid.

If its not important enough to take care of while you are alive, then it is not worth mentioning when you're dead.

That's terrible that he would put her in that position.

Honestly, the son probably isn't going to show up at the funeral so it is only going to show the attendance that he is the one who couldn't let go...it will only reflect badly on the deceased and one reading it.

ETA : re read this realized it was your SIL so made a few changes to clairifywhat I wrote.

ETA2:
I don't think it is ok to just tell him she will read what he wrote and then not do it. She will have a lot of guilt afterward. She needs to tell him she will read all the other parts but not that one, and then let him decide. She can consult with clergy or funeral director if need be, JMO

No, I wouldn't read something like that out loud at a funeral.
I wouldn't tell him that though.
Sure you'll read it but not all of it out loud.
There's nothing to feel guilty about.
Although it really spells out exactly WHY the son of this father stepped away from his dad.
The old man can take his bitterness to the grave with him when his time comes.

She doesn't have to read this. If she wants to read it, she doesn't have to read all.of it. She can rewrite it in her own words, leaving this part out. I feel a bit confused. Why would both of you think your SIL should read the angry part that will add to the pain of those still alive?

Your SIL could also make copies or reword it and make copies to include in the program. She could ask someone else to read it. Your SIL can handle this anyway she wants. I suggest your SIL should do whatever she is comfortable doing.

I wouldn't do it in a millions years. Me being the person I am, I would tell him so. But I get why it's also okay/better to not tell him. I would though. I would tell him I'd read all of the positive things so we could celebrate his life, not drag out the drama and not so happy times. I wouldn't want to say I would do something, then not do it...that would leave me with guilt forever.

ETA: Reading some of the other responses, made me remember a conversation I had on Sunday with my baby sister. My parents sat all 5 of us kids down and went over their will about 2 years ago. They made me the executor. I was so glad they passed on the message because my brother didn't speak to any of us for about 2 weeks after that. He assumed as the oldest male (middle child) he would have the responsibility. I pushed back on my parents, but they trust me the most. So I have to honor their wishes - just so very thankful they told everyone and didn't leave it as a surprise.

Disowning a daughter or a son?

Your SIL shouldn't be reading anything negative that her father wrote in his funeral. Period. The people attending his funeral shouldn't have to be subjected to it.

I wouldn't read the hurtful sections of the letter. It will be like rubbing salt into a wound - for no reason. He wants to inflict pain from the grave. You could read the other parts and omit that hateful language. He'll be dead so what can he do if you don't read it? Nothing! Why not suggest that he directs this message now to his son as opposed end to after he's dead and gone. This is such a cowardly way to make a statement.

Sometimes things should just be left unsaid. When dying, one should be reconciling with one's loved ones, not creating hatred.

No, the man wants even more hatred and anger after he is gone. Many people do this with the things they leave behind. Cutting one out and leaving things to the wrong people. It's sad but I'd tell him no one is going to read that and if they start to everyone will just get up and leave and not listen to it anyway.