Disipline

I haven't been in this situation myself but I would also recommend "The Strong Willed Child" by James Dobson as I have heard very good things about it and have read some of his other books. You are right, this is beyond just a "boy thing" and you need to get it under control while he is still young. Best of luck to you!

Consider an evaluation by a child psychologist/psychiatrist to see if he has an underlying developmental disorder or sensory integration disorder. These children can be a huge challenge and are very sensitive to changes in routine, transitions, unexpected events in their day, and to environmental stimuli.
It is not just a boy thing, and it is likely not just a stage that he will grow out of. Good luck.

A little about me: Child Psychiatrist, married 21 years, two kids, 19yo boy and 12yo girl.

Hello T.
Your child is trying to take control of yourself your home and others if he does not get his way You have to stop acting out of fear. don't be afraid to take control and grab your child and hold him tell him you love him and you refuse to give in your the parent and he will not destroy your home. God says spare the rod spoil the child in other words Its your responsibility to spake him and gain control of him. stop talking how smart he is and how cute he is and take control of your 4year old child before its to late and the courts will. You need to get in touch with what is making him unhappy its hard for a 4 year old to express hisself but to throw a temper from hell as you call it however he might be suffer from not the only child any more doesn't have all your attention anymore you mention a sister at 4 no child knows how to express that intense emotion except to act out so you might need professional help before its to late and control only comes from the court. from tothyselfbetrue.

Get the book "Shepherding A Child's Heart" by Ted Tripp.

First I want to say kuddos to you for being a parent of a strong-willed child. They take a lot of time and emotional energy. I reccomend to books "The Strong-Willed Child" by James Dobson and "1, 2, 3 Magic" I can't remember the author. If things don't get better talk to your doctor about an evaluation by a developmental pediatrician. S/he can help you see if there is more to the behavior than just dispiline issues and refer you to the proper places for help. My oldest has Sensory Processing Disorder and Anxiety and had lots of issues. We got him evaluated when he was 8 and he started occupational therpay and cognitive behavioral therapy both of which have greatly helped him. Your son might not need anything more but if things don't improve know that there is help out there. Also I don't think it does boys any favors to say being aggressive or violent is just a boy thing, it's like giving permission. Boys may be more prone to it but if the behavior is unacceptable it is unacceptable regradless of the reason behind the behavior. My 2yo tens to hit when she's tired or hungry. It expalins the behavior but it is not okay to hit because she is tired or hungry. That said you mentioned that one bedtime battle was because he was overtired. We hav efound in the last year that we need to keep a strict sleep schedule which includes a 7:00 bedtime (asleep by 7:30) for our 4 and 2yo and an 8:00 lights out for or 6 & 8 yo. Behavior problems have been less when the kids are well rested.

I'd recommend "Unconditional Parenting", by Alfie Kohn.

T.,
Sounds like you have a strong-willed little son. I think its good you take all the hard things out of his room and just let him have his tanrum till he calms down. Be sure to tell him in a neutral voice that when he calms down he can come out. You sound like you are very patient which is hard to be when our children dont act the way we want them too. As long as you stick with whatever you are doing, then he'll know you really mean it.
I teach second grade and I can always tell which students have parents who can say 'No' to their children and mean it. So many parents dont really mean it and give in to their children. Good Luck. It will pass. P.

Our son went through the terrible 3's too.
We are required to provide our kids with food, shelter clothing, medical care and love, everything else they have is a privelege at our discretion as parents.
Take away the things he loves - like TV, toys, play dates wit his buddies and he'll get the picture.
3 is old enough to understand there are behaviors that are not acceptible. For our son, we took away the TV/DVD's and at one point boxed up ALL of his toys and he had to earn them back 1 toy per week for good behavior. We don't tell him he is "bad" we explain that his behavior is unacceptible and after a warning he will be punished.
At this point - he's 5 - I just have to threaten to take something away and he changes his attitude right away.
Good luck!

My pediatrician recommended the book Positive Discipline.

Hi Theresa! I agree it is not just a boy thing. Consistency is the key in disciplining and sometimes it takes a good amount of time and energy to do it but you can win. He clearly has a goal of staying up and has refused to get the message. By trying different things you have given him the message that you're not sure what to do and that gives him room to keep it up. Tell him once that it's bed time and put him in his bed and do it over and over until he gives up. It might take an hour or more but as long as you don't give in he will eventually give up. I would also take toys and things that he can throw out of his room and not give them back until he stops. He isn't any different from a lot of kids who want their way but you must show him that you are the parent and he must do what you say, no questions asked. Have you ever watched Super nanny on TV. I don't usually recommend TV but it is good basic discipline. You will have a happier child if you do this even though it can be a temporary hell getting there. You can do this. Do not yell or scream or do it in anger. That just mirrors him. Good Luck and Happy New Year.

First off, it is definitely not a "boy thing." I have two step sons and four grandsons and the only one who acts like that has been diagnosed bipolar. I would suggest you talk to your doctor. the sooner you can have him diagnosed, the better. He could also be mildly autistic - autistic children have meltdowns when things are "different" than usual or they don't get their way. Either way, you should see a doctor and don't settle for "it's a boy thing" or he'll grow out of it. If something isn't done, it will get worse as he gets older.

I don't know how old he is, so it's hard to help you with a form a discipline :O)

I can say this.....both of my boys had more severe temper tantrums than my niece :O)

The trick for me, was to learn how to handle a situation BEFORE things got to the boiling point. Reminders, remiders, reminders are what helped me the most to prevent the meltdowns. This is when I started "counting down" 5 minutes and using the microwave timer to help me.

If your son is pretty young, then counting down can be hard at first because he won't know the sequence of 5,4,3,2,1.....you can help him learn this by "blasting off" one of his rockets, or something, so he gets familiar with the count. Then use the count by saying "in 5 minutes we are going to lay down to rest"....or to eat, or go home, or whatever......when they are young, it doesn't have to be minute-for-minute. It can be as long of a minute that YOU need :O) As long as he gets used to hearing ALL the numbers in the countdown, this will help you. Doin"t skip #'s, count them all down. When I got down to my last minute, I always had to remind my son(s) that the minute was almost up and we are "going to lay down"....always reinforce what he is expected to do after the time is up. It helps your "transitioning" if he knows what you will expect him to do next.

I remember some of my 5 minute countdowns lasting almost 30 minutes :o) It doesn't really matter when they are young, though, only as they get older they will know how to count time :o) My boys are now 7 & 13 and I still use a countdown on occassion when they are really having fun :O)

To make it easier for everyone else, I had a beanbag chair in our family room. Whenever the meltdowns began, my son had to be in that space (no toys around). He didn't want to be alone during his meltdown, is why it was centrally located :O) I allowed him to punch it and all to get out his frustrations. Although, I must admit, we didn't need the chair as much once I learned to countdown and give many reminders. It's so much eaiser on the kids if they know (in advance) what is expected of them.

I used the micorwave timer to make things happen faster :O) For things like getting dressed, brushing teeth, pick up the train track, etc.... I would set it at a realistic time, like 5 minutes for brushing teeth. If they got done BEFORE the timer went off, then there was a sense of accomplishment, and not so much the feeling of a chore.

In the meantime, your son may still throw things during his tantrums, as that is what he is accustomed to now as a behavior. He will learn otherwise. Keep reminding that it's not OK to throw things because he can hurt someone. You might even have to "pretend" to get hurt in order to get this point across (as i did long ago).

Boys have so much bodily energy, and their minds work so much....they have so many things planned to do in a such a short period of time :o) Counting down was the biggest help for them (and me), and I'm sure it will help you, too. They just need to learn how to transition themselves and their emotions. Even teachers give warnings to young students about what is expected of them in the upcoming minutes, so it would be something good for your son to work on anyway.

Also, always praise his good behavior, or when he does something you expected him to do. It will make him feel proud and want to please you again :O) Saying, "thank you for coming to eat so fast like I asked you to do" it a great way to see a smile from him :O)

I hope this helps you. Happy New Year!

~N. :O)

Happy New Year T.,
I have no idea why someone would foolishly say this is a boy thing! Thatis offensive to the mothers of little boys! Sorry but that it a hot button. All children need to know that the parent is in charge and not them, what the boundries are aand what the family expectations are so they know the limits you as parent set.
I am the mother of 5 children, and have raised several foster children as well. This is not just gender related, but to address your issue. Since your child is so young having a doctor talk to him can be fruitless as he may not have words to express his emotions and anger reasons. You are doing great with taking things out so no one will be hurt. I will share what we did for any child that used to throw tantrums & hope it can give you help. I'll say he or they as it was both and of many ages becasue of the children we had. We sat the children down and had few but firm rules. They knew I ment business so they knew what I'd do as consequences if they broke the rule. One daughter in a temper slammed the door- no problem I went out to the garage and got what I needed and took the door off. (for a month) never happened again.
1. I put the child into their bedroom.Why should the rest of the family be disturbed or punished for an out of control child. If they destroyed the room believe me they cleaned it up while I or Dad sat in a chair and read a book. I also would take anything that was broken and threw it away- no exceptions. Even at age 4 they are old enough to understand that it is a privleage to have the fun extras and that they can be taken from them (at 4 crayons taken for a day can be alot).
2. I would try and again it depended on the child-- hold the child and talk softly in their ear. Told them they were important and cared for and this 2 will pass. I spoke softly so they'd have to shut down a bit to hear me- soon it became calmer as I'd talk nowthis may take some time but it can work.
3. If a child hit another child out of anger, then the injured child could pick one thing of the hitters and throw it away. That really made an impact with several children.
Personally I believe that there is a time, place and wisdom to be used with swatting a child which is so different from heavy spanking~ just to get their attention and to calm down to focus. BUT if this is causing your other child to be in fear or for you having fear that he will hurt himself you must take firm action but do it with love and concern .
I have raised 3 sons and many foster sons who are still apart of my life. I know that the ones that had anger were good boys but needed firm boundries and to know what to expect at all times. I have a daughter in law, who is a wise young mother that has set times for things to happen in their home, dinner, bath, bed and even TV and playtime. After working all day she hated the chaos. Now they have firm rules that their young children yes one is 31/2, so they know what to expect and do it when told. She remains clam when they are defiant and in charge. I appreciate her so much because she is one that if her children are rude in a store she takes them right out and takes care of it rather than putting up witha public tantrum and she doesn't try to "talk or conjol the child into better behavior". Her pedi doc. said that was a great way to ruin a child and give the impression the child is in charge and not the parent. This sounds like it is breaking your heart. I promise you that once you find a way or 2 to help your son he will be the child that you enjoy and adore with fewer explosive times.
Parent hood is like a rooer coaster ride lots of twists and turns and adventure. But it is also a memory to love and enjoy aswell. Nana Glenda Just had another thought after reading your imput. We have a child that hated going to bed so much life was a mess- so out of desperation we put the mattress on the floor and we made a pile of blankets so she could nest like big bird and it had helped greatly.

HI T.,

I have a 4 year boy old also. And I will tell you that his tantrums have always been more impulsive, more explosive than my daughter who is a year and a half older.There are so many things that can be contributing to this behavior so this might be long!

I don't know what kind of sleep schedule you have your little guy on, but I have found that sleep is the single biggest contributor to his mood and daily temperament. If he's tired, his impulse control is out the window. Being hungry is a big one too. Make sure he has good balanced meals and snacks.

Secondly, I never really believed in time-outs for my kids until they got to be a certain age and their behaviors were just unacceptable for their age and there was no reason other than testing and lack of respect. HOWEVER, I don't believe that timeouts are solely the answer, and they have to be reserved for behavior that is clearly unacceptable. At 3 1/2 years old, you can explain to your son what the new rules will be and he will understand.

I would sit down with him when he's calm and say " Billy, we have some new rules in our house and I want to tell you what they are. No hitting. No spitting. No biting. No throwing things.No screaming at Mommy. If you do these things you will have to sit in the naughty chair for 3 minutes." Keep it simple and don't lose him by over talking. This only works if you are consistent every time he breaks the rules. Set the timer for 3 minutes. After the time out, you go to him and kneel down on his level and say, "Billy you had to sit in the chair because you hit sister. I need you to tell me you're sorry and then give him a hug. Then have him apologize to sister." If you can see his behavior escalating, for example if he is holding up an object to throw. Get on his level and calmly tell him in a firm low voice. "Billy. We don't throw. If you throw you have to sit in the naughty chair. Why are you so angry?"

I have found that trying to catch situations before they spin out and trying to talk them down works wonders. They are out of control and don't know how else to express their frustration and anger and need our help. Give him time warning so he knows what is going to happen next. "Billy, in 5 minutes it will be time for us to leave the park and you'll have to give the truck back." Then "Billy, 2 minutes left and we have to go." It's really hard for kids to transition as quickly and easily as us and they need to know what to expect. AND it's important to always walk over to him and talk to him calmly face to face. Don't yell at him from across the room while he's playing and expect him to hear you.

I also model behavior for my kids and validate their feelings. If they are angry because they can't have something I say, "Billy, I hear that you're angry because I wouldn't let you have another cookie. Can you use your words instead of throwing the plate?" If he doesn't understand "use your words" you can say... I don't understand what you need when you throw. Can you tell Mommy why you're mad?

It sounds like with your little guy, he doesn't know how to control his feelings and also that he hasn't had consistent boundaries to know what behaviors are ok and what is completely not ok. And his age has a lot to do with this too.

I would also take a look at the age of his sister and jealousy issues that may be coming from there and try to build that relationship if you think he's feeling like he's not getting enough from you. Try to find things that both kids can do together (guided by you) and praise his good behavior by saying specific words. " Billy! I really like how you shared with sister!" "Billy, thank you for asking with words instead of whining"

And make sure that he gets outside time to release energy. We find that we have to do this a couple times a day. Busy energy, quieter play, busy energy. I don't take my kids to the park for hours and hours to try to 'wear them out" just 1/2 hour bursts a couple times a day seems to help them.

If you think his behavior is really extreme and you've been consistent with some behavior management techniques, you could have him evaluated, but I wouldn't jump to medication. There is often an answer right there that just takes some hard work and understanding.

If you have time issues (don't we all), let him know that too. "Billy, I want to play with you, but first I'm going to finish doing the dishes." Then make sure you follow through with some quality play after you finish the dishes.

I hope some of what I said helps! Good luck!!!!

Dear T., you are so right!! It is not just a "boy thing". Sound like a medical professional is what you need. He may have a problem that can be helped with medication or with the help of a psychologist or a child development specialist.

I am sure he is no happier than you are with this behavior. One thing I would suggest is to talk with him after he calms down and ask him how he feels and if he wold like to try a better way to deal with his anger, frustration, sadness etc. How verbal is he? Sometimes a lot of violent behavior is related to not knowing how to express oneself and to be heard. That is why little children in pre-school. are always encouraged to "use your words". Suggest he say, "I feel sad." "I am scared" "I am really angry when you do that" "I don't like that!" instead of acting it out. I just might scare him to do what he does, he just doesn't know any alternative and it is now a habit.

Best of luck to you in working this out as a family, but don't hesitate to get some help. Start with your doctor..

N.

One thing is not to let him get to nap or bed late as being tired makes it worse. Put him in a safe place and let him go at it with his temper. He will get tired and calm down eventually. Then talk to him and tell him how he needs to behave. Little by little his melt downs will be less as he isn't getting anything out of them because you are not paying attention or talking to him while is he doing this. Praise him when his behavior is good and he is being nice to his sister. This too will pass.

Someone else mentioned the book "1 2 3 Magic". Its simple and it works. Good luck