Disciplining 11 Year Old Stepdaughter

You and your husband need to be on the same parenting page.
As long as husband makes a token effort by yelling and then shrugging his shoulders saying he tried - your problem isn't the step daughter - it's your husband.
He's not going to 'get it' on his own and he feels he's already stepping up - it's just ineffective.
Some family counseling might help.

the 11 year old isn't the problem. your husband is.

focus less on her and put your efforts into working on him to get him to partner you and parent her.

if he refuses, there's nothing you can do except decide if he's worth it.

you're not 'the disciplinary.' you're the stepmom. you are absolutely right that this is your husband's job.

so don't blame the kid.
khairete
S.

My ex husband was a yeller too. Hence the "ex".

Talk to your husband. It's his job and he's slacking on it. He needs to sit his daughter down and give her a little talk about trash going in the trashcan, etc. And from now on she will go throw things away when he asks her to. Then instead of just yelling at her, he says (calmly) go throw this away. Now. I'll wait. He makes sure she physically throws away her trash EVERY time. Our son is 14 and tends to be lazy when it comes to things he doesn't want to do. It takes so much patience. I swear it takes years of reminders before he just starts doing things himself without us standing over him making sure he does it. The first stage (with him) is he would get angry and refuse (this was when he was younger. He would get a consequence, blow up, when he calmed down he still had to do what we asked, but by that time he would just do it). Then after that he would just try to be resistant to doing it. Then later he would grouchily just go do it bc he knows we are not giving in. Then he just will do it (with a good attitude)...he knows he has to. Now that he's older he's much more mature about doing things he knows he needs to (chores and what not). Our daughter isn't like this at all. It's a personality thing I guess. PS - Your husband is doing lazy parenting right now. He needs to cut that out and follow through. Yes, parenting is work.

It is your hubby's job however since its a problem that's easily solved I'd say you can sit down with your 11 SD and let her know that she needs to be a little cleaner when visiting. When there's trash everywhere pull out the trash can, hand it to her and let her know that its time to take a minute to clean up.Same when her stuff is all over the house. Just tell her to take a minute and gather everything in one place so she'll know where everything is when its time to go home.I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Pretty typical behavior for an 11 yr old.

I'm a stepmom. You're a stepmom. It's not your job, it's not my job.

My suggestion is that you plan a whole bunch of activities or visits to friends/relatives on the weekends when your stepdaughter is scheduled to be at your house. You say to your husband, "I want you to have some good father-daughter bonding time. Enjoy!" Tell her the same thing - "special time with Daddy." Then leave. Do not pre-cook meals, do not make sure her special shampoo or foods are in stock. Do not do his laundry. Don't do anything. This is his daughter and he can parent her and run the house.

If there's any of your stuff she'll get into, then lock it up or leave it with a friend. Don't call home to see how they are managing or to tell them where to find the dinner fixings. Text and say "I love you" and that's it!

If you get home and there's stuff everywhere, don't say a word. Just put it all in a big garbage back or cardboard box, and put it in the garage. If anyone wants to find something, just say, "I had to clean a little so I could walk without tripping, so if you're missing anything, check the bag in the garage." If you're pressed, calmly say, "It's not my stuff and I didn't want to interfere. I didn't know if you were done with it or wanted to keep it, so I saved it all for you to decide." Same line whether it's your husband or your stepdaughter. Say it cheerfully without defensiveness - which is the hardest thing.

If this causes a rift between you and your husband, go to counseling. FInd out why you put up with this, find out why your husband has 2 marriages without good communication.

Read the book Smart Disciple by Larry Koenig. It completely changed my approach to parenting.
https://www.amazon.com/Smart-Discipline-Lasting-Solutions...

Another resource is Celebrate Calm. http://www.celebratecalm.com/

It IS his job. It is his daughter, and at the very least, he should be supporting you in getting her to clean up after herself if he is not willing to be the one to set the rules because he is too lazy. It's a very important lifelong skill that she will need in life, even if she goes to a friend's house to spend a few hours or for a sleepover, she needs to be considerate of others and keep track of her stuff. His yelling is only going to make her rebel or yell back. Why can't he talk to her in a normal tone of voice like you do?