Discipling a 12-Year-old

Whew. I have a 12 year old son as well. They have that "I'm a man" but "I don't want any responsibility" thing going on. They have a lot going on with them. My son is a GREAT kid. Truly. But boy can he drive me up the wall sometimes too. And the attitude? blech. (How's that for sympathy?)

Do you have any help with him? Any male role models in his life? A coach? A Sunday School teacher? An uncle? What about his dad?
What sorts of things does he like to do? My son has been in karate since he was 5 and the role models that he has in that karate school are PHENOMENAL. Old guys, middle aged guys, young men, high school kids, .... and then the kids who are SMALLER than him that HE gets to mentor.... It is an amazing dynamic. Could you get him to give martial arts a shot? They are really supportive of single moms, and also really expect a lot of respect, honor and integrity out of their students.

Mine was 10 when some of this started. When my hubby was deployed I had a neighbor on a different deployment schedule check in on my son. It was a casual thing, the neighbor, a not a huge guy but a tough Marine, would catch him outside and pay attention him. .
Sometimes he would come over and lay into him when my son was being a real terd, sometimes he would just see him outside and ask what the coolest book in 5th grade was this week.
So try to find a male role model.
Actions speak louder than words.
PAy attention to his good points.
Thank him for helping you do dishes, make beds, laundry, etc.
Find a good youth group, this helped us when mine was in high school.
Get him involved in band, orchestra, sports, gives him something to channel his energy into.
Give him a day that he is responsible , with your help, to make the dinner.

And you are doing the best you can. He is listening to you and wants and needs you to stand up to him and he does love you M..

I think boys this age need consistent reinforcement in order for it to be a positive outcome. They are becomming teenagers and they think all adults are idiots and have NO idea what it's like being young.
Your message gave me mixed feelings. You say he is "completely out of control", "I can't believe I am really his mother." , and then you say " I fantasize about a life without him". Is your child getting all of the love and attention you can possibly give? I disagree completely with head games and emotional blackmail as a way of encouraging your child to act better.
This will not help him in developing relationships as he matures. Your past regressions with your own mother are damaging your parent child relationship. You need to get over what ever wrongs you did to her, and make peace with yourself if she has passed.
We as parents all make mistakes, but we also learn that so did our parents. The point is that we learn from those mistakes. Take a little advice here and there, and cut and paste where you see fit. Never let him forget that you are his mother, you love him indefinately, and will always be a stable factor in his life that he can count on. Be consistent in your love as well as your hand. Good luck.

My aunt who raised me had already raised many other children when I pulled the 11 year old I hate you speech she just said shuushy fushy and waved her arm at me.
Then she said yes I know it's the 11 year old's speech.
I really loved her but wanted more freedom.
I used what she used, no tv for 3 days, or no phone calls this afternoon, or no friends over or go to you room until I call you.
Stick with it. It's your house and you are THE MOM #1.

Check your local Library they may have this on cd or barnes and noble. Parenting with love and logic! It is awesome, they have one for teens as well. Jim Fay did a wonderful job with this. It is not a quick fix but there are a lot of things you can institute immediately and nothing will work overnight but if you stick with it it will work!
Their website is http://www.loveandlogic.com

Hugs! You are going through a tough time. So is he! Realize that and do your best to have patience. You are the adult so make sure you are acting like one- no games. It sounds like he is hurting. He's angry at you, but he loves you. Get to the bottom of the anger. Maybe he's actually angry at someone else or a situation and is taking it out on you. It's okay to be angry, but it's not okay to behave the way he has been. Let him know that. Boys, especially, need positive outlets for their negative feelings. Sports can help... even punching a pillow! Once you allow him to let the steam explode in an appropriate way you can find out what is behind it! I have two boys and two girls. My oldest (boy) is 13 and we are there with you! Try to get on his side- after all you reallyneed to be a team and YOU are the coach- and figure out the reasons behind the behavior. Good luck mama! This is a rocky ride, but it really can be rewarding if you put positive energy into figuring it out!

Hang in there. I know how hard it can be, but it can get better. We also use Love and Logic like someone else mentioned. It's fabulous! The main suggestion I would make is to be consistent, and don't ever make threats unless you plan on carrying them out. Show your son how much you love him, but continue to give consequences for poor choices. Also praise him when he improves his behavior. I love the suggestions others have made regarding martial arts and seeking a male mentor for him. Take care of yourself as well. Parenting can be hard work. You need to take time for yourself so that you will have the energy to care for your son.

Do you best to raise him the best you can. Both my sons make 6 figure incomes and I know they will take care of my poor, ol' butt one day when that time comes. You want him to become a success story. Let him know you will be having an Army recruiter come to the house on his 18th birthday to take him away if he doesnt do well in school and prepare to be college bound with a goal.
It's not easy turning boys into men, especially by yourself. Hopefully he has some uncles and a grandpa and some other good male role models that can sort of step in and help you out. If he is feeling sorry for himself he may just go a wrong route as he gets older. You only have 6 more years before he becomes a man. Thats not very long to prepare him for the real world. but the empty nest is a refreshing place to be when you know your kids are now fine without you.

Hugs to you! I second the martial arts. My son has been in taekwondo for the past 4 years. He is 10 so we may be where you are soon. His Sr instructor will not allow him to behave badly. It is a great support group of all ages.

Get him involved in a good church that specifically has a program for youth or middle schoolers...it sounds like he is trying to find his independence...so he must be in an environment with adults that can guide him...that person can't b you...it has 2 b someone else. Church and the word of god will teach him that he must respect you and remind him of the sacrifices that you have made. Honor your parents and your days will be long......his feeling and emotions are all tied up in puberty and his emotional development...what u r speaking about is normal behavior stuff. He needs an adult that can provide him with good guidance during the time of development..........get him involved in church

Updated

Get him involved in a good church that specifically has a program for youth or middle schoolers...it sounds like he is trying to find his independence...so he must be in an environment with adults that can guide him...that person can't b you...it has 2 b someone else. Church and the word of god will teach him that he must respect you and remind him of the sacrifices that you have made. Honor your parents and your days will be long......his feeling and emotions are all tied up in puberty and his emotional development...what u r speaking about is normal behavior stuff. He needs an adult that can provide him with good guidance during the time of development..........get him involved in church

Hi D., I'm also a single mom with 3 sons. Two are teenagers, 15.5 and 13. When my oldest was in middle school I felt like you do now, but it will get better as he matures. By the time he was halfway through eighth grade he'd already started settling down so I know my 13yr old will too. Hold your ground with the rules and even though he doen't seem to listen, he is. He will eventually repeat your rules to you letting you know that you weren't setting those rules in vain.

This is a difficult age, and your son needs a father-figure in his life. He is becoming a man, and needs to be able to look up to a man for advice, male bonding, and all that stuff. Click here [http://wwnh.wordpress.com/content/] and scroll down to "Weans, tweens and teens" for some excellent advice; as well as the "What Moms Never Hear" posts, and this [http://wwnh.wordpress.com/2011/01/17/1157-some-principles....