Discipline Techniques

I have a couple questions...
Do you involve the older daughter in everything you do with the younger daughter, such as feedings, diaper changes, playtime, everything?
If you don't maybe this would be a great way for all of you to interact together and she can feel like a big girl helping mommy vs her directing her attention to getting in trouble to get mommy's attention.
Also, How long has she been doing this? Since the babies birth or just recently since you have gone back to work?
I think it's most likely she knows she has a certain amount of time with you and she wants it all, which is understandable because like you said she had all the attention 6mths ago and she doesn't have it now so she is getting it the only way that is working (bad or good).
My suggestion would be to involve her as much as possible with everything you do. Find quality time with her when your getting ready in the morning, or have her help you with little things that make her feel special because she can do it and her baby sister can't.
I hope this helped some. Good Luck.

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K.

I had to laugh, because this sounds like my 2 and a half year old after his sister (5 months) came along. I think part of it is his age, and the other part jealousy - even though he is very proud of his sister. I don't do quite what you do, but freeze is also a word I use with him alot lately!

I think you are right, most of the behavior seems to be attention seeking. Your daughter is looking for it, whether it be positive or negative... With my son, I have been working hard to phrase things in the positive - it got difficult to remember not to just say "no!" in the sleep deprivation after the baby. I also have been trying to be consistent with a form of the 1,2,3 Magic program. If he is doing something he knows he shouldn't I tell him "That's One" (his warning). If he does it again "That's Two." If we get to "That's Three" he knows it means time out (at his age, just a brief separation from what is going on) Of course, I have to make sure he is acutally hearing me when I start - sometimes he is so into what he is doing he isn't hearing me! I find this is working with him. It can be used no matter where we are.

Whatever you try I think the key is to be consistent. Good luck.

hi,
i understand, my daughter was 2.5 when i had my 2nd daughter. i decided to put her to work, rather than constant yelling. let her help with the baby. help with baths, holding the bottle. show her how to play. that helped a little, then i started letting her help with the house work, that made her feel like a big girl. i let her help with the cooking, her food only, like placing things in the micro wave, or getting the pots, or setting the table, her dishes only, plastic. sometimes putting them to work takes there mind off being mischievious. now she is 4 and my biggest helper, when we shop she helps, oh, taking evening walks trained her to walk by my side and when we went to stores she stayed by my side. with my youngest, i took a different approach, i have a ruler, and i popped her 1 time with it, that is all it took, all i have to say is where is my ruler and she stops her misbehaving immediately. i dont have to discpline her with anything, just a word. she is 2 now and soooo easy to deal with.

Please take her to counseling immediately. I have seen this scenario too many time with only the worst results due to my job. Normal jealousy does NOT include hurting their siblings especially babies in the way you described. She is in her terrible two's which adds to the problem in your home and that is to expected, but not to the extreme you are telling us. So ask your pediatrician for a referral or call the closest children's hospital. There is free help out there if you don't have insurance for counseling.

I hear that you are torn between the care and love you are giving to each child. Get a sitter or family member to take care of your baby so you can spend quality time with your two year old. Please don't praise here for every single thing because you are telling her that all of her behavior is good. Only praise her when she does something good; breathing is definitely not one of them. Has she digressed since the birth of your new one? At this age taking away her things won't work. Teach her how to help you to take care of the baby and supervise her every single second. You WILL feel awful and resent her for the rest of your life if she injures or kills your baby. Those are the facts. The sooner you get help the easier it will be.

My husband went through this with our daughter. The reason I say he went through it is because she seemed to act out in front of him and now we know it was to get his attention. He was a yeller and would yell and make threats that he never followed through on. Of course kids can quickly learn that yelling and threats are not big deals. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all like that. It just seemed when she didn't get enough attention, that's what happened.

My husband first had to stop yelling. It didn't do any good and only stressed everyone out. My daughter is a drama queen so she became more dramatic when he yelled. Well, he's kind of dramatic too, lol. Anyway, that calmed everything down a lot.

Second, we had to figure out what consequences really got to her. Timeouts just didn't seem to work with her. There were times I would put her in timeout and I'd hear her singing! So I found that losing something works. I can put her purse on top of the fridge for an hour and that works. Or she'll lose computer time. I use timeouts if it's something like fighting with her brother. Sometimes she needs to get away by herself because she's mad. My son would rather me do anything but timeouts. He even turned his bottom to me one day because he'd rather get a spanking than timeout. So timeouts really work with him : )

I have also found that positive reinforcement goes such a long way with her. If we focus on the bad with her, the bad gets worse. If we focus on the good, the good gets so much better.

So when she does something she knows she shouldn't do, say hitting her brother. I'll swat her bottom or put her purse on top of the fridge for awhile. I don't yell or get mad. I just talk to her calmly and ask her why she's in trouble. I have her apologize to her brother (and vice versa if he's doing it too). I give out the consequence and quickly move on. When I see the two of them playing together nicely or doing something nice for each other, I do make a big deal about that. So they get consequences. Kids need to know there's consequences to their actions whether it's good or bad. I just try to focus more on the good.

With your daughter, she's pretty young. When she does something to her baby brother, I would talk calmly to her about it. Maybe have her give him a hug and smile big and make a big deal about it. Let her know that pushing is not what you're supposed to do. When she does it again, put her in timeout. With that age I would only let it be 1 or 2 minutes. Use a timer if needed.

Also, could the two of you get some time by yourself? Even if it's just the two of you coloring or something while somebody else watches the baby. I'm sure that would help too.

L.

I recommend Dr. Harvey Karp's HAPPIEST TODDLER on the Block methods! They are AWESOME .... they help PREVENT these behaviors. Check his web site for the DVD --- I've seen it many times (as I workwith parents of babies up to age 5, and have shown it many times).
www.thehappiestbaby.com all parents of toddlers MUST check this out!!!
Good luck! W.

WOW...your situation is IDENTICAL to what we went through...same age gap, same sexes, same exact issues!!!!!!! My daughter would do ANYTHING for attention...good or bad, as long as our baby boy wasn't the entire focus, she was a barbarian! We also tried redirecting...games...taking stuff away...nothing worked. We finally found that time-out...in a pack-and-play..used consistently...did the trick. We also used the whole positive reinforcement marbles in a jar to get rewards tool...that was effective. My husband and I also had "date nights" just with her...that was a HUGE thing. Just going to get ice cream, having that one on one with either parent for an hour, made a big difference in her attitude. Also, including her in "big girl" chores such as unloading the dishwasher, putting her laundry away, making the bed, mixing scrambled eggs, etc helps her to feel like she's contributing to the family rather than looking in from the outside as the baby is coddled a lot. We had some serious struggles for a long time...but keep this in mind, our children are now 4 and almost 3...and they get along famously and the behaviors have improved tremendously. It gets easier....email me if you need more suggestions! Good luck!

Read anything by John Rosemond... he's my idol. Tough, but fair, doesn't believe in hitting or yelling. But is old-fashioned and has some very interesting ideas about discipline. I think he's got it right (at least from what I remember about my childhood and what seems totally different these days with other parents).

Good luck!
K.