E.B.
One of my son's doesn't respond to negative. Only positive. So instead of punishing the negative I reward the positive.
I have 3 kids ages 6. 4. and 1 1/2. I'm more so asking this about my two older children. But does anyone know of any other types of discipline other than spanking, time-out, or taking something away from them (i.e. tv, computer, toy etc)??? what I'm doing doesn't seem to be working and I just want other creative ideas.
One of my son's doesn't respond to negative. Only positive. So instead of punishing the negative I reward the positive.
Try "Positive Discipline." That essentially consists of ignoring negative behavior and rewarding positive behavior.
What you are doing (punishment) is not working. So stop all the punishing and start using Positive discipline.
I agree with positive discipline. I don't remember when the last time I really "punished" my 3 (almost 4) year old... And I get compliments quite often on her behavior. She has normal problems that come with her age, but instead of focusing in that, I focus on the things she does that I like, and praise her for good behavior instead of punishing bad.
Of course, I don't completely ignore bad behavior either. (Well, actually I do...) when she is throwing a fit, I typically acknowledge whatever it is that is making her upset... Then I give her a chance to fix her behavior, or she can go into her room until she can calm down and act appropriately.
ETA: oh yes, can't forget about those natural consequences... Just doing what makes sense at the time, and is directly related to the behavior. Like earlier today... My DD got frustrated that she couldn't open the wrapping on a new book, and threw it across the room. I told her that throwing things in anger is not acceptable, and the book went on top of the refrigerator until she could calm down and try again nicely. After about 5 minutes she asked for her book back, then tried to open it again. It was still too much for her, but instead of getting angry about it she came to me and asked me to get it started for her. I told her how nice it was that she stayed calm and asked for help, then we read the book together. :)
oh my word...I had a good response typed and BAM!!! It's off in cyber land!!
Welcome to mamapedia, Sammie Joy!!
You had kids young and fast!! I bet it's been stressful. But you can do this. I bet you are doing a lot right. It just doesn't feel like it. Here's what I can tell you what I've learned in my going on 28 years as a parent.
1. Consistency counts.
a. No means No. doesn't matter how many times nor how many ways - NO MEANS NO.
b. discipline is the same for everyone.
c. House rules. Set up house rules and make the consequences the same for everyone.
d. don't play favorites. I know there are times it's hard. But it's true. It creates a lot of problems in the dynamics of the family.
2. Electronics.
a. Get a timer. When it goes off - it's done. game over.
b. No electronics for games until homework is done. Period.
3. Spanking.
a. I've learned that it only works for SERIOUS infractions - like running out in the street and getting their immediate attention. Now, I've really not had to worry about that for some time -
b. we made the rule to "hold the car" when we got out of the car. that means they put their hands on the side of the car until I was ready to hold hands and proceed.
4. Routines. Kids CRAVE routine. Yes, there are some that don't - those are few and far between.
a. Get a routine in place. A schedule and stick to it.
b. bed time the same time. Bath, brush, book, bed, prayers.
c. Bag drag - we do this every night after dinner. They need to bring me what they are wearing the next day - shoes, socks, pants, top, jacket. No excuses for not being ready in the AM before it's time to walk out the door.
5. Responsibility. Kids LOVE to help.
a. Your 4 year old can help set the table for meals.
b. Your 6 year old can help pour drinks and get the plates.
c. all of your kids can pull the covers over their beds in the morning - it doesn't have to be perfect - it just needs to be 'made'
d. kids need to put away what they take out. Even your 1 1/2 year old can put away toys he/she took out. They took 'em out? They can put 'em away.
6. Respect.
a. Just because they are kids doesn't mean they don't deserve respect.
b. ASK them to do something - do NOT tell them.
c. treat them the way you want to be treated.
7. Yelling. What I've learned? The minute you start yelling, you've lost control.....does that mean I've NEVER EVER yelled? Nope. I have. But not as frequently. Talk nicely. I've learned to BREATHE!!! Take that deep breath and let it out slowly. So when you feel the need to yell. Take a deep breath and regain your composure and ASK nicely.
8. Positive - caught being good. Kids LOVE to please. So when they are caught being good? It will influence them and their behavior when they know they will get rewarded or "caught being good"
You wanted new and creative ideas?
Re-direct. When they whine about something? Tell them you can't hear them through that whine...or ask them if they would like cheese with that whine.
When my boys are fighting with each other - being jerks to each other? I make them sit with their knees touching and they have to say something nice about the other. it drives 'em nuts when they are mad at each other. So they've learned to breathe and stop and challenge - is this temper tantrum worth it???
My boys when they are fighting over a toy? I give them a chance to work it out on their own. If I have to get involved - the toys gets taken away...and since mine are 11 & 13 - we're talking DS and XBOX. They work it out.
I count. My boys know that when I start counting from 5 - their cute little butts better be moving and doing what I asked them to do. If it's not done? they lose out on electronics time. Since mine are older? I also make them do sit ups and push ups...works better than any "time out" or spanking...
I know there is more. But I have stuff to do!!
hope this helps!
The style of "discipline/punishment" will need to be based on your parenting style.
It is something that you work on all day every day., so that the children know the rules, the expectations and can expect what will happen if they make poor choices.
Children thrive on rules, expectations and their parents attention. Children do not even realize this. But as parents we become in tune with the why our children do the things they do and can guide our children into making good choices.
A lot of parent son here use the 123 Magic as their guide. http://www.123magic.com/
It seems to work for most children. Get a copy, see if you can find a copy at the library, used book store or ask your friends, if you cannot afford a new copy..
Having options is the best answer I can give you. And then keeping the expectations going. That is why reading a few parenting books is great,
they will give you some options based on each of your children.
A whiny child
You tell the child, "I do not answer whining, I need you to go to your room and find your regular voice. "
A child that says they are bored all of the time, you assign a chore to them, every time.
A child that back talks? You tell them, they "need to go to their room and not come back until they have a better answer. We do not treat each other this way in our family. "
There are more options, you just need to read about them and have these in your parenting pocket to use as neccessary,
And all of these expectations, must be held to at all times. Your children are depending on it.
Loosey Goosey parenting does not work. It can all be positive parenting, as long as you stick to your expectations of each child.
I didn't really do discipline or punishment at that age. I let them suffer the natural consequences of their behavior:
-if they can't get along/share they get separated
-if they whine/complain after being told no they go to their rooms
-if they want to watch TV before school they need to be fully dressed/teeth brushed FIRST
-if they use a toy or something else in a dangerous way they lose it
I could go on and on but you get the idea. This is how kids learn, if I do X then Y will happen, and that's what you're doing at this age, you are responsible for TEACHING them how to behave.
Stay calm, stay consistent and above all else don't argue with them. You are the mom, but THEY are responsible for their behavior and resulting actions.
ETA: and as others have said, praise goes a LONG way, so make sure you point that out and thank them often, for being kind, for cleaning up, sharing, being patient, etc. Young kids WANT to be good, but they do so much better with lots of positive reinforcement. If you ever observe at preschool you will see the teachers doing this a lot, because it works!
Positive discipline is so much better. Both for the child and the parents. It is not lenient or slacker parenting and probably takes more work than punitive or authoritarian parenting. I love Laura Markham's site ahaparenting.com.
We do not threaten DS, put him in time out or impose 'conseqences' which is just a fancy word for punishment. When he was 1-1/2 we primarily gave him choices and distracted him from what we didn't want him to do. Impulse control in the toddler is a result of prefrontal cortex development and all the love and logic in the world doesn't change that. Time does. When he was 4-6 we spent much more time talking to him, giving him choices whenever possible (of course not for safety issues) and modeling the behaviors we wanted him to learn. He is currently 8 and has never been hit by an adult, put in time out, sent to his room or punished. He is not perfect but according to all his teachers (from daycare through now) he is enthusiastic, outgoing, well behaved and empathetic. We get regular compliments from people at restaurants (the nice ones, not the 'family friendly' kind -don't do those) and fellow airline passengers (we fly frequently). And I get to enjoy my son and feel we are on the same side rather than always feeling I am always the enforcer.
We went to a parenting coach. He suggested that we needed to break the cycle of having all of the interractions be about behavior and discipline, and have some purposeful playing time with each child (child led, with overarching boundaries (no hitting, no yelling etc)). This would help to strengthen intimacy, and positive feelings between us which would then make discipline easier and more effective.
He also had us do compliance exercises. Ask the kid to do something you are 100% sure that he will do without protest, then praise the heck out of them for doing it. It fosters better listening and more compliance.
Finally, he suggested having consistent rules and expectations, and reviewing them before a situtation, together with the consequence so that the child can know what to do/ not to do. i.e. we'll be going to a restaurant where we sit down nicely in our seats, we speak quietly, we don't throw food, we wait for everyone to be finished before we excuse ourselves. if you behave well, you can ask for the check. if you fail to behave, we will do a time out in the restroom.
Best,
F. B.
When my boys were 8&9 they argued constantly. Drove me nuts. One day I said if they argued again they were going to start doing lines. They were like big deal whatever, rolled there eyes and went back to arguing. I put them at opposite ends of the table handed them each an encyclopedia and made them copy a page each time they started fighting. Let me tell you they were pissed but it stopped the arguing. And bonus they knew everything our children's encyclopedia could teach them about aardvaks and the other kids started on a book that started with pandas.
Something we did with the younger one who is quite a bit younger was to make him do a job that benefited the family when he did something to annoy the family. So he along with the other two (learned this trick a little later lol) had to do extra jobs, dust baseboard, clean kitchen chair and table legs, sort laundry, organize the silverware drawer, organize canned food or my middle son's most dreaded job go through cookbooks and make a minute for the week that everyone would eat. He hated this one the worst. Because he didn't like to eat lol.
I am a big fan of the book 1,2,3 magic. Do you have it? If not get it. It's a wonderful book and it works if you consistently follow through.
I think you've received some good responses.
Remember that these will work the best for yoru 6 year old.
Otherwise redirecting & time outs (1 min per year of age) for the 4 yr old
And not much but redirecting for the 1 1/2 yr old. Too young for much else.
I bet you're doing a lot right, just maybe not soon enough (before you get fed up) and consistently enough.
I don't know any well-behaved kids whose parents got to "skip discipline" altogether (not that that is what you're saying-would be nice, no one likes enforcing discipline!), though some on this site claim it's doable. So definitely try positive reinforcement only rather than negative consequences, but if that doesn't pan out, toughening up usually works to get kids back in line. My house is extremely positive and loving and full of praising right actions, but my kids still needed firm discipline.
If you're looking for DIFFERENT negative consequences to the normal ones, my oldest (7) occasionally gets warned she won't get to go to a party at the YMCA if she doesn't finish cleaning her room etc, but she believes my warning from her past foundation, and she's old enough to do right of her own accord so...I don't think it's really the warnings or specific consequences that matter once kids get that old. What matters is that in the past, super bad behavior was never allowed to escalate, so it's not a challenge now.
But technically, find what they most dread (usually a traditional method is effective for that if it's firm enough), warn them that it will happen EVERY TIME they act out after ONE WARNING, and follow through until they quit testing you and get in the habit for right behavior. Don't let them drive you to yelling and nagging, you need to take action way before that point or they'll never get in the habit of responding without a battle.
And keep them busy. When mine start acting up, and instant assignment of a chore usually puts them in proper manners right away! Sometimes I make them do the chore, sometimes I just wanted them to stop attempting to get crazy. Either way, that's pretty effective, even for my 4 year old.
Again, it's based on how calm, consistent and confident you've been about doling firm consequences after minimal warnings in the past. They know you love them, but they fully understand they are acting wrongly and therefore they have been warned, and they need to stop.
redirect-make them do another activity. If it continues, make the activity a chore. teach them a skill. a 4 year old knows colors and can sort laundry. It makes them busy and they learn a skill.
If they are fighting have them sit on the couch holding hands for a few minutes. Or have them stand nose to nose.
I do think the punishment needs to fit the crime. It needs to relate to what they are doing and correct or change the adverse behavior.
At that age natural consequences and redirection are the way to go. We used time out for difficult behavior but didn't really call it time out. We'd just say go to your room, you may come out when you can control yourself. If they are whining, they lose what they're whining for. If they're swinging a broom around I'd say "brooms are for sweeping" and show them how to sweep. Swing it around again, they'd lose the broom.
You get the idea. It takes a bit of time to figure out the appropriate response to their behavior but I found that in the long run we spent a lot less time needing to discipline.
Love and logic - check the website, hit the library or bookstore for books. It's really helpful, makes discipline a "team" effort, and gives the kids enough "power" in the relationship that helps them make good decisions, as well as helping you educate them on natural consequences. It takes a bit more work, and is a long term process, but really great.
I found that, especially with my oldest, that redirecting really helped at times. I also used time outs when I had to, but a lot of times the redirecting helped and I didn't need to use a time out.
She definitely responded to positive discipline better than negative. The negative would make her more negative and turn into a tantrum and ended up being more of a problem.
This is the way I used it: Like if they're climbing on the furniture and getting a little wild. Think of something quick and easy to break it up and you act excited about it and usually they will get distracted to find out what's going on.
Such as " Wow, it's snack time, Come over here and let's make it together!"....or " Gosh, I feel like dancing, come on guys and turn on some fun music." Or " Wow, Can you build me a super tall tower ( with blocks or whatever), how high can you make it? Or " The piano and table really need dusting, I think you'd do a great job with that!"
Anyway, it sounds a little cheesy, but it really worked a lot. I won't say all the time, but a lot. You just have to get creative and be ready with some options for them.
Now, if they are hitting or something or being really mean, I would use a time out or take something away, but for everyday little kid stuff...such as wildness, frustration, not sharing, etc... it seemed to work.
Get this book: The Secret of Parenting:How to Be in Charge of Today's Kids from Toddlers to Pre-Teens without Threats or Punishment by Anthony Wolf. It's an enjoyable read with tons of real life examples that will make you laugh out loud. It addresses everything from tantrums, back talk and whining to sibling rivalry. He coaches parents on how to act swiftly, decisively and consistently and advises when to not act at all.
I have used Wolf's method with my kids (13, 11, 6, 4, & 2). It's simple and it works. Try it!
T. Y
SAHM to 5
First and foremost, you are the parent, you set the guidelines. Parenting your children is disciplining. The term discipline really means - a system of rules of conduct or method of practice - so PRACTICE being the parent you want around your child. If they are doing something you don't like tell them what you DO like. You are the guide, the role model, the final decision.
It is very simple. It may not be easy, but it is simple. You state in a very clear tone, "we do not do that in our family. Are you part of this family? Fine then we don't do that (whatever the behaviour is). If you want something, need something are upset about something we discuss it, we don't (whine, be disrespectful whatever the behaviour) in this family. So in this family we discuss what we want. Are you part of this family? Great, then let's discuss it. Do you need a minute to think about what you want to say? (Give him the opportunity to calm down and formulate his thoughts)"
Be firm, but not mean. Be straight, no guesswork on his part. There are no consequences, just facts. In this family we do this, and this is what we don't do. Fact. No story, no explanation, no variations. You MUST have your husband on board.
The other day we were at a friends place visiting. I told both my daughters we needed to leave by 6:30 to get home in time for my conference call at 7 PM. I said: We will say our good byes at 6:20 and be in the car, backing out of the driveway before 6:30. Tonight I have a conference call and we will be home in time, alright? Everyone agreed. At 6:10 I reminded them we had to leave in 10 mins. My daughter's friend said, "Can Taylor Rae stay and play longer and my mom will drive her home?" Taylor Rae answered and said, "nope, we can't". I didn't have to say anything. It was already decided earlier.
Some might argue for negotiation skills...seizing the opportunity, but you know what, there are some non negotiables. Brushing their teeth is a non negotiable, drinking their nutritional shake in the AM is a non negotiable, getting in the car so that I was on time for my team call...a non negotiable. They know the rules, they know their boundaries and we never have or will have the whining, the disrespect etc.