Discipline Help (11 and 13 Year Old)

I have 2 kids. 11 and 13. The only thing that works for me is making them look me in the eyes (so I'm sure I have their full attention before I speak), speak what I need and if they don't do it, no privileges, no leaving the house, no phone time, no nothing until that gets done. After the first 3 or 4 times, they now understand. It's what I call "speak softly but carry and big stick"... :)

When each of my children turned 13 I changed the way I parented to get them to think things through so they could make good choices. They aren't little kids who you can boss around anymore. Let the 13 yr old know that she's getting older which means she gets additional perks but it also means she has to step up with additional responsibilities. Her main responsibility will be to mirror good behavior with her 11 yr old sister.

Sit the girls down and set house rules and punishments for not following the rules. That way everyone will be on the same page. Instead of having privileges given make them earn privileges by following the rules.

Each kid has his or her own triggers. For my SD, it was social time. For my SS it was video games and money. Use what works for each kid.

I also think that many times it is more effective to lay it out calmly and not respond in a way that ratchets up the volume. If you don't drop to their level, then it may not be such an argument.

Sometimes it isn't even about the thing in front of you. It's about something else. Maybe your kid wants to do something different in the morning because it's important to them. Find out what the real problem is, and realize that not every issue needs to be a big hairy deal. You have a 17 yr old, so did she have a very different personality or did things work for her that you haven't tried on the younger two?

You might also sit down and think of the top two or three problems you have with each child and start to address them one at a time.

How to talk so your child will listen is a good book, IMO. You might find that a suggestion like making a list of solutions will get your child involved in a solution without so much drama.

When I was a teen, one of my biggest problems with my mom was inconsistency - hers. We fought A LOT in part because I never knew if what she approved yesterday was OK today. Can I go to a friend's house? No? Why not? "Because I don't feel like it" was a terrible answer. Once I had a ride to a NYE party at my best friend's house and my mom vetoed it simply because she didn't feel like having me out that night. I had a place to stay, a ride, and I was a senior in HS. I had a huge fight with her because it made no sense. So when you have big fights, try to look at it from their POV. Did you just say something that contradicts something you said/did before? Do you have a good explanation? Do they know this? Do they have clear expectations, rules and parameters? Are they appropriate for their ages? Is there a compromise that could be reached? When you scream and fight, what's really going on?

I joke that my SD and my DD are in similar stages. One is a teen and one is a preschooler. Both of them sometimes need to "use your words" and "speak in a way I can understand you" and "take a minute to calm down so we can address this."

ETA: As CoMoMom pointed out, there's punishment and then there's discipline. There's an entire chapter about punishment in the book I mentioned. I admit that I still punish. But the time outs are fewer when I let DD experience the natural consequences of her own actions. I also try to teach her what TO DO vs just what to avoid doing.

S.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!!

Taking privileges away won't make a difference if they don't know the rules.

You need to set the rules and boundaries. No means NO. No matter how many times they ask or different ways they ask - NO.

The minute you yell and scream - they have won the "fight".

You need to take a deep breath. They need to feel like they have control in their lives as well. So you need to give them choices and consequences for their actions.

Grades: if grades are not at a level you want or expect - then they need consequences...not just taking away a cell phone or XBOX...something that will make them think the next time they fail to turn in homework.

My son got 3 F's on his progress report. We got the progress report the DAY before his 13th birthday party. We made him choose - cancel the party or lose all electronics? Of course he chose to lose all electronics. He's "Jones'ing" at the loss. However, it was HIS choice. HE can control when he gets them back. He MUST bring his grades up to AT LEAST a "B" before he can get them back.

He gets to see his brother play EVERY day. He's frustrated. He has done his homework, now he needs to talk with his teachers to see what his grades are and ask them to e-mail us. That's NOT **MY** responsibility. It's HIS.

There is so much more to this than saying "I'm having the hardest time getting my kids to listen" - You don't give examples as to the problems you are having with them.
What are they responsible for?
Do they have to help around the house?
What are they supposed to do with their rooms and laundry?
Do you have house rules set up?
Do they KNOW the rules?
What do you want or expect of them?
Do they KNOW what you expect of them?

See? It's not just about listening. You need to make sure they know the rules of the house. The rules don't "move" and they apply to EVERYONE. It is not a "do as I say - not as I do"...if you are telling them not to smoke, but you smoke? You are a hypocrite. If you expect them to keep their rooms clean - but yours is a mess - again - a hypocrite.

Have a family meeting. Set the rules. Set boundaries. Ensure that EVERYONE knows them. Consequences are the same for all. Consequences are also good too...if you see them doing good - TELL THEM!! ACKNOWLEDGE it!!! Sometimes kids do stuff just to get attention. ANY attention. So acknowledge when they do good. Don't just harp on them when they are bad/disrespectful, etc. Show them you are paying attention!!!

Good luck!

They are "working" you.... if they can get you to lose your cool by yelling and screaming, then they have won....

All you need to do is state your requests/demands/requirements calmly, without raising your voice (yeah, so easy, I know.... please note my intended sarcasm... it is VERY hard not to yell sometimes!), and then follow through with consequences for them not obeying you, whether it be losing privileges, electronics, etc..... if necessary, state your requests, and then walk away. Don't let them suck you into the argument.... otherwise, they win.

don't back down... once they see you ARE seriious, they will hopefully come around.

I remember reading a novel that really gave me some ammunition... dad had all of a sudden gotten custody of his teen-age daughter... without realizing what a mess she really was! Through therapy, the therapist told dad to quit yelling, and whenever the daughter tried to suck him into an argument, to just say these 5 words... "Yes, No, Whatever, Oh, really?, and Wow" ....

Very simplistic, but it made sense...... don't argue with them, just state your requests, and let them take the consequences.....

S., You're confusing discipline with punishment. Discipline is guiding your child - providing clear direction and then following up with them until they get it right.
Punishment is a negative action designed to "encourage" compliance - the thinking is that because the child doesn't want the punishment they will "do better".
However- it has been proven over and over and over again that punishment is not effective - especially with teens - unless you get it right where it hurts. It's hard to do and it doesn't actually accomplish very much. You'll have better results with using discipline, but it's more involvement on the parent's side.

AV is absolutely right that teens and toddlers are developmentally similar..... there are also many studies that provide info on this.

So - what worked with these girls when they were 3?

For me - my daughter is 12. What is working is going back to doing things WITH her. Removing my emotion and giving her a smaller number of commands (which, coincidentally, is what worked when she was 3). So when she was 8 I COULD say clean up your room - and it would get done.
NOW - I say collect all your dirty clothes and put them in the basement. When that's done I move onto pick up all your shoes and put them away. Then windex the mirrors. Then strip your bed and put in the washing machine. etc etc etc.

I also engage her to work WITH me. So instead of having her clean the living room while I make dinner.... we make dinner together. She can't misbehave or do things not to my standard if we are doing them together. Then we clean the living room together. If she doesn't dust the TV well enough we stop and she does it again until I can say "good job".

I have found those things helpful.

Good Luck

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