Discipline for My 11 Yr Old Daughter

Consistency is the key. You aren't consistent, so she knows she can get away with things.
Make up a list of house rules and consequences with her help.
Then stick to it.
LBC

Yeah not sure if ADD has anything to do with any of this. It sounds like she is rebelling. Not sure if you have the stomach for it but I went with well if that is your decision approach to the teen years. In other words I gave them nothing to rebel against.

Thing is when you say if you think that is a good idea they have to own the decision. They have to accept it is their choice. It takes all the fun out of getting mom's goat because there is no goat to be had. Also if it was a stupid idea they don't get to go blame you or anyone else.

Fingers crossed it works with my younger two, they like to call my bluff but it worked like a charm on the older two. :)

While its certainly worth going through the evaluation process, I suspect its not ADD. I tend to agree with the other Moms who said its normal tween stuff.

I also have an 11 year old. She wears strapless bras when necessary and her regular bras are slightly padded. She's developing and wants her tops to look "smooth" if you get what I mean.

She is allowed lip gloss, eye shadow (light sparkly ones) and clear mascara. She's been responsible about the make-up part so she's getting brown mascara in her Easter basket.

As for discipline, NEVER give a child a rule unless you plan to enforce it 100% of the time. If she asks for something and you're undecided or need to think about it, say so. Don't automatically say "no" then rescind and say "yes" later on. If you think you're going to eventually give in, say "yes" in the beginning.

Look into the book Parenting With Love & Logic- The Teen Years. Its amazing. There are also Love & Logic classes available, often put on by the school districts. Its also really important that you and your husband are on the same page with discipline and agree to back each other's decisions so you appear as a united front. If you disagree about a decision the other made, discuss it in private.

A lot of what she's doing is to get to you. Once you stop reacting or react in a bored, disinterested way, she'll look for a new way to annoy you. Look for things to praise and compliment and try to overlook some of the negative.

Best of luck to you.

It sounds like she is in full tween mode... it hits some harder than others.
on't automatically assume she is ADD. So many parents would rather drug their children vs finding out what is really going on.

Punishments MUST be consistent. For us, we were lucky and never had to do much punishment but what worked for us was taking away anything she valued.. phone, laptop, CHI flat iron, visits with friends, going places, etc

Keep in mind, some of this behavior is aimed directly at you... swearing.. she knows it gets to you so it is cool, the Christain music thing... it's cool to be opposite mom.

If my daughter needed a strapless bra, she wore one, that is much better than no bra at all. At 11 she does not need much makeup, lip gloss is fine.

She is rebelling now against you and you have to keep your wits about yourself and keep your lines of communication WIDE open. NEVER forget to tell her you love her every day, hug her when you get the chance. She NEEDS you.

As for the music, that's another thing she hates now because you love it. Telling you she is not close to God gets to you and she knows it. She will probably like other music and that is ok. Don't start forbidding things or she will go behind your back.

Lastly, respect is mutual. Respect is earned. You give it you get it...

Good luck, tweens are sometimes hard but keep your communication open and make she always knows that you love her and you have her back.

The tween years are rough for girls. I have a 13 year old. We do let her wear strapless bras if needed, make sure the band fits snugly enough or get one of the ones thats like a strapless.sports bra, they are easier to wear.
I try to pick my battles and I don't argue about clothes, make-up, or music unless it is inappropriate. Try to make a list of what behaviors you can live with and what you can't. She is more likely to respond when you do disagree with what she does if you aren't disagreeing with EVERYTHING she does ya know? Also, you could try talking to her about why she wants to wear make-up or like a certain type of music. But, that being said the rules are the rules and she needs to obey your rules.
When she leaves her clothes on the floor I pick them up and keep them until she proves she can be more responsible. As for getting into your make-up tell her about personal boundaries and ask if she would like it if other people got into her stuff without asking. Also, I try to love my daughter more on the days she is the hardest to love, hug her every chance I get and find the good in the bad sometimes

she is trying to find her nitch in the world. its normal for a child her age. maybe get her some kids bob cds they are pop songs but edited for kids and kids sing it. my daughter listens to what i do. lady gaga, katy perry, thompson square (her favorite next to gaga)

i think as far as disapline heres what i do with my 5 year old.
if i tell her to put something away and i go back an hour later and its still there its mine! if this happens 3 times in one day she looses computer time to play zoodles.
if she throws a nasty fit the day we have a play date we dont go. i refuse to reward bad behavior.
my daughter gets sent to her room until she and only she is ready to appologise and stops crying. then we have a talk.

for the make up. get her a light face powder, tinted gloss, and some light (pinks, browns) shadow and maybe mascara. my 5 year old loves getting dolled up anytime she can (shes a pageant kid though). i let her wear make up for special times parties etc. but not to school yet because she is 5 lol. chances are shes trying to fit in with her friends that wear more make up. i started wearing earth toned make up at 11 and i think my daughter will to.

bra wise i was in a b cup by 11. let her pick out an age appropriate bra even if its a little padded. its not going to sex her up or anything. my 5 year old likes to wear her little bra (not padded its like a sports bra) for dance and when its hot at home.

stay consistant. i think she needs to have a chore chart to show what she needs to do and what the concequences are when x,y, or z isnt done.

When I was a Teen... my late Dad (well all along while we were growing up), my Dad made SURE... that he had a good "RELATIONSHIP".... with us. I'm not talking being a "Buddy." But, being a parent in which WE could go to... for whatever reason, good or bad.

Also important for a child or Teen, is having a good close relationship with their parent, or at least one of them... so that, they know they can trust you, so that they know that you accept them for who they are and will guide them in rough spots, so that they know... that you are there for them. Regardless. So then, THEY come to you, with problems. And so that... they are not "afraid" of you or that you will just punish them for things that they may not understand themselves, and so that, they know that you are there for them. Good or bad.

My late Dad, would say, that a child needs to know... that although they are not perfect, that the parent respects them... AND that, they know that their home, is a place where they can unwind and vent in. Not saying that they can act the way they want... but that the home and the parent, is a safe.... place for them. Because, if they can't be unsure at home, and if the child cannot be imperfect at home... then they will do it outside the home. The HOME and the parent... is the place and the person... to guide them and nourish their soul... and their emotions and their brain.

Though we did have punishments, my Dad, while I was a Teen... made sure to have a relationship AND a rapport... with me. And it made a HUGE difference. My Mom, was not as warm and approachable. Hence, we were not close to her, nor did we go to her with our life's issues. Good or bad. Because, she only "judged" us. Not guided us.
Although, as she got older.... she warmed up.

So, that is my tip.
And what can make a difference, in a Teen's life and attitude and toward you and the home. And then, in how the Teen... manages themselves in the outside world. Amongst, bad influences or not.

You have to teach them... HOW TO DISCERN situations and friends. My late Dad... taught us that, all our lives. And I do the same for my kids... ever since they were 2 years old.
They thus have, a solid self-identity and know who they are and are not followers and have the ability to DISCERN.... people and situations. And they know... they can trust us, as parents, and that they can come to us for ANYTHING. Good or bad.

Beyond "punishments" and scoldings... a parent needs to have... a "Relationship" with their Teen. Which is grown like a garden.

As a Teen, sure I had my phases. But I ALWAYS... KNEW that my late Dad... liked me, respected me, loved me, and was there for me. regardless. And he never, judged me. But guided me. And I knew... we had a good relationship. And then, I had respect for myself. And in the many.... situations I was in, as a Teen.

Well, I've heard everyone is starting puberty earlier these days, and it seems like she's there! That doesn't make it easier to stomach, but it sounds like hormones in action. My mother referred to the time between my 13th and 18th years as "bitchdom."

You know you have to get consistent with her -if you don't, then she's just going to roll her eyes at you and know that half the time, she's going to get away with whatever she wants. This will only get worse over the next 5 years! Take stuff she loves away -EVERY TIME -and don't give into whining before you said you would give it back. Sit down with her and explain what the ground rules are. Ask HER what she thinks is fair and unfair and why. I promise you, she knows deep down inside what is and is not okay and she does most of the stuff that's bothering you because she knows she can.

I don't see any problems with her wearing a strapless bra if she needs one. You should return that one to Justice and get a better one somewhere else.

As far as makeup -lip gloss and MAYBE a little mascara and powder is enough for an 11 year old, but why did she get makeup for Christmas if she's not allowed to wear it? If she got into MY makeup one more time, I would throw hers in the garbage and put a lock on mine and let her know that when she quit going behind my back, I would quit acting like there was a criminal in the house.

As far as the Christian music. I think most teens think it's lame (and therefore most tweens think it's lame, because tweens are just trying as hard as possible to be like teens). Quite honestly -most of it is lame -sorry, but that's the truth. Teenagers LOVE their music -it's a hallowed part of being a teen -so don't expect this to change much. If you press this issue, you're picking a huge fight that you'll really never win, and you're likely to cause more problems from it. It's okay. You can still be a Christian and not like or listen to Christian music. I know quite a few fairly hard-core Christians, and none of them listen to it.

Get the book The Five Love Languages for teens. It will open your eyes.

Have Dad spend a lot of time with her, take her to get ice cream or whatehaveyou.

No strapless bras. Dad needs to be the one to say that.

No sleazy tops, Dad needs to let her know that HE disapproves.

Just play your music and say nothing about hers. She'll appreciate it in 20 years. My dad always played classical, I moaned forever. Now I love it.

Go read the book and find out her love language and make sure you are filling her tank and not her friends or some boy.

I totally think you just described my 11yr old!!! Honestly, I think the hormonal roller coaster they are on is what causes them to be so scatter brained and self centered not ADD. Mine can make a sandwich and leave everything on the counter than she used and when I ask her to pick it up she is like oh yeah because she forgot! I've caught her hiding halloween candy under her pillow because "I was hungry". Leaving her clean clothes in her clothes basket days on end before folding and putting it away. She can't even remember to feed the cat that we've had since she was 2yrs old and it's been her chore since she was 5!!! No, no makeup except for lip gloss and even then she doesn't wear it much. Bras.................ugh!!! I can only get her to wear these ones that are like sports bras for her soccer games and plain regular ones (from walmart) all the time with her clothes. I've never looked at Justice for theirs and if they are sized anything like the short/jeans I won't be buying them either! I only buy her tops from there as I find most of their clothes inappropriate. As far as music goes, she may not like what you want her to like, but you've got to let her explore and find her own taste as well.

Yes, you must be consistent with discipline or you'll keep loosing this battle and by time it's too late she'll be totally lost from you. My child has been grounded from any form of a video game for almost a month now because of back talk, no computer games, wii or nintendo ds games. The only electronic she can use is her Kindle for reading books. She has attitude, gives her brother a hard time, she'll go help our neighbor do yard work but you'd thought she was going to die doing it at her own house!! She has to fold and put away her own clothes. I will not wash her clothes unless they are in the basket. I've cleaned her room and tossed things out because she wouldn't keep it clean. I've grounded her from all electronics-TV, computer, ipod, nintendo, etc. She has lost out on things because she wants to argue or back talk.

If I were in your shoes, I'd sit her down and tell her that she can't wear xyz in make up and if she does, abc will be the punishment. And you mom (and dad) will have to stick to it no matter what! Same with back talking and what not. Give her responsibilities around the house. If she doesn't do them then she doesn't get to do things she wants to do.

Good luck!!
S.

those arnt signs of add that signs of being a teen ager shes growing up. you need to draw your lines and stick to them personally i dont see makeup at a big deal but i dont wear it either i think it just makes people look trashy. but whatever rulesyou set you have to enforce. try talking to a therapist that can help you with setting up a game plan

you alluded to one of the underlying problems - not being consistent. Kids are smart - they figure this out, and because they are kids, they will continue to test/push the limits. This does not sound like ADD this sounds like an extremely selfish/self-centered child. When she does something that is 'against the rules' (and you will have to define this clearly for her, and stick to it) there HAS to be a consequence of consequence (what you take away must matter to her). TV time, Computer, cell phone, laptop -(you paid for all these, you are within your rights to take them away they are privileges not entitlements, and frankly, you paid for them. Makeup at 11 - absurd!, inappropriate (who on earth thought that would be an appropraite Christmas present?????). For now you may need to 'lock-up your makeup.
Beyond this, I would strongly recommend that you get her evaluated - a complete evaluation, but strongly believe this is NOT ADD. (at least the symptoms you are describing are not consistent with that diagnosis.

It sounds like you are concentrating on the externals, and not on her heart. What influences does she have in her life? I have an 11 year old daughter, and I have to say that I would be shocked if we saw any of these things manifested in her life. I don't say that to sound judemental at all. It just makes my head spin to consider it. Yes, we see signs of her growing up. But, we see that manifested in the way she helps more, takes more time with her hair and her appearance (clothes, etc.). But, she is homeschooled, and her friends are very much likeminded with us. She doesn't have peer pressure put on her by the culture. She is fully immersed in a Christian culture, so this is what she knows. Her friends motivate her to righteousness, not rebellion. We are blessed so much by this.

So, how would I handle this? I would re-evaluate how she spends her time, who has great influence on her, does she watch TV and if so, what does she watch? I would begin removing the negative influences and replace them with good influences. I wouldn't want her to be left with a lonely void! I would fill her time and her life with good, fun, positive things. Bring her beside you as you cook, clean, serve your family. Turn on fun music that you approve of and work together, sing together, laugh together, etc. Win her heart back. Woo her.

If she doesn't feel close to God, be so thankful that she shared this with you! That is huge! How much time do you spend together as a family reading the Bible? I suggest that you do a family worship time everyday! We get together in the evening, usually after dinner, and read a chapter together out loud of one of the books in the Bible. We just work through whatever it is we are doing (pick any book you want-there is no formula or order to do it in!-start with maybe Galatians or Ephesians or something shorter in the NT to get your feet wet). Then, we talk about it, the kids can ask questions if they have them. After that, we usually sing a song or two from a hymnal or one that we know that we sing at church, and then we pray. We will ask the kids if they have any prayer requests (friends having problems, feeling sick, subject in school, etc), and then one of us prayers, or if there are a lot of requests, we have the kids take one of them. It doesn't have to be elaborate or fancy. Just a simple prayer. Then, we're done! Easy, but it really bonds our family together. And, they are getting biblical wisdom in their lives every day. Sets the compass straight again.

Talk with your daughter about why she doesn't feel close to God. Don't be judgemental or alarmed by it, just talk. We see our children as little plants. They are growing, getting watered, getting some sun. The real work is being done under the soil. We can't see the roots, can we? We just keep watering and sunning them, trusting God to grow them. It doesn't happen at one time, it is a process. Don't look for significant events in their lives. Look at the long, slow, steady growth. Again, it is a process.

Enjoy your precious daughter. Guide her. Teach her. Love her. Have patience with her. Lead her. And get rid of the things that are causing her to stumble. She needs you to do that for her because the flesh won't do it on its own.

I understand where you are coming from. No child is going to be 100% perfect all of the time, no matter what anyone tells you about their own child. Children make mistakes as do parents. I have had to learn the hard way to be consistent with my 10 year old. I am a single mom so my situation is slightly different, but still the same in regards to some of the behavior and age of our girls. First of all let me say some of the comments seem to be quite harsh, I will not make mine that way. You need to be encouraged during this, not bashed.

Question does she have an allowance or set of chores that must be completed? Does she always seem to want you to buy her something and you just give in? These were some of my problems. My solution to this was to make a Contract. I made a Contract with my daughter that clearly states all of the rules, regulations, chores, etc. We went over it together and once there was a solid understanding of said Contract we both signed it. It hangs on the fridge. Some of the stuff "tacked" onto this Contract is an allowance. She knows she isn't going to get anything for nothing now. If she back talks - she looses allowance, if her room doesn't stay clean - she looses allowance, etc. After a while of getting to the end of the week and not getting any allowance and knowing I wasn't going to buy anything for her, things started to change. This also taught her responsibility. In addition for certain instances she also knew up front she would be grounded from certain things. It is awful when you really wanted to go to that sleepover and because of your actions, you are grounded and can't go. You have to stick with a plan like this. By using the contract it also stays fresh in your mind as to what was established.

I would say no makeup. I don't let mine wear it unless it is a very special occasion and then I put it on her myself. The bra thing is a totally different issue. If she isn't really developed the strapless bra might not be a horrible thing. My 10 year old is though and I buy appropriate bras for her. Again this is my money and you will wear what I feel is appropriate. This is the same for clothes she wears. If you buy your daughter what she wants with YOUR money you lose control again. They have to learn they aren't entitled to anything and what we say goes.

As for God, is she involved in a youth group at church? Does she feel welcome there? Maybe you could talk to the youth pastor about ways to help her in this arena. Another note for the discipline...Is she involved in any type of activity that helps with discipline? I got mine into soccer at a very young age and it has helped some to develop discipline skills. It has helped her show I'm not the only one with rules, i.e. you don't listen to the coach you don't play. I hope this helps and this situation works for you. Keep me updated please? Thanks!