K.T.
Hi B.,
Well you have just described most preteens... They are searching to find themselves and make a niche for themselves. In doing so they push the boundaries as far as you will let them. You know the old saying you give them and inch and they will take a mile. My son displays some of the characteristics that you described and with him we don't send him to his room. He earns an allowance for doing his chores so that he has money to be able to do what he wants instead of always asking for money for everything. When he doesn't do his chores money is deducted and at the end of two weeks we give him what is left. If he doesn't have anything then he doesn't get anything..so this makes him more responsible for his actions. For the fits and bad mouthing..we give him one warning that he needs to watch it and then if he continues we make him write. Sometimes when I feel that he is doing it just to get a rise out of me then I will say we need to take a break for a minute.. he gets to go to his room and calm down and I do to.. then we come back and talk later. Usually when we reconvene he will apologize for getting out of hand and take his punishment. We always remember though to let him know that we love him...we might be mad at him but we love him and we give him a hug. Like other people responded we also make sure we give him extra lovin' when he does something good b/c it sometimes seems like we always point out the bad but let the good go by as well he should be doing that but we let him know we appreciate all that he has done. Your doing the right thing just remember that you are the parent and remain consistant..... She will come around eventually...
Good Luck to you!!!