Discipline and Moods HELP

Put it in perspective when you cool off. All kids get caught talking in class. Lots of kids cut their eyelashes. It's not such a big deal. It does not reflect poorly on you as a parent.

I am exactly the same. it is my 6 yr old that gets me mad. i also can't cool down immediatly. instead of being mean, i TRY to walk away from him. maybe he'll have issues w/ that. But, i dont want to yell anymore.

Relax a bit, his behavior really is not that abnormal or unusual. I understand that you are disappointed that your son has to walk around without eyelashes for awhile, but it's not the end of the world! I think that it is great that your son can bounce back quickly and not mope around over trivial things. I recommend that you lighten up a bit and don't make a mountain over a mole hill, kids are not perfect and they are going to do silly things again and again. What good does holding on to such anger toward an 8 year old do, instead just let it go and move on.

Remember he is only 8. In the big picture, that is so very young. That is why is he is able to bounce back, he hasn't learned to be jaded yet. Personally, I got a little giggle from this...kids say AND do the darndest things. What to do: try to step back and remember when you were a kid - free of judgements and willing to try new things with no inhibitions. Take a deep breath and know he will be okay and so will you. Also, try not to take things so seriously...if you don't, you are in for years of frustration. If my children have taught me anything - it is that life is short and not worth being mad (for very long at least).

I have a very high reverence for Honesty in our house. Honesty trumps just about everything else (except, of course, Respect - meaning "Don't be a jerk and then say 'Well I'm just being HONEST MOOOOM'")

I know exactly how you feel. There are times when I am upset for much longer than my child-in-question is and when that happens I find it best to just TELL THE TRUTH.

I water it down a bit, because I don't want them to get the impression that I don't like them anymore or that I don't love them. I also have all boys, and I am the only example they will ever see of a woman/wife/mother - so I don't want them going out and marrying some girl thats catty, vindictive and has an attitude problem.

I keep my comments in check. I keep my tone of voice in check. I keep my facial expressions in check. I say things like, "Okay, I just need some quiet time for a few minutes because I'm still really upset that you cut your hair."

They will ask questions. "Mommy, are you still angry?".... "Yes baby, I'm still a little bit mad. I don't want you to ever do that again."

And you can definitely expect this same behavior in return. He'll probably turn it around on you later in the week - so be prepared for that and try to be okay with it. He needs to be able to tell you how he feels. In our house, as long as you are respectful and telling the truth - its okay. I have been told many times, "Momma I'm just still so mad at yo because I hate it when you turn off the mooooovieeeeeee!!!!!!!" in which case I reply, "Don't be whiny when you say the word "movie".... and okay, come find me when you're done being mad. I love you." and abruptly walk away. Do not be surprised if you get an, "Well I don't like you right now" response or something of the like. Just let it go. Say something like, "Well thats okay but I still love you. I need to go wash the dishes now. I'll see you in a little while."

Sorry for all the dialogue ...I'm just giving you examples. You'll know what to do... sift through the responses and sleep on it. My best bet for you though... is to tell the truth gently.

Good luck!

I don't think that it is bad for him to know that what he does makes you angry. It is a life lesson that is best learned at home, with someone who will love him anyway, than it is to really get that what you do effects how people feel about you with a beloved friend who will never get over something.

You have the right to be mad, and at age 8, he will be fine if you tell him that you are still angry and need some time to get over it, so he should go do something else in his room. There are concequences to what we do, and kids need to know that their parents have feelings too. It makes you human. Do you remember the moment you realized that you could disapoint your mother and make her feel bad, I mean really, really truly? I sure do, and it helped me grow up.

No need to beat yourself up, it is not only natural, but helpful to him to know how you feel.

M.

Last year when my daughter was 8 she did the same exact thing! I was beside myself. At first I was so shocked that I think I scared her a bit with my reaction. My reaction was mostly because I had heard that eyelashes don't grow back (silly me). Anyhow after realizing she was the one who had to deal with it until they did grow back I returned to 'mommy mode' and hugged and reassured her that they would be back in no time at all. She is a very active, strong willed, sweet, beautiful girl that often pushes me to end of my rope. If you feel like you've held on to your anger to long you may want to try something we do in our household. When things are just to tense I'll say "It's time for our laughing exercise!" Even if you don't feel like it just start laughing (forced is fine) and don't stop until the laughter takes over for real! You'd be surprised how good you can feel after a nice belly laugh. Kids love to laugh and even though we forget it we parents do to!! Good luck.
PS Her lashes grew back beautifully!

He, he, he. I don't mean to laugh but I did the same thing when I was about six or seven. My parents were having a dinner party and I was very bored with only grown ups so I headed for the bathroom and looked at the big mirror where my mom always put on makeup and stuff.

I had seen her use some sort of contraption on her lashes and has asked her what it did, she explained it made her lashes pretty. I assume I thought the scissors would do the same and went to work. My mom was not happy and I don't remember if I got grounded or not, but I just remember showing my handiwork to my mom quite proudly.

My son has beautiful long lashes and I don't, mine are plain regular lashes that I curl and put mascara on and all that. I sometimes secretly wonder if I hadn't cut off my lashes if I would have beautiful long lashes too.

Now I know this is your son but he could have been just bored or curious, or had no idea you were not supposed to cut them (I didn't). I have to remind myself constantly of this as my 3-year old explores the world. So if they do something bad, like changing the batteries on the cablevision remote and breaking it in the process, I don't punish.

I used to yell, OMG what did you do? And off he's go crying all upset, and then I'd be all upset too, and nothing was resolved. I've learned it's best to tell him, "Were you trying to learn how X or Y worked? Here, let me show you. I'm sorry, I should have told you that daddy and mommy are the only ones allowed to changed batteries, you didn't know. And that's OK. Now you do, don't do it again please, OK?"

So yes, you can pop yourself back into a good mood by trying to understand the misbehavior from the child's point of view. Amazingly, watching Curious George on TV with him, and his monkey logic to do all sorts of crazy things to do stuff you shouldn't do (like when he floods the house after trying to clean up a grape juice spill), has helped drive the point home of what can happen when you "misbehave". It's funny and very educational. And I try to remember it everytime he spills juice on my light carpet, how much much much worse it would be.

So even if my son is 3, I know that someday he will be 8 like I was, and doing the same crazy little things. Kids are kids.

i find myself always shaking my head ...like WTH?? but they're kids and they're going to do the most random stuff that we just can't understand..just shake it off..i try not to let little things bug me..we have a chihuahua..my son is a little rough with him sometimes..yes its frustrating but...i do remember when i was a little girl ..at his age and i could be a little rough with my cat.. i go to a gym and i workout a lot..and i am so happy b/c of it..i think that's how i get my frustrations out..or i go for a run when i can...it always betters my mood..maybe take a good long walk on your own..sounds like u just need some "me" time

Hi K.,

That must be very scary. With regards to your question, though, know that your son is not doing these things to upset you. Try to let go of the anger and just talk to him. An 8 year old should be able to articulate why he tried to cut his eyelashes. Most likely, this was just an experiment out of curiosity. You can choose to make this into a power struggle about discipline and anger or you can choose to use the opportunity to communicate and connect with him. It's a chance for you to better understand what he was thinking and share with him your concerns about safety. Judging him and being angry at him are only going to perpetuate the problem. No one got hurt (thank God). It's all good.

Be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Educator
www.GilaBrown.com

My brother shaved his eyebrows in 5th grade--10 yrs old. Right before school pictures. That is when you start to count. I sometimes wonder if my mom ever stopped counting. : )
Honestly, there are times I just really really want to get away, far far away baut of course that doesn't happen. Some things I try to remember is 1, they are kids and 2, it was not totally destructive.

So honestly, I laughed when I read that he cut off his eyelashes. I don't think of that kind of behavior as destructive or bad. He's just seeing what will happen. So what if he is 8? Lots of 8 year olds cut their own hair (or worse their little sister's).

I cannot always get right back into a great mood...it's easier for me when my kids upset me than when my hubby does because they are younger and don't have great impulse control or mood control either yet. Fake it til you make. Or just be honest and say "Mommy is feeling kind of crabby right now. I need some time alone to think." Anyway, best of luck. At least he didn't hurt anyone else or speak rudely to the teacher. That is the kind of stuff I would be more worried about.

I don't pop back and I think that they understand the consequences of their actions better when we don't. Im not saying I do it all the time but when it's something that I consider really bad or that I don't feel he's understanding the severity of I will tell him im upset right now and don't want to talk. I need some space right now.

I have the chance to breath and he have the time to think of how its effected him and life.

You are fine! Just take care of it the same day. Doesn't have to be the same hour. Ephesians 4:26 says do not let sunset find you still upset.

It's totally acceptable to say, "Look, I'm really upset right now, and I need some quiet time to myself," no matter what caused the mood.

I have 4 kids, and 2 of them would get ahold of scissors and cut their own hair - occasionally down to the scalp - until age 10. My youngest is 11 now, and still occasionally tries to "trim" her own hair. It's a completely normal, but maddening, kid thing.

Everyone reacts to this sort of thing differently. A friend of mine just posted photos online of the haircut her daughter gave herself, saying, "Not a bad job! Almost looks like she knows what she's doing." Another friend cried for literally days after her daughter cut her hair. It was very long and naturally curly, and my friend loved to style it and show it off, but her daughter hated the time and the fuss. What broke her heart was the fact that her daughter didn't treasure the styling as special 1-on-1 time, but saw it as a chore, so it took a LONG time for her to get over that.

Your son is probably thinking, "What's the big deal? Nobody can even tell, and I didn't get hurt," and that's when he actually stops to think about it, which I'm sure is rarely. It will make no sense to him that you are furious. That's OK - each of you can treat the other respectfully WITHOUT UNDERSTANDING why the other one feels the way they do. That's part of being human and part of being a family.

This too will pass! Take whatever time you need to get over it.

My first daughter was always doing distructive things when she was young, but never showed any anger or aggresion. I guess she was 5 when she took a screwdriver to my new car. She just wanted to draw on it. When she was about 12, I can home from a weekend business trip to find that she had shaved her head. Talk about mad! I couldn't talk to her or even look at her for 3 days. I decided that she was the one that had to live with what she was doing to herself since none of it had anything to do with her health or safety. She's 26 and has a kid of her own. I think our biggest concern is that others will judge us because of our kids, but other parents don't judge, they mostly can relate.

When I'm angry about my daughters behavior I clean my kitchen. I can't really go in another room because she is only 2 and follows me everywhere, so there is no alone time. But sometimes I'm simmering on something she did and or how she wouldn't listen to me or whatever and don't want to be around her. So I put all my energy into cleaning, and before I know it my house is a little cleaner and I've calmed down, and she is my sweet angel again. And more importantly I didn't yell and scream at her since after all, she is only 2 and doesn't know better.

Since your son is older, maybe you could explain to him that your a little upset right now and need to be alone for a little bit. I do recommend doing an activity that will take your mind off it for now so the anger dissipates. You will look back on it someday and think its funny, just not today.

Will being mad at him make the eye lashes grow back any faster? It's probably not as noticeable as shaved off eyebrows (I did that to my sister when I was 5 and she was 3). Is it as serious as setting the house on fire? I'd say no. And I've heard a few stories about kids deciding to see what happens when a tennis ball hits a ceiling fan while it's spinning on high speed (usually equals smashed window or lamp). Kids are the ULTIMATE think outside the box people. It can drive us adults crazy if we let it. Tell your son you always love him, but you don't always love some of his choices. Just think of the tales you'll be able to share with your grand children once they are old enough to start pulling stuff like this!

Eight-year-olds are not masters of self-restraint or good judgement. Really! Nor are eighteen-year-olds. Roll with it, mommy, it comes with the territory. This will probably be one of your funny family stories some day.

Perhaps if you stopped taking your child's actions so personally... his actions are not directed at you.

Maybe he wanted to know what he would look or feel like without eyelashes. I don't see that as misbehaving. Same with talking. I would hate to have to go most of the day without being able to talk when I felt like it. Kids don't have a ton of self-control - "no talking" is kind of unrealistic when you think about it.

Tis' life having kids. I know, its not easy... hugs to you....

In some cultures, the way they "discipline" is, the parent/Mom acts all hurt (but they really are hurt because it is their cultural ethos), and the Mom goes on about how they hurt Mommy, made her feel guilty/bad/embarrassed/humiliated by their child's transgression and made her look like she has a bad kid etc. By doing this, the child then feels an emotional impact... about their misdeed. It is about how the transgression made Mommy/their parent feel... and how MISERABLE their Mom/parent is as a result. This type of parenting/discipline, is usually in a culture/society where consensus is the norm and is a strong motivator in their culture. Otherwise, they get ostracized etc.

all the best,
Susan