Discipline - Columbia,SC

Hey K.- The main thing with discipline is being consistant.I too have a 16 month old and she is becoming more independent every day. We have used timeouts. You want to have a place to set them that is not their bed or chair you read in, etc but a stool or mat that is the timeout spot. (I don't want to associate a time out spot with where she sleeps or does something enjoyable b/c I don't want her to confuse bedtime or reading with discipline.) Anyways, you should be in timeout 1 minute for for each year old. We tell her what she did wrong and why (she usually will cry) but then we have her apologize (by giving a hug or kiss). I don't like the 123 approach because it tells the child that they don't have to listen to you immediately, but that they can wait until you get to 3 and then listen to you. I also don't like spanking either. It's hard for me to explain to that it is not nice to hit if I do the same to her. Overall timeout and explaining to her has worked for us. On whining, if she is trying to tell us something or wants something but is whining to get it we tell her that we don't understand whining, but that she can ask nicely and we can understand her. This is something we learned from some friends that worked well with them also. The most important though is to praise when she is doing well (from sitting nice in a grocery store or restaraunt to or asking nice for something) because ultimately they are seekng love and approval. If they receive that for doing good they will continue that behavior. Oh, and I HIGHLY reccomend sgn language as a way to help them communicate. Especially at this age, my daughter picks up on new signs very quickly. And it is helping her try to say the words too. I hope this helps! Feel free to send me a message if you have any questions or just need to chat.

For a child that age, I just recommend redirecting. If he is doing something he shouldn't, just say no, and then move him somewhere else or give him something else to play with. When he is whining, you can just say, "no whining", and don't respond to his request until he asks you without whining.
An excellent book to have as a reference is "The discipline book" by Dr. Sears. It gives suggestions for ages 1-5 on appropriate discipline.
I really don't think a child this age can understand time out yet, and I am strongly opposed to spanking, so I sincerely hope you will try some other things first. Spanking is usually very ineffective - just look at the families who use spanking. They have to do it all the time :)

This is no fun, but chances are it is just a stage. Around this age my kids seemed like they were no longer and infant, but not big enough to really be a toddler. For me, I never did the 123 thing because kids usually figure out they don't mind until 3. First time obedience is what I learned, but I admit it is harder on the parents at first. My children have done well with time out in their cribs at this age.
J.

It sounds like the main behavior problem you're asking about is whining? Imagine how frustrating it is to have all these needs that you're entirely dependent on someone else for, and have very few (or no) words to express them. It can be all-consuming, but your job is to meet his needs, and to help him communicate them. Sign language helps tremendously at this age. You can find good videos at the library that can teach you in an hour to teach your child the basic needs signs. Then you have to set about meeting their needs and helping them to the next level of teaching them to meet their own as they become more capable and independent. It may sometimes feel like you're being manipulated when they're asking you for things all the time. Remember, they need you. The more responsive (discipline comes from the same word as disciple - which means to teach) and helpful you are now, the faster the child will become the independent child you can't wait for them to be. Beware, though. As soon as you figure this challenge out, he will have a new one for you. I highly recommend you find online a local "Love and Logic" class, or book by an expert, for how to implement loving and logical discipline for all ages. Love and Logic is a great class for learning how to use "1,2,3" approach with the most effective consequences like time outs and taking away toys and privileges. No pediatrician or early childhood educator will advocate spanking as a conequence as it is not a loving, effective teaching technique. Good luck and God bless!

So it sounds like you already have a lot of good advise, I'll just mention one I didn't see. My youngest of 3 is 18 months right now, so I understand! I just make sure she has to say what she wants before I'll give it to her. If she wants a drink then I very clearly say "DRINK" while holding the cup in front of her, and make her atleast attempt to say it before she gets it. I'll do this with most things. A lot of the words others may not fully understand, but you will be able to tell them apart pretty quickly! It works great, and now she is always trying to learn the words for new things. Its worked great with all three of my kids, so give it a shot. I've heard great things about the sign language too, just never had to go that route since they picked this up great. Once the communication improves, the whining should stop for the most part.

Hi K.! I am thinking that maybe you could look at this situation from your sons perspective. You are old enough to be mobile but haven't learned the skills yet to effectively communicate, you understand more than you can speak. Your mom (who you trust more than anyone) show's you attention and tries to help when you fuss (or whine or whatever). You try desperately to no avail to communicate what you need. Let's say, your stomach hurts. You fuss and whine because what you had for lunch isn't sitting well. Your mom does not understand and is getting more and more frustrated by the minute. She finally tells you that you have until three to stop fussing. After a count of three she spanks you. Now you have a sore tummy and a sore behind. And now you can't figure out what you've done wrong ~ you were trying to communicate a need and what you got was a spanking. Believe me when I tell you that I understand the frustration of a whining child (I've got a two year old and a 4 year old) and I always do my best ~ as well all do ~ to figure out their needs when they can't effectively express them. It doesn't always work. So we do a lot of hugging. I know that they will be more apt to come to me when they can communicate if I show them as much love as possible when they can't. A simple "can you show me what you need" works WONDERS with little ones. Again they can understand more than they can speak. I hope you find a great solution to your situation ~ your little one is lucky to have you! :)

If you want some free resources go to ACS and see what they offer for parenting classes and playgroups. While you are there ask them who your Parents As Teachers (PAT) educator is. Ft Stewart has a PAT program that you are entitled to attend and use since you are a military mom. ACS and PAT are awesome resources available for you.

Also, the public libraries and post libraries should have access to sign language books and dvd's for you to sign out. And they can request interlibrary loans for many of the books that others have recommended you to read.

Don't forget MilitaryOneSource. They have given me MANY free resources and help over the last 5 years for a variety of questions with my 2 active boys.

Good Luck from another military mom.

Hi,

I don't really have any advice on discipline, but you mention that your 16 month old can't express waht he wants. Have you tried teaching him baby sign language? I used it with my now 4 year old son and 16 month old daughter. We had a DVD that my son would watch and that is how he learned. With my daughter the whole family has been teaching her with just one sign at a time. It helps so much that she is able to communicate with us even though she can't verbally.

I cannot remember what age I started the 1, 2, 3 approach, but my daughter is 4 now and it still works. I have never had to really do alot of spanking, but she is scared to death of a fly swatter...lol No I didn't use it on her, but I use it to get her to mind. My mom used it once to swat the cat when my daughter was over visiting and ever since then we used it as a tool. If your child is bored give him something to do is the best advice I can give at this point. Children are just naturally bored I think because their little minds are growing. I am a 44 year old first time mother of a 4 year old.

Hi K.. I have been there! I highly recommend John Rosemond's book Making the Terrible Twos Terrific. It's wonderful. I used his methods (they FELT right) and they worked. Make no mistake, raising children to be adults is difficult work. However, good discipline has helped my children (and me) become good people! People tell me all the time my girls are very well behaved and spanking isn't the main discipline tool (I have used it but only in the most extreme circumstances).

Anyway, John Rosemond says the twos start around 18 months and last 'til about 3. I started time out (I call it the naughty spot because I like the name...tells the kids they were naughty). At first, I would put my child in the naughty spot and before she could get up on her own (just a few seconds) I'd say "okay, you can get up now." It amazing...she would sit back down and stay because she wanted to be in charge! This routine continued until my children figured out that I am, indeed, in charge. Now they stay until I get them out. When it's time to get them out (one minute for each year of life), I ask them why they are in the naughty spot. They tell me and if they forget or don't know, I tell them. Then I ask for an apology. Not doing what I ask is disobeying me. That is not okay. Then they say sorry, we hug and kiss and get on with the day! I LOVE it!

This is a crucial time for discipline and it will pay off for you later. His books are available at the library. Check it out!

S.

My husband and I know what you are going through. If my daughter does not get picked up, she whines and crys. Instead of picking her up i will go where the toys are and sit down. She will go and play with them. You can try putting your son in time out but I dont know if he would understand it at this age. I started putting my 3.5yr old in time out when she was 2 b/c she knew what "no" ment. I would leave her there for 2min. if she got up i put her back and told her why she was in time out for.

K., the American Academy od Pediatrics states the importance of refraining from spanking or striking your child in any way when disciplining him: "Spanking only teaches a child to act aggressively when he is upset. Yes, it may relieve YOUR OWN frustration temporarily, and for the moment you actually might believe that it will do some good. But there is NO LESS EFFECTIVE WAY of disciplining your child and it certainly doesn't teach your youngster any alternative way for him to act. It also undermines effective communication between the two of you, as well as weakening his own sense of security. What's the alternative? The AA of Pediatrics recommends using time-outs instead of spanking - putting a child who has misbehaved in a quiet place for few minutes, away from other people, TV or books. When time oput is over, explain to him exactly why is behavior was unacceptable.. Also don't overlook the importance of responding in a positive way to your baby's GOOD behavior. This kind of reaction is equally important in helping him learn self-control." The title of the book is "Caring for your baby and young child - birth to age 5" by the American Academy of Pediatrics. I recommend it to you so that you can have objective ways to deal with the difficult task of being a mother..it helps me a lot! (don't listen to people about spanking a child, please...that's never OK)

maybe you should try a different approach...POSITIVE reinforcement. For children who can't yet express themselves, it is overwhelming trying to communicate. Teach your child sign language, it worked wonders for us. When your child begins to whine or tantrum, go down to their level, rock them in a chair, and when they do something they shouldn't (i.e. throw something) show them what they CAN throw, (a ball) and use positive expression when they accomplish something they should be doing. 12-18 months old has been the hardest on ME and my patience with my son, but I used it as an opportunity to work on my patience. studies show over and over, children who were encouraged through positive reinforcement had a better outcome in the future in school, relationships with peers and parents, and more successful in life as a whole. This vs. negative reinforcement (even time out) and spanking (which is a great short term solution to your frustration). Practice patience, being positive, and expressing love and teaching to your child. it will be worth it.

K.,

My kids whine and they are 2 and 4 and 1/2! I do NOT believe in spanking, and doing this to your 16 month old will NOT "teach" him anything but maybe to be afraid of you. I'm not trying to come down on you, just saying that babies and toddlers do whine a lot! And this is something that maybe needs some redirection when he is whining. Try distracting him with something, maybe a story or new activity. I don't think spanking works and it certainly won't solve your problems.

Warmly,
C.

Try responding to his behavior in a very low voice, almost a whisper. When that happens, he has to stop and listen because he can't hear you. Give whatever instructions at that point and see if that will help. Most times we yell and that just stimulates them even more.

Another method would be to say, "Mommy is not going to listen until you sit down or do whatever you are asking him to do." Alot of times the behavior attention-seeking. Once he settles down, then give your full attention.

If he is whinny because he want's attention or is bored, give him something to do. If it's a full blown fit because you won't let him play with the DVD player then give him a warning first and then if he does it again you can put him in his crib or high chair for a 1 min time out. When he gest closer to 2yr you can bump it up to 2 mins(1 min per age) and if he'll stay, a spot on the floor. Good luck!!!

S.

Hi, I am also an Army wife and although I don't have any children over the age of 2 1/2 months old...I was a nanny and come from a family of seven children.
Two things, one you can do the count to 2 rule. Meaning they have one second to decide and another second to do it. They may not understand what the two second rule is, but over time they will understand it. That way your not dragggggging out your ###-###-####, 22222222222, ###-###-#### and a 1/2 etc....

Second idea is a time-out. I'm not so sure I believe in spanking at that young of an age, so time-out is a great idea. Children don't have a good concept of time, meaning they get irritated when things don't happen right away or the I want it now mentality. So teaching your son that when they do something wrong their time for playing is taken away, can be very effective. Most parents use the age rule. So 1 yr=1 min and so on, that way your not making them sit there forever.
Making your child go to time-out takes TIME, if you've ever watched super nanny...? So I would explain it to him and place a chair or bean bag in a place were he can't see the TV or reach his toys and everytime he gets up put him back. When he sits down the time starts, but when he gets up before the time is up you must restart the time. That way your teaching him that everytime you get up you make this a longer process. Some kids will be very defiant and not sit ON the actual chair. He has to be on it, even if it's just a leg or an arm as long as he's touching it.
I hope this helps, I know that I am not a mom of three or anything, but I have a bit of experience with all age ranges :) Write back if you want.

K.,

With the time-out, you only want to do minutes according to their age, 1 year = 1 minute. He would have forgotten what he is in time-out for after that. The 1,2,3 thing works on my kids. They know I mean business if I have to get to 3. But you also, after make sure your tone of voice means business too. If you sound, I don't know, whiny, he won't take you seriously. If have to be firm but gentle.

Good luck! I have 2 boys myself, 9 & 4.

Best regards,
L. R.

16 months- 2 is the hardest age for me with my kiddos. Their understanding is so great but verbally they are still working on things.
First let me say that th "1-2-3" thing is a NO_NO. If they can listen on three then they can listen on one! Please do not set the stage for your child to not listen to you immediately. Using the 1-2-3 thing only teaches them that they have several extra moments inwhich not to obey and that they do not have to obey until "you are really serious".
Be serious on one =-)
I have cut and pasted something I posted on-line a while back on a forum. I hope this helps!

UNDER 2 Discipline

At this age I have either a designated spot on the floor, a carpet square or sometimes a recieving blanket (we had one child that was a bit more... well she has red hair and the temper to go with it-lol- anyway her spot needed to travel so a little blankey worked good) that we put in a spot somewhere kinda out of the way. I could careless if they throw tantrums but it is not acceptable- if they are going to do it they will not be doing so at my feet. So... even now with our 18 month old- if he gets "itchy" then to the spot he goes with a verbal " I realize thatyou are upset but throwing tantrums is not acceptable- you may not yell at mommy" or whatever the offense maybe- you may not cream in my kitchen etc- then to the spot they go.. "you may get up when you are all done" if they get up and are done fussing they get hugs and kisses a high five- etc if they are still bent out of shape we bring them back.
Always using a calm and loving voice- They may not hit or kick walls but the floor is fine- I completely ignore them in their spot unless they are being destructive to my home- if they get up I automatically asuume they are done and give them the benefit of the doubt but if they come at me whinning then we go back.
Being actually removed from my current area is a huge thing vs throwing a tantrum at my feet. Anyway-
I do not "make them stay" in their timeout spot- they go to the spot and get up when they are done. If they continue to do whatever it is that they went there for and keep getting up and comming to you you keep bringing them back saying the same thing- such as "you may not whine at me like that... you may get up from your spot when you are finished with your icky sounds" or whatever the issue is.
This is a hard age because their communication level is not up verbally to where their mental level is- however teaching proper communication skills is still a must. (by the way we do sign language to give them an added avenue of communication)
when they get up and come to me we then give loves and then I redirect them.
Here is another example (I actually just did this with Adam lol) Adam is shutting himself in a room and then crying, we, meaning one of the kids or I keep opening the door- he immediately shuts it again. I thus grab a towel and throw it over the door- he then started crying because he wants to shut the door- to the time out spot he goes. "I am sorry you are mad but you were being foolish- you may come find me when you are done" I then walked away he whinned for about 13 seconds and came to give me a high 5 and a kiss- I then offered him loves back and engaged him in playing with his tractor.
Sometimes he will go for big fits like that- sometimes it is for wretched sounds he is making because he is mad that he is not getting what he wants.

You have to have grace and mercy and understanding with this age but you also need to be ontop of things and be constantly strearing them in the right direction.

for many of our timeout moments it is a combination of behaviour combined with attituted... vs behaviour combined with circumstance. If he is crying in the kitchen because I have dinner 30 minutes late- I can't blame him for not understanding why I have not fed him and thus I bend- to the table he goes to start on whatever is ready! thus grace-
If he however is in my kitchen mad because the girls shut the bedroom door in order to put their clothes away and he is not accepting my redirection then he will go to time out.

I hope all that makes sence- we don't do the 1-2-3- stuff if they can listen on 3 then they can listen on 1. I do give healthy reminders at this age and have a lot of understanding.

However I do not want a yelling, attitude prone toddler on my hands and thus the behavior that is unexceptable is delt with- always within reason to the attitude/circumstance at hand.

Kids know what you expect from them and they are constantly pushing the boundaries- so set the boundaries and they will gladly live within them!

...M.

Hey, I think a good book to read is To Train Up a Child by Michael and Debi Pearl. We used it for both our girls and it helped us tremedously. Our seventeen month old child already knows right from wrong, of course we don't treat her like an adult, but she knows age appropiate behavior. Hope this helps. Message me if you need anthing else. Good Luck.