Discipline - Cincinnati,OH

Welcome to age 4. She is doing exactly what most 4 year olds do. Keep doing what you are doing. Don't give in. Give her lots of praise when she does something good and keep correcting her when she doesn't behave properly. It will pass, I promise:-)

Just keep doin' what your doin' Mom, this ugly phase will pass, and there will be others! Give her lots of praise when she gets it right, and don't back down when she doesn't, same as you always have, One thing, does she have little chores yet? Small easy age appropriate 'jobs' will make her feel like a valued member of the family, she's clearly struggling with wanting to be 'older' now.

She's 4, and this is what happens.

MOSTLY a child needs to learn how to express themselves, good or bad, in a palatable way... so they don't feel censored and can tell you how they feel.
teach her the names of feelings etc.

Validate a feeling/mood... then give her ideas about "problem-solving" that... with your help. A child this age is not equipped to emotionally manage their emotions much less understand them.
So teach her. I tell my kids, its okay to feel frustrated/grumpy... but we are a "team" and I will help them address it and to "try their best" to tell me what is up etc.

Also, the book "have a new kid by Friday" by Leman is great. Amazon h as it as well as E-bay. It is not punitive and very understanding.

The thing is, you want a child to be "emotionally" aware... otherwise they grow up being an older child or adult that cannot express themselves, nor know how to cope, nor know how to manage their feelings good or bad.

So it is a process of teaching them that and helping them. Not just scolding for any little thing. Like a rock collecting moss... they will over time become articulate about their emotions and know themselves.
My son, is only 3.5 years old.. and he will on his own tell me "I'm grumpy... I want to be alone... I'm going over there, please be quiet." etc. And I am proud of him. He tells us what he needs/what he feels/and manages to "know" that he wants to be left alone. Then he feels better and will come for a hug. That is him. Versus if my daughter is "grumpy" or frustrated, she needs a hug from me and wants me right there with her.
So know your child... and their cues as well.
Sometimes too, explaining and lecturing them in the midst of an upset does not help... they just want to be validated... then after they calm down, talk about it... age appropriately.

Also just talk with her and see what it bothering her. But don't judge her. My daughter needs that and then she feels better.
I don't try and in-validate her... but to see how she is feeling.

Imagine yourself: what if you were stressed/frustrated/grumpy... and you 'vented' to your Husband and all he did was send you to a corner and told you be quiet or that your feelings are not acceptable????? Would that make you feel better or worse???? Probably worse. So, same for a mere child, who does not even know how to manage their feelings automatically. As you see, not even adults know how to do that nor how to comfort the other when they are feeling icky.

A child, has to be able to vent and be themselves at home. Otherwise, they will have no where to vent or have feelings. My Dad ALWAYS said: he'd rather have his kids be able to be themselves at home, warts and all... than have them try and get fulfilled elsewhere outside the home.
If a child is hammered down, like a nail anytime they feel bad or unable to cope... then what? HOW will they learn that they have a safe place to fall...

The Book "Your 4 Year Old" from Amazon is also very good. An easy read about each age juncture in a child.

My kids are 7 & 3.5... they know that we cannot buy everything, due to budget. We taught them that. They understand. We explain it to them in age appropriate ways... about money, about spending, about needs versus wants etc.

Girls can be emotional.

Talk with her....

Kids, do NOT have to 'share' everything. What if your Husband said you had to share everything with your SIL or him? Would you want to? Is that fair? I let my kids... not have to 'share' everything. And especially if something is special to them. Or, you give them time with an object... then transition them and say "in 15 minutes.... its her turn...." If she can't do that, then stop the activity.

Also make sure she naps. Tired kids spin out of control.
Teach her 'coping-skills.'

all the best, just some ideas,
Susan

Try reading the book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It's mostly about validating your childrens' feelings so they don't get the emotional buildup that causes meltdowns.

I know a lot of moms have found it helpful. I hear that a lot also find the 1-2-3 Magic book/method helpful.

Best of luck!

Partly it is the age, my daughter is also pushing the boundaries again, turning 4 years very soon, like she did when is just turned 3 years old. Keep doing what you are do with discipline.

Maybe this is something you are already doing (mentioned it about being pushed at playground) I have also found that validating their feelings during any situation, good or bad, goes a long way, does not always stop the tantrum or outburst but lets the child know you are listening to their concerns.

Outburst at Home: We say 'Hun we understand that you are upset and unhappy about something but go to room because we do not listen to crabbies. When you are ready to talk with out the crabbies feel free to come back out and tell mommy or daddy what the issue is.' After doing this for a week she at least the outburst are shorter (less then a min) and she can verbalize what her issue is and we tell her why or why not she can do/have something. If she gets all crabby about it again back to room. Now she would rather spend time with us then in the her room crabby so she has started to do it less.

At store: If you just started shopping get the MUST have now things (like milk & butter to make supper tonight) and get out OR you can stop what you are doing and both sit in the car till she is calm and try again. If in line paying for things I try to get my daughter involved, put the items we have up to be paid for or hold a light bag and sometimes I even let her give the cash to the cashier. That way she feels like she is valued member of the family team. It also helps distract (I do this before the tantrum to keep her busy). If the tantrum starts in line or as leaving it is what it is, have a talk with her while keeping the line moving and talk with her again in the car. Tell her to be able to come along with mommy on these errands you can not get crabby. If you go this route be ready the next time say well guess mommy has to do this next time without your help, and follow through by doing the next shopping trip or errands without her while she stays with daddy (this means waiting till daddy is home but it is what it is). My daughter likes to be the big girl helper so the more I get her involved the less she goes I want I want (which I never give into).

Something might have triggered this new behavior, other then age, so ask her why she is doing this. Kids are smart and she might be able to tell you why she feels the need to do this. If she is going to school/daycare ask the teachers if there is anything different about the routine or new child/staff which means that the environment changed and maybe your daughter feels "threatened" by the change. Not that she is in an physical harm just that she realizes she might not be getting the same amount of attention or maybe she is seeing another child throw a tantrum and get attention and she is trying it out. Same goes if anything at home has changed or even in your family life.

My daughter did the same thing. one day she was all sweet and listened to everything we said and the next day it was like this little DIVA moved in and my sweet little girl moved out! i didn't know what to do at first either.
First i will say when kids start going to school they can pick up a lot of BAD habits that we as parents swhelter them from when they are at home or even just to little to understand. My daughter is friends with a little girl at school, kindergarten, that has taught her so many horrible things I can't even begin to tell you. It has taken some time to correct these things and to explain to her why they are not ok for her to do. Anyways that could be one. Also little girls are emotional which being a women I am sure you already know.
What really worked for us was a star chart. We too don't have a lot of money to give the extras like toys all the time plus I don't want my kids to be spoiled so this worked out great for us. When she does something good she gets a star. Like sharing, helping around the house, just doing something that makes you proud of her behavior. When she reaches ten stars she gets a happy face that stays on the board. The happy face means she get to do something like go to the park or to the slide things at like McDonalds. it doesnt cost anything and she loves it. Once she reaches 10 happy faces which is 100 stars totally we do something bigger. its up to you on the reward, ask her what she likes and if its doable it gives her something to really work hard and look forward to. One the flip side of that when she doesnt behave she losses stars. She hates to lose them! if she ever gets down to no stars left and then she does something wrong and we cant take a star away she gets a sad face which means the lose of a privallege. She then has to make good choices and earn the privillage back, then we take the sad face off. Then she can go back to earning stars. he likes the positive attetion a lot. So that works well for us.
She is very strong willed so we talk to her a lot about her choices and weither they are good or bad choices. It helps because then instead of fighting with her about something we tell her are you going to make a good choice and get a star or a bad choice and lose one? It really makes her stop and think about what she is doing.
Your doing nothing wrong! You need to know that. just stay consistant with her and maybe try a few new things to help her want to make better choices. Good luck and know this is just a phase and she will soon get through it with your help.

it sounds like something has happened...maybe ask teacher. Maybe new staff, or new students or something. Ya never know.

I think continue to be firm and disipline how you feel works best for her (time outs, swats, loosing toys, ect) but no matter what, just be consistent. In time, she will see you mean business and she will have to decide if she wants to continue to test the limits of mommy and daddy or if she prefers to have her toys and not be in time out.

Good luck and hang in there....

Don't worry - it sounds like you are doing all the right things as her parents, but your daughter is going through a normal phase of development. My son is the same way, and he is almost 4 as well... I think it comes from their latent feelings of independence, mixed with some fear at how capable they are now - they will test mom and dad to see how far they can go, and whether they will still be loved after a meltdown/showdown/shouting match.

When my son gets like this, I used to feel stressed and embarrassed (when he is crying and screaming at a restaurant like he is being hurt, when all he wants is some more water, I do feel self-conscious) but I learned that he just needs some validation of his feelings, like "I know you are mad/sad/want something..." and try to explain very carefully why I am setting certain boundaries for him. Sometimes he just needs to cry it out, and the tantrum leaves him free to be his usual, sweet self.

I don't think you can prevent all the tantrums and difficulties of a 4-year-old, but you can be as understanding as possible, and show them that you love them, no matter what. I've seen children at my school go from moody and wild 4s to calm and creative 5s... it's a stage that many children go through, so don't worry about it at this point. It's perfectly normal. Good luck!!

K.-
Thanks for posting this question. I too am having the same issues with my son who turned4 two months ago. In fact, a few nights ago I said to my husband "I thought 4's were supposed to be easier than 3's". This has not been the case in our house. I guess I just wanted to write to tell you that you're not the only one going through this. Thanks to the moms who responded with great advice!

It can happen at any time: communication breakdowns with our children. You may not think that at this age you "communicate" as you would with an adult, but mine have always responded well to it.

I have found that speaking to my children at that age, letting them know what I expect of them (i.e. "We are going to go in the store and I would like you to behave and not ask me for anything extra. When I can afford extra I will buy it for you" etc...).

Children also need to know where they stand with us. It's not too much to ask considering we like that same consideration.
Also, saying, "its okay" is one of the things that always set my kids off, until I learned not to say it.

Sometimes they know it is NOT okay. They feel something is wrong and we should never negate anyone's feelings, no matter how young.

Again, TALK to your children. It's not silly and it does pay off in the end.